by Zuri Day
“Are you mad?”
“Why would I be mad?”
“Don’t ask me to try and explain your moods.”
She gave him a look. “No, I’m not mad.” Then she surprised him with a public kiss on the lips. “In fact, I’m glad you’re here.”
Doug nodded but was distracted by a stunning brunette walking over to the far table, where Nick Starr sat. “Are they around him like that every week?”
Jan turned in the direction Doug looked. “No, every week the group gets bigger. And so do the boobs. Grab us two seats at the bar if you can. I need to use the restroom. Be right back.”
When she returned, there was a ginger ale in front of Doug and a glass of chardonnay in front of the empty stool Jan took. “Thank you.”
“Your guy hooked us up.”
“You’ve already met Rome?” She met the friendly bartender’s eye. He smiled, nodded a hello, and kept on working.
“Yeah, cool dude. He had all kinds of praise for you. A little too much in my opinion. Might have to check him.”
“I thought we were just going to let it flow and see what happened?”
“And that’s exactly what I’ll be doing when he looks at you the wrong way and I punch him in the face. Showing you what’s happening.”
“Ha!”
He held up his ginger ale. They toasted.
“This is crazy!”
Jan nodded as she waved at one of the other contestants still in the hunt. “Yes, it’s pretty wild.”
“If this is show business, I want no part of it. I’m glad you’re who you are and can win on your talent. Not that you aren’t holding your own in that casual chic kind of way you told me you rolled, but you bring way more than physical attributes to the table.” She smiled but said nothing. “What, you don’t believe me?”
“I believe that the compliment is sincere, but I’m not totally convinced that it’s true.”
“What, you don’t think you look good?”
“Doug, I was probably in high school before anybody other than my mother called me pretty. I was teased, mostly about my weight, and put down by boys and girls. Boys didn’t ask if I wanted to be their girlfriend and later, in high school, didn’t ask me out. I was the sideline chick, which is almost worse than the side chick because at least the side chick gets positive attention sometimes even though she’s sharing. The sideline chick is invisible, watching other girls be admired and desired. So while I’ve worked hard to feel good about myself and see myself pretty, there is a part of me that will probably always be the little fat girl picked last at recess.”
“I can’t say that I know how you feel. . . .”
“What? You’ve never been a little fat girl?”
“Not a day in my life. But you know what I’ve observed?”
“What?”
“That the little girls who get picked on the most usually go the farthest.”
The MC walked back on the stage to announce the next contestant. Jan looked at Doug. “After this set is over, we’ll hopefully see this little fat girl go further in this competition.”
“I hope you do, but it doesn’t matter. You already have star power.”
When Starr took the stage and announced the night’s winner, Doug was even happier he’d come. Instead of Jan, the winner was the handsome, charismatic, and talented guy who’d performed, and only the second male so far who’d made the cut. His friend needed his support. At first he didn’t say anything, and neither did she. Didn’t have to. Everyone around her voiced their disapproval of Starr’s choice and their strong feelings that she deserved a spot.
In between people walking up to say she was their favorite, he leaned in, and whispered, “Don’t let it depress you, babe. Stay positive, okay?”
“I’m trying.”
From the bartender’s expression he was shocked, angry, and hurt for his friend. Suddenly, his expression changed. He walked over. “Jan, I think I know what’s going on.”
“You’re the only one. You and Starr.”
“That’s what I’m talking about. Starr knows he’s going to choose you and is just building up the hype. Look how people are reacting because they think he’s not going to choose you. Imagine how they’ll be when he does, and how many more will tune in to make sure that you win. I know it’s hard for you right now, but from a business perspective . . . that’s genius!”
Doug listened as attentively as Jan. Maybe not for the same reasons. He looked at her. “Babe, that does make sense.”
“If that’s true, why doesn’t he tell me?”
“Because he needs your authentic reaction. The people need to see your face drop like it did just now so they can come build you up. The world loves an underdog. You’ll be the last one he chooses. Watch.”
What her friend and supporter said made a lot of sense, making Jan’s steps a little lighter when she and Doug left a few minutes later. He could tell by the way she interacted with fans as they walked out, and even more so by how she openly flirted with him, which for Ms. Private was an uncommon move that Rome’s words had helped change her attitude. He walked her to her car, she drove him a block to his SUV, and as soon as they neared the highway onramp, he called her.
“You’re feeling better?”
“I’ve decided to look at this in a positive way. I haven’t been selected. But I haven’t been one of those cut either. I’m going to try and focus on that.”
“Good idea, baby. Attitude is everything. Instead of seeing each week as a fail, it can be viewed as a performance that’s brought you one week closer to your being on TV and getting that contract.”
“So you really think I can do it, huh? Get on Starr Power? And win it all?”
“Baby, stick with me and the sky is the limit.”
Normally Jan would have had a snappy comeback, or a put down. But it had felt good to talk with Doug, to feel his support and even hear his possessiveness. So instead of a comment, she suggested they meet at his house.
Because when it came to Doug and the sky being the limit . . . he just might be right.
25
The next day, Doug approached Jan at her locker. “Hey, you’re early.”
“Yeah, the errand I ran before work didn’t take as long as I thought it would.”
“Then can you walk with me to the store? I need to holler at you for a minute.”
Jan looked over and noticed Melissa staring at Doug’s mouth like she was counting teeth. Turning her back to her, Jan lowered her voice. “Don’t look, but Ms. Messy is reading your lips. Maybe you should just call.”
“Maybe you should stop being so concerned with what others think about you. We’re going to the store. I want a Coke and you want orange juice. Or maybe just exercise. What’s the big deal?”
“You’re right.” She reached for the purse she’d just placed in the locker. “Let’s go.”
She felt all eyes on them as they exited the building. “I can just about imagine what Melissa is saying right now.”
“She’s telling lies and spreading rumors. Why do you care?”
He reached for her hand. She jerked it back. “Stop.”
“Why? You weren’t acting like this last night.”
“I wasn’t at work last night.”
“As far as everyone’s concerned, we’re screwing anyway.”
“Well, now that makes me feel all better.”
He laughed and reached for her hand again. She swatted his hand away and sped up. He easily caught up with her. “I can think of worse things to be said about us than that we’re dating.”
“We’re not dating.”
“Okay. Effing, then.”
She gasped and punched him. “What? I can’t say making love because you obviously don’t love me. If you did, you wouldn’t feel the need to hide that we’re friends.”
“Is this what you wanted to talk to me about?”
“No, I talked to Cynthia this morning. She said she hadn’t heard from you about Lio
nel.”
“I thought you talked to him?”
“I did.”
“And?”
“He hadn’t decided whether or not he wanted to participate. Said he was going to talk to you about it and then honestly I forgot to ask you about his final decision.”
“I’ll talk to him tonight.”
“Cool, and then have him call me. The winter league starts in January and I believe they play Saturday afternoons.”
“Every Saturday?”
“I’m not sure.”
“I don’t know if I can commit to transporting him every week, especially on the days I have a show.”
“Don’t worry about it. Coach and I will work something out.”
They reached the corner where a group of rowdy teens were teasing each other, using foul language.
“Hey! Don’t y’all see that there’s a lady present?” He spoke firmly, but his voice held no malice.
The tall, skinny one nearest him answered, “So what?”
“So you should watch your language. It’s called respect, youngblood.”
“Man, I don’t have to listen to you. You ain’t my daddy!”
“No, I’m not. But I’m a man who cares about how you appear to the world. I want you to come off as smart and cool as you think you are. But not everybody is capable of pulling that off so”—he shrugged as the light changed and they started crossing the street—“forgive my thinking you were one of the strong ones. You look like one, though.”
“Are you crazy?” Jan muttered under her voice. “You don’t speak to teenagers these days. He could have had a gun and shot both of us!”
He looked at her, and solemnly replied, “The day I become afraid of the kids in my community is the day I move out.” He looked at her from the corner of his eye. “You need to stop being afraid of your coworkers.”
“I’m not afraid of anybody.”
“Good. So the next time you walk by me and I’m tempted to pinch that juicy booty it won’t be a problem.”
“You can try it. But I might pinch back.”
They returned to work. Melissa smirked at them but said nothing, partly because of the warning look in Doug’s eyes.
That night after work, Jan had barely left Doug in the parking lot before he was ringing her cell.
“Are you out of gas?” she joked.
“I don’t want to hide us.”
“Huh?”
“I don’t want to hide the fact that we’re seeing each other, or feel like I have to watch myself around you.”
“Doug, you knew when this started that I wanted it kept private.”
“We don’t always get what we want, and in those moments we have to figure out how to make that work to our advantage.”
“What brought on this change of position? I remember a guy who wasn’t going to date anybody he worked with.”
“Yeah, but you don’t remember a brother who was gonna hide it if that happened.”
She sighed and hit the brakes as she neared a stoplight.
“What are you afraid of?”
“I’m not. I just don’t like people—”
“In your business. Girl, people are going to think they’re in your business whether they actually are or not. So trying to keep them out of it is basically a waste of time.”
“In your opinion.”
“Yes, in my always right opinion.” The comment didn’t get the response he expected. It got none at all. “I know the problem. You feel some kind of way because of Melissa. If I hadn’t slept with anybody at the office, would you still feel so opposed to people knowing we’re together?”
“I don’t know. Probably.”
“Let me ask you something. How would you feel if I was going hard to keep you quiet, telling you I didn’t want anyone to know about us? I’ll tell you how you’d feel. Hurt. Angry and suspicious, thinking that since I was trying to hide you there must be other things I was trying to hide.”
“You think I’m trying to hide something?”
“Or someone.”
“You can’t be serious. You think I’m seeing someone else?”
“It’s not impossible.”
“Doug, that’s ridiculous and I’m going to act like you didn’t say it.”
“So if six months from now you decide we’ll go public and then I say no, let’s not, you’ll be okay.” Silence. “Hello?”
“I’m thinking.”
Several seconds went by. And then several more.
“Um, you want to call me back when you have an answer?”
Even with time to think about it, Jan wasn’t sure she’d have one. And remembering Pat’s earlier comment didn’t help. It made her position sound totally crazy.
Doug Carter? That’s a good man right there. If it were me, I’d be shouting it from the rooftops.
In that moment Jan decided that Pat was right. “No, you don’t need to call me back. I’ve thought about it and I guess I don’t care that everyone knows I turned you out.”
“Ha! I don’t care either. Because then they’ll also know it was some Carter love that put that big-ass smile on your face.”
“That’s what this is really about. You want bragging rights.”
“No, Jan Baker. I just want you.”
26
It had been a busy and fast week and by the end of it, Jan felt good about the progress she’d made. Band rehearsals for the holiday party were going well. The contract, one of the more lucrative they’d received, had already been faxed over and signed. Cynthia had also given her the Web site for the basketball program for disabled athletics, along with the director’s telephone number, information she’d passed on to Lionel. The end of the year was looking good, and only one thing would make it look better. Securing one of two spots left for Starr Power, Nick’s reality show. One part of her said there was no way she wouldn’t be one of those chosen. But the other part wasn’t so sure.
“Good afternoon, Jan.” Pat had been at lunch when Jan had arrived, and now joined her at the steadily busy counter. The holiday season had indeed arrived and with it all the residents within a five-mile radius, it seemed, mailing cards and packages to family and friends.
Jan handed a receipt and change to a customer. “Hello, Pat. How are you today?” She motioned for the next customer to come forward.
“Glad I’m on the downside of Friday.”
“Do you have plans for the weekend?”
“Just shopping for the Thanksgiving dinner. I like to go before the stores get totally crazy and the shelves become bare. What about you?”
“I’m performing at Breeze again and wanted to invite you.”
“On Friday, right?” Jan nodded. “I’d love to go, especially since I wasn’t able to make it last month. What are the times again?”
“First set starts at nine, the second one around eleven.”
“Ooh, eleven is almost past my bedtime. I’d definitely have to make the first show.” The conversation paused as both women waited on customers. “Thanks for inviting me,” she said when she’d finished the transaction. “I’m going to tell my daughter about it and see if she wants to come.”
“Are you married, Pat?”
“Yes, but Lee doesn’t do clubs, honey. He’s not just a couch potato, he’s a whole casserole.”
The afternoon passed quickly. Soon, it was time to lock the front doors and head to the back to help process the next day’s mail and set it up for the postmen’s delivery routes.
“There’s the superstar,” is how Melissa greeted her. “I saw where your band is at Breeze this weekend.”
“You’re on the mailing list?”
“Yep.” Melissa cleared her table and walked to her locker. She retrieved her purse and other personal items and stopped by Jan’s table. “Can I ask you a question?”
“You can ask,” Jan replied.
“Why are you here?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why are you working at a p
ost office? If I could sing the way you do, there’s no way I’d be caught at this boring job.”
“There are a lot of people who can sing.” Jan reached for another bundle of mail and placed it in the sorter.
“Yes, but not like you. I bet if you lost some weight—”
“Dang, Melissa!” said a coworker passing by.
“What? I’m not trying to be rude.”
Joey, who was also preparing to go home, chimed in. “It sounded pretty rude.”
“Look, superstars are skinny.” She turned back to Jan. “If you lost weight and did something to your hair, maybe a weave instead of that wig you wear, you’d look more like what record companies want. Am I right?”
Jan was too stunned for words.
“I didn’t mean to offend you. Are you offended?”
“Hell, I’m offended,” Joey said.
Logically, she knew Melissa’s words shouldn’t bother her but emotionally, they hurt. Jan had never understood why women who looked like Melissa felt the need to degrade anyone else. They already had the looks, the men, the popularity. What did she gain by being humiliating? She tried to hide it from Doug, but the comments affected her mood for the rest of the day. When he suggested chicken and waffles after work, she thought the idea perfect. Nothing could make a person feel better than some good old comfort food.
Rather than go in separate cars, Jan followed Doug home. He parked his motorcycle and got in her car. They shared small talk until they’d been seated at the restaurant, placed their orders, and the waitress had brought their drinks.
Doug eyed her intently as he sipped his ginger ale. “When are you going to tell me?”
“Tell you what?”
“About Melissa’s messy ass and what she said to you.”
“Oh, that. I wasn’t going to tell you and it looks like I don’t have to. Who opened their big mouth?”
“It don’t matter. Fact is, I know.”
“Don’t make a big deal of it, Doug. That only makes it worse.”
“I don’t care. She can’t talk to you like that and I not say anything.”
“I’m a big girl, okay. Let me handle my own battles.”
“Okay, but she’d better not be saying anything like that when I’m around.”
“What are you going to do, beat her up?”