by Mia Ford
He pulled a pack of cigarettes from his black leather jacket and lit up, right in the middle of the kitchen. Wreaths of blue smoke clouded around Andrew’s head, rising up to the shiny white ceiling that Mom and Dean had painted just days before.
“I don’t think Mom and Dean would like you doing that,” I said, unable to stop myself. Andrew just smirked in response. I winced and blushed – god! It was like I couldn’t fuck up any more if I actually tried!
“Well, I do lots of stuff Dad wouldn’t like,” Andrew said. He exhaled right in my face and I started coughing violently as the toxic smoke rushed into my lungs. Before I could get a chance to ask him what he’d meant, Mom and Dean rushed into the room and as I’d predicted, began scolding Andrew about smoking in their house.
That had been six years ago. Even though I’d grown up from a teenager into a young woman, I knew deep down that I was still the perfect goody two-shoes, the little princess who listened to every word that came out of Mommy or Daddy’s mouth.
No wonder Andrew thinks I’m a drip, I thought as I watched Mom and Dean exchange a terse look.
“So, what happened?” Mom tried to keep her voice down. I was staring down at my papers, but my ears were glued to the mouths of my parents. I was desperate to hear what they had to say about Andrew – it was the most thrilling thing that had happened to me in at least six months.
“Carissa,” Dean said. I imagined him jerking his head towards me. “Shouldn’t we talk upstairs?”
Mom sighed. I got ready for the inevitable – surely, she and Dean would tell me to leave the room. But what she said shocked me.
“I think Kristin is old enough to hear what Andrew is really like,” Mom said. She flicked her gaze over me. I felt my cheeks flush as I pretended again to be absorbed in my studies.
“Well, if you’re sure,” Dean said slowly. My heart was pounding in my chest as Dean and Mom walked over to the table and sat down.
Play it cool, Kristin, I told myself. Just play it cool. It’ll be fine. I knew I was acting ridiculous, but I couldn’t help it – this was a huge deal for me.
“What happened?” I glance up from my schoolwork at Mom and Dean, trying to read their faces.
“Andrew has always been…difficult,” Dean said tightly. He smiled unhappily. “And while your mother and I have always tried to help, I think that he’s beyond help right now.”
I frowned. “Why? What did he do?”
Mom sighed. “Honey, it’s not really a question of what he did. It’s more of who he is, really.”
“I’m confused.” I bit my lip. It wasn’t a lie. I was so sheltered that I truly didn’t have any idea of what constituted as a “bad” person. If you’d asked me to name someone who was bad, I probably would have replied: “someone who doesn’t pay their cell phone bill on time.”
“Well, honey, don’t worry about it too much,” Mom said with a sigh. She turned to Dean. “What did you hear?”
“He was living with another man,” Dean said through gritted teeth.
I frowned. “Like a roommate?”
“No,” Dean said sharply. “They shared a bedroom.” He and my mother exchanged another dark look. “And it was sinful, Kristin. Do you understand?”
My heart skipped a beat and I swallowed. Was Andrew….gay? The thought alone made me blush. I’d never met a gay person before. My best friend, Megan, had kissed another girl at a party once and it had been one of the most scandalous things I’d ever witnessed. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to be intimate with someone of my same sex. The thought was honestly pretty disturbing.
“I understand,” I said quietly.
“How long has this been going on?” Mom asked.
“I have no idea,” Dean said. He sighed, making it clear that this matter weighed heavily on his conscience. “But the private investigator told me that it looks like Andrew and this…other man…were very established in a relationship.”
“Oh my god,” Mom said. “I had no idea, Dean. He needs help.”
“He’s an adult,” Dean said sharply. “He’s free to sin, he’s free to make decisions that will damn him.” He looked at me and I shrank in my chair. “Kristin, do you realize that your stepbrother is a deviant? That he’s not normal?” Dean raised his eyebrows, making it clear that I was supposed to agree.
“Right,” I squeaked. “He’s not normal.”
“No he’s not,” Mom agreed firmly. She pushed her chair back from the table and stood up. “Kristin, please leave us. Your stepfather and I have some important things to discuss.”
As I ran up the stairs and darted into my room, I couldn’t help but feel relieved. Oddly, the news about Andrew wasn’t exactly shocking. He’d always been a little different. The weird thing was, I didn’t understand why Mom and Dean were so upset. I mean, sure, it was a sin in the eyes of God…at least, that’s what our Baptist preacher said every week. But it didn’t mean Andrew was any different as a person, right? I mean, if he’d always been like this. I didn’t know what the big deal was.
I normally wasn’t allowed to close my bedroom door for any reason other than changing clothes, but I shut the door quietly behind me and grabbed my laptop from my schoolbag. When I checked my email, it was mostly spam. But I did see an email from my best friend, Megan. Eagerly, I clicked on it.
“Hey girl,
I’m going to Boston for the weekend – I’m gonna stay with my cousin, Amanda. Do you want to come? I bet you’re really wanting a break by now.
Xoxoxo,
Megan”
Instantly, my mood lifted. I definitely wanted to go – even though there was slim chance of my parents allowing it, I was dying to get out of the house.
I just wished they weren’t so upset about Andrew. Maybe that’s a good thing, I thought as I skimmed over Megan’s email for what felt like the fifth time. Maybe since they’re distracted, they won’t even think about it.
The minutes until dinner time crawled by. I couldn’t concentrate on my work, so I’d pulled out Pride & Prejudice for the tenth time. I’d read it so frequently that I almost had it memorized, but it was still my favorite book of all time. Even though it took place in the nineteenth century, there was still something so relevant about the way Jane and Lizzy dealt with men like Bingley and Darcy.
When it was time to eat, I bolted downstairs. The kitchen smelled delicious – I could tell that Mom had made her standard chicken soup – and I sat down in a chair, primly folding my hands in my lap until Dean and Mom joined me. They weren’t speaking much, and Dean’s lips were twisted in a permanent scowl.
It was clear that Andrew and his “deviancy” were still very much on their minds.
By the time Mom and Dean sat down, the trip to Boston was practically all I could think about. I played along with their small talk for a few minutes, sipping my soup and eating quietly.
“Kristin, what’s on your mind?” Dean passed me the bread basket and I took a small roll, toying with it in my fingers. “You’ve been awfully quiet this evening.”
“Oh, not much,” I said, trying to keep my voice as casual as possible. “Just…my friend, Megan, from school emailed me. She’s going to Boston and wanted to know if I could come with her.”
“That sounds nice,” Mom said mildly. My heart soared as she looked at me. “When?”
“This weekend,” I said, buttering a piece of my roll. My stomach was churning but I knew I had to keep up the pretense of at least looking hungry.
“Well, I don’t see why not,” Mom said. Just as I was about to leap out of my chair and jump for joy, the other foot came crashing down.
“Just as long as you’re home for supper,” Dean said. He passed me the green beans and I took them numbly.
I licked my lips. I knew it was now or never.
“Well, that’s the thing,” I said carefully. “Megan doesn’t really like driving at night – it’s dangerous, you know – and she’s going to stay over with her cousin Amanda. She invited
me to spend the night, too.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that,” Mom said. She frowned. “Boston is a big city, Kristin. Where does Amanda live?”
My mind buzzed and whirred and finally, I spat out the name of the first neighborhood I could think of.
“Jamaica Plain.”
Mom frowned. “That neighborhood has a lot of crime activity,” she said. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to go.”
Something snapped inside of me. I knew I shouldn’t argue with my parents, but I’d had enough. It felt like every time something good happened to me, Mom and Dean had to step in and snatch it away.
“That’s not fair,” I said hotly, standing up from the table. Mom and Dean both looked at me in shock.
“Kristin, sit down,” Mom said sharply. “We’re still eating.”
“I’m an adult!” I said loudly, crossing my arms over my chest. “I’m twenty-two years old! I’m not a little kid anymore!”
Mom’s eyes burned with anger. “Yes, and you’re living under this roof,” she said hotly. “You don’t get to make demands like this.”
“But I’m not a child! You can’t keep me here!”
“Well, Kristin, if you feel that way, you’re welcome to move out,” Dean said. “You’ll need to find a job so you can pay for school, and housing, and your cell phone, and utilities, and insurance, and all of your other bills.” His calm smile infuriated me. “And as soon as you do that, you’re free to do things like visit Boston for the weekend. But until then, it’s our rules.”
I stared at him, my mouth hanging open in shock.
“This is why Andrew acted out,” I cried loudly. “You didn’t give him any room to breathe!”
Before Mom and Dean could say anything else, I spun around and stomped up the stairs. Hot tears leaked from my eyes and I slammed my bedroom door behind me, throwing myself on the bed and sobbing.
It’s not fair, I thought angrily. I hate them for doing this to me! The tears burned my eyes as they streamed down my face and my nose was filled with gluey, wet snot.
Eventually, I cried myself to sleep.
The next week dragged by. Christmas was the usual family affair – we went to Mom’s parents’ house first, then to Dean’s father’s for a second dinner. Both events were full of cousins whom I’d rarely spoken with before, and I didn’t exactly have high hopes for gifts. I’d worked hard to knit Mom and Dean scarves. They seemed to like them okay, but honestly, I was still angry over the whole Boston thing. I was starting to realize that being sheltered wasn’t exactly a good thing.
Andrew hadn’t come home. I hadn’t exactly expected him to do so, but it still felt like a loss. When we were at Dean’s father’s house, I snuck into the hallway and looked at pictures of Andrew as a little kid. With his big eyes and curly dark hair, he gave every indication that he’d grow up to be a real devil.
When class started up again, Megan was in my biology seminar. After class, we got coffee in the student union. It was the first time I’d seen her since the previous semester, and I felt like we had loads to talk about. Or at least, she had loads to talk about. The most exciting thing I’d done all break was help Mom bake cookies for the annual church bake sale.
“Oh my god,” I gushed when I saw Megan. She’d cut her butt-length straight red hair into a chic bob that showed off her jawline. She was wearing a black leather jacket and sleek leggings – she looked at least five years older.
“Santa really hooked me up this year,” Megan said with a smirk. “How was your Christmas?”
I rolled my eyes. “Horrible,” I mumbled. “I’m so sick of Mom and Dean right now. They keep treating me like such a little kid.”
Megan nodded sympathetically. Like me, she’d grown up with strict parents. But her parents had gotten a divorce while she was in high school, and after that, Megan’s mom turned out to be pretty wild. She lived at home, too, but unlike me, she had basically free reign. She also had her own car, and she’d had three boyfriends. I was worlds below her in terms of experience.
“Well, I’m going to Boston again this weekend,” Megan said. She smirked. “Why not tell your parents that you’re staying over with me and come with? Amanda is so much fun,” she gushed. “When we were there, she took me to this brewery and there were so many hot guys working. I got like, six phone numbers.”
My palms itched at the thought of getting even one phone number.
“Wow,” I said. “And, um, I don’t know. I feel really weird lying.”
“Kristin,” Megan said dryly. “You have to do this, girl. You owe it to yourself.”
I slumped down in my seat and sipped my coffee. “I don’t know,” I mumbled. “It really seems like a bad idea. You know how strict she is.”
“If you don’t lie to your parents and sneak out, I’m coming over there and kidnapping you,” Megan said. “Okay?” She smirked at me and suddenly, I was reminded of why we were such good friends. She’d always been able to read me like this – it was one of her best qualities.
“Okay,” I agreed. “But if I get in trouble…”
“You won’t,” Megan promised. “Trust me. We’ve got everything taken care of, and you’ll be home right after breakfast the next day.” She giggled. “I hate driving with a hangover, but it’ll be worth it.”
That night, I went home and told Mom and Dean that I had a big test in biology the next week, and that Megan and I would be studying together over the weekend. It didn’t hurt that her older brother, Michael, was in med school. Mom bought the lie immediately. I didn’t even have to sweat too much. I guessed they were still distracted about Andrew, because normally, I would have had to face a lot of questions if I told my mom I was just going to leave like that.
As Megan and I drove into Boston, my excitement took over and I forgot about being nervous. Her cousin, Amanda, was basically everything I want to be in the future – gorgeous, sexy, funny, and with a great job that let her rent a fabulous apartment. She took us out dancing, and to breweries, and out to dinner with her friends at this gorgeous restaurant that overlooked the bay.
“This is so cool,” I said, sipping at my spiced caramel martini. It was so sweet I couldn’t even tell that I was drinking alcohol. “I love it here.”
“I come here all the time,” Amanda said. She pointed over my shoulder, towards the bar. “One of my friends works there, you see that blonde guy?”
I nodded, blushing. “He’s really cute.”
“He’s gay,” Amanda said with a laugh. “So don’t think too much about him. But he’s really sweet, and he always gives me free drinks.”
Just then, I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket. I frowned when I realized that it was Mom.
Fuck, I thought. What does she want?
When I showed Megan, she shook her head. “Don’t answer,” she said quickly. “She’ll leave you alone if you don’t pick up. Just tell her you were studying and you didn’t hear it go off.”
But seeing Mom’s name on the screen gave me a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. Nervously, I bundled up in my coat and went outside, wishing that it wasn’t so loud.
“Hi,” I said. “What’s up?”
“Kristin, where are you?”
My heart sank. “Um, I’m at Megan’s,” I said. “We’re studying, remember? I told you I’d be spending the night here.”
“Don’t you dare lie to me,” Mom said. “Where are you, Kristin?”
A lump formed in my throat and my skin suddenly felt too hot and too tight for my body. I was gripping the phone so tightly that my hand was numb.
“Kristin, if you don’t answer me, I’m calling the police,” Mom snapped. “So you’d better tell me. Now!” She ordered loudly. “Where the hell are you?”
“Um, I’m in Boston,” I squeaked quietly. “With Megan. I’ll be home tomorrow.”
“The hell you will!” Mom yelled. “You’d better walk through this door in one hour or else!”
“I can’t,” I replied
. “Megan won’t leave – Mom, we’ve had a few drinks, it’s not safe if she gets behind the wheel of a car!”
“I don’t give a shit,” My mom snarled. I was taken aback – the few times I’d ever heard her curse, it had never been directed at me.
“Well, Mom, I can’t come home,” I said. “I’ll be home tomorrow, okay?”
“Unless you’re coming to get your things, you’re no longer welcome,” Mom said icily.
“What?” The word came out as a yelp. “What did you just say?”
“If you can’t obey my rules, you’re not welcome in my home,” Mom snapped. “You lied to me and disobeyed me, Kristin. You’re a bad daughter! And since you’ve shown you can’t respect the rules, I’m not going to let you stay here anymore.”
I felt like my world was crashing down around me. Without saying anything else, I hung up the phone and slid it into my pocket. All around me, people buzzed in crowds and groups. They were all happy – laughing, singing, making jokes. I hated them for being so carefree. I bet they don’t know what this feels like, I thought, glaring.
An icy wind whipped over my face and stung my eyes. Finally, I pushed my way back into the restaurant and sat down with a huff at the table.
Megan and Amanda eyed me. “What’s wrong?” Megan asked. “Everything okay?”
I shook my head, feeling numb. “It’s not okay,” I said. “She kicked me out of the house. She found out I lied to her. She told me I can’t come back unless it’s to grab the rest of my stuff.”
Megan and Amanda looked at each other.
“Well, you’re welcome to crash with me for a night or two,” Amanda said slowly. “But my landlord has a really strict policy about no other people staying in the apartment for more than a week.”
I stared at her. “It’s okay,” I said, even though I felt so far from okay that it wasn’t even funny. “I know I’ll have to find somewhere else.”
“You can always move in with me,” Megan said brightly. “Michael’s friend Teddy did that when they were still in pre-med. My parents only charged him three hundred dollars a month for rent, isn’t that good?”