by Vicki Green
You know, peeing in a cup, one that is small and has an even smaller opening, isn’t as easy as you’d think. You know what I mean? I make quite the mess and after wetting a paper towel, cleaning it up, then washing my hands, I look in the mirror and stare at myself. “You are not pregnant. Not now.” As I walk back to the cell sized room, I think about how I am really in love with Jax, dreaming that one day maybe we would get married and start a family. Remember how I told you I didn’t want kids but if I found the right guy, really fell in love, I would definitely love to have kids? Well, after everything – now is definitely not the right time for that dream to happen.
I feel like I’m doing the walk of shame back to the room. It feels like an eternity before the door opens and Dr. Morgan returns. He sits down on a small stool and frowns. “I take it being pregnant isn’t good news?” Sigh. The test must have been positive. Figures I’d get pregnant so quickly. Thoughts fill me about my mom, getting pregnant so young and then leaving me with Gram, taking off to do whatever for herself. Selfish. No! I shake my head. You’re not like her!
“Well, let’s just say…. unexpected.”
He says he’s sorry. He gives me two prescriptions. One for an antibiotic and one for prenatal vitamins. He tells me to make an appointment for four weeks. Like most general doctors nowadays, he does everything. General, OB/GYN, specialist in some ways, and what they don’t do they refer you. I walk numbly to the store, drop off the scripts, sit down on a bench and wait, and then pick them up when ready. I’m numb. The whole time since I left the doctor’s office – I’m numb. I get home, and it’s like Willy senses my mood. He jumps into my lap as soon as I sit down on the couch. Weird. I’m exhausted mentally and physically so after sitting here petting him for a little bit, I force myself to get up, take my medicine and crawl into bed. Instead of Willy going to his castle, he whines until I put him in bed with me, and instead of crawling onto the pillow beside me, he curls up into a ball by my side. Awwwww! ♥
I hear a noise and open my eyes, the dream I had still vivid. I’d dreamt that Jax and I were living together. He was holding a baby wrapped in a blue blanket. A son. We were happy, snuggling together and looking down at him.
“Rylie? I brought you some soup. What did the doctor say?”
Groggily, I sit up and lean back against the headboard. Willy doesn’t stir. I’m not hungry in the least but I take it from her anyway. Do I tell her? Adding to her wanting to kill Jax, giving her more ammunition. Then again, I really need someone to talk to right now. I need my bestie, more than ever. “Well, I have strep throat and a cold and had a nurse from hell, who I now call Nurse Ratched because she had extremely cold hands, and I feel like shit and I’m pregnant,” I said in one breath. Then, I wait. And wait. Her expression doesn’t change. I think I’ve shocked her into silence. Wow! If I knew that’s what it took.
“OH! MY! GOD!” She squeals, so loudly, her movements shaking the bed that I almost drop the bowl of soup to cover my ears.
“Uh…. hot soup here!”
She grabs the bowl from my hands just as I was getting ready to take a slurp and sets it down on the nightstand. Quickly, I’m in her arms yet more like getting the air squeezed out of me. “You’re gonna be a momma!” Well, I’m glad she’s excited about this. Me? Not so much. She pulls back, tilting her head. “You don’t look excited.” Is she kidding? I feel like my life is a total mess right now and bringing a baby into it will just complicate it even more. She grabs both sides of my face, squishing it so hard that my cheeks feel like a chipmunks and I have duck lips. It’s like a chimpduck. “Ryland.” Ut oh! “You are a strong woman. You grew up in a situation that would make a lot of people weak. You didn’t know your dad or even your mom. You were raised by Gram and had the best life, full of love. And of course, you had me.” She smiles. I would but I can’t move any muscles in my face. “This baby will be perfect and feel so much love.” Tears well up in my eyes, making her blurry, as I grab ahold of her wrists.
“Mwah ywah hwanw.”
“What?” I roll my eyes, making some tears drop. “Oh!” She releases me, and I rub my cheeks up and down to get circulation moving. “I’m sorry.” She sits back and smiles. She’s really not that sorry. “So.” She claps her hands. “What’s the plan?” The plan? Oh!
“I’m gonna stay here, rest, and get well. I asked and the doctor said that by Saturday, I won’t be contagious.” God, I hope she doesn’t get it. She’s whinier than normal when she’s sick. “Then, we’ll go to the shop early, make everything and take a cab to the signing. Get everything set up and….” Excitement grows inside me. “We’ll have fun!”
Her brows lower. “No. I mean about the baby. And Jax? When are you going to tell him?” Shit! I hadn’t thought that far, yet. I shrug. I hold out my hand and she gives me my soup back. “You have to tell him, Ry.” I know this. She places her hand on my leg. “He’s not your dad.” Lowering my bowl, I swallow hard. Ow!
I nod. “After the signing. Just let me have this before I have to face all that. Okay?” She nods back.
“I love you, bestie.” She’s bringing tears to my eyes again.
“I love you too, bestie.”
She stands and walks to the door then turns around. “I’M GONNA BE AN AUNT!” she screams and leaves me with ringing in my ears.
My phone vibrates across the nightstand. I’m never gonna get to eat this freakin’ soup! Leaning over, I pick it up. Twenty voicemails. Fifty text messages. I let out a sigh. I’m not sure I’m up to listening or reading them just yet. Losing my appetite, I set the bowl on the nightstand and lay down on my side, pushing my hands underneath the pillow. Closing my eyes, I feel the wetness from my tears soak into my hair.
The next morning, I awaken with a start. My t-shirt is drenched. Hmmm, maybe my fever broke. I pick up my phone to check the time and see more missed calls and texts from Jax. It’s five in the morning so Molly should be heading to the shop soon. Slowly, I get up and go into the bathroom, do my business, and brush my teeth. I feel like a freakin’ truck hit me. My entire body is sore and achy. By the time I flip off the bathroom light and start to head downstairs, I hear pounding on the front door.
“I don’t give a shit, Molly! Let me see her!”
His voice is muffled by the door. My heart sinks as I sit down on the last step.
“You’re not getting in, asshole, so just give it a rest, will ya?” Molly’s pissed. She’s got her hand on the doorknob and the other flat against the door, like she thinks he’ll break it down.
Silence, except for the sound of my heart beating wildly against my chest.
“Molly.” His voice is quiet, soft. “I don’t understand what’s going on. What have I done? Is she okay? What can I do? I….” My eyes fill with tears. Molly turns her head and sees me. I can see the glimmer of wetness in her own eyes. “I miss her, Molly. I love her.” She raises a brow at me and I nod, shakily.
She faces the door. “Give her some time, Jax. She’s got a shit ton going on and she’s sick.” She pats the door as if she’s trying to console him. “Just give her some time.”
My chin quivers as I hear his sniffles. “Okay.” He sounds defeated, sad. “I’ve got time. I won’t give up on her. Will you tell her that? Please?”
She turns her head and looks at me, a tear falling down her cheek. “Yeah, Jax. I’ll tell her.”
“Tell her I love her. So much.”
She nods, more tears falling. “I will.”
The sound of his footsteps leaving makes me hold back a sob. She walks over and sits down on the step next to me, putting her arm around me as I lay my head on her shoulder. We sit there for a few minutes in silence. Then, I look up at her. “What did you tell everyone at the shop?”
She grins. “I told them the truth.” She shrugs. “That you’re sick.”
My brows lower. “What has A
ddie said?”
“Ry, she’s actually been quite concerned about you. She wanted to come over and bring you some soup but I told her you were contagious. Which again, was the truth.” I nod. Strange.
“And Jax? How has he been acting when he comes in there?”
She squeezes me. “Why torture yourself, Rylie?” I tilt my head up. “Okay.” She sighs. “He’s been horrible. He comes in there and just sits at his table with his laptop but stares out the window. He never types a thing. He looks as if he hasn’t been sleeping and worried.” Dammit! Now, I feel bad. “After the first few times, he gave up asking me, but you can see the worry in his hollowed eyes.”
I snuggle back onto her shoulder. “You know,” I whisper. “I still love him. That’s not something you can just turn off. I’m just hurt and confused.”
She reaches over and puts her hand on my head. “I know.”
Shortly after, she made me more soup and then left for work. Me? I laid down on the couch, turned on the TV, and cried myself to sleep.
Chapter 20
I slept most of the day and after having drugs in me for almost two days now, I’m actually feeling a bit better. Starve a cold and feed a fever. Or was it, feed a cold and starve a fever? No matter, I’m starving! Molly came home for lunch and brought me sandwiches. Then I slept. She came home from dinner with my favorite Chinese takeout, Cashew Chicken. Then I slept some more. Now, it’s ten thirty at night, and I’m starved, again. I must be feeling better. I take a much needed shower, text her to ask if she’d bring me more food, and sit down on the couch, staring at all the texts from Jax. Taking a deep breath, putting my hand on Willy, curled up in a ball by my side, I start reading them.
Jax: Rylie? Are you okay?
Jax: Rylie. You’re making me nervous.
Jax: Please answer me!
Jax: I’m coming over to break down your door!
He didn’t!
Jax: You weren’t there. I replaced your door. I have your new key.
He did! Oh, my God!
I skip through a bunch of them as they’re all the same worried and concern messages until I get closer to the end.
Jax: God, Rylie. I miss you so much. Molly said you’re sick. I don’t understand why you won’t talk to me. I want to take care of you.
Jax: I’ve been racking my brain trying to figure out what I could have said to you, or what I could have done to make you upset. I’ve got nothing. Please tell me what I did. I beg you. I’ll do anything in my power to make it up to you.
Jax: I miss you, Coffee Girl.
Tears are flowing down my face when the door opens. I look up and see Molly, concerned and running over to me with her arms full of grocery sacks. “Oh, my God! What’s wrong, Rylie?” Her eyes search mine. I just hand her my phone as she sits down on the coffee table in front of me.
I take the sacks, drying off my tears, and take them to the kitchen. Oh! She got my favorite pizza! Okay, I’m upset but I’m not dead, and I’m freakin’ starving! I preheat the oven and get the pizza settled on a cookie sheet. She walks into the kitchen, tears streaming down her face, and she walks into my arms. I know, Molly. I know.
“You have to answer him, Ry.” What the hell? “You can’t leave it like this. It’s more than apparent that he loves you and has no idea what’s happening. Maybe it was a misunderstanding?”
I push her back to arm’s length. “I thought you were on my side.”
“Well, I….” She stumbles but then stands up straight, taking a step back. “You haven’t seen him. You haven’t seen how horrible and miserable he is. And then to read that?” She points at the screen on my phone. “He’s hurting, Ry. He doesn’t even understand why. Throw him a bone.” She’s right. I’m hurting him because I’m hurt. Thing is, he has no idea why. I nod and walk into her arms. “That’s my girl.”
We ate our pizza in silence and once again, I lost my appetite. When did I become so mean? Two wrongs don’t make a right. Isn’t that what Gram always taught me. I’m still not ready to talk to him but as I get into bed, with Willy curled up beside me, I pick up my phone.
Me: Hi
Jax: Oh, Thank God! Rylie. Are you okay? Geez, that’s so stupid of me to ask. Of course you’re not okay. What did I do? What can I do to make up for it? Please, tell me.
Wow! He must have his phone in his hand in hopes that I’d contact him. Immediately, tears well up in my eyes so much that it’s hard to type.
Me: I’ll be okay, just sick. Strep throat and a cold. I’ll be better.
Hesitation, my chin quivers. How can anyone be this caring and stab you in the back at the same time? I’ll never understand men.
Jax: I’m sorry. Why didn’t you just tell me? I would have taken care of you. I want to take care of you.
I let out a sob, covering my mouth with my hand. I let out a shaky hand and put my fingers back on my phone.
Me: Thanks. I just needed some girl time.
I turn over and stare at the screen. Why is life so hard? How is it we give our hearts, our entire being, to someone, and it’s so easy for life to ruin it and rip it away from us? Why does it pretend to give us the one person that makes you complete and then take them away?
Jax: I miss you. Please let me know if you need anything or even want some company.
I sniff and dry my eyes.
Me: I miss you too. I promise we’ll talk soon.
Jax: Goodnight. Sweet dreams. I love you, Coffee Girl. ♥
“I love you too. So much,” I whisper.
Laying the phone down on the nightstand, I reach up and turn off the lamp then I cry myself to sleep.
“Oh, my God! No one should be up this early!” Molly whines as we start making our famous coffees and getting the pastries into the ovens.
I’m so nervous, I feel like I could puke. Seriously. It’s the day of the signing and our cab will be here in a few hours. Other than the sounds of preparing and Molly’s whining, the shop is quiet. I didn’t sleep a wink last night, my thoughts only on Jax and this whole mess. After I took my shower this morning, I had to apply extra makeup to try to cover up the dark bags under my eyes. I’d packed all the paperbacks I had by the authors that are going to be there, made sure I had my credit card and planned on getting some cash from the safe in the back room before we leave. I hope I don’t puke on one of the authors.
“How can I help?”
I look up to see Duncan standing there, wearing a nice pair of black slacks, a crisp white button down shirt, and a smile on his face. I smile, tell him how nice he looks, and ask him to keep up with making the coffees and pouring them into the large containers with dispensers. He claps his hands, says “Hi” to Molly and walks out into the shop. I’m so glad we hired him. Such a nice guy and very nice looking. Then I think about Addie. We’d become such great friends and even though I’m glad she isn’t coming in today, I’m sad. I hate to think that she did this to me. She really doesn’t seem like the type. She’s so soft spoken, so beautiful, and I miss her. Damn, what’s wrong with me? I’d even thought that maybe Jax would show up here, even though he knows we’re closed today. But he also knows we were going to be here early to get things ready. I have to say that I’m more than disappointed but kind of relieved at the same time.
“The cab’s here!”
A few hours later, ten large containers with dispensers filled with four different types of coffees and five large tubs filled with a variety of donuts and other assorted pastries and sandwiches, Duncan yells that our cab is here. I’d requested one of the SUV cabs so there’d be plenty of room for all our things and us. I unlock the front door and we all carry out containers and tubs. Even the cab driver helped. Fifteen minutes and one helluva queasy stomach filled with nerves later, we’re in the cab on our way to Ridgemont.
“R
ylie! It’s pretty cool outside. Roll up your window!” Molly nudges me.
I look out, letting the breeze in and blowing my hair around. “I need air.”
“Rylie?” Duncan calls out my name. “Do you want to sit up here? He can turn on the air just up here in the front seat.”
Ten minutes into the drive and the cab pulls over so I can get into the front passenger seat and Duncan in the back with Molly.
We pull into the entrance of the Ridgemont Hotel twenty minutes later. My hands are sweaty. I’m doubting the choice of my shirt, and it feels too tight. God, I hope I don’t start hyperventilating. Duncan disappears inside and returns with a luggage cart then we all help to stack everything on it. I thank the cab driver, pay him and throw in a tip for driving us insane people, and then walk behind the cart as Duncan pulls it inside. We have to be at their convention center room and set up in the next twenty-five minutes. Why did I think this was a great idea again? The elevator is super slow and we’re crammed into it like sardines with the cart and some very overzealous women.
“Did you hear the J. Stearns is going to be here?” a short brunette says, with equally short hair and glasses.
“Squeeeeee! I know! I’m going to faint when I finally meet him!” A very busty blonde sweeps her long hair over her shoulder then fans herself with her hand.