And then Nicholas would burn all those people with the Sky Hammer.
We left the marsh and entered a rocky field of boulders, weaving our way around the big rocks. Truth be told, the piles of rocks looked like house-sized cairns, almost like the field was a graveyard.
I didn’t know what was inside the cairns, and I didn’t want to find out.
I pressed on, my mind grim and filled with images of all the people who would die if I didn’t find a way to stop Nicholas. We just had to get to Grayhold. Once we got to Grayhold, I could get us back to Earth, and I would call Lord Arvalaeon himself. He would have the authority to warn the High Queen, and they could repulse Nicholas’s attack.
I just had to keep going.
Except I was getting light-headed, and suddenly I was really dizzy.
I stopped and braced one hand against a boulder to keep my balance.
“Nadia?” said Riordan. Both he and Russell came to a stop.
“I’m fine,” I said. “I’m just a little dizzy.” I tried to step away from the boulder, lost my balance, and fell on my backside. “Okay, maybe I’m not fine. Just dizzy. I, uh…”
Russell and Riordan were next to me in a second, helping me to sit up. I leaned against the boulder.
“Are you hurt?” said Russell. “Do you think it’s that spell the Archon used on her?”
“Maybe,” said Riordan. “Wait. No. Nadia, when was the last time you ate anything?”
“Ate anything?” I repeated, stupidly, but my brain was getting foggy. I had problems with food. Not because I had an eating disorder or anything like that, but my experiences in the Eternity Crucible meant I sometimes I had intense nausea when I put foods with certain textures in my mouth, so bad that I sometimes just skipped eating altogether. “Uh…”
“If you have to think about it, that’s a bad sign,” said Russell.
“Yesterday,” I said. “No, wait. I didn’t eat breakfast before we left for Last Judge because I didn’t want anything in my stomach in case of a fight.”
“Then you haven’t eaten anything for two and a half days,” said Riordan. He shrugged out of his pack. “All right, we’re going to stop for a little bit, and we’re going to have some food and water.”
“No,” I said. I started to rise. “We have to keep moving, if…”
Very gently, Riordan grasped my shoulder and pushed me back down. God, but he was strong.
“No,” said Riordan. “Magic use is as much of a strain on the system as rigorous exercise, and you’ve been casting powerful spells nonstop for the last two days.” He opened his pack. “You need to eat something.”
“The Sky Hammer…” I started.
“You won’t be able to stop Connor,” said Riordan, “if you’re too exhausted to open a rift way when we get to Grayhold.”
He had a point.
“Fine,” I said. “I’ll choke down a few protein bars.” I snorted. “I suppose it’s good you thought to bring those packs.”
“I thought Connor might try to strand us in the desert,” said Riordan. “Granted, I didn’t expect to wind up in the Shadowlands, but it never hurts to be prepared.”
“Amen to that,” said Russell. While we had been talking, he had finished off one protein bar and had started on the second. No one had an appetite like a teenage boy, especially a teenage boy with frostfever.
“You need to take better care of yourself,” said Riordan, passing me a protein bar.
I tore open the wrapper. “You keep telling me that. Well, Murdo kept telling me that.” I took a bite of the protein bar. It kind of tasted like peanut butter, mostly. But a sudden blazing stab of hunger burned through me, and I devoured the rest of the bar in two bites.
“He was right,” said Riordan, passing me another bar.
“No,” I said, staring at him. “No, you were right.” I thought of how he had taken care of me after I had been shot four times, how he had watched my back in Washington and Milwaukee and Last Judge Mountain. I felt my eyes start to brim up. Low blood sugar must be making me emotional.
“Hey, um,” said Russell, getting to his feet. “Someone should keep a lookout, right?”
“That’s actually a good idea,” said Riordan. “I’ll…”
“Nah, don’t worry about it,” said Russell, pointing at a nearby cairn. “I’ll keep watch from up there and come back in fifteen minutes. Then we’ll be ready to go.”
He scrambled up to the top of the cairn, which was about the size of a small house. I wanted to tell him to keep low and out of sight, but he pressed himself flat. He wasn’t visible, but he had a good vantage point.
Riordan and I looked at each other.
“He thinks he’s so clever,” I said, half-annoyed, half-amused. “Giving us time alone.”
“Do we need time alone?” said Riordan.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I mean, we’ve been alone together a lot of the last four months. I just didn’t…you know, know that you were really you.” I took another bite and swallowed, washed it down with a gulp of water from my canteen. “But you knew that I was really me and that you were really you…and…and…God, I’m not making any sense.”
“You are,” said Riordan, gazing at the boulders. “You were still yourself, Nadia. You told me once how scared you were that you would lose yourself, that you would become someone like Sergei Rogomil or Nicholas Connor.”
“Yeah.” I finished off the protein bar.
“But you didn’t,” said Riordan. “Whatever happened to you, you didn’t lose yourself. Else you wouldn’t have fought so hard against the Rebels.”
I gazed at him.
Whatever happened to me…
“Russell didn’t tell you?” I said. “What happened to me?”
Riordan shook his head. “He wouldn’t tell me. That kid is good at keeping secrets.” I laughed. “Don’t blame him for not telling you about me. He really, really wanted to, but I persuaded him it would have been dangerous for all of us. Connor thought I was an expelled member of the Wizard’s Legion. If he realized that I was part of the Family…”
“We’d all be dead,” I said. I took a deep breath. “Hey. I have to tell you something, and I really need you to listen.”
Riordan looked at me and nodded.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m so, so sorry. For all those awful things I said to you on the phone…”
Riordan shrugged. “They were only the truth…”
“Stop it,” I said. “They’re not. What happened to Miranda and Sasha wasn’t your fault. And I wasn’t afraid that I would repeat the pattern. I never, ever was. I…I was just in a lot of pain, and I was afraid I would hurt everyone around me. I almost killed Russell by accident, and I might have burned down the Marneys’ house if I hadn’t stopped myself. I was a danger to everyone around me, and I was afraid I would hurt you. So I ran from the Marneys, and I…I said those awful things over the phone to you. To keep you safe.”
“Because you had a lot of power now,” said Riordan, “and you were afraid you might lose control of it.”
“Yeah,” I whispered.
“Like being a Shadow Hunter, I suppose,” said Riordan. “All that power comes with responsibility.”
“Yes,” I said. “It does. All my life I thought I wanted power, you know? I had this stupid adolescent fantasy that if I became powerful enough, no one would ever be able to control me or hurt Russell or me again.” I shook my head. “Stupid. It never works that way. All power means is that the consequences are so much bigger when I screw up. And the price I paid for it…”
“It was a steep price,” said Riordan. “Whatever happened to make you as powerful as you are now.”
“Yeah,” I said. I closed my eyes. “Yeah, it was.”
I started to speak, my eyes still closed. I had told Russell about it, and the world hadn’t ended. Maybe I could tell Riordan about it.
“It was July last year,” I said. “Um. I went to the grocery store for Russell. The
Inquisition grabbed me in the parking lot.”
“The Inquisition.” I had glossed over a lot of the details for Russell, but Riordan would know what went into an Inquisition interrogation. He would know how they had stripped me naked, taken my fingerprints and a blood sample, how they had taken pictures of me, how they had left me cuffed in that cold room for hours.
Which was funny, because compared with what happened after that, the interrogation was nothing. Nothing at all. I suppose it was kind of funny. Well, funny in the sense of a joke that has a grisly death as the punchline.
“Yeah,” I said.
“They tracked you down because of Morvilind,” said Riordan. “Because of the things he forced you to do.”
“Actually, no,” I said. “Lord Inquisitor Arvalaeon had a job for me.”
“Arvalaeon,” said Riordan, his voice flat.
“You know him?”
“I’ve met him,” said Riordan. “A few times. He was with the High Queen when she gave us the writ of execution for Connor.” His eyes darkened. Like, literally darkened, thanks to his Shadowmorph. That only happened when he was really angry. “And if he found you, he would know about me. He stood right in front of me without saying anything.”
“He’s like that,” I said.
Riordan let out a breath, his eyes returning to their normal color. “What did he want you to do?”
“To kill Baron Castomyr,” I said.
“Why? Castomyr hated the Archons.”
“And he hated the High Queen,” I said. “He hated her so much that he was going to try to summon a Great Dark One to kill both her and the Archons. Of course, he would have botched the spell…”
“And blown up the central third of North America,” said Riordan. “Why didn’t Arvalaeon deal with Castomyr himself?”
“Castomyr had this magic gizmo called a Thanatar Stone,” I said. “Killed any Elf who got too close. So, Arvalaeon recruited me to go after Castomyr. And I’m going to guess your next question. Arvalaeon knew I wasn’t strong enough to fight Castomyr. He arranged for me to get stronger.”
“How?” said Riordan.
“He put me into something called an Eternity Crucible…”
Riordan’s eyes went flat black. I hadn’t expected him to recognize the term.
“An Eternity Crucible,” said Riordan. There was a cold edge of anger in his voice, but it wasn’t aimed at me.
“Um,” I said. “I see you’re familiar with the term.”
“Yes,” he said. “They’re never supposed to be used on humans. Even Elves can only volunteer for them, those that want to increase their magical power. I heard a rumor that Morvilind spent sixteen hundred years inside one.” He shook his head, forcing himself back to calm. “How many times did it kill you?”
“About fifty-eight thousand times.”
“One hundred and fifty-eight years,” said Riordan. “Nadia.”
“Yeah,” I said. “It wasn’t great. By the time I figured out how to escape, I wasn’t exactly sane, but I was a lot stronger. Arvalaeon was waiting for me, and he pointed me in Castomyr’s direction. That was the end of Castomyr. After…” I took a deep breath. “After, I wasn’t doing well. I couldn’t get over it.”
“That’s not the kind of thing you get over,” said Riordan. “You get used to it.”
“I know that now,” I said. “But…I died and went to hell, Riordan. I died over and over again, and it broke me. I kept thinking I was in the Eternity Crucible, that anthrophages or wraithwolves were about to jump out from behind every bush and car and attack me. I woke up from a nightmare and thought I was still inside the Eternity Crucible. When Russell came in to see why I was screaming, I almost killed him. That’s…that’s why I ran. I was afraid I would hurt him. That’s why I said…I said the things I did when you called me. Not because they’re true. They’re not. Not because I meant them. I didn’t. I just wanted to keep you safe from me.”
“I can understand that,” said Riordan. “Then Morvilind summoned you and sent you to Connor.”
“Yeah,” I said. “Morvilind’s got a deal with the Forerunner. I guess the Forerunner knows something that Morvilind wants to know. In exchange for Morvilind’s shadow agent stealing three things for him, Morvilind gets that piece of information. The Forerunner assigned the choice of the three things to Nicholas…and here we are.”
“That damned fool,” said Riordan. “Morvilind ought to know better than to play with someone like the Forerunner. If the High Queen finds out about this, he’s going to be in a lot of trouble.”
I hesitated. “You’ll…tell her?” I suppose if Riordan had gotten the writ of execution for Nicholas from the High Queen, he could tell Tarlia in person. Honestly, I doubted the High Queen would do anything. She had known Morvilind for centuries, and I suspected that she let him have a long leash. According to Jeremy Shane, he was the one who had found the path for the royalist Elves to escape to Earth for the Conquest.
But maybe the High Queen would execute him. And then…
“I don’t know,” said Riordan. “If you can find a way to cure Russell, maybe. Like that dragon pearl Mr. Vander was talking about. But…the Sky Hammer is Morvilind’s fault, Nadia. Connor is about to nuke New York and kill millions of people, and it’s Morvilind’s responsibility.”
I shook my head. “It’s my fault. I made my choices.”
“Because Arvalaeon and Morvilind put a gun to your head and forced you to make those choices,” said Riordan. “If they hadn’t forced you to do it, Connor wouldn’t have the Sky Hammer.”
I sighed. “That’s why I lied to you. I wanted to protect you and Russell and…”
I blinked, and I started laughing.
“What?” said Riordan, baffled.
“I was trying to protect you both,” I said, still laughing. “And now look. All three of us are stuck in Venomhold together. I am clearly shit at protecting people.”
“Maybe you should have just told us what happened,” said Riordan, his voice quiet.
“Maybe that would have been better,” I said. “But…but what could I have said? That I died fifty-eight thousand times? That I’ve been ripped apart and had my throat cut and been eaten alive? That’s the reason I have nausea problems, you know. Sometimes the wraithwolves ripped me apart so violently that bits and pieces of my innards fell into my mouth as I screamed, and a lot of foods remind me of that.”
“Nadia,” said Riordan, gripping my hand.
I stared at him. I kept talking. I couldn’t seem to stop myself. “Or how the bloodrats chased me and then gnawed me to death in the dark? Or how sometimes I would burn alive when I was trapped in a building?” The words tumbled out of me faster and faster. “Or how I thought you and Russell and the Marneys and everyone else had been dead for a century and a half? And how I almost killed Russell and I was afraid I would do the same thing to you, and I’ve missed you so much, and I’m sorry, I’m…I’m…”
I lost it.
I just lost it.
I stopped talking, and then I realized it was because I was sobbing, and I couldn’t stop myself. I used to cry all the time when I was younger. That sounds pathetic, I know, but sometimes you just have to get it all out and keep going. I hadn’t cried in a long, long time. Not since I had gotten out of the Eternity Crucible, not for decades before that.
Riordan pulled me close. I flinched, and then I basically collapsed against him, sobbing into his shoulder. I did that for a while. Like, five, ten minutes. At last, I ran out of tears. Too much of that and I was going to get dehydrated.
“This is really embarrassing,” I whispered.
“It’s all right,” said Riordan. “You’ve had horrible things happen to you. I think anyone else would have killed themselves or given up a long time ago. Not you, though. Never you.”
“You really think that?” I said into his shoulder.
“I know that,” said Riordan. “Why else do you think I’m here? Killing Connor and stopping the Reb
els is just the excuse. I wanted to find and help you.”
“Okay,” I said. I took a deep breath and sat up, and Riordan released his grip on me, though his hands took mine. “Okay. What am I supposed to say to something like that?” I took a ragged breath. “I’m okay. I mean, I’m not great. I’ve got a head full of crazy shit. But I’m okay. I think I can keep going now.”
Riordan nodded, let go of my left hand, and handed me a canteen. “Drink this, first.”
I snorted. “Dehydrated, right?”
“It can’t hurt,” said Riordan.
“Thanks,” I said. “For the water.” I took a long drink. I really was thirsty. “And…and…and for looking after me. Even though I didn’t ask for it. Or deserve it.”
Riordan shook his head at the last part. “It’s like Rory Murdo told you. You got dealt a bad hand.”
I snorted. “Rory Murdo. Why’d you pick that name? It sounds like an Australian game show host.”
Riordan shrugged. “Same initials. Easier to remember and easier to avoid slip-ups, which are always a danger in that kind of long-term infiltration.”
“Yeah,” I said. “Yeah. Um…” I tried to think of something intelligent to say and failed. “I think I feel better now. We should probably keep going.”
“Yes,” said Riordan. He got to his feet and held out his hand. I hesitated, took his hand, and Riordan pulled me up in one smooth motion. I had forgotten just how strong he was, even without using his Shadowmorph to enhance his strength.
“Hey, Russell?” I called up at the cairn. “It’s time to go.”
A moment later Russell climbed back down and caught his balance. “You’re okay? Your eyes are kind of bloodshot…”
“Yeah, and you heard every word from up there,” I said.
Russell shrugged. “I was keeping watch. A good sentry has to pay attention to his surroundings. There was an entire Malcolm Lock book that had a plot about a sentry who…”
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