“May it be beautiful
before me.
May it be beautiful
behind me.
May it be beautiful
All around me.
In beauty
It is finished;
In beauty
It is finished.”
He fell silent, watching me. Then he asked, “Do you understand?”
I wasn’t sure I did, not really. But then I thought of the green line of the cottonwoods along the line of the Verde River, and the way the pale golden grass waved in the summertime. I thought of the cool dark shapes of the pines surrounding Flagstaff, and the glint of snow on the San Francisco Peaks, and the way the lightning would flash against bruise-colored clouds in monsoon season. The warmth in Connor’s eyes, and the bright gilded fall of Sydney’s hair. Everything around me was beautiful, if I just stopped to truly look at it. That beauty was complete and perfect, and the thing that would anchor me here, in this life.
“I think so,” I said at last, and he gave me an approving nod.
“This is good. Then close your eyes, and let yourself merely be, here, on this couch. Think of who you are, and where you are. Think of the world surrounding you, and be one with it.”
Feeling more than a little self-conscious, I closed my eyes and folded my hands in my lap. At first I was acutely aware of Connor sitting on the couch a scant foot away from me, the hum of the evaporative cooler, the faint aromatic tinge to the air, something familiar. Sage, probably, as if they regularly smudged the house to keep it clear of unfriendly influences. A little farther off I sensed the presences of Lawrence and my father, both of them sitting quietly, their breathing calm, controlled. Maybe they were meditating along with me.
Something in me wanted to push beyond them, beyond the four walls of the cramped little house. It was as if I felt myself rising, seeing spread below me the small stucco structures the two men called home, the dilapidated garage, the equally shabby stable and small corral where a bored-looking pinto horse grazed. Even beyond that, and my eyes took in the sere golden undulations of the landscape, the dark gash a few miles off where the Little Colorado River gorge began, the cluster of deep green trees and buildings at the trading post.
Within me I felt a push to rise even higher, but somehow I knew now was not the time. It was enough that I’d been able to do this, to leave my physical self behind and take in the world through an eagle’s eyes. Now I needed to return to myself, and so I thought of me, of Angela, sitting there on the shabby couch in her new jeans that were already starting to feel too tight, in the sleeveless embroidered blouse, dark hair pulled back in a ponytail because of the heat, pink polish on her toes starting to chip. All that and so much more was myself, and so I slipped into my body the way I might slip into my oldest and softest beat-up sweatshirt on a cold winter’s night.
I opened my eyes, and saw Connor staring at me in wonder, and Lawrence and my father watching me with quiet approval on their faces. Oddly, I felt stiff and sore, as if I’d been sitting in one position for far longer than the five or so minutes I’d just spent in meditation.
“Very good,” said Lawrence, even as Connor shook his head and asked,
“Where did you go?”
“Go?” I repeated, putting one finger to my temple, where I felt a slight twinge. “Up — and out, I guess. It was weird. Definitely an out-of-body sort of thing. But I’ll have to work on staying in it longer next time.”
“Longer?” he demanded. “You were out of it for almost forty-five minutes!”
And then I noticed the iPad lying next to him, screen still showing the Kindle app. I had no recollection of him pulling out the device. Unbelieving, I stared at Connor for a few seconds, then transferred my gaze to Lawrence, who inclined his head slightly.
“This is true,” he said, not sounding surprised at all. “I was not sure that you would be able to make such a journey on your first try, but it seems you have a natural talent for this sort of travel. It is good. It will be easier for you when the time comes.”
“And you didn’t have any trouble getting back?” my father asked.
“No,” I said, recalling how I had seen myself clearly, down to the chipped polish on my toes. “It was easy, like slipping into an old comfy sweater or something.”
“That is kind of amazing,” he said. “When I first tried this sort of thing, I couldn’t manage that until I’d been doing it for several weeks. Good thing Lawrence was patient.”
“There was no rush. I knew you would work it out eventually.” Lawrence gestured toward my neglected glass of water. “But drink, because this sort of travel can be taxing on the body, even if you don’t feel it immediately.”
“There won’t any bad side effects, though, will there?” Connor asked, worry clear in his voice.
My father gave him an understanding smile. “Just a bit of dehydration. That’s all.”
I hadn’t noticed anything up until they mentioned it, but now I did feel extremely thirsty. Reaching over, I plucked the glass from where it sat on the scarred wooden tabletop and drained the contents in one long swallow. “I’m fine, Connor,” I said once I was finished. “Just thirsty. No big deal.”
“You say it was no big deal, but you were in basically a trance for almost an hour — ”
“Not a trance,” Lawrence cut in. “A deep meditation. It is important for Angela to learn how to follow where her spirit walks, to let it lead her back to herself. She seems to have a talent for it, which can only help her when she goes to seek Nizhoni.”
Connor still looked troubled, but he didn’t offer any further arguments.
“So what now?” I asked. “Should I try again?”
“No, once is enough for now. It isn’t good for you to over-tire yourself. You can come back on Thursday and try again, after giving yourself some time to rest.”
I knew that wasn’t going to work. Things had been hectic and crazy the past few days, but not so crazy that I’d forgotten my next appointment at the ob-gyn was on Thursday afternoon. I explained, and Lawrence said, “Then come on Friday. I would not ask you to miss such an important appointment.”
Relieved that he wasn’t going to push on that point, I said, “Is there anything else I should do between now and then?”
“You can meditate, as you have done here, but make sure to do it with Connor near you. That way, he can wake you from the meditation if for some reason you don’t find it as easy to return as you did today.”
“No worries,” Connor said. “I’ll be standing by, ready to stick a pin into her if necessary.”
I shot him a pained glance, but to my surprise, Lawrence chuckled slightly, not offended at all. “A pin would work,” he said, eyes twinkling, though his tone was serious. “But let’s hope it will not come to that.”
We got up from the couch then. I stumbled, feeling oddly lightheaded, and at once Connor reached out and took my hand to steady me. “You okay?” he murmured.
“I’m fine,” I told him. “Just sitting in one place for too long.”
“The dizziness will pass,” my father said. “But let Connor help you out to the car to be safe.”
That remark made Connor frown a little, although he didn’t say anything. I thanked Lawrence for helping me with the meditation, and gave my father a quick, awkward hug before Connor and I went out to the car and headed for home. All in all, I thought it had gone very well, strange dizziness or no, but I could tell Connor wasn’t feeling quite so optimistic.
“I’m not sure if I like it,” he told me, almost as soon as I shut the car door.
“I’m fine,” I said. “I was sitting motionless in one place for almost an hour. I don’t think it’s so strange that I felt a little lightheaded. It’s gone now.”
“You’re sure?”
“I’m positive.” And it was no more than truth. I did feel fine…now. Of course, I also knew that even if I didn’t feel fine, I’d still keep practicing the meditation. I needed to be
prepared.
After all, I really didn’t have a choice.
* * *
The doctor’s appointment went just fine, though, with Dr. Ruiz saying that everything was moving along right on schedule. The babies’ hearts were beating nice and strong, and I’d put on seven pounds, which relieved her somewhat. “Make sure you keep that up,” she told me. “Not that I want you to sit down and eat a pint of ice cream at a time, but don’t worry about having too many carbs or whatever.”
I could tell she thought I must have been someone who watched her weight pretty carefully, considering how slender I’d been when I got pregnant. Maybe my comment about having a fast metabolism hadn’t really sunk in. Anyway, I was relieved that at least I had begun to gain some weight, and everything else seemed fine, so that relieved some of my worry. Some.
They made my next appointment for June 30th, and Connor and I exchanged a significant glance. Either everything would be settled by then…or it wouldn’t. Hard to believe that the solstice was now only ten days away.
We didn’t go back to the house immediately, but rather headed over to the apartment. Connor’s cousin Mason was interested in taking it over, as the lease on her own loft downtown was about to end. She’d just been accepted into a master’s program at Northern Pines and preferred to stay in the downtown area if she could swing it, and Connor and I both thought she’d be a great tenant.
“At least you wouldn’t have to worry about her having blow-out frat parties here the way you might with some of your guy cousins,” I’d remarked upon hearing she was interested in the place, and Connor agreed.
“Yeah, some of my cousins would have a great time trashing this place…or at least they would if they weren’t worried about pissing off the primus,” he said. “But I’m going to be a big old sexist and say that I’d much rather have a woman renting the apartment, so if Mason thinks it’ll work for her, then it’s hers.”
Judging by the expression on her face as she looked the apartment over, I got the feeling she thought it would definitely “work for her.”
“And the timing is perfect, because my current lease will be up on July 1st, and I haven’t had any luck finding a place I like.”
“Great,” Connor said. “We’ve already gotten most of our stuff out of here, but we’ll make sure it’s cleared out, and I’ll have my cleaning crew come in to really get into the corners.”
“It’s perfect,” she replied, dark eyes shining as she looked around again. “So much nicer than where I am now.”
“And the rent’s okay?” he asked. He’d told me he felt funny charging anything at all, but I’d said he should ask for some kind of rent, even if doing so went against his familial instincts. Paying for something tended to make people take better care of it.
Mason laughed. “Are you kidding? You should be charging double what you’re asking, and you know it. Not that I’m going to argue,” she added hastily.
“No worries.” He glanced over at me, then said, “Since we’re here, I’m going to run next door and grab a few more supplies. Just give me a couple of minutes.”
“Sure,” I replied. Although he’d cleared out a lot of his stuff from the studio next door, there were always odds and ends left over. Since we were here anyway, it made sense for him to get what he could.
He went out, and Mason wandered into the kitchen, obviously eyeing the cupboard space. Then she let out a contented little sigh. “I cannot believe I’m lucky enough to get this place.”
“I’m glad it could all work out,” I said sincerely.
“Same for you two,” she said. “I was a little worried for a while there, but it looks like you’re all okay now.” She ended the comment on the slightest of questioning notes, as if she wanted to make sure.
“Definitely okay,” I told her with a smile, then lifted my left hand and flashed the diamond at her. “Actually, more than okay.”
“Oh, wow!” she exclaimed, and emerged from the kitchen so she could give me a hug. “Why haven’t you two announced it?”
“Well, things have been busy with the house and…everything,” I finished, waving one hand vaguely in the air. No one knew about our meetings with Lawrence and Andre, and I wanted to keep it that way. If I succeeded and the curse was broken, well, then we’d tell everyone what we’d been up to. But I didn’t see the point in getting everyone’s hopes up beforehand.
“I’m really happy for you,” Mason said, but then her smile wavered a bit, compelling me to ask,
“What is it?”
“Oh, nothing,” she replied. Then she bit her lip, glanced away from me, and added, “I’ve just been getting some flak from my parents. They don’t see the point in me getting my master’s degree when all I’m going to do is end up staying here in Flag and getting married eventually.”
She sounded so unimpressed by the prospect that I had to inquire, “You don’t want to get married someday?” To be honest, she hadn’t talked much about guys, but then again, when she and Carla and I had gotten together for coffee or whatever, the conversation hadn’t really veered in that direction. But maybe she was into girls.
“Oh, someday,” she said. “But Carla just got engaged — ”
“Did she? I didn’t hear about that.”
“Well, you and Connor have had other things going on, so that’s probably why Carla hasn’t said anything. And it’s not that I’m against the idea in principle, it’s just….” She sighed, shaking her head. “It’s one thing if you’re fated for one another or something interesting like that. But in my case it’s marrying some cousin I’ve known my whole life, which isn’t all that romantic, you know? Or finding a civilian I think’ll be open-minded enough to deal with marrying into a witch clan, which isn’t as easy as it sounds. So I figured if I stayed in school and got my master’s, it would put off the evil day for a few more years.”
“There’s no law that says you have to get married,” I said gently. “I mean, it’s not as if the Wilcox clan is going to die out if you decide to stay single.”
She let out a reluctant laugh. “True that. No, I don’t really like the idea of spending my life alone, but I also want to do something with it. That’s partly why I’m getting my master’s in education — I’d really like to go on the reservation and make a difference, assist in setting up new programs and things to help improve the situation there.”
“Wow,” I said, impressed. This was a side of Mason I hadn’t seen before. Then again, we’d never really had a chance to talk alone like this. Before, it had always been Carla and Mason and me, and when Carla was around, the conversation tended to be a lot more gossipy. “I think that sounds incredible.”
“I’m glad someone thinks so,” she responded, voice glum. Then she seemed to shake it off, adding, “At least my parents haven’t said I can’t get my master’s, or take this apartment. Yeah, I’m an adult, but you know how it is in a clan.”
Did I ever. I was still battling the weight of unmet expectations from the McAllisters. Some days it seemed as if I could feel their disapproval radiating all the way from Jerome. But I hadn’t really chosen this path, it had chosen me, and now all I could do was attempt to walk it as best I could.
“Well, if anyone tries to give you crap, just tell them the primus supports you fully in what you’re doing,” I said, just as Connor walked back in, carrying two overloaded Sprouts canvas shopping bags.
“What am I supporting?” he asked.
“Your cousin in going to school and getting her master’s and not marrying some random Wilcox cousin just because her parents expect it of her.”
“Oh,” he said, nodding in understanding, “I fully support that. If they give you any crap, tell ’em to come talk to me.”
She grinned, the shadows gone from her face. “I definitely will. Thanks for everything.”
We both murmured words to the effect that it was nothing, but I could tell Mason didn’t think it was nothing. She ducked out after that, telling Connor to be in
touch when he was ready to hand over the keys. After she was gone, he said, eyes glinting,
“It’s good to be the king.”
“‘King’?” I inquired, lifting an eyebrow. “Getting a little full of yourself, aren’t you, Mr. Primus?”
“Nah. I didn’t want to be primus, and, despite what Lawrence might say, I don’t really know how good I am at it, but if putting my stamp of approval on Mason’s college plans will get her parents to back off, I’m okay with swinging my dick around a little bit.”
“Hmm,” I said, and pursed my lips. “I say we go home so you can show me how this whole dick-swinging thing works.”
“Deal,” he replied immediately. “Let’s get out of here.”
“Oh, so now we’re in a hurry?”
“Damn straight. Too bad teleportation isn’t in my primus bag of tricks.”
“Nor mine,” I said with some regret. “So I guess we’ll just have to do this the old-fashioned way and drive.”
“Good thing the house is only fifteen minutes away.”
Laughing, we went out, Connor locking the door behind us. As he did so, I couldn’t help feeling a tiny bit sad. Yes, we had a new home to share, and I loved it already. But the apartment had felt like home for a while, too, and now we were handing it over to someone else.
I’d just have to hope she would be as happy there as Connor and I had been.
* * *
The days slipped by, seeming to move more quickly of their own accord, although I would have been more than happy to have them slow down, give me more time. I practiced my meditations at home, Connor at my side. He would hold my hand, and for some reason his touch would make it easier for me to use that strange power to lift myself out and away from my body.
I experienced the thrill of rising above myself, looking down at the dark pine trees from high above, seeing the smooth, narrow roads that twisted through the development, the sparkle of the manmade lakes at the country club. Each time it got a little easier, and I felt a little less drained as I returned to my body. Just three days before the solstice, we drove back out to the shabby little compound in Navajo territory, this time so Lawrence could show me the next step — how to cast my consciousness, now free from my body, into the world of the spirits.
Darkmoon (The Witches of Cleopatra Hill Book 3) Page 23