by Grae Lily
Sarah walked to the door to shut it. "You realize that there are other people here besides us, don't you?" She pointed up to the attic. "I don't have confirmation of anything and, as far as this family goes, well, their lives weren't what you seem to think they were. They worked hard to get what they had. They made sacrifices, lost hope, stood up, despite having nothing and no one in this part of the world, and that mattered to them. So, if they didn't want certain information divulged, don't you think they earned that right?"
Frustrated, Johanna threw her hands into her hair. "Look, I don't care one way or another. All I know is I need this job and once it's over, I'll go my way and you two people can do whatever you want to do. You can go through life pretending that the truth doesn't matter. Milan can go back to California and scowl at the world, for all I care."
Sarah sat down on the edge of the bed, saying, "That's just it. You do care and that's why you came back. You can sit there and judge Milan or judge me all you want, but the fact of the matter is, neither he nor I are the only ones in this world that want some things to remain private."
Johanna considered for a moment, wanting to scream at Sarah for being so naive about how horribly both she and Milan had handled things, but she knew it would be to no avail. They were who they were and, if five years of living in the abyss of accusations, rumors, and lies didn't prompt them to rethink their individual strategies than nothing and no one, including her, would.
"You know why you'll comply? Because he loves you and I honestly believe you love him. There, is that what you want to hear?" Sarah stood up to walk out of the room.
Johanna's jaw fell. She'd prepared herself for a test of wills with both Sarah and Milan, but never expected that she'd hear this. Love was not something she ever planned to welcome back into her life and she thought she'd done and said everything possible to hide the feelings that she'd developed for Milan.
Turning to face her, Sarah added, "You see, I'm not as dumb and naive as you think I am and, if you were as intuitive as you think you are, this news wouldn't be such a shock to you. Perhaps, you should open your eyes and pay attention to the signs. They are all around you and, once you acknowledge them, then, you will get to have an opinion about some of the things you purport to know so much about."
Johanna's jaw remained open. Her whole body was frozen in place. All she could do is listen to the sounds of everyone else in the manor go about their days as if nothing had changed, where as for her everything had just come to a screeching halt and would probably never be the same again.
"Where's Johanna?" Milan asked, noticing Sarah's Cheshire grin.
"Upstairs. She wants to talk to you, if you have a minute." Sarah said, hoping that the two equally stubborn souls would save their arguing for another time and sit down to really hash things out and have a meaningful conversation before it was too late. Time was of the essence if Milan truly intended to return to California soon and the new realtor was expected to arrive for her initial walk through within the next few days.
"Talk to me about what?" Milan worried that something new had gone wrong.
Sarah's eyes narrowed as she looked at him. "Go up and find out. I can't possibly keep up with either one of you two. All I'll say is that the two of you need to start focusing on what's important and leave everything else alone. Now is not the time and this is not the place."
That's not the answer Milan expected to hear. Confused and stunned by her response, he asked, "What are you upset about?" Rethinking his question, he added, "Besides what you were already upset about? You can't keep up? I can't keep up." He marched out of the room, mumbling under his breath. It seemed like every five minutes some new dilemma surfaced and he was the one expected with having to solve the crisis time and time again.
Sarah took a few deep breaths as she listened to Milan climb the stairs. She hoped that she hadn't sent him into the line of fire and that Johanna had enough time to consider what she'd said earlier. Too much was at stake.
"I hope you two get this right," she whispered.
Milan raised his hand to knock on Johanna's bedroom door, but stopped when he heard her voice.
"Johanna?" He asked.
She continued talking, then, he heard a male voice speaking. Leaning forward, he put his head to the door.
"Hello?"
The two continued speaking. Embarrassed by his actions, Milan quickly retreated before the sound of laughter rang out from the room.
Recognizing the voice as Rob's, Milan couldn't tear himself away. He didn't understand why Rob would be in her room and didn't trust him anywhere near Johanna or anyone that he cared about. He angrily knocked on the door. Johanna opened it right away.
"Yes?" She asked, shocked to see him there.
Behind her, Rob stood, smiling.
"Everything okay in here? Aren't you a long way from the attic?" Milan didn't look at Johanna. His eyes were focused on Rob.
"Yeah, but I came down to see if the rooms down here were chilly and I scared this one." Rob pointed to Johanna.
"This one has a name." Milan stepped into the room, stopping between Rob and Johanna.
"I know. Her name is Johanna. Is there a problem here?" Rob asked, looking at Johanna for confirmation that things were okay.
She answered, "No, but to answer your question, it really hasn't been cool in here at all. In fact, it is just hot all the time in here."
Milan continued staring coldly at Rob, waiting for him to take notice and return to what he was being paid to do. Johanna watched their awkward exchange, partially embarrassed about Milan's sudden need to protect her and partially angered by his possessiveness. She made a note to speak to him about it as soon as Rob was out of earshot.
Chapter Sixteen
“Let me get rid of them. I shouldn't have shown them to you. Please, Milan, let me have them. We can pretend they never existed. Give them to me, please.” Johanna begged, regretting that she'd shown Paulina's diaries to him in the first place. She should have known better. She wished she'd consulted Sarah before handing them to Milan. Now, everything was ruined. The tender moments they'd shared would never be again. Just as he was beginning to soften and allow new, better emotions to become a part of him, these diaries surfaced and all of the anger he'd held in his heart for too long, oozed out and led his path to destruction.
“Get out.” His voice was low at first, then, became louder with every second that passed. “Get out, Johanna. Get out of my house now.”
*
Ned stood in the doorway, a grim look on his face. “Milan, I need to talk to you privately.”
Milan looked at him through bloodshot eyes. “What now? What other horrific crime are you going to accuse me of?”
The Sheriff could smell that Milan had been drinking. This wasn't the time to tell him, he knew that, but he also felt that after all that the Merced family, especially Milan had endured, he deserved to know the truth as soon as possible.
“Is Sarah here? This is important, Milan.” Ned tried to stress the importance of what he had to say.
The two men stood silently staring at each other. Beads of sweat lined Milan's forehead. His body was rigid. Ned assessed him carefully, paying heed to the telltale warning signs of a man on the brink of destruction. Moving his eyes from Milan's face to his heaving chest and clenched fists, Ned instinctively put his hand on his gun.
"Milan, let me in. I just want to talk." He said, making sure to keep his tone soothing. He glanced behind Milan, looking for any sign of either Sarah or Johanna.
"Why don't we get Sarah in here so we can talk?" Ned moved forward, gently guiding Milan away from the door. "Sarah?" He called out, his eyes darting around the front rooms, looking for signs that something had gone terribly wrong in the manor.
There was movement upstairs, but no vocal response.
"Sarah? Johanna?" Ned tried again. Milan hadn't said another word. He stood with his back braced up against the wall leading into the living room, his fists stil
l clenched, and breathing becoming more labored as the intense seconds passed.
"Milan, where are Sarah and Johanna?" Acker asked again, moving closer to him. "What is going on, Milan? Talk to me."
"I'm right here. What is it?" Sarah stood on the landing, looking over the foyer, where the two men stood, facing each other. "Sheriff Acker? What happened?" Sarah started down the stairs, her blood pressure spiking as she approached them.
Ned responded, his eyes never leaving Milan. "Is everything okay here, Sarah? Milan doesn't look like he feels well." Sarah followed his gaze. Milan's rigid jaw and cold, dark eyes sent chills down her spine.
She asked again, "What happened?"
Milan blinked as Sarah moved to grab his arm. He stared blankly at her, seeming to be in another world altogether.
Sarah motioned for the Sheriff to help her guide Milan to a seat in the living room.
"There, let's sit you down. Where's Johanna? Is everything okay here?" Ned's heart pounded against the walls of his chest as he watched Milan's stuttered movements and took in Sarah's panicked expression. His instincts told him that something had gone wrong. He just wished someone would fill him in before he had to take matters into his own hands.
*
The events of the day had taken their toll on Sarah. She couldn't think straight. Processing the information Sheriff Acker had just told them was far too much to wrap her mind around and Milan was in no condition to be able to withstand another moment. She feared he would collapse. Despite her suggestion to get some rest and let the worries of the day go away for the night, Milan refused, not with his words but with his demeanor. He turned his head every time she mentioned it. When Ned sat with him, he never once acknowledged what he'd said.
Feeling like she had no choice but to speak her mind, Sarah began, "This is enough. You have to stop this. I can't sit here and let you shut down and close yourself off from the world. Do you understand what it is you're doing? Do you even realize that Johanna has left?"
He hung his head low. She held her breath, hoping that he would come to his senses.
"Yes, I realize that she's gone. I asked her to leave." He looked at Ned. "So, is it over now? Will you leave me alone now?"
The Sheriff understood Milan's anger. He felt guilty about it, but he didn't regret that he'd done everything he could do to ensure that he found the truth behind Paulina's death.
"I wish that there had been another way. I wish that the outcome had been different. Know that I did everything I could to ensure that you had the answers. I know that this isn't what you expected and I can't imagine the pain you must be going through, but you can take comfort in knowing that no one will ever question you again about this. I'm so sorry for your loss." Ned's voice broke as he spoke. For him, it was an emotional end. He'd spent so many years believing that Milan had murdered his wife. He'd spent countless nights trying to figure out why and how. Now, with further testing, the unfortunate truth came out and, now, both he and Milan would have to reconcile their feelings about the events that took place that night.
Milan stared straight ahead, not looking at either Sarah or Ned. "It's over. What's done is done. Why are we still talking about it?"
Sarah opened her mouth to speak, but Ned shook his head, motioning for her to let Milan say what he had to say.
"My wife is dead. She's been dead a long time. It's time to go on." His voice low, as if he was trying to convince himself. The other two in the room were insignificant in his eyes. This loss was his and his alone. He didn't see how either could possibly know what it felt like or how excruciating the pain was for him.
Neither Sarah or Ned spoke. They both held their heads down, waiting for Milan to say all of the things that he'd kept bottled up inside for too many years. They both harbored guilt over what had happened. Neither was at fault, but both felt as if they should have known. Someone should have noticed something, they believed. They also understood that Milan's knee-jerk reaction stemmed more from a place of anger at himself than anger at anyone else. He was after all, married to her. He lived with her.
With tears in his eyes, Milan turned to them, "Why would she do that? Why didn't she tell me?"
Ned looked to Sarah, knowing that she would be more helpful than he in this situation. He was still very much the enemy - the bully, who had spent the last several years pointing fingers and making accusations, trying to make the truth somehow fit into his own narrative.
Sarah stood up, moving to Milan, but he backed away from her touch, trembling with rage. "Did you know?" He screamed at her.
Tears slid down her cheeks. "No. I didn't know. I had no idea." She answered, wrapping her arms around herself, her heart breaking in two over the revelations. She hadn't known at the time either. When she'd found the diaries, that was the first she heard of the problems Paulina had.
Ned stood up, creating a barrier between an enraged Milan and a hysterical Sarah. "Stop this. She isn't to blame. No one is. The truth of the matter is that Paulina did what she did on her own accord. I'm afraid that we're never going to have the answers as to why. People do many things out of desperation. For her, it was grief. You know that now."
"Why didn't she tell me? I could have helped her. That child was mine too. Why didn't she tell me?" Milan slumped into a chair, putting his head in his hands. He began rocking back and forth, his shoulders shaking as he sobbed.
Sarah tried again, her voice almost inaudible, "I didn't know. She never said anything to me. She had her reasons. Maybe she wanted to wait until she was sure, then..." she paused to find the right words to express what she wanted to say. "Maybe, when she was ready, things went bad. I can't imagine what it must have been like to have lost a child, a child that she carried. That does things to people. I'm sorry that this happened. I'm sorry that you found out this way. If I had known what those diaries said, I would have gotten rid of them a long time ago."
Milan threw his head back and ran his hands through his hair. "Johanna." He said, confusing both Sarah and Ned.
"What about Johanna?" Ned asked, looking to Sarah for clarification.
"She told me. Why didn't you tell me?" Milan's dark eyes bore into Sarah's.
"I didn't know that's what they said. I never read the diaries." Sarah started.
"But, you were the one that kept them. Both of you did the exact opposite of what I asked you to do and, now, look. Do you see what you have done?" Milan spoke through clenched teeth, hot tears still pouring down his cheeks.
Ned felt it was time for him to intervene. He couldn't bear watching Milan destroy the only relationships he had left in the world. He blamed himself for helping to drive Milan to this cold, dark place in his life.
He did something he'd never done before and wished he'd done years ago when this nightmare had just begun. Milan resisted at first, confused by the sudden embrace. He struggled to break free, but Ned used all of his might to hold Milan still. After a few moments of confusion and discomfort, Milan finally relaxed, succumbing to the pent up emotions and the reality that Paulina had taken her own life after suffering a miscarriage.
“I'm sorry, Milan. I'm sorry that this happened and I apologize for all of the pain I've added to your life.” Tears that Ned rarely shed, slid down his face. Years of being angry had finally caught up with him. He now realized that the animosity he felt toward Milan was ill-placed and came more from fear – fear for whom he believed was a monster in their midst and anger for perpetuating the hatred and sparking the vicious rumors.
“I can't take back what was said or done. I wish that I could, but know that I will do everything in my power to right the wrongs and to change the hearts and minds of everyone in this community. I'll make a public statement and allow you time to heal.” Ned added as he tried to figure out any way that he could turn this tragic case around and mend broken fences and hearts.
Milan's back stiffened. Ned released him from his arms and braced himself for a barrage of angry words that he knew he deserved. Instead,
Milan backed away, scrubbing the tears from his face with the back of his hand, and walked to the photo of Paulina that still hung on the wall. At first, he studied it, his chest heaving. Sarah moved to comfort him, but Ned held her arm, telling her to wait.
They watched Milan's pain spill from his body. His emotions rocked through him. One second, he was crying. The next, he was fighting to control his breathing. All the while, his eyes remained transfixed on the portrait of Paulina.
She seemed to be looking back at him, wearing the smile she wore up until the day that she died. That smile and those eyes are what captivated Milan at the beginning and kept his heart beating up until this point. His heart no longer beat like a man who loved, but pounded like a beast that had been set free after years of captivity. He wanted to rage, to destroy, to make it all disappear, just like she'd somehow managed to do, but he loved this manor and he loved the life that he thought they had together.