by Grae Lily
"That woman," Sarah laughed, "she wouldn't stand for any of this."
"Taking a page from my book?" Milan asked as he sat down next to her. "Talking to yourself now? What woman, by the way?"
"Your grandmother. I was just remembering how much she loved this house and how everything had to be just so or things were not alright with her. Remember that?" Sarah hoped that by changing her tone, Milan would give up the defensiveness that he used as a shield to protect him from anything that required him to admit he was at fault.
"I remember everything." He answered. "She loved this house, didn't she? I miss her."
Sarah nodded, agreeing she missed the senior Mrs. Merced too. "This house knew love. I don't recall a time when everyone was around that there wasn't a feeling of love here. The way your grandmother used to fuss about everything because she needed it to look perfect." Sarah paused, looking around at the nearly empty room. "What do you think she'd say if she knew that the manor looked like this?"
Milan hesitated, realizing why Sarah had brought up the way things used to be. "Some things never change." He mused.
Sarah had to stifle a laugh. She knew that she'd been caught, but it didn't matter. What mattered is that Milan had to understand that although he had every right to want to move on and forget a terrible part of his life, she felt that he was taking it to an extreme.
"Leaving the house behind won't erase what happened. The pain will still be there. I guess that's what I'm trying to get you to understand. It's not about the manor." Sarah explained.
"Why is everyone so obsessed with me keeping the house? I can't live here anymore. I can't live like this. Not with all the..." His voice trailed off, his heartache palpable.
Sarah sighed, fighting back her own pain. "I'm not obsessed with this home. I'm obsessed with making sure that you are doing things for the right reasons and not discarding the life you had here because it hurts too much to remember. Tell me, when you're in California, do you forget that you lived here once, that you had a life here, that you fell in love here?"
"I can't forget. That's the problem." Milan rubbed his temple as if doing so would clear his mind.
"This thing with Johanna - is it real? Do you see her for who she is or are you trying to fill the hole in your heart? Because, I'll tell you what, she doesn't deserve to be roped into something that will only cause her heart ache. Do you realize what kind of impact that could have?" Sarah didn't mean to sound harsh, but the truth was, she worried about every decision Milan made, not just for his sake but for everyone's sake. If she'd learned anything in her lifetime, it was that the decisions that are made impact more lives than the ones that were intended to be impacted.
Milan stood up, again looking out the window. He hadn't wanted anyone to find out that he'd hired a private detective. He knew that it would only cause hurt feelings, but he felt compelled. For years, he'd waited for answers and hoped that they would come to him. Being forced to return here and face all that he'd lost, prompted him to want to protect himself and the memories because, in his mind, he'd failed Paulina.
There were signs all over the place, warning him that danger was lurking. He ignored them at first until they became more and more of a nuisance, but he never fully did anything to resolve the issues.
The Sanders men had done plenty of work around the house and Rob had taken a special interest in Paulina. At first, Milan was annoyed, but not so much so that he felt it would be a problem until it actually became a problem. Paulina began to complain about Rob and, without telling Milan directly, behaved as if Rob's presence made her uncomfortable.
Thinking about all of it now, made Milan want to explode, tear something or someone apart. He was angry at himself. That's what his issue was. He couldn't forgive himself for not doing enough to protect Paulina from the one person she'd made it obvious that she was afraid of. He hated himself for it. His upbringing taught him to remain prim and proper and welcoming and it never gave him the tools he needed to recognize when things around him were failing.
He didn't blame his family. He blamed himself and his idealist way of thinking. He hadn't seen the struggles his family went through. He was born into money and benefited from the spoils of that. Things had come easily for him. He went to a good school, got a good education, traveled, had girls who liked him. He didn't have to want for anything. It was ironic now that he couldn't have the one person who made him feel whole again. No amount of money in the world could fill that void.
When Paulina came into his life, a whole other part of him woke up, a part he never knew existed. It was like a blank canvas had been filled with all of the beautiful colors of the world and Paulina sat front and center as the most beautiful color of them all.
Everything he thought he knew simply floated away and was replaced by this blinding, mind-blowing thing called love and he dove in, never wanting to come back out of it and see the things he should have seen. Paulina consumed him and it didn't matter. That's the way he wanted it and that's the way it remained until she was gone, just like that, without a moment's notice.
Now, reflecting back, he could see that all of the clues he needed were right there for the taking and he did nothing, believing that love would sustain them and that he was untouchable because of who he was and where he came from. His family had practically built this city. No one would hold grudges against them. People loved them. He even believed that Rob's interest in Paulina came from a place more profound than love, like adoration and honor. His family provided them with jobs in a town that wasn't seeing much growth at a time when industries were beginning to fail.
"It won't bring her back." Sarah said what they both knew Milan believed.
"I know." Milan continued to stare out the window.
"She's not Paulina." Sarah warned him again.
“Who isn't?” Johanna stood in the threshold, a look of concern on her face.
Milan looked to Sarah, fearing that Johanna may have heard more than he was ready to admit, even to himself.
Sarah took a deep inhalation of air and nodded at Johanna before walking out, leaving Milan to explain himself and, hopefully, think about the impact his actions would have, not only on himself but on everyone in the household.
Johanna looked curiously at Sarah as she brushed past her with hurried steps.
"Sorry. Did I interrupt something important?" Her large doe-like eyes threw Milan slightly off balance every time he looked at her. He had to will himself not to get lost in them.
"We were just talking about nothing really. Did you need something?" Milan's eyes fell from her beautiful eyes and followed her jaw line, choosing to allow his eyes to linger at the center point of her neck. He often found himself imagining what it would be like to kiss that very spot - the spot that trembled ever-so-slightly when she was feeling particularly saddened by something and moved without much effort when she laughed.
There hadn't been much laughter in the house as of late, but although things had turned sour quickly since Milan's return, there were a few, however brief, moments when Johanna brought much-needed levity and laughter to the manor.
Where he saw darkness and no hope of revival, she saw beauty in everything. What he hadn't yet come to realize is that she saw beauty in him, much like he admired her beauty.
She moved forward, hesitant to sit down next to Milan.
"Is everything alright?" She asked, turning to him.
"Yes, things are fine, I suppose. There's just so much still to do and not enough hours in the day to get it done." He answered.
"That's not exactly what I was asking. Are things alright with you? A person can't live under extreme stress forever and still be okay. I feel like that's what you've been trying to do. I get it. I do. But you will push yourself too hard and, then, eventually, you'll fall apart." She watched as his eyebrows furrowed.
He could feel her eyes on him. Knowing how his body reacted to her, he forced himself not to look her in the eyes again. Milan feared that she'd
see through him, like she always seemed to do, and know that he'd done something that he was ashamed of. The last thing he wanted was to hurt her or anyone.
Paying heed to Sarah's words of warning, Milan did his best not to seem interested in Johanna beyond their working relationship. Years of loneliness and self-hatred taught him to understand that he was in no place to invite anyone new into his life. He knew more than anyone that if the pain was still too much to bear, then, he had not yet recovered from his loss.
"Why do you look so sad now? Has something else happened?" Johanna asked, moving her head into his view.
Milan shook his head, putting his hand on his face in an attempt to shield the feelings he wore on his face. He could still feel her eyes watching his every move. The feeling was both exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time. He wasn't used to women being interested in him anymore. Having built a virtual steel wall, blocking his heart from any and all attempts to sway him, women had the tendency to stay clear of him. Beyond his brooding and ever-present scowling, he felt that his chance at love had long since left him. He'd let it slip through his hands and there was no chance of it ever returning.
Over the last few days, aside from the uneasiness that Johanna fostered in him based on her striking resemblance to the Paulina he'd fallen in love with, she seemed to read his every thought, his every nuance, his every heart's desire and that was nearly as frightening as every other thing he'd been through over the last decade. Love was not supposed to be a part of his life any longer. Not that he felt love for Johanna - at least he didn't think so - but what he did feel, didn't feel natural to him, not in this state.
"Did you have something to say? Is it about that girl? Do you know something?" Johanna feared the worst in that scenario. From what she'd seen, that seemed to be the only plausible answer for what else could be troubling Milan.
"No, it's not that. I already told you, I didn't have anything to do with that." He said a bit too loudly. Lowering his tone, he continued, "I need to tell you something."
He watched as she swallowed, preparing for what she believed would be horrible news.
"I did something that I now see wasn't my proudest moment and I need to apologize." He began, watching her facial expressions change from fear to confusion. "I hired a private investigator."
"Oh, good. That's a good idea." Johanna had no idea yet that he'd hired one to investigate her.
Milan shook his head, saying, "No, not for the reason that you think. Just hear me out, okay?"
Johanna recognized fear in a man when she saw it. She'd had years of practice to learn the difference between a man determined to intimidate and a man who had met his match. This situation fell into the latter category. She sat back, looking directly at his face, forcing him to look her in the eyes and waited, showing him no emotion whatsoever.
"I hired him to investigate you." Milan spit the words out of his mouth as quickly as he could, quickly averting his eyes from her once ambivalent gaze to one of anger. Her breathing became heavier as the air between them thickened. The few moments of silence were deafening, but the slight twitch of her upper lip and the darkness that shrouded her eyes were all the evidence he needed to know that what he'd done would sever what little ties they had to each other.
Johanna straightened her back, staring at him. "You had me investigated? Why? And, don't tell me that this was some kind of employment background check because I know the agency did that already. Why, Milan? Who did you think I was?"
She didn't give him an opportunity to respond. Instead, she unleashed a sea of emotions on him, forcing him to face what she's had to endure since her arrival at the manor. "You have no right to pry into my personal life. You knew what you needed to know and I've never given you any reason to question me. I came here and got thrown into some crazy house of mirrors. I have to deal with the whole town hating me because of you, and I stayed. For what? To have you investigate me like I'm the crazy one here? Like I'm a criminal? I'm sorry, buddy, but I'm not the one people are accusing of murdering their wife and a poor young girl. You are."
Milan gasped, angered by her words. "Get out." He ordered, pointing to the door.
Standing directly in front of him, her face inches underneath his chin, she answered, "That's exactly what I'll do. I hope you got some kind of pleasure laughing at what I've been through and sticking your nose up at people with real problems and real lives, you spoiled rich..."
"What in the world is going on?" Sarah stood in the hallway, looking in at Milan and Johanna.
"Have the golden boy tell you." Johanna rushed passed her and walked into her room, slamming the door behind her.
Milan couldn't catch his breath. His heart beat uncontrollably out of his chest. Beads of sweat dripped down his face.
"What did you do?" Sarah asked, placing herself in his line of vision. "Didn't I tell you that this would cause problems? Didn't I warn you to leave her alone?"
He screamed, "I told her the truth, just like you told me to."
Sarah sighed, calming herself down.
"Why do you do this to yourself?" She asked, disappointed in him.
Their conversation was interrupted by the sound of Johanna's footsteps as she walked by Milan's room, carrying her belongings and running down the stairs. Neither Milan nor Sarah said a word. There was nothing left to say. They listened as Johanna started her car and backed out of the driveway.
Sarah thought she saw Milan's lip quiver as Johanna's tires screeched, but he quickly turned his face from her view. The moment was very reminiscent of the last time a woman vanished out of Milan's life. On that night, after the awful news, Sarah could do nothing but sit next to the broken man and pray that time would heal his wounds. She listened as his labored breathing slowed. The sound of his broken heart reverberated through the room around them.
Chapter Fourteen
Johanna smiled. “Oh, hi, Sarah, you scared me. Did I forget something at the manor? I guess, I left in kind of a hurry.”
Sarah took a deep breath to calm her frazzled nerves. “I just went to bat for you. I hope you don't make me look like a fool.”
Johanna opened the motel room door wider for Sarah. “What are you talking about? What did I do?”
“I don't know, but believe me, I will find out if there is something you haven't told us.” Sarah crossed her arms over her chest and leaned back on a stack of boxes. “Have I ever told you about Milan's family?”
Clearing her throat, Johanna answered, “Look, I already know what I need to know. Why am I the bad guy here? He had me investigated. Normally, I wouldn't care about that, but the way he did it, like I'm some kind of common criminal was wrong. This wasn't an employment background check. This was to pry into parts of my life that I want to forget and it's none of his business.”
“Sit down. We need to talk.” Sarah watched as Johanna struggled to understand. She would wait as long as was necessary to ensure that Johanna wasn't here to hurt Milan in any way. She genuinely liked Johanna and wanted to trust her, but too many strange things had occurred since the moment that Johanna entered their lives and, if she didn't get to the bottom of it now, she was afraid that Milan would lose his senses and do something that would destroy everything he'd worked so hard for.
Sarah looked around the small dark room. She hated the idea that Johanna felt the pressure was too much for her at the manor and chose instead to return to this.
"Sit," she pointed to the bed.
Johanna didn't appreciate being told what to do. She left on her own accord and with good reason, she thought.
"I'll stand. Thank you." The pain in Johanna's eyes, masked the bravado she was trying to display. "Just say what you have to say and let me go back to my life." Johanna swallowed the lump that formed in her throat. It broke her heart to walk away. She thought that working in the manor would be the first step to building a new life for herself, one vastly different from the often unstable life she'd led back in Indianapolis. Instead, she foun
d herself swimming in an ocean of uncertainty and falling for a man, whom at best was cold and distant, but the few tender moments he allowed to break free from the steely facade were enough to make her crave him.
"Milan isn't thinking right. I can't account for what he did, but I do know that his intentions weren't to hurt you. What I'm trying to tell you is that you have to understand what he's been through and why he is as guarded as he is. His life is at stake here. It has been for quite some time. I'm sorry if what he did hurt you, but you have to know that it wasn't out of a place of hatred." Sarah sighed, before continuing, "He needs you. As much as it pains me to say it, he needs you."
Johanna's eyebrows quirked up with interest. "What do you mean that it pains you to say it? Am I so awful? What? Because I'm not rich like him and I came from an abusive home with a father who did everything he could to make sure that I understood how much he hated me, I'm not good enough for your precious Milan? You people are a piece of work. I don't know why I even got involved. I'll tell you what though, I'm done. I'm done with both of you. Now, get out and go tend to your egotistical jackass and leave me out of it. It's bad enough that everyone in this town is looking at me funny because they associate me with him now. Thanks. Thanks for nothing."