by Brandon Witt
I AWOKE, the darkness outside the curtains confirming it was still the middle of the night. Finn’s deep breathing tickled against my hair as he slept on my chest. Gently, as not to wake him, I ran my fingers through his dark hair, enjoying the moment to watch him without being observed. He truly was beautiful, and even in his sleep he radiated a serene kindness. I felt at home with him nestled against me. As much as I had felt at home with Sonia, more. Safe, even.
Chapter 30
FINN DE MORISCO
MY SKIN boiled and blistered. The steam was like knives cutting into my skin, seeping through my pores, infecting my body. Try as I might, it was impossible to drag in a speck of oxygen. It was as if my chest had been filled with gravel, collapsing my lungs. Claws raked at my brain, on the inside of my skull.
I tried to scream. Tried to rage at what held me in its grasp. To curse it to Hell.
Curse me to Hell? To Hell? Soft, sinister amusement cut through the torment of my mind. Surely you can do better, be more original…. Why not try Heaven? Curse me to Heaven.
I flailed about, my body thrashing and twisting, unable to have any effect on the invisible restraints.
You are a lion who believes himself a newly weaned cub. I could almost hear the curve of smile in the tone. You are mine. You paint this picture in your head of who you are, but you know better. You know who you are. You know you are mine.
This time, a strangled protest escaped my cracked lips.
That’s it. Get angry. Break your bonds. It should be so simple for you. Like straw. Be the man you are meant to be. Be the warlock you are. Be mine, as you know you should be.
My stomach dropped as I hit the bed. Lying still, I made sure I was alive. It felt like I had free-fallen a thousand feet. Commanding my pounding heart to calm, I opened my eyes.
My bedroom. My bed. Just another dream. With each one, the voice got clearer. The heat hotter. The fear more consuming.
I’d never had nightmares before. Never. Not even as a little kid. Now, I was beginning to dread going to sleep, waking up covered in sweat, twisted in sheets. Why did this have to start right when I was able to sleep with someone? Brett! He was going to leave me just for continuing to kick him in his sleep every night.
Turning to apologize, again, for waking him, I reached over to lay my hand on his chest—my mind already transitioning from my grief to sex.
Only the divot on his pillow met my advances. I glanced over, saw the glow from under the bathroom door, and sank back into the bed with a sigh.
Every night, the same thing. Well, nearly the same. Each night seemed to get more intense. More real. Every night since The Square.
I knew who it was, what it was. Not specifically, I guess. I didn’t know its face, its form, but I knew. The presence. Whatever had held me in its clutches that day, breaking my ribs, leading me to The Square. Each night, it seemed closer. Clearer.
Why it wanted me, I had no idea. I just knew it wanted me. I had a nagging feeling that it didn’t just want a snack, a new play toy. That would be bad enough. It didn’t want to consume me. It wanted me. Whatever it thought I was, it wanted me.
I’d almost told Cynthia several times, but I just couldn’t bring myself to worry her, and I knew she’d feel guilty for her part in enabling me to go. Brett had enough to deal with. Telling Mom and Dad wasn’t an option either. They didn’t need to know I’d gone to The Square—much less that I’d brought back a little traveling companion. Probably not so little.
Anger flashed through me. I hadn’t worried about it tonight. It was a violation that anything could invade this night.
Being with Brett was even better than I had imagined. Not just the sex. Not just the feel of him, our rhythms matching, his face as he came. I didn’t feel worthy of him, but I could see us together. See our lives as they wove into one. See us together for good. It wasn’t a crush or infatuation.
Sex I was familiar with. Even love. At least, I thought I was. The thing I thought was love seemed cheap and flimsy next to Brett.
I returned to the light under the bathroom door. I didn’t see a shadow moving about. Couldn’t hear the flow of water.
Maybe he’d passed out on the floor; maybe he’d hit his head on the tub as he fell. It had been stupid to initiate sex the same day he’d lost so much blood. Selfish.
After throwing back the covers, I slid out of bed and rushed to the bathroom. Anxiously, I gave the briefest of knocks, not waiting for an answer, already imploring the lock to allow entrance. There was no need. The door swung open easily.
Squinting against the abrupt brightness of the bathroom, I took a step toward the tub. There was no blood. No body. No accident. No Brett.
Stupidly, I looked around the tiny bathroom, as if expecting Brett’s huge form to be tucked away in a corner.
Confused, I stepped out of the bathroom, continuing in my attempt to find Brett hiding someplace.
A hole in my stomach opened, and I fell through. I knew what had happened. I knew I wouldn’t find him. Still, I looked.
Careful to move as quietly as possible, I left the bedroom. Not bothering to check the other bedrooms, I slipped downstairs. The living room and kitchen were dark. Flipping the switch, light flooded the room. No one. There wasn’t any indication that anyone had been here since we’d gone to bed.
I leaned against the table, staring blankly out the window, the glow of the streetlight soft through the sheer curtains. Even though I knew the truth, I argued against it. He wouldn’t leave. Not with a vampire attack only a few hours before. Not with all that had transpired. Not after being with me.
Being with me. The thought was a blow to my gut. He’d left because of me. Because of us. No matter what I’d felt, no matter what I thought he’d felt. I was the reason he was gone. It was me he didn’t want. I’d pushed too much. I hadn’t been good enough. We’d moved too fast.
Still, choosing to face a vampire over staying with me….
The clock shone red from the microwave in the kitchen. It was a little past three thirty in the morning. We hadn’t been asleep all that long.
I couldn’t let him be out in the night alone, or even in the daytime now, it seemed. I had to find him. Had to bring him back. Even if he didn’t want me, he had to be safe. I simultaneously chided myself, knowing that as much I wanted Brett to be fine, I was mostly motivated to disprove that I was the reason he’d left. The voice from my dreams taunted me. According to him, I wasn’t a good enough warlock, I was weak. Apparently the same was true for the man I was as well.
Hurriedly, I slipped into a pair of sweats and a tank, went back downstairs, and slid out the door. All the cars were still in the driveway. He hadn’t stolen one this time. He’d just gone for a walk. That’s all—a walk. I was turning into Caitlin. Overreacting. I might as well have thought of calling the Cathedral. He’d not given me any indication that something was wrong. I’d fallen asleep to him telling me how much he loved me, that he couldn’t believe how he felt about me. Still, to go on a walk at night when you’re vampire bait…. It didn’t add up.
Luckily, my truck was parked on the curb, so I didn’t have to deal with being blocked in the driveway by Ricky’s van. I slipped behind the wheel, but paused before I turned the ignition. I realized I’d been preparing to go to Sonia’s. He was walking. He couldn’t have gone that far. The thought threw me off. Then where?
Part of me felt guilty for what I was about to do. That I was invading his privacy, infringing on him in some way. I shoved it away. I’d worry about that when there wasn’t a vampire in the picture. For now, it was time to find him.
Closing my eyes, I focused on Brett, picturing him in vivid detail. Unlike the first time I’d tried to find him this way, his image came to me instantly. Not simply his form, but the man he was beneath his skin.
Unbidden, he took shape as he had in the forest. Naked, his body shimmering in the midst of the fire. The reflections of the flames glinting off the sweat as it poured off his rigid muscle. Short blond hai
r whipped about as if in a windstorm. Otherworldly blue eyes alight in fury.
Desire and hurt swept through me in equal measure. Let it be some other reason, some other desire than to simply be away from me.
You shame yourself. You hurt over something you want, something you want to choose you. Mocking, the sneer disrupted my concentration. All you need do is take. It is in your power. Will it. He will be yours.
My eyes flew open, and I whipped my head violently from side to side. This was the first time I’d heard his voice outside of my dreams. My dreams! That’s it. That’s all this was, just one more dream. I was asleep.
This is beneath you! I demand you stop! The voice filled the cab of the truck, its reverberations hurting my ears. Be the warlock you are, not a sniveling little coward hoping everything is just a bad dream!
“Shut up!” My fist slammed into the stereo, the faceplate cracking.
Ah, I thought I felt breath on my face at the exhale, that’s more like it. Rage is what you need to be yourself.
“Shut. Up.” I winced at the sound of my teeth gritting.
I closed my eyes once more. This time, I brought the night’s events to mind easily. Brett lay beside me in bed, his arm under my head as his open hand moved in lazy circles over my chest and stomach. Brett. The sound of his whisper as we lay after, our bodies slick with sweat. The smell of his breath as he drew closer to kiss me again. The feel of his desire for me pressing into my hip as he wanted me again.
And there he was. I could feel him. Feel him moving. Feel his angst, his confusion. He was farther away than made sense, but I didn’t question. I knew I’d found him. The engine whined and lurched forward as I used too much force on the starter and slammed the gas.
IT HAD been years since I’d been to La Jolla. Never really liked it. The only redeeming thing about the place was the cliffs and the cove of seals. The rest might as well have been an attempt to recreate an exclusive little Beverly Hills. I didn’t remember ever seeing the place at night before. Every house had spotlights illuminating the walls, transforming them into little Californian castles. Each one gaudier than the next. At least Sonia’s folks’ house had been vintage, not some modern attempt at grandeur.
Brett was near. Even if I’d been a warlock without much power, I wouldn’t have needed a very strong locator spell to find him with the torrent of emotions pouring from him.
I’d only been on Torrey Pines Drive for a few blocks when I knew where I’d find him. I let the invocation fall from my mind, Brett’s essence fleeting, leaving me empty. Pulling the truck halfway off the street, I shut it down and exited.
Typically, entering a graveyard, even in the middle of the night, wouldn’t faze me. However, knowing a vampire was potentially close by should have raised my heart rate more than it did.
Even without my power, it only took moments for me to find him.
The grave still looked fresh, the strips of sod over the mound not yet having time to blend with surrounding grass.
Brett sat in the middle of the new sod, less than a foot away from the headstone. His head lowered, his broad back slumped, causing him to resemble a fallen giant.
I almost put my hand on his shoulder, sinking down beside him. I stopped myself. Feeling like an intruder, I broke the silence. “Brett?”
He turned, his strained blue eyes slowly rising to mine. He looked neither surprised nor excited to see me. His deep voice was flat. “I’m sorry if I scared you.”
Scared me. Understate much? “How did you get here?”
“Hmm?”
“How did you get here?” Why was I asking? Like it mattered.
“Oh. Taxi.”
“Taxi? From the house?”
His slouching shoulders rose and fell in what was most likely meant to be a shrug. “Yeah. I walked till I got to the main road and found one.”
“And you came here. To the graveyard?” Obviously.
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
He didn’t look back at me, just continued to stare at the carved stone.
Marvin Alexander Wright
1934–
His death date had yet to be engraved.
Easing myself down, I sat perpendicular to him.
I waited for him to answer, to cry, to get angry, to say anything. He didn’t. He sat there, a strange mixture of apathy and seriousness on his face. After a few moments, I reached out and placed my hand on top of his thigh. He didn’t move away.
“Did you need to talk to your grandfather tonight?”
He looked at me out of the corner of his eye, and his lips twitched into a remembrance of a smile. “No. Even if I did, this would be the last thing he’d wanna talk about.”
“Probably not too big on vampires and demons, huh?”
Impossibly, he slumped even further. “No. Not about that.” He started to say something more, but then stopped, his dirty fingers raking through his hair. “I don’t know why I’m here.” He let out a long breath. “I mean, why here? Why would I need to see him? It’s not like I looked for his approval or guidance when he was alive. Why should I now? Why would it matter what he thinks?”
My chest tightened. “What do you need his guidance about?”
His blue eyes met mine briefly before darting away.
“Oh.” As I feared. The tightening gave way to wrenching. I removed my hand from his leg. He didn’t try to stop me.
He sat there, his gaze traveling back and forth between the headstone and the damp grave he was sitting on.
“Listen, Brett.” I hated the catch in my voice. “I’m sorry if I’m freaking you out, if I told you I love you too fast.” The sound of him telling me over and over how much he loved me just hours before echoed in my mind. “I wasn’t trying to—”
“No. No, don’t do that.” He swiveled his body around to face me, reaching his hand out to take mine. “This isn’t about anything you did wrong. Really.”
My eyes narrowed, trying to see deeper into his. He didn’t look away or try to hide. “Then what?”
“Finn, I don’t know.” His left hand dug through his hair again, this time leaving a trail of dirt on his forehead. “I’m all over the place. So content one minute, then scared shitless the next. It’s all of it. The demon shit. The vampire. What happened in the alley. Sonia.” He motioned to the gravestone. “Even this, so it seems.”
He paused, catching his breath. He looked so distraught. Broken. It was nearly impossible to comprehend the fact that he was a demon when all I could see was this broken, unearthly beautiful man.
His blue eyes found mine, and he held my gaze somewhat desperately. “It’s just that, I think you want me for forever. I look at your family, how perfect it is….”
“Are you kidding? Please don’t think like that. We are so far from—”
“I know. I don’t mean like that. I know you fight. I know you’ve all got your own issues.” He couldn’t suppress a grin. “I mean, look at Caitlin.”
“Well, see—”
“Still. Your family is… well, it’s just that. A family.” He leaned closer, as if asking me to understand. “I don’t think I have that in me. I’ve never really wanted that before. I don’t think I can be who you want me to be.”
“You haven’t liked being a part of my family the past several days?”
“Yeah, of course I have. It’s been amazing. Strange, but amazing.”
“Well, then, see, you do have it in you.”
He gave his head the smallest of shakes. “I’m afraid I don’t. I don’t want to cause you pain, babe. I don’t wanna be the reason your family faces vampires. I don’t wanna be the reason you all fight. I don’t wanna be the reason you’ll hurt later.”
As much as I tried, I couldn’t keep the desperation out of my voice. “But, you said you love me. More than anyone. More than you thought you could.”
“And I do.” He reached his other hand over my hand until both of his enclosed mine in their large, warm grasp. “I ne
ver thought I’d love anyone like I love you.”
“That’s how I feel about you.”
“I know.” He sounded as if the thought made him sad.
“Brett, what do you want to do? Do you want to end this already? Is that why you left?”
His eyes shot heavenward, and he let out a ragged sigh. “I don’t know, Finn. I don’t know how to do this. It’s too much. Everything is just too much. I do love you. So much. I think that’s part of the reason I’m freaking out right now. I have no idea what to do about that.”
I leaned forward, allowing him a fraction of a moment to pull away. I pressed my lips to his. When he didn’t try to pull free, my hand slid behind his head, drawing him closer.
The kiss was soft at first. No pressure. No more than my lips touching his. “Please, don’t throw us away. Not yet.” I hadn’t meant to say anything. Hadn’t meant to break the kiss.
He pushed in closer, the softness of his kiss giving way to need, to demand. His lips almost hurt as they crushed mine. An agonized groan escaped him as his tongue slid into my mouth, pushing deep, filling. His demand increased until his weight was on top of me, his hard body pushing me into the soft mound of dirt, reminding me we were on his grandfather’s grave. For less than a heartbeat, I considered suggesting we move away from the grave. I shoved the thought away. Who cared where we were?
Rising up, he looked around as if wondering how we’d gotten there. His eyes returned to mine, a confused, haunted sheen over them.
“Please, Brett.” I couldn’t help pleading again, even as I despised myself at the sound. He was too important. What I had with him was too important. “Don’t throw us away because you’re confused or scared. Please.”
Darting back and forth, his eyes continued to search mine. I didn’t know what they were looking for.
“Please, Brett.”
He hovered above me. Neither of us sure what he would choose. After a brief eternity, he nodded.
“Yes?”
He nodded again. “Yes.”