Carol just shook her head. “I swear, I love my son, but he never makes very good decisions, does he?” she asked, and for the first time all afternoon I genuinely laughed, but it felt unnatural.
“Do you think he really has feelings for me?” I asked, wondering if she knew the truth.
She sighed, as if contemplating how she wanted to respond. “I don’t know,” she finally said, “but I can tell you don’t have feelings for him.”
I sighed miserably. “I love him, Carol. You know that, but I love him like he’s my brother. I don’t have those feelings for him.”
“Here’s the thing, Logan,” she said, setting the washcloth down and leaning against the counter. “Ethan has never given his heart to anyone but you, and I think it scares him to think about giving it to someone else.”
I narrowed my eyes in confusion. I wasn’t exactly following where she was going.
“Do you remember how shy he was as a child?”
I nodded. Garrett had always been so animated, and Kelly had been outgoing, so Ethan had shrunk into the background in his family.
“He was such a sweet boy, but he was painfully shy. He didn’t have many friends until he met you. He never asked me if he could invite anyone over to play or expressed any interest in going to another child’s house, and he didn’t really talk about his friends at school. But then he met you, and he didn’t stop talking about you that whole night, and the next day, he was begging me to call your mom to see if you could come over to go swimming. Do you remember that day?”
I nodded. I had so much fun at Ethan’s house that first day, swimming until we were tired, and then eating a lunch his mom had made while we watched cartoons in his playroom. I honestly never would have left if Carol hadn’t called my mom to see what time she wanted me to come home, and my mom remembered I was at their house. After that day, Ethan and I were inseparable.
“He was never shy around me,” I recalled.
Ethan came out of his shell with me, but when we’d run into people he knew, he’d shy away and revert back inside himself. It wasn’t until he started to grow taller, fill out, and get really good at surfing that he started to gain confidence, but that was years later. He’d completely evolved over time into the confident, sometimes cocky, but still incredibly sweet, good looking, genuine guy he was. But to me, he’d always been that guy.
“He wasn’t shy around you,” Carol said, watching me carefully, “but at the same time, you accepted him for who he was, and that allowed him to trust you. I have a feeling that Ethan has never had a girlfriend because he’s afraid to let people in. He’s afraid to get hurt, and he knows you won’t hurt him.”
I swallowed and shook my head. “I did hurt him,” I said, looking up at her. Her serious expression was so much like Ethan’s that it broke my heart. “I pushed him away and yelled at him and told him to leave me alone.”
Carol smiled a small, comforting smile. “He knows you didn’t mean it.”
“But I’m not in love with him,” I said, knowing that would hurt Ethan more than anything.
“You know, Logan, if I had to guess, I’d say he’s not in love with you either. He’s just afraid that he’s losing you, and so he’s grasping for anything he can hold onto. I know Tom and I have teased you guys for years about how we hoped you’d end up together, but we never actually thought that would happen. And if I had to guess, that’s because you’ve found the guy you’re going to end up with. Ethan will find that person too.”
“What do you mean by ‘the guy I’ll end up with’?”
Her words terrified and exhilarated me at the same time.
“I’ve never seen you happier than you have been since you’ve been dating Jase, Logan,” she said simply. “I know you’re young and your parents’ situation probably doesn’t give you a lot of hope, but not every relationship has to end that way. Keep in mind that Tom and I met when we were just a few years older than you, and we’ve been married for thirty years.”
I let her words hang out there in the air, mulling over their meaning.
“Jase is so mad at me right now, Carol. I don’t think he wants to be together for another day, let alone anything long-term.”
“Tell him what happened,” she said simply. “Explain yourself. Even if he doesn’t listen when you tell him, he’ll come around. I can tell his feelings for you are strong, as well. Kelly told me how much he adores you. He won’t let go of you very easily.”
“He told me he loved me on Saturday,” I said, recalling the feeling of hearing Jase say he loved me for the first time. There was nothing like it in the world, especially when I felt the same way about him.
“He’ll come his senses,” she insisted, giving me a warm smile.
I had no idea if she was right, but I stood up and hugged her anyway, hoping what she said was true. “Thank you, Carol.”
“Anytime, Logan,” she responded, squeezing me tight. When she pulled back, she appraised me. “Can I make you something to eat?”
Her question made me remember that I’d had lunch plans with Jase, and I hadn’t eaten anything since early that morning.
“Please,” I said, as she put her arm around me and led me down the hall to the kitchen.
***
I stayed with Carol for a few hours before I figured I needed to get back to campus. I’d been hiding out all day, and people were looking for me. Of course, Jase wasn’t one of those people, but Garrett, Henley, and Ethan had all called several times.
I thanked Carol and got in my car, wondering if I should stop by to say hi to my mom, but I just didn’t have the energy, so I just headed toward USC. But when I got to the turn I knew would take me to Jase’s house in the Hollywood Hills, I turned.
Winding up the dark road, my heart started pounding in my chest as I got closer and closer. I sincerely hoped he was home – and that he was alone. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw his black Maserati in the driveway and the lights in the house on. I slowly slid in behind him and quietly put my car in park, as if he could hear the actual shifting of the gears and would come outside and tell me to get lost. I needed to see him face-to-face.
I paused outside the door, and then tentatively knocked, holding my breath as I waited. When he finally opened the door, his face was stony and cold. He didn’t say anything or even acknowledge me, nor did he back up, so I could come inside. I figured that was my indication to start talking.
“I’m sorry,” I gushed. “Jase, I’m so sorry. Please know that that kiss didn’t mean anything. I don’t have any feelings for Ethan, I promise, I don’t. Please know that. I hate that you had to see that, but trust me, it didn’t mean anything. Please.”
I was babbling, but I couldn’t seem to say what I really wanted to, what I should have said.
Jase just shook his head. “I don’t date cheaters,” he said, and he started to close the door.
“Wait, stop,” I said, putting my hand out to keep the door from closing.
“What?!” he demanded, his gaze looking so fierce and frightening that I cringed back.
“I didn’t cheat, Jase,” I insisted.
He raised one eyebrow at me, but he wasn’t amused.
“Did you kiss Ethan?”
“Yes, but–” I started to say, but he cut me off.
“You cheated,” he said matter-of-factly, and I knew that after everything he’d been through, he wasn’t going to change his mind.
“Jase, I love you, please,” I begged, tears welling up in my eyes as I took in how angry he was with me.
“No you don’t,” he said, shaking his head. “If you loved me, you wouldn’t have done that.”
I threw my hands up in desperation. “I didn’t. He kissed me, and I pushed him away.”
“Not from my angle,” he said flatly. “I saw him kiss you, and you kissed him back. That’s it.”
“Jase,” I pleaded, not sure how I could convince him.
“Just go, and please stop calling me,” he said
, and then he very unceremoniously closed the door in my face.
I stood there open-mouthed at how cold and detached he’d been. I knew he was upset, and I completely understood, but I’d expected him to at least hear me out, to believe me, to trust that I wouldn’t do something like that to him. I knew how badly Chloe had hurt him and how much he despised cheating. But I also knew he thought I was just like her, and because of that, he couldn’t forgive me.
I would never do anything to hurt him, especially cheat, but he couldn’t see that. And that was what hurt the most.
-24-
I didn’t think it was possible for a person to cry as much as I had in the past week, but I guess it was. Until the day before, my eyes had been in a constant state of puffiness, so I covered them with sunglasses whenever I needed to leave my dorm. Social engagements were cut out, I wasn’t returning phone calls, and the only person I’d spoken to was Henley, only because she slept five feet from me.
Ethan had called me daily, multiple times, but I refused to call him back. He’d ruined everything, and I wasn’t nearly ready to forgive him or even hear him out. Everyone else had left messages throughout the week – Garrett, Skylar, my dad, even my mom, but I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I just wanted to curl up and shut out the world, because quite honestly, nothing felt right. Without Jase, it was like a light had gone out.
I never thought I’d be one of those girls who fell apart when she broke up with her boyfriend, but I’d also never felt the depth of feelings I felt for Jase before. I’d never loved someone with such reckless abandon, and I had no idea how amazing falling headfirst into love could be. So I dove in and let the wind rush past me. But then while in the middle of the free fall I was abruptly jerked backward, and now it felt like I was drifting through the nothingness, empty and lost and confused.
I wanted so badly for him to just call, to tell me he was wrong and that he knew the kiss hadn’t meant anything, but he never did. And today it was so much worse, because it was the night of his premiere – the one he’d invited me to a month earlier because he wanted me to share his big night with him, and I’d been so looking forward sharing his night with him.
Even if I’d had to watch him walk the red carpet and talk to media with Ellie, I would have known that he was mine. Watching him charm the reporters and smile his secret smile for the cameras would have made me grin from ear to ear, and then we would have watched the movie together. He would have discreetly taken my hand once the lights went out and no one could see us, and at the party afterward, we would have talked and laughed and counted down the minutes until we could go back to his place and he could unzip the charcoal gray dress I’d be wearing, that I’d bought just because I knew he’d love it.
My beautiful dress hung sadly in my closet and the Jimmy Choo’s I’d practiced walking in up and down the hall of my dorm would remain pristine in their box, which was probably better anyway since I’d be terrified of scuffing a pair of $700 shoes through sheer clumsiness. Oh well, maybe one day I’d have an excuse to wear them.
At least I hadn’t cried all day. That was something. It was a milestone.
I sat in the middle of my bed with my arms looped around my knees and sighed. Outside the sun was drifting down in the late afternoon sky, and soon it would be dark. It was fine, it matched how I felt inside.
I wondered if Jase would be taking a real date to the premiere. Would he do that? I hoped not. It would kill me to know he’d moved on so quickly when the feelings I’d amassed for him over the past few months, although terrifying, hadn’t diminished one bit. I loved him. It was that simple.
I’d fallen in love with a boy who wore his heart on his sleeve and who’d been through a hellish break-up and who’d let me in when he’d shut out those closest to him. He was sweet and sensitive and so talented, and he was funny and caring and over-the-top charming at times. Girls across the country adored him because he was beautiful, but I’d gotten to know the person he was off-screen, and that guy was a million times better than the guy the rest of the world got to know. He was special, and he’d been mine, but then he’d pushed me away, because of something that wasn’t my fault, that he didn’t understand and that he didn’t even question. And that was what killed me.
He knew me. He knew I’d never hurt him – or so I’d thought. He’d believed so readily that I could betray him, and for that, I hated him. I hated him, and I loved him, and my heart felt like it had been ripped in two.
“Hey sweetie,” Henley called cheerfully as she slipped into our room and tossed her tote bag of books onto her bed.
“Hey,” I called glumly, looking over at her bright and cheerful expression. I wished she’d stop smiling.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, as she took in my morose demeanor. “You were doing so well when I left for class.”
I shrugged, as Henley crossed the room to sit next to me. Her arms encircled my shoulders and pulled me close, so I laid my head on her shoulder. As soon as my cheek felt the soft cotton of her shirt, I felt the tears well up in my eyes, and the floodgates opened.
“It’s premiere night,” Henley said, understanding dawning on her face, and all I could do was sniffle and cry harder as she rubbed my arm with her hand. “It’s okay. It’s fine. We’ll just do something that will take your mind off of jerkface, okay?”
I pulled out of her embrace and buried my head in my pillow, the weight of the day and the feelings that suddenly overwhelmed me too much to bear.
“I just want to take a nap,” I mumbled into my pillow. I was so tired, and closing my eyes felt like the best thing in the world in that moment.
Henley sighed. “Okay, I’m going to go out and get some ice cream and cookie dough and some stuff to make nachos in the microwave. I’ll be back in about an hour. You sleep, and when you get back, we’ll have a girl’s night and pig out, and I will have you laughing by the end of the night.”
I ignored her and closed my eyes, shutting out the world. I was pretty sure nothing was going to make me laugh that day, and that was it. Time was the only thing that was going to help me, and I couldn’t make it go any faster than it already was.
***
I awoke to a pitch black room when I felt someone sit on the bed beside me. A second later, light flooded the room, and I squeezed my eyes shut in protest.
“Henley,” I grumbled, trying to push her off the bed. “Turn off the f-ing light.”
“Just talk to him,” Henley said, and I realized she was across the room.
My eyes flew open as I turned to look at who was sitting next to me. Looking as battered and bruised as I was, Ethan was there looking down at me. I blinked a few times, not sure what to say.
“Hey,” I finally said for lack of anything better. My feelings and emotions toward him were so clouded in that moment that I felt awkward around my best friend for the first time in my life.
He reached out and smoothed my hair back from my forehead. “Hey, Lo. I’ve missed you.”
I watched the way he looked at me with a reverence he only reserved for those he truly cared about, and I realized in that moment that as mad as I was, I’d missed him too. He might have ruined things between Jase and me, but I didn’t think that had been his intention. I’d already lost someone I cared so much about, and I knew, as Ethan sat next to me, I couldn’t lose him too.
“I missed you too,” I said, sitting up and wrapping him up in my arms.
He sighed, long and loud, as if letting out a wealth of emotion that had been pent up. His head tucked in next to mine, and he hugged me fiercely and without abandon.
“I’m so sorry,” he said, repeating what he’d said on message after message he’d left for me.
“I know,” I said, forgiving him completely in that moment, because above all else, he was my best friend and the person who’d been there for me since as far back as I could remember. He was far too important for me not to forgive him.
He pulled back and appraised me, shaking his he
ad. Then he sighed resignedly. “There’s someone here who wants to talk to you,” he said, rising to his feet.
“What? Where are you going?” I asked, as he walked to the door.
He turned around and looked at me, smiling a small smile. “Call me later, okay?”
And my heart sank. Were we not okay? Was he really in love with me, and by knowing I didn’t feel the same way, he was breaking off our friendship? Oh, my God, I couldn’t take that.
“Ethan, wait.”
He blinked a few times before crossing the room back to me. He cupped my face in his hands.
“We’re okay,” he said. Then he kissed my forehead, letting his lips linger for a few beats before his hands fell away. “I just – I owe you, so let me just make things right, okay?”
I nodded, not sure what he was talking about. Before I knew what was happening, he was gone, and I was alone. Then half a second later, the door opened again, and my heart nearly stopped.
Closing the door softly behind him, Jase turned and faced me, his secret smile on his face and his eyes locked on me.
I stood up in an instant, crossed the room and threw my arms around his neck, not caring that he’d dismissed me so harshly outside his house. In that moment, with him standing in my room, all I wanted to do was feel close to him again.
After a few seconds, his arms wrapped around my waist, and he pulled me so tightly against his chest I thought I might stop breathing, but I didn’t care.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, knowing I had no plans of letting him go anytime soon.
“I love you so much, Logan,” he whispered in my ear. “I’m so sorry.”
I pulled back to look at him, and he was watching me carefully. I swallowed, as I fell into the depths of his green eyes, getting lost in the emotion I saw there.
I swallowed hard, not sure what to say.
“Jase, this has been the worst week of my life,” I said, as I tried to hold onto the emotions simmering just below the surface – mixed with the love I felt for him were anger and hurt and relief that he was standing in front of me, but it didn’t change that he had initially thought I’d betrayed him.
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