“Not going to happen,” she said in a challenging tone. “I'm not leaving, Gavin. Get back in bed.”
“I can't,” he said.
“You can,” she said.
“Why can't you just do what I say?” he asked, as he clenched his fists at his sides.
“Did you leave when I asked you to?” she asked. “No, you did not. You've been chasing me around to make sure that I'm okay. Who's been checking on you?”
“I don't need anyone checking on me,” he said. “I'm fine.”
“You don't seem any more fine than I do,” she said. “I think it's time you take a little of your own medicine. Get that fine ass back in this bed right now.”
Gavin shook his head and closed his eyes. He walked over and sat down on the edge of the bed. Then he put his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. Gracie slowly crawled over and wrapped her arms around his neck from behind him.
“What do you usually do when that happens?” she asked. “I'm guessing it's not the first time.”
“I get up and go to the gym,” he said through his hands.
“How often?” she asked, as she leaned back and began massaging his shoulders.
He didn't answer. He just felt. He felt every touch of her fingers and movement of her hands. Gavin couldn't believe she was still there. He'd expected her to tell him he deserved it. He thought for sure she'd go running, but she didn't.
“Gavin,” she whispered. “How often?”
He couldn't do it anymore. Everyone else thought he was fine. He'd done a great job pretending in front of all of them. Gracie wouldn't give up until he answered, and he honestly wanted someone to know that he wasn't okay. Everything wasn't fine.
“Every night,” he said, as he dropped his hands from his face. “Every single night.”
“Shit!” she whispered. “When did they start?”
“In the hospital,” he said, as he felt his shoulders relax. Then her fingers began moving up and down his arms. “They've gotten worse since I've been home though. It's always the same dream.”
She moved up the bed away from him, and he instantly missed her touch.
“Come here,” she said.
He didn't want her seeing him like that. It was his job to take care of her.
“Please,” she pleaded.
Gavin scooted back on the bed. She was sitting with her back against the headboard. Gracie pulled his back against her chest and wrapped her arms around his neck. His head fell back onto her shoulder, and he looked up at her.
“He's there in your dream?” she asked.
“Yes,” he answered. “I see the accident every single night. I should have been the one driving. It was my fault. It should have been me.”
“It wasn't your fault, Gavin,” she whispered with her face next to his.
“You blame me,” he said.
“I don't,” she said. “I didn't want him to go, but he did it on his own. Nothing stopped Jack. If he wanted to go bad enough, he would have without you. I was so worried about you, Gavin. When you were gone, I had this crazy thought that you'd come home and we'd be together.”
“But,” he began.
“Let me finish,” she said, as her fingers lazily rubbed his chest. “I looked forward to your letters and emails. I couldn't wait to get home and see if something had come from you. The more we wrote, the more I felt for you. I honestly thought you felt something for me.”
“Gracie,” he said.
“I'm not done,” she said. “Then they showed up at the door, and it was you I thought about. When I found out you were alive, I was freaking out inside. I wanted to go to you. I wanted to be there to help you, but you ignored me. You had nothing to do with me. It hurt so bad. I needed you. My brother was gone, and I wanted to be there with you. You didn't need me back though. You didn't want me to be there. I was hurt and upset. I don't blame you. You can't blame yourself either. He wouldn't want you to sit here feeling sorry for yourself or for him. He'd want you to live your life. He wouldn't want you to do what he would have done either. You need to do what you want, Gavin.”
“About us,” he began, but she cut him off again.
“Stop,” she said. “You didn't give up on me in the bar, and I'm not giving up on you. I will be right here. If you dream, I will wake you up. I'm not going anywhere. You don't have to say anything about us. I know you were drunk tonight. I'm not dumb enough to think it was anything but that.”
“I wasn't drunk,” he said. “I knew what I was doing.”
They sat silent for a few minutes. Gavin felt his body relax more and more.
“Will you take me for a ride tomorrow?” she asked, and he nodded against her shoulder.
Just as Gavin's eyes were pulling closed, he heard himself whisper.
“You're his sister.”
Chapter 37
Gracie
Gracie had gone home to change and get ready for their ride. She'd only been on the back of his bike long enough to get home before. That was less than a mile. She couldn't wait to find out what it was like. Gavin had told her that her brother liked riding as well, and that was enough for her. There had to be something to it, she thought.
She heard the knock at her door and instantly felt nervous. It didn't make sense. They'd been tangled in each other's arms just hours before. When she opened the door to see him standing in a pair of tight jeans, t-shirt, and leather jacket, she couldn't stop her eyes from moving over his entire body. She knew exactly what was beneath those clothes. That changed everything.
Without a word, he walked right by her and into her apartment. She closed the door and turned to look at him.
“You okay?” she asked.
“Yep,” he answered. “You ready?”
She moved around her place quickly, as she stuck her phone in her back pocket and her keys in her front. Then she slipped on some shoes. He'd barely looked at her the whole time. What the heck, she thought. He'd said things to her and done things she knew she wanted again. There he was, standing in her living room, acting as if they hadn't been with each other the night before.
“I'm ready,” she said sadly, as she yanked open her front door. “Come on.”
“Gracie,” Gavin said, as he shut her door.
She stopped walking and turned back to him.
“Don't bother,” she said. “I'm good.”
She walked ahead of him quickly and stopped when she reached his bike. He grabbed a helmet and handed it to her. Then he shoved his own over his head.
“Where did you get this?” she asked.
“I bought it,” he said. “I figured if I have to pick you up every night, you might as well have your own.”
“You don't have to pick me up,” she snapped.
“Do you want a ride?” he asked in a rough tone that stopped her.
“Yes,” she answered.
“Put the damn thing on,” he said, as he started the bike.
Gracie rolled her eyes, put the helmet on, and climbed on behind him. When he took off, she hadn't expected it. Her arms wrapped tightly around him and she put her head down against his back. When he took her home from the bar, he'd gone slow. Going fast was going to take a bit of getting used to.
After a few minutes, Gracie felt herself begin to relax. She slowly lifted her head to look around. The wind blew through her hair hanging from beneath her helmet and her grip on Gavin loosened a bit. Gracie took in the scenery around them. She held her hands together against his stomach, and all she could think about was how muscular he felt. Gavin was by far the sexiest man she'd ever laid eyes on. He definitely knew what he was doing when it came to pleasing a woman. Jealousy moved through her, and she laughed.
“What's so funny?” he asked from over his shoulder.
“Nothing,” she answered, trying to think of something to say other than what she was really thinking. He'd acted strange when he'd shown up, and she didn't want him to think he affected her in any way. “I was just thinking about the size of, never min
d.”
“The size of what?” he asked.
“I said never mind,” she said.
“Why did I agree to bring you with me?” he asked.
“Because I'm awesome,” she said.
He rode into a country looking area and down a long dirt road that was surrounded by trees. When he pulled off the road and onto a trail, she held on a bit tighter and felt her body bouncing against his. He stopped the bike and got off. Then he walked ahead of her through a few trees without even looking back to check on her.
“Wait up,” she yelled out.
“Get your ass moving,” he yelled back.
“Ugh,” she grunted, as she hurried to catch up with him.
When she moved through the trees and looked out at the water, her breath caught in her throat. He sat down in the grass. She walked over and sat down next to him.
“This is beautiful,” she said. “I've never been out here before. How did you find it?”
“I've been out riding for hours almost every day,” he said. “I've seen places I never even knew existed.”
“Don't you worry about getting lost?” she asked.
“A long time ago I would have,” he said. “I don't now. I'll get back home eventually. There's nothing out there that's going to hurt me.”
“Gavin,” she said.
He picked a rock up from the ground next to him and threw it with a plop into the water.
“You said you see the accident,” she said.
“Gracie,” he said roughly.
“What do you see?” she asked.
“I don't want to talk about it,” he said.
“When it happened, did you see him? Was he already gone?” she asked.
“I saw him,” he said. “I'm not talking about it.”
“Gavin,” she said sternly.
“No,” he snapped. “I should have been driving. I don't want to talk about it.”
“Please talk to me,” she pleaded, as she turned toward him.
“Not about the dream,” he said. “I can't.”
“Did you see people die while you were gone?” she asked.
Gavin kept his eyes on the water ahead of him.
“I did,” he said. “It was horrible. Some days were really bad. There were kids.”
Gracie didn't want to push him. She could see his emotions fighting not to break free. He was opening up a little, and that was good enough for her.
“Do they hurt?” she asked.
“What?”
“The scars,” she said. “Do they hurt?”
Gavin shrugged.
“Not as much as they did,” he answered. “Some of them are sensitive. It's hard to explain.”
Gracie thought about running her fingers over each scar.
“Each one of them is a reminder,” he said, pulling her back from her thought. “They've changed me.”
“They haven't changed you that much. You look damn good,” she began, but he cut her off.
“That's not what I meant,” he said.
“Oh,” she said. “Sorry.”
“It's nice to know you think I look good though,” he said. “Maybe one day I'll be as cute as Ethan.”
“Seriously,” she said, as she grabbed his face and pulled his eyes from the water to her.
“What?” he asked.
“Why do you live so close to me?” she asked.
“I got a good deal,” he answered.
“It has nothing to do with me?”
He jerked his face from her hand and looked back out at the water.
“Gavin,” she snapped.
“It doesn't matter,” he said.
“Enough,” she said roughly, as she got on her knees and scooted in front of him so he had no other choice but to look at her. “Cut the shit. Do you feel anything toward me?”
“I can't,” he said.
“Do you?” she yelled, and he nodded. “For how long?”
“Since I got my own box,” he said.
Gracie burst into laughter, and Gavin smiled.
“You asked,” he said with a shrug. “That was when it happened. You'd made me share with him. When I got my own box, even though it was filled with some crazy stuff, I knew I liked you. You kept me going when I was gone. When I was deployed, you were all I thought about. I hoped that I'd come home and you wouldn't be with Ethan.”
“I stopped talking to Ethan after a bit. I couldn't wait to come home and see if you'd sent me a letter or message.”
“That was before things changed,” he said.
“What changed?” she asked.
“Everything,” was all he said.
They sat silent. Gracie wasn't in any hurry to leave. She leaned back on the grass and looked up at the clouds in the sky. There was no way she wanted Gavin to get upset. She wanted to spend as much time as she could there next to him. When she couldn't take the silence any longer, she finally spoke.
“The tattoos,” she said.
“What about them?” he asked.
“You're covering your scars,” she said, and he nodded. “They're reminders of Jack.”
“That and the time I was gone,” he said.
“Are you going to cover them all?” she asked. “You can't make what happened go away.”
“I know that,” he said. “When I see the scars, I think about the horrible things I saw while I was there. You don't approve of the tattoos?”
“I didn't say that,” she said, making sure to look away from him. “They definitely enhance your, I don't know. I love them actually. I just worry about you.”
“Don't bother,” he said. “You've got enough of your own shit going on in that head of yours.”
“I do not,” she snapped.
“Whatever,” he said. “You aren't working every waking moment just to grow the business, Gracie. You don't sit in the bar at night because you like being there. I'm not an idiot. You can save that crap for someone else. I just don't get how I'm the only one that knows.”
“Really?” she asked with so much sarcasm in her tone. “You bought a bike, go to the gym for hours each day, get tattoos, and hang at the station. How has your family not figured that shit out yet? You've got more going on than I do, Gavin. Don't act like I'm the only one that's fucked up.”
Gracie pushed herself up and onto her feet. Gavin was right behind her.
“That's not what I meant,” he said, as he grabbed her arm.
Gracie felt a warm feeling spread through her from where his fingers touched and quickly pulled away.
“I don't need my family worrying about me,” she said. “My parents lost a child. They have enough to get through. I don't need them freaking out and watching me every second. I'll be fine.”
“Sitting in a bar, drinking so you can numb yourself, is not going to make you better,” he said. “How about Ethan? How does he not see that you're hurting?”
“It's not his damn job,” she yelled before lowering her voice. “I don't even answer his emails half the time. When are you going to get through your head that I don't like him. He's not the one I care about. Don't tell me what's going to make me better and what's not. Getting tattoos to cover every reminder of what you've been through, is that going to make you better?”
“Maybe not, but it sure helps,” he said.
“Why did you move out of your parents' house?” she asked. “Don't give me any crap about being on your own either. You know damn well it's so they don't see through that smile you paste on for them.”
Gavin narrowed his eyes at Gracie, and she instantly regretted her words. He was her only way home, and she wasn't exactly sure where they were.
“No,” he said. “I live on my own so that when I wake up yelling out in the middle of the night, they don't hear me. That is why I live alone, and I plan to do just that for the rest of my life. Are you happy? I'm not perfect. I have shit to deal with. Is that what you wanted to hear?”
“Yes,” she said, as she got up on her toes, took hi
s face in her hands, and covered his mouth with hers. Then she pulled away. “I want to see the real you, not the you that everyone else sees. Will you take me to the station with you?”
“You want to go?” he asked. “Are you sure about that?”
“I am,” she said. “I haven't been there in years. I want to hear what they have to say. I want to see what it is that makes you like being there so much. I can tell it helps you. Can we go there now?”
“Sure,” he said. “I'm not sure about this. You're invading my life.”
Gavin got on his bike and handed her the helmet he'd gotten her.
“I'm not going to the bar anymore,” she said, as she pulled it down over head. “You don't have to drive by. I know he wouldn't want me there. I guess it's time to face things instead of covering them up.”
“I'm still going by to see it your car is there,” he said, as he pulled his own helmet over his head. “I'm not sure I believe you.”
Gracie laughed, and he turned his head to look back at her.
“I could always walk there you know,” she said. “I'm not going to, I was just saying.”
“Great,” he said. “Thanks a lot. Now I have to stop and actually walk in.”
Gavin turned his head back to the road ahead and started the bike.
“I said I'm not going,” she yelled so he would hear her.
“And I said I don't believe you,” he yelled back.
Gavin took off forcing her to wrap her arms tightly around him. What a pain in the ass, she thought. Her fingers moved against the muscles in his stomach, and she felt him tense. She scooted in closer so her front was against him. Then she put her head against his back and planned to soak up every second she could. There was just something about touching him. He felt amazing, but that wasn't it. She felt safe, like nothing bad could happen with him there.
Gracie wasn't the only one that was having a hard time with losing Jack. It felt good knowing that someone saw right through her, even if it was someone that was just as messed up as her and also the same someone she wanted to blame every time she thought about her brother being gone. No matter how hard she tried to hate Gavin, she couldn't. It was the opposite really. She wanted to help him. He had no idea how much he was helping her. The more she walked into that bar to numb her feelings, the harder the days became, but that was all changing, and it was because of him. He'd cared enough to come after her every single day. It might have only been for her brother, but he was doing it, and that was what mattered. She wanted to be there for him as well. Seeing him in pain was hurting her too. She didn't want that for him. He'd been through so much already. Gracie didn't want him hurting anymore than he had to.
Saved by Love (Bachelor Billionaire Kids #1) Page 16