When Natalie received the wristband from Laurie, she forged ahead, following the road and a cluster of walkers in front of her. She was tempted to stay behind them even if it meant going slower, but she soon realized they were walking at a snail’s pace compared to what she could do without even trying.
With her earlier heroics fresh in everyone’s mind, she knew her teammates were expecting much of the same, and she passed everyone in her path within the first mile. The van caught up with her about then. They were all cheering for her, calling her the Speed Queen, and she waved as if everything was fine.
Jen hopped out to jog some water back to her. She took several sips and thanked her. When they caught up with the van, Jen got back inside. Michael drove on ahead, around a bend and out of sight, and she found herself totally alone.
Without anyone in front of her to follow, she turned around, praying someone was trailing her closely, but only saw darkness. The quarter moon had disappeared behind the thick grove of trees. No vehicles were in sight. She heard something rustling in the nearby brush, and her heart almost thumped right out of her chest.
Natalie didn’t care that it was against the rules and started running up the hill until she could see a few lights flickering ahead once again. She slowed her pace to compensate for her illegal sprint, but when the lights disappeared again, she jogged around the next corner, relieved to see the van beside the road waiting for her.
She saw someone with a waist-light coming to meet her, realizing it was Allison when she got close enough. Allison handed her the water bottle, and Natalie slowed her pace, not wanting to reach the van only to be abandoned again.
“How are you doing?” Allison asked. “Michael said to make sure you got more water this time.”
Natalie didn’t reply and felt close to tears at the thought of Allison leaving her side and the van driving out of sight.
“Natalie? Are you all right?”
“No,” she whispered, unable to remain brave and strong. Her pride wasn’t worth this much fear. “I don’t like this, Allison. Walking in the dark, I mean.”
“Do you want someone to walk with you?”
Natalie didn’t want to ask that of anyone. They all had already walked and were bound to be exhausted, and Allison had to do her final leg following her. But she didn’t want to remain as she was either.
“Hang on,” Allison said and ran back to the van. She stood outside for a moment then disappeared inside. Natalie saw Corrinne climb out, but she ran around the front. Michael got out of the driver’s side, Corrinne took his place, and he began walking back toward her.
“Allison said you need some company,” he said and fell into step beside her.
“I’m sorry,” she said, feeling like a five-year-old. “I’ve never been crazy about the dark.”
“I don’t mind,” he said. “Don’t go slow on my account. I can always jog to catch up when I fall behind.”
“Actually I need to go slow to make up for the running I did back there,” she admitted, feeling somewhat foolish but also relieved she had someone by her side.
She saw the van pull away and disappear out of sight once again. “What about your knee?” she asked, suddenly remembering his injury from several months back. “Couldn’t you drive the van slowly beside me instead of having to be out here?”
“I would, but it’s against the rules--a safety violation. My knee is perfectly fine, been pain free for two months, and,” he said, leaning a bit closer and speaking softly into her ear, “I don’t mind being out here with you.”
Her heart began to pound for a reason other than physical exertion or fear. She increased her speed again and their conversation ceased.
Okay, Michael. What are you doing? We’ve been civil. We’ve been friendly all day, like two old friends, nothing more. If that was an attempt to change that, it worked.
Michael had brought a full water bottle with him and offered her a drink several times. It took them awhile to catch up to the van and when they did, Michael traded the half-empty bottle for a full one and told Corrinne to drive on ahead to the next exchange area.
Other than a few comments about the nippy air, the ever-turning and undulating roadway, and if she needed water or not, Michael remained silent for the last two miles. It was a comfortable silence, and if it hadn’t been for her legs feeling very heavy by the time they neared the exchange point, she would have been happy to keep walking with Michael at her side until the sun came up. She didn’t get dehydrated as she had that afternoon, and after passing the bracelet to Allison, Natalie went to use the bathroom. She’d had more water than necessary this time.
Going back to the van, she found everyone inside keeping warm, except Michael who was leaning against the back door. Michael had a Gatorade waiting for her and she thanked him. Setting it on the rear bumper after taking a drink, she stretched her arms and legs and reached over to touch her toes, feeling the small of her back and her hamstrings surge with the warm stretching sensation.
When she returned to a standing position and reached for her bottle again, she saw Michael turn away and head for the driver’s door. She reached out and grabbed his hand.
“Thanks for doing that, Michael,” she said. “I know you didn’t have to.”
He placed his free hand over her fingers. “Yes, I did.”
Once Allison finished and they were headed to the beach to get a few hours of sleep, Natalie remained awake while everyone else dozed, except Michael. Allison had told her to remain in the front seat rather than switching with her, and she hadn’t protested. They didn’t speak, but the connection they had made while walking together hadn’t gone away.
Only two phrases. He only spoke two times to me in that intimate tone, and I’m right back where I was four months ago--in love with him. Head over heels, marry him now, and have his children, in love with him.
Natalie did sleep when she flopped onto the firm mattress at the motel in Seaside. Sheer exhaustion wouldn’t allow her to do otherwise. Allison woke her at noon and said the last walker in the other van had just begun, giving them about an hour to get to the beach to meet the rest of their team and cross the finish line together.
She took a quick shower and dressed in her khaki shorts and Wildflower team shirt like everyone else. The six of them walked several blocks to the promenade overlooking the sand and then down to the flagged off area. Their teammates were there, and their final walker came into view five minutes later. Natalie hadn’t seen Michael and wondered if he was still sleeping.
After they all crossed the finish line as a team, had their photo taken, and were on their way to a local restaurant to have some lunch, he and Doug appeared. They all thanked them for driving and insisted on paying for their meals at the restaurant.
Natalie and some of the others went down to the beach afterwards, then went back to the motel to see who needed to get home and who wanted to hang around for the evening beach festivities. Michael needed to get back and several of them agreed to leave with him. The others would come with Doug later.
Natalie decided to go. As much as she felt that she needed to distance herself from Michael, she wasn’t ready to let him out of her sight. Something told her he hoped their good-bye could wait until later too.
She slept some on the way back to Portland. Allison, Jen, and Laurie had all decided to stay, and she didn’t know any of the other girls well. When they arrived back at the church, everyone unloaded the van and began leaving shortly after. They all seemed anxious to get home and get some more sleep.
Natalie dawdled, waiting until she, Michael, and Corrinne were the only ones left. She had already put her stuff into her car and came back to tell Michael good-bye, wondering when, if ever, she would see him again. Before she had a chance to say anything, he had other plans.
“Come to dinner with me,” he said.
“I thought you needed to get home,” she replied, knowing he had another two hours of driving ahead of him to get back to Eugene.<
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“I have to eat,” he said.
“Okay,” she replied. “Do you want to ride with me or go get your car first?”
“I’ll come with you and then you can take me to Ted and Corrinne’s later.”
They went for pizza at a small downtown place where she used to go with Brandon and Josie. She asked about his work at the church and how he liked living in Eugene. He was doing well on both counts. The church was good-sized, although not as large as Emmanuel--for which he was grateful. He had made some friends there. He was enjoying working with the junior-high and high school students, and she knew they probably loved him.
What am I doing? Why did I agree to have dinner with him? We can’t be together. I can’t be a part of his world. I’m only making this harder. I should have said good-bye to him in Seaside. I should have told him to get back in the van last night instead of letting him walk with me.
She drove him to Ted and Corrinne’s house in Sellwood when they finished. He had parked his car on the street, and she pulled up behind the blue Mustang. The “For Sale” sign was gone. Apparently he hadn’t been able to sell it or had changed his mind. She kept the engine running. Michael didn’t open the door as she expected.
“You got quiet on me,” he said.
She didn’t reply. If this had been Michael’s car they were sitting in she could have gotten out, said a quick good-bye, and never looked back. But he was going to have to be the one to leave. She had to wait through the agony.
“Look at me, Natalie.”
She didn’t want to. Please just go, her silent thoughts screamed. But it was obvious he wasn’t going anywhere. She wiped away a blasted tear on her cheek and turned to meet his gaze that was more serious than she expected. He seemed to be having an equally difficult time with this.
“Talk to me, Natalie,” he said. “Tell me what you’re thinking.” It wasn’t a demand or a plea, just an invitation, and she decided to be honest.
“I’m thinking how I don’t like the idea of possibly never seeing you again,” she admitted. Her voice changed to a whisper. “I miss you.”
Her attempt to hold in the tears didn’t work. Michael took her into his arms and held her, stroking her back with his fingertips and resting his cheek on the top of her head.
“I miss you too,” he said. “I miss you so much, it hurts.”
She felt like she could stay there in his arms forever, but she knew that wasn’t realistic. When she gently pushed herself away and saw his tender gaze, she thought he might kiss her, but he didn’t. Oh, how she wished he would. Would she ever be kissed by him again?
“You said earlier you might want to talk about God,” he said, moving back to his side of the car. He reached for her hand and held it gently. “So, let’s talk about it.”
She sighed. Did it always have to come back to this?
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Just share your questions and your doubts and your thoughts with me. I want to know. I’m not going to laugh, or judge, or any of the things you’re afraid of, Natalie.”
She wanted to open up and talk to him, but she felt the need to distance herself from him too. Sharing her innermost thoughts and feelings felt too risky in the confines of the car. She also feared Ted or Corrinne might spot them from the front window and interrupt their conversation.
“Can we go for a walk?” she asked. “A slow one this time?”
“Sure,” he agreed.
Once they were out in the warm evening breeze, walking side-by-side, Natalie was reminded of the walks they had taken together at the beach, and she felt more at ease and began to say what was on her mind.
“I do believe in God, Michael. I wasn’t sure for awhile, but it’s pretty hard for me to deny His existence when I see the beauty of the mountains, the valleys, the lakes and rivers, and the colorful display of wildflowers in a meadow. But I guess I have a difficult time believing that He cares about me or that I can talk to Him like you do.”
She paused and then shared her primary reason for feeling that way. “Where was He when my parents got a divorce? I asked Him to stop it,” she whispered. “Why didn’t He?”
Michael took her into his arms and held her close. She let the tears fall freely. The pain she had felt at the age of eleven was just as fresh now, only deeper because she knew the difficult times that had followed that horrible day. Her life had never been right after that, and she didn’t think it ever would be.
“I know He wanted to, Natalie, but He can’t force it, you know?”
Yes, she knew that. It wasn’t God’s fault. Her mom and dad had made the choices they’d made. She expected Michael to say she needed to let it go, and she knew she did, but he said something else.
“People let us down, Natalie, but God doesn’t. Not when we look to Him.”
She wanted to believe him, but she didn’t know where to start. She also wanted Michael in her life, but she knew that wasn’t possible right now. Stepping out of his arms, she thanked him for his words. They had touched something deep within her, but she wanted to keep it to herself for now. To let them rest there and see if they brought her as much peace in the coming days as they were right now.
Michael spoke again, along the same lines but more personally for himself. “During times of sorrow and despair, I just cling to Him, Natalie. In Him I have a hope that nothing can shatter and peace that no one can take away. I wish I could explain it more to you, but I can’t. It’s something that you have to experience for yourself.”
“Do you think He really knows each one of us, Michael? That He hears our prayers and cares about our petty concerns when there’s so much suffering in the world that is far beyond anything you and I have experienced?”
“I do.”
She didn’t respond.
“You know how you were afraid to walk in the dark last night?” Michael asked.
“Yes.”
“Walking in the dark is sort of like living without God. Jesus calls Himself the light of the world. Just like I came to walk with you, He wants to walk by your side, lighting your path through a messed-up, hopeless, and heartbreaking world. He wants to take away your fears and uncertainties. He doesn’t want you to be stumbling through the darkness. He wants to make your steps firm, give you peace, and guide you on the path He has for you.”
She remembered how comforting having Michael walk beside her had been. Just having him with her had taken away all of her fear. Could God really make that kind of difference in her life?
Michael reached for her hand. “Do you think it was a coincidence we saw each other this weekend?”
“You knew I was going to be here?”
“No, but I think Someone planned our meeting.”
“Who? Allison? She swore she had nothing--”
“Not Allison,” he laughed. “Although I certainly wouldn’t doubt she’s thought about pulling a stunt like that.”
“Then who?”
“Jesus.”
She mirrored his warm smile. “How do you figure that?”
“I tried to get you out of my head for weeks after you left, but I couldn’t. I wanted to call you several times, but I always felt that I should wait. I told God that I didn’t think I was ever going to get over you and asked Him to show me if we were meant to be together.
“After I called you on your birthday I decided I wasn’t going to try to contact you again. I knew that if it was meant to be, then Jesus would take care of things. I missed you terribly, but I had a peace in my heart that He was perfectly capable of bringing us back together when the time was right. And if that wasn’t in His plans, then He would help me to go on.
“So when I pulled into the parking lot yesterday and saw you standing there, I knew it had to be Him. Maybe you’re not ready yet, that’s fine. But don’t try to say that God isn’t concerned about you--or us. Seeing you again when I least expected it is enough evidence for me.”
She remembered the time last winter when she
had prayed for a job and had gotten one a few days later. She had always tried to chalk it up as coincidence. And she hadn’t remembered until now, but on the night she had talked with Daddy about if he believed in God, she had asked God to help her to find Him.
Was this a part of His answer, seeing Michael again and having the chance to get some of her questions answered? Maybe she had been underestimating God. Maybe He was listening after all.
They began walking back to the car, and she remained quiet. Michael had given her some things to think about, and she had the feeling she would be mulling this over in her mind during the coming days and weeks.
He gathered his things from the trunk of her car and transferred them to his.
“I see you decided not to sell her after all,” she said.
“Actually I did.”
“You did?”
He laughed. “I guess your sister didn’t tell you what that crazy cousin of mine did.”
“No. What?”
“Brandon found out I was selling because I needed the money, and he said he wanted to buy her. He gave me what I was asking, and then the day after he came to pick it up, I came home to see it sitting in my driveway again.”
“He changed his mind?”
“No. He had it planned all along.”
“What?”
“He bought the car, paid me in full, and then donated it back to me. I tried to turn him down, but he said that’s what God told him to do. He said I shouldn’t argue with God. Is that insane or what?”
She had to admit that was pretty outlandish, even for Brandon. But she had certainly seen his outpouring of generosity before. She’d heard him say more than once that God had blessed him beyond his wildest dreams, and he only felt at peace when he gave back in return.
Michael came back to where she was standing by her car to say good-bye. “That’s the way God works, Natalie. When we give up everything to Him, He promises to take care of us. And He does. Sometimes in amazing and unbelievable ways.”
She didn’t want him to go, but she knew there was only one thing she could say to make him stay, and she didn’t know if she was ready yet--or if she ever would be.
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