by Renee Lovins
Chris returned a minute later, two glasses of wine in his hand. He handed one to both of us. "I shut off the food, it was almost done. Now I think we need to talk because there has been some misunderstandings here." He turned cold eyes on Julia, who still stared at her hands, not lifting her head, though she had accepted the wine glass.
"It is my understanding that John has been dead for over a year. Is that correct?"
I didn't answer, but I wanted to hear what she said. I could tell you the number of days it had been, how many nights I'd laid awake wishing he was there, and fighting the tears that didn't change anything.
"Yes. He's been gone that long."
"Do you think Heather didn't love him? Or he her?"
Julia jerked her head up and her face grew flushed, then her eyes caught our engagement photo. Both of us laughing, me curled up in his arms as the picture was taken. The anger and heat fled from her posture as she shook her head. "No. They were so much in love. I felt jealous watching them sometimes."
"So is she supposed to have died with him?"
"No." She swallowed hard and took a large sip of the wine. "I… my husband died about three years ago."
I nodded unable to speak. We had gone to the funeral, but her husband had been a decade older than her and had major health issues. John had actually been relieved when he died as he had been so sick.
"I just was so angry that she seemed to be living, to be able to love again, and I'm still alone. I've lost my husband, my son, and now I don't have anything."
Part of me felt like I should reach out and tell her she had me, but I couldn't. She had always been so distant and after today, I just couldn't. My sanity seemed to be hanging by a thread.
"And you think there is something wrong with her wanting companionship? Someone to have sex with? Someone to be a part of her life?" He remained controlled and calm, and I had to resist saying anything. If I spoke I'd try to hurt her as bad as I hurt right now. All the careful thoughts and reassurance I'd given myself had fractured under her words and I just wanted to close my eyes and never wake up again.
"Ye.." she started to say, then looked at me and closed her eyes, new tears running down her face. "No. And I don't know why I'm so angry. I had a new lover three months after I buried my husband. I needed someone to touch me. I had no right to be mad at you I just... " her voice trailed off again as she averted her eyes from my face. I couldn't look away from the naked grief and anger.
How had she been able to jump in bed with someone? I still couldn't and I liked Chris, a lot.
Guilt peaked again and my hand shook. I gulped a bit of wine trying to calm, to focus.
"Because you lost both your husband and son in three years? Because you hurt? Because Heather gave you a target for your own guilt?" Chris's low voiced questions had her flinching at each one as if they were physical strikes.
"Yes," her voice so soft I could barely hear her.
Chris leaned against the wall looking at us, and all I could do was try to not give in to my own doubts.
"Julia, Heather was in a car accident last week. I've been helping because I'm interested in her, and she is a friend. We are dating, but I haven't been lucky enough to do more than kiss her. We are going slow because she loves her husband, your son still. And she will always love him. I'm just hoping that maybe she'll be able to love me too."
My head jerked up and I looked at him, confusion, hope, fear, guilt all churning into a mixture of emotions I couldn't even begin to parse.
Julia had dried her tears with shaking hands and gave a short laugh. "Good." She stood looking at me. "Heather, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those words, shouldn't have even thought them. I think maybe I should talk to someone because I'm not handling this as well as I could. Maybe in a month or so we can have lunch? I'd like to talk to you about John and apologize for what happened here."
I didn't trust myself to speak, so I just nodded.
"Good," her smile was tremulous as she spoke. She put the half drank glass of wine down. "I'll see myself to the door, and I'm sorry." The clicking of her heels on the hardwood as she let herself out sounded like nails being driven into a coffin.
Neither of us spoke until the front door closed and I heard her car pull away.
Chris came and sat down next to me, his hand tilting my head to look at the imprint of her palm. "Are you okay?"
The words mixed with everything else shattered the dam I'd built over the last six months, when I had tried to start living again. I always told myself that crying didn't change anything, so I had stopped the tears every time, but this time I couldn't. Mixed with the pain from my face, my butt where I fell on it, and the leg I had jarred and then the added guilt that Julia had heaped on me, I lost my battle. I fell into his arms and the tears flowed out, my sobs of "I'm sorry" were interspersed with "I miss him". Through it all Chris just held me, letting me cry.
When the tears finally let up, he handed me yet another tissue, and I mopped at my face.
"I'm going to go clean myself up." I muttered unable to look him in the eyes.
"Sure." He helped me stand, and I headed to my room, each step feeling the weight of the cast and my heart. I went in and looked at myself in the mirror and sighed. My makeup had run, making me look like my face had melted. The slap imprint was livid red and swelling, sure to turn more pretty colors. There was nothing I could do to help it not look so angry, so I cleaned up my face, brushed my hair, and went back out to say goodbye. What man would want to deal with me like this? I'd never be over John.
Part of me expected to find him gone by the time I got out, but Chris had dished up two plates and carried them out to the deck, setting it up for dinner.
"Come on dinner is ready." he helped me out there, giving me a refilled glass of chilled wine and then sat down looking at me with a cautious eye.
I avoided. I didn't want to hear what he had to say. "How did you get so good at dealing with upset women?" I asked, avoiding the inevitable.
"Three years as a softball coach for my daughter's teams. You two had nothing on girls fighting over a guy, especially when the day before they were best friends." The humor in his voice gave me the courage to look up. His eyes caught mine the second I lifted them.
"I'm not going anywhere. I know you love John. I get that. There is a part of me that will always love my wife. She gave me Lana. I could never hate her. What Julia said was cruel and unfair. Ignore her. She lashed out because she hurt too. Heather, you get to decide what is right for you. No one else."
His words resonated in my brain, and I closed my eyes to focus on them.
I get to decide what is right for me. I get to.
There was something oddly freeing with that thought. I'd been so busy being what everyone else thought I should be, a good worker, a quiet widow, a responsible person.
Maybe I could be someone else?
The idea continued to bounced around my head as I ate, and my plate was empty when I realized I hadn't said anything the entire time. I glanced at Chris and he was looking out at the trees, playing on his phone, not doing anything other than glancing at me every so often.
"I am so sorry, I got lost in my own head."
"It happens. I could tell you needed to parse out some things in your head, and it's quiet out here." His smile crinkled up the corner of his eyes and I had the sudden desire to know how he would look when he was sixty. That thought derailed me.
I get to choose what is right for me. There might be pain, but the joy was worth it with John.
"Spend the night."
The words came out with no smile, no coy looks, just a request blurted out.
Chris blinked an uncertain look flickering over his face. "Are you sure? I don't think you're ready for that, especially after today."
"I'm not ready for sex, though I'm very interested, but I'd really like to spend the night in your arms. To wake up with you in the morning."
He leaned back looking at me, and I love the f
act that he didn't just answer, he thought about things.
"I'm not going to say no, but I am going to ask again if you are ready for that. I mean we've just gotten good at the kissing." He chuckled a bit, "Not that I'm complaining about that part at all."
"Neither am I." I took a deep breath and looked at him. "Yes, please stay."
Chris gave me another long considering look. "Okay. I will admit I did bring an overnight bag, just to in case."
"Good." I let it drop. I helped him clean up and was surprised to realize it was already 8:30. "What time do you need to get up to get to work?"
He paused as he thought about it. "From here, probably need to leave at six to be at the job site by 7."
"Oh you building something?"
"Yep, two tiny houses for twin sisters. Should be interesting." He followed me into the bedroom and stood there leaning against the door. "You sure about this? I can't promise I won't cuddle."
I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I'm positive, and I hope you will. Cuddle that is." The guilt and conflicting frustration drove me more than I liked, but I wanted this man, and even more I really wanted to be held. Guilt ate at me. Pointing out that maybe I was using him and with a frustrated snort I slammed the door on those thoughts.
"What?"
"Huh?"
"You snorted and shook your head. What are you thinking?"
"That I'm probably using you," I admitted feeling like a cad.
The laughter that burst out of him took me off guard and I blinked up at him, confusion sweeping through me. He crossed over to me in two quick steps, a smile creasing his face.
"Heather, life is using people. The question is, do they want to be used?" Before I could process that he had pulled me to him, and his mouth whispered across mine. "And the answer is yes, I do." My mouth opened under his and I let my need, the fear and guilt Julia had dredged up, I let it all go and kissed Chris. His hands didn't move from where they were, one wrapped around my waist the other the back of my head. It felt so good to be held to be kissed, and I responded with enthusiasm.
I don't know how long we stood there, but we only pulled apart when I fell off balance. I had tried to wrap my leg around his and the leg in the cast let me know it wasn't impressed. He pulled back, steadying me, both breathing hard, and him obviously aroused.
Chris cleared his throat, though the smile still creased the edges of his mouth and eyes. "I'm going to go get ready for bed." But he didn't release me instantly, instead looking at me and smiling before his hands unwound from my waist and he stepped back, grabbing his bag and disappearing into the bathroom. I leaned against the bed, hot and dizzy from that attention.
You're crazy.
I know. And I'm kinda okay with that. I'm not dead and we are both grownups.
With a smile, feeling a bit sexy, a bit scared, and a lot nervous, I dug in my nightgown drawer. Usually I just slept in a t-shirt, but I needed a bit more. A few minutes digging came up with some sleeping shorts, and a sleep tank with a built in bra. They were clean and in a nice blue color.
This'll work.
I hobbled about the house, locking doors and getting ready for sleep, grabbing water and my phone. When I got back, Chris was sitting on the bed, looking awkward in a way that made my heart melt.
"I didn't know what side would be best for you."
"Oh." I cleared my suddenly clogged throat. Usually I sleep next to the alarm clock. "I pointed towards it. "Still have one, don't always want the phone in here."
"Okay." He stood up and moved over to the other side, pulling back the covers.
I didn't watch him, I was too nervous. I headed to the bathroom, changing and brushing my teeth - just in case. With a deep breath, aware of the amount of skin I was exposing, I walked out of the bathroom into the harsh over head lights in the bedroom. I had put in true daylight bulbs years ago, it made it easier to make sure everything matched, but now I wished I had gone for something more flattering, softer.
Chris looked up as I walked out, and he looked at my face first, wincing slightly as his eye traced over the livid hand print, but then his mouth softened and he sat up a bit straighter as his eyes traveled down my body.
"You're gorgeous."
I choked out a laugh, looking down at my bruised, unshaved, legs, my soft belly and breasts.
"I feel like I should question your eyesight, but thank you." I figured I was blushing from how hot my face felt, but I flipped on the bedside light, then shut off the overhead. Blessed concealing darkness blanketed the room, broken by the light from the nightstand lamp. I moved to the bed, crawling in awkwardly, the cast made it a bit of pain. I sat there looking at Chris, with no idea what to do. I couldn't even remember the first night I slept with John, him curled up next to me. It had just happened, a lifetime ago.
"You have an alarm set?"
"Yeah my phone. Should get me up in plenty of time as long as I can shower here."
"Of course." I fidgeted with the sheet not sure what to do next.
"You as nervous as I am?" His husky voice made me jump a bit as I turned towards him, glad for the shadows.
"Yeah. Stupid I know. We aren't even having sex tonight and I feel like a cat with its hackles raised."
"I feel like a seventeen year old, about to get lucky, and no idea what to do. So, how about a compromise?"
His voice gave me something to focus on, and I'd grab at anything if we could move forward.
"Go for it."
"Come here, lay down and just cuddle. When either of us is ready to sleep, we just roll over and sleep. Nothing else. Okay?" His voice had a hesitancy I wasn't used to hearing form him, and I realized he really was as nervous as he said.
"I can do that." It took a minute, my cast making things difficult, but I curled up in his arms, my head on his chest, and his heart beat sounded strong and loud in my ears. I think I let loose a little moan.
"You okay?"
"Yeah, I just realized how much I missed this." And it was true. Warm arms wrapped around me, the heartbeat in my ear, but the best part was being wanted. Knowing the man holding me wanted me. The insistent hardness under my knee told the truth.
"Me too." His voice was soft as his arms tightened around me. I fell asleep to the beat of another heart, and the cracks in mine started to heal.
9
I woke to the beeping of an alarm, and frowned as I tried to find it, it didn't sound like mine. Something was holding me down, something warm and heavy. Memory came flooding back and my eyes opened to see a softly snoring Chris with his arm wrapped around, his mouth open as he slept.
The expression on his face was one I decided I wanted to see change over the years. His kindness, his patience, his understanding had let him creep into my heart faster than I would have believed possible. I brushed a kiss on his cheek, the only part I could reach, he really did have me trapped.
"Chris, that's your alarm." My voice, thick with sleep, seemed to reach him where the alarm didn't.
"Hmm? Oh." He released me, and instantly I missed the warmth, the weight of his body on mine. He rolled over and fumbled with the phone finally managing to shut it off. Rather than getting up, he rolled right back over and gathered me in his arms, his nose nestled in my neck. "Morning."
His beard tickled my neck, but I didn't mind.
"Morning."
"Promise me a kiss before I leave?"
"Oh at least." I promised.
He kissed my neck, then with a groan pulled himself out of bed.
"Towels are in the closet, grab what you need."
A wave of a hand acknowledged that as he shut the door behind him. With energy I never felt in the morning, I jumped up and rushed to the kitchen. Okay hobbled as fast I could, to get coffee started. I never made breakfast for John, but we never got up at the same time outside of weekends, and then we usually ran errands. I wanted to do something special for Chris, so I whipped up a frittata and threw it in the oven. Making it shallow meant it would cook in abo
ut 15 minutes, just enough time.
Then I hit the spare bathroom and used mouthwash to rinse my mouth as well as I could and washed my face to get rid of the sleep marks. Then I went back to the kitchen to check on breakfast.
Checking to make sure the coffee was brewing I headed back to my bedroom to meet Chris coming out of the bathroom. He had paused at our wedding picture and looked at it an odd expression on his face.
I halted unsure. "Do you want me to take it down?"
"No." He turned to me a surprised look on his face. "Why would I?"
"I don't know. Heck, I don't know why you're still here, but I'm really glad you are."
Chris dropped his bag and walked over to me, pulling me flush against him. "Because, women worth having, women who love their husbands, women strong enough they don't need a man, those are the women worth fighting for. And trust me; you're one of those women."
His head lowered and his mouth captured me in a kiss before I could protest, not that I really wanted to. My arms wrapped around his body and held him tight. The kiss lasted eternity and was over too soon.
"I've got food and coffee going."
"Ooh, caffeine. Though I will admit you are the best wakeup call I've ever had."
My giggles slipped through my lips and I leaned into him. "You aren't too bad yourself."
I followed him into the kitchen, I really didn't need to get up for almost another two hours, but I didn't have any desire to crawl back in bed. I watched as he made me a cup of coffee then himself. We sipped in silence, letting the heat and caffeine hit us.
"So would you like me to come back tonight?"
My instant response was yes, but I stopped myself and though it over. "How about Friday? Maybe spend the weekend?" I offered, trying not to chew on my life.
"I'd like that. But I need to be back Sunday morning, Lana has to go get a dress for prom and senior pictures."
"How is the boyfriend thing going?" I asked, suddenly worried. I didn't want to pull him away if she was in danger.