by Alan Spencer
BLOODY MASK
Alan Spencer
Excerpt of the Review for Bloody Mask. The Reaper Chronicle, April 1983.
Being a seasoned veteran of scare fare, I declare Bloody Mask to rank at the absolute bottom of the heap when it comes to cheap horror. These ketchup-throwing idiots can barely keep a camera in focus for eighty-four minutes. Even the credits are shaky.
Except of the Review for Bloody Mask. The Haunter, July 1983.
A bunch of wannabes from Missouri have shown the pitfalls of independent filmmaking in the waste of time called Bloody Mask. The reason this is a waste of time? The film goes in and out of focus for no reason. Excessive establishing shots and moments where characters just look at each other waiting for the director to say cut (which I could actually hear the word "cut" spoken by director Dan Daniels four times throughout the feature!) wear on the viewer's patience. Even stranger, this shot-on-video feature includes a bevy of product placement from the likes of "Tony's Pizza Zone," "Rad's Arcade," and best of all, every other person in the movie is wearing a netted baseball cap for "Jimmy's Bait Shop."
* * *
Excerpt of the Review for Bloody Mask. Splatterrama! June 1983.
Allegedly, Dan Daniels wanted to call his film NC-17, but unfortunately, Mr. Daniels couldn't muster up the goods to earn that rating. No wonder, considering the film barely has the production value of a homemade porno. Avoid at all costs. Slam dunk this in the trash. I recommend every mom and pop video store not to order it, or mark it down now and send it straight to your clearance bins.
Excerpt of the Review for Bloody Mask. Mad Medusa magazine, June 1983.
My experience with Bloody Mask was dreadful. It was so bad my girlfriend broke up with me after the end credits. I'm not lying. I'll make one conceit for this turd. The vacuum cleaner eyeball suction scene had me rolling in my seat. And the impalement scene, what a joke!
Excerpt of the Review for Bloody Mask. Cult Crushers, February 2014 (Advanced Blu-ray/DVD Combo Review).
Maligned upon its initial home video release, Bloody Mask has proven to stand the test of time. So bad it's good cinema is all the rage these days, and Blood Mask is another entry in this woe-begotten genre. Hilarious product placements, terrible dialogue, worse effects, and loads of unintentional humor, this newly restored, fully uncut, and packed with extra features version of Blood Mask is the definitive, must own release for the season. Horror lover's never had it so good. Thank God people like Cult Crushers are hard at working reviving old shot-on-video horror from the golden decade called the 1980's.
From The On-Camera Interview with Joey Martin, an actor in Bloody Mask.
"I didn't have any lines in the movie. I was just on-screen long enough to die. Brian, the producer, had me sit on a picnic bench at midnight in Oakmont Park. This joker has me stuff a nasty balloon full of chunky blood into my shorts. The chunks were wet dog food, if I remember correctly. And this balloon is bulging. I mean, near bursting. The killer was to hammer a real and very long nail into my shorts. When it was time to shoot the scene, Brian hammers a nail into my pants, and a giant spurt of blood shoots out the left side of my shorts. I thanked God Brian didn't nail me in the junk for real. Seriously. Then I wouldn't have kids to tell this story to."
Dan Daniels stretched the thick rubber band around his wrists and plucked it to play a few notes. Brian Loomis, Dan's ex-camera operator, boom man, special effects supervisor, investor, and high school best friend, gave him a sharp look. They were standing in front of the orange painted garage door at U-Rent Storage. It was hot enough, they were both already sweating just standing in place. It was nine in the morning, and the summer heat would only get worse throughout the day. Dan was picked up KCI airport only an hour and a half ago by Brian, and this was their first stop on the way to Brian's house.
"You still doing that shit with the rubber band?" Brian asked.
Dan stopped playing notes. "I could never play the guitar, so I play the rubber band."
"I always thought you were trying to quit smoking."
"People who are trying to quit smoking slap their wrists with it. They don't play music."
"Oh. I guess you're right."
Dan hadn't seen Brian ever since the wrap party for Bloody Mask back in 1983. That was closing in on twenty-six years. Dan's life had come undone in the months after the direct-to-video release and the single theatrical showing here in Dan's hometown, Prudence, Missouri.
The post-movie downfall started when Dan's girlfriend in the summer of 1983 faked her pregnancy to try and get Dan to marry her, and when they did marry, she divorced him two months later. Dan didn't realize how dumb Janey was, that hot blonde who couldn't get enough of Dan's jokes and cinematic aspirations. The problem, Janey thought he would get rich after making Bloody Mask. When Dan lost money on the affair, and a lot of money, she wanted to jump off the sinking ship, because the sharks were coming, and they were coming in fast. Dan heard she later married Tom Pendleton, an old high school classmate, who was currently a plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills. They were both happily married in collagen bliss, or so Dan had heard from various friends on Facebook.
Brian didn't fare much better, life post-Bloody Mask. Brian spent years trying to pitch screenplays and working as a production assistant in Los Angeles. Brian was making a tough living back then. Then he had to move back to Missouri when his cocaine habit got the best of him. The details of the story were sketchy and always changing, because Dan had heard several versions. Brian didn't like to talk about those days anymore, so the truth was all speculation. Brian was selling drugs, or he owed drug dealers money, and Brian ended up shot three times and almost dying. The end result was the same with Brian moving back to Missouri to recuperate. Brian currently lived with his mother and worked as an assistant manager at the local Kroger grocery store.
Dan knew they were both losers. Two adults who needed their parents to survive. And that's how Dan and Brian looked standing outside of the garage: two washed up, balding, overweight failed filmmakers who had given up their ambitions and settled for a steady paycheck. But today, and the next few days, life wouldn't be about failure, or how the film industry chewed them up and spit them out.
This week would be a celebration of Bloody Mask.
Dan had taken a week off from managing his father's construction business back in Virginia, and Brian used vacation time from the grocery store to dedicate this time to their cinematic lovechild.
This all started back when Dan received a call from Cult Crushers. The company was going to put up good cash for both director Dan Daniels and Brian Loomis to help participate and gather commentaries for the special Blu-ray/DVD combo release of the newly restored version of Bloody Mask. Considering most of the cast and crew still lived in Prudence, Missouri, this is where they needed to be. And today would be the first day of working with Cult Crushers on the very special release.
Brian unlocked the storage garage. What was inside would be a wild memory trip. They beheld the vehicle of their dreams. Together, the two friends worked off the tarp and displayed the black van now covered in rust and minus its original luster.
"Behold!" Dan announced. "The van!"
"It's exactly the way I remember it," Brian said, adjusting the driver's side mirror. "I've kept it tuned up over the years. I couldn't sell it or get rid of it. I'm too attached. I love driving this thing. I love the way people freak out when they see it."
Dan could see why. The van resembled the A-Team van, except on the side was a large decal of the hideous mask the killer wore in their movie. The mask was like a cheap Halloween mask that had been partially burned and covered in bleeding pustules and blood stains. The right eye was bulging out a strange purple-blue color.
Dan couldn't conta
in the joy of seeing the van. He playfully punched Brian's arm. "God, it's so good to see you, man. It's just like old times. I'm so happy this is working out. This is fucking awesome."
Dan's life flashed before his eyes in two seconds. His divorce with Janey Cummings. Then avoiding the friends Dan owed money to after wrapping up production. The bridges he burned to the point of having to run with his tail between his legs to his father's home in Virginia. How the years had been so hard on Dan, but now, he had this wonderful moment and everything up to now no longer mattered.
Bloody Mask mattered.
Dan laughed. "Thinking back to the good ol' days, I was young and so stupid. I made every mistake in the book. I'm not just talking about the movie, I'm talking about everything. Life, man. I'm a twice divorced guy who hates his job, and I'm fat."
"I think you feel the same way as everybody else does," Brian said. "But we made a movie. We fucking did it, Dan. We accomplished something. Sure, when our movie came out, nobody gave a shit, but it's found an audience now. Hell, we could take the little cash we got from this, shoot another movie in our spare time, and re-live the old days. How about it? No regrets. Friends for life, Dan. Come on. Are you in?"
Dan accepted Brian's handshake. "I'm fucking in. Now let's drive this beast and meet that guy from Cult Crushers."
"You mean for the business meeting?"
"Let's do lunch."
"Ciao, babe."
"Call my agent, or no, my agent will call yours."
Dan begged Brian to let him take the van for a spin, so Brian gave him the honors. They were headed to Debby's Bar and Bistro, what used to be Betty's Bar and Bistro, until Debby, Betty's sister, took over the business. Debby's was Prudence's local mainstay. The service was brisk, but the keg beer and bacon cheeseburgers were topnotch. It was now after eleven in the morning, right when Debby's was opening for business, this being a Monday. The guy from Cult Crushers would be there waiting to meet up.
Brian dug under the van's seat as Dan kept driving through the main stretch of town.
"What are you doing?"
"Found it. Don't look at me for a second."
"Sure."
Dan focused on the locals trying to go about their day when they stopped to gawk at their van. Jaws were dropping and people froze to behold Bloody Mask: The Van. Mr. Thompson, Dan's old biology teacher, who had sent Dan to the principal's office for drawing severed heads on his Trapper Keeper with a magic marker, had lost hold of the retractable leash in his hands. Mr. Thompson's Pekinese dog was running wild. The man was so focused on the big mask decal the man forgot about his dog.
Dan couldn't resist, especially when Brian put the cassette tape into the player and blasted some heavy metal.
"Hey, Mr. Thompson. SUCK MY DICK!!! WHOA-YEAAAAAAH!"
Dan peeled out right when the 80's metal song "Slit Your Throat" blared on the speaks. Mr. Thompson was too busy chasing his dog to respond to Dan's carrying on.
Brian held his arm out of the window and gave the teacher devil's horns. "Slit, slit, slit your throat! Yee-aaaah, baby, I just slit your throat. You bet I'll slit it again."
Dan barreled over laughing. "This is from our soundtrack. Gash Masters rules!"
Gash Masters was the local metal band who recorded three songs for their movie. Gash Masters never got signed. They sold recorded cassettes after their gigs. The sound quality was poor. Dan didn't care. The memory of it was so good. And the kicker, Gash Masters let them use their songs for free. And for a low budget production, Dan considered himself lucky to have any music at all.
Brian turned the volume down low enough so they could talk without yelling at each other. "I always thought Gash Masters sounded like a bad porno. And speaking of porno," Brian opened the glove compartment. A rolled up issue Penthouse appeared next to the owner's manual. "You remember how Robby thought they were called "wink" mags instead of "wank" mags?"
"Your litttle brother was pretty dumb."
"He teaches metaphysics at Long Ridge Community College."
"Oh."
"He still hits the bong like no other."
"Now that's more like it. And you did say community college."
Dan parked outside of Debby's. Dan sighed, trying to prepare himself to meet the guy from Cult Crushers. "I hope this guy isn't like a crazed fan."
"We've never had a crazed fan before. Or any fans."
Dan disagreed. "I get emails sometimes. I started an account and a Facebook page for the movie. It had about seventeen hits, but ever since Cult Crusher's been promoting the release, it's jumped to about fifteen thousand. It keeps climbing. It's humbling, man. I do get a few trolls who tell me all the gaffes in the movie. Like I don't already know."
"Like what do you expect, asshole?" Brian chimed in. "It was made for no money. No real actors were in the movie. We shot it in like two weeks. Fucking people. They think we're Hollywood."
"They have a name for filmmakers like us, Brian. Camcorder Coppolas."
"Seriously? That's hilarious. Who comes up with these terms?"
Dan thought about the guy they were meeting. His name was Andy Cummings. Dan didn't know what the guy would be like, all he knew was the check was signed by Andy Cummings himself. And a paycheck was a paycheck.
Fuck it, Dan thought. Let's do this.
Debby's had few customers at the moment. The lunch rush was in forty-five minutes, and then the place would be hopping with every local business worker in the area coming in for a bite to eat. The place used to be an Appleby's that went out of business, and Debby hadn't gone through the trouble of changing the decor, only adding a few random pictures of Johnny Cash, Credence Clearwater Revival, and Elvis throughout the dining area. The food was good enough, and this was nowhere, Missouri. Debby could do whatever the hell she wanted, Dan thought.
The hostess at the door Dan recognized. Becky Little had doubled her weight since the last time he'd seen her back in high school. She was one of Dan's first wife's best friends. Becky saw Dan and did a double take.
"Dan? Dan Daniels?"
Before Dan knew it, Becky was hugging him.
"Oh my God, where've you been? Hey, you ever make that second movie?"
"No, no I didn't."
Brian was trying not to laugh.
Becky kept beholding Dan. "Janey would love to hear from you. I'm going to call her and tell her Dan Daniels, the big movie director, is back in town."
Brian couldn't help himself. "You know Janey divorced Dan like a billion years ago, right? It's not like they're long lost friends."
"Oh, I know, but Janey still speaks so fondly of you."
"You talked to Janey?" Dan thought Janey had moved to Beverly Hills. "I thought she was in California."
"She was, but she moved back here. I guess that marriage didn't work out either."
Dan sighed. "Wow, I guess we're all a bunch of hopeless cases. Oh, do you know if an Andy Cummings is here waiting for us?"
Becky pointed at the only occupied table in the joint.
"Andy Cummings is in the corner under that picture of Ted Nugent."
Dan headed towards that table. "Great. Thanks, Becky. It was nice seeing you again."
"Oh, you'll be seeing me again. Janey too. She won't believe it. Dan Daniels is back in town. Wow."
Brian laughed, "Don't jizz all over the place. He's got to stay clean for this business meeting."
Becky scowled. "Shut up, Brian. You haven't changed. No matter how gray your hair gets, you won't ever grow up. Why don't you move out of your mommy's house?"
Under his breath, Brian whispered, "Blow me bitch."
Before they reached the table, Dan couldn't hold back one question about Janey.
"Janey's divorced now? I never knew that. Why didn't you tell me, man?"
"I didn't have time," Brian said, shrugging his shoulders. "You called me out of blue two weeks ago. I arranged to get off work, and I owe everybody a favor now for covering my shifts. You just arrived in town this morning.
I could've told you about it when I picked you up from the airport, but I thought we wanted to celebrate the movie, not talk about our ex-wives."
"Point taken."
Dan knew this was trouble. Becky and Janey would be hounding him. What would Janey want from him after all these years? She was probably still the pretty hot blonde she always was back then, and now he was a fat washed up guy in his middle age. Janey would laugh at him, remove him from her memory database, and probably be the better for it.
Forget her. Let's meet this guy.
Andy Cummings had his back to them while sitting at the table. A pitcher of beer was on the table. Salsa chips and three appetizer dishes were also there ready for consumption.
"Andy Cummings?" Dan asked.
Andy turned around. The guy looked to be in his late-twenties. He was a skinny and lanky guy with buzzed hair and a shirt with the killer's mask from Bloody Mask on it, though the shirt was a size too big for him.
Andy immediately stood up, almost ejecting himself out of his seat.
"Dan Daniels. It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm a huge fan. You do us horror hounds proud."
Andy's hand was trembling when he shook Dan's hand.
"And Brian Loomis, oh man, you both are two of the biggest cult figures in horror fandom. It's an honor, a real honor, to meet you. Sit down with me. I wasn't sure what you liked, so I ordered a bunch of appetizers and a pitcher of beer. Lunch is on me. Buy as many drinks and as much food as you like."
They sat down after Dan and Brian thanked Andy for everything. Dan couldn't believe how young the kid was. How did someone so young get a hold of a copy of Bloody Mask, never mind like it so much?
So far, Andy was doing all the talking.
"I have to tell you what an impression you two made on me. I own twenty copies of your movie, or I should say, six VHS copies of Bloody Mask. I stole two of them from the local video store. I asked the place if I could buy the movie, and they said it was such a popular rental and hard to track down, they wouldn't give it up. So I stole it. I just had to own it, and I didn't care if I would be arrested or thrown in jail. And I was ten, so what would they do to me? Lethal injection? My friends and I watched this movie a thousand times, and I can't get enough. That impalement scene. Cinema's finest hour. Primo stuff.