by Calia Read
I nod and listen to him, but I keep glancing over at the entrance every few minutes, waiting for Macsen. And when Macsen does enter the room, I know I wouldn’t have to be looking at the doorway to know, I feel it in my bones. My body is filled with anticipation and happiness and fear—fear over how he’ll react. I stop listening to Sebastian and watch Macsen discreetly. He strolls past everyone with his eyes directed at his normal table.
If he would look up he would see me sitting with Sebastian but instead he just sits down and starts to unzip his bag. Melissa trails after him with quick steps and when she finally gets his attention, she turns and blocks Macsen’s view of where I’m sitting. I know the moment she starts to tell him he no longer has to tutor me. His back becomes tense and I watch as he stands up and leans close to talk to Melissa in a quick, heated tone.
I can’t hear anything from where I’m sitting, but when Melissa turns around and walks away, she looks at me with a murderous expression.
Quickly, I mouth, ‘Thank you.’ She shrugs her shoulders and goes back to her table.
My eyes stay on her table because I know that when I look back at Sebastian, I’ll have to look at Macsen first and I can feel his anger from here. Slowly, I shift my gaze and when my eyes connect with Macsen’s, I see him watching me with his palms flat on his table. I hold his stare long enough to see just how hurt and angry he is.
But I want to hear his suggestions ... what does he think we should do? I’m out of ideas.
With agile ease, he lifts himself away from the table and walks over to where I sit. I cut a glance at Melissa. She’s watching with her lips tightly drawn and I quickly look back at Sebastian pretending to listen to everything he’s saying.
Out of the corner of my eye I see Macsen moving closer and when I smell his clean scent I look down at my textbook.
I feel his hands curl around my chair and he leans down. My fingers grip the notebook in front of me tightly.
“Can I talk to you?” he asks deeply.
I lift my head and his nose brushes against my cheek. Heat spreads throughout my body with that one action. I give Sebastian an apologetic glance and turn in my seat. Macsen won’t shift back. His face is inches from mine. I can see all the fury and hurt in his green eyes.
“Hi,” I say stupidly.
His gaze turns icy. “Let’s talk.”
I lean my back against the table and shake my head. Macsen leans in even closer. My heart hammers in my chest because he won’t look away and his anger makes the intensity in his gaze all the more powerful.
“I’m okay where I am now,” I whisper.
Macsen grabs my bicep and quickly pulls me up. I jerk back in shock and his hold tightens. He looks at Sebastian with a dark smile. “I need to talk to her. We’ll be right back.”
Sebastian says nothing. He’s too busy staring at us.
I have to practically run to keep up with Macsen’s strides. He’s always calm and collected and I’m seeing a side of him that alarms me. I don’t know how to take him this way.
People give us curious looks as we walk up the stairs to the second floor. My feet instantly try to backtrack because this area holds memories of the two of us.
“You’re acting like an asshole,” I hiss to his back.
Macsen doesn’t break his stride but his hold on me loosens up. We stroll through aisles and aisles of books and I realize with a sinking feeling where he’s going. I can do nothing to stop it.
We go to the exact row of books where he once lifted me onto a bookshelf and kissed and loved me like he was starving for me.
I stare at the small aisle, refusing to go in. Macsen crowds me, forcing me to move forward into the small space. When I’m a few steps in, I turn back around and try to slide past Macsen because I don’t want to be in this tiny space with him. His hands land on my shoulders, preventing me from escaping. I expected cold glares from him when I switched tutors but I didn’t expect this much anger and it throws me off balance.
A deep shuddering breath escapes me as I look up at him and see his eyes filled with so much hurt. It makes me ache. I want to reach out and lay my head against his chest but I don’t know where we stand anymore.
The two of us stand there silently, and the longer we stand, the more Macsen starts to loosen up. His hands drift from my shoulders, and slowly his fingers touch the skin above my collarbone. He thoughtfully looks at me in the way I was used to. The urge to lean into his touch is powerful; I purposefully dig my fingernails into my palms to keep me alert.
“Can you let me go?”I whisper, but to my own ears, it sounds like a plea.
His arms don’t move an inch as he stares down at me with confusion. “What are you doing?”
I play stupid and look into his green eyes without blinking. “I’m here for math.”
“I can help you,” he emphasizes slowly.
“No, you can’t.” I push out of his grasp and back away, leaning against a shelf.
“Hell I can’t,” he growls and leans closer, “I’ve been tutoring you since September. Why change that?”
Looking over at him, I see the panic in his eyes and realize that maybe he’s hanging onto our tutoring sessions just as desperately as I am. My hands grip the bookshelf behind me. “I’m doing this because you want this!”
He instantly pushes away from the shelf and points between us. “I didn’t want this. You did this!”
My eyes slam shut and when I open them I see raw hurt etched into Macsen’s features. “I can’t pretend everything is okay,” I whisper. “You can, but I can’t do that.”
A muscle in his jaw flutters as he looks around the space. I know he’s thinking about the last time we were here. He has to be.
His eyes flit down to the ground before he looks back at me. “Us not being together doesn’t affect me helping you.”
I want to believe that, so much. But I know it’s not the truth. “Macsen, you told me that we shouldn’t talk. I think that affects the tutoring.” He opens his mouth and I interrupt him. “What do you want me to do?” I whisper with anguish in my voice.
He runs both hands down his face and shakes his head. “I don’t know.”
The urge to wrap my arms around his waist is so strong I have to lace my fingers tightly behind my back. “I’m trying to do the right thing,” I say softly.
Macsen rests his hands on his narrow waist and looks at me angrily. “And you think Sebastian is the right person to tutor you?”
“No, he’s not!” I admit before I sputter out more of the truth. “But things are messed up between us!”
“So you pull this?”
“I can’t win with you, Macsen! I’m doing this because I thought it would be the best for us!”
I’m trying so hard to do the right thing because I love him. I love him enough to take a step back when I really want to take two giant leaps into his arms and never let go.
He stares at me, saying nothing and takes a step back, putting his hands up in the air. “You want Sebastian to tutor you? Fine. Go ahead.”
Instantly, I step forward. “Why are you mad?” I cry out.
“Why wouldn’t I be, Emilia? I open up my fucking soul to you, and you blew it to pieces.”
My body is shaking. “How many times do I have to say sorry?”
He shrugs and backs away. “Go do the math with your new tutor and maybe you’ll find the right answer.”
Chapter Thirty-one
MACSEN
I’ve never played poker with Chris.
Sitting around the table with my brother and three of his friends, I understand why.
They’re all laughing and drinking around my kitchen table with cigars in their mouths while I sit here, thinking about Emilia.
Chris dangles a cigar between his fingers and looks at me. “You want one?”
I take a drink of my beer and shake my head. “Thanks but I like my lungs the way they are.”
“Remind me, why did I invite you to this?” Chri
s asks as he puffs on his cigar and blows smoke into my face.
My brother sits across from me and smirks as he looks down at his cards. “You invited him because we needed another guy,” Thayer says with a grin. “And because he really sucks.”
Tonight, I couldn’t focus on anything. I bet everything I had and now I was out for the rest of the game. Chris wouldn’t take a buy back and to quote him, “You pay to play.”
I think I could apply that term in other areas of my life. I paid when it came to Emilia. I took a gamble on her, thinking that my gut was right, that I had finally met someone that would always hold my attention.
But she knocked me off my fucking feet.
I should have been relieved that she had found someone else, but I wasn’t. The minute Melissa told me that Sebastian would be helping her all I wanted to do was pick up my chair and throw it at him.
There’s no doubt in my mind that he’s enjoying all the time with her. He liked Emilia before me, and he’ll like her after me. I’m not stupid. The little fuck is going to try to snatch her up.
But she’s mine in my head. Even knowing everything she has done to me, Emilia is still mine.
I’ve only watched him tutor her for one session and that was one session too many for me. Tonight I skipped out because if I sat back and watched them, I knew that I was bound to explode on Sebastian.
“Remy, my man,” Chris says with a cigar in his mouth. “I’m surprised you’re here. I thought me stealing your money last time would make you never want to play again.”
Remy is the point guard on the basketball team. I don’t know much about him, except that he’s the quietest of Thayer and Chris’s friends.
He lifts his middle finger in the air and looks down at his cards. “I wasn’t going to come, but Thayer conned me into it. Sebastian bailed at the last minute—we were supposed to hang out, but he had to tutor someone.”
Thayer looks over at me, and I shake my head in a warning. But Chris doesn’t see the warning. He tosses some poker chips into the middle of the table and grins. “Is that code for fucking a girl?”
Remy laughs. “Probably. Her name is Emilia and-”
My hands slam onto the table with a loud bang and I quickly get up from the table. “I have to get another beer,” I mutter.
I take deep breaths as I yank open the fridge and blindly grab another beer. The thought of Emilia with Sebastian makes me crazy.
I can’t really get away from Emilia. Even when I’m in my own fucking home, she still sneaks up on me. Snorting, I open up my beer and take a long drink before I turn and rest my elbows on the kitchen counter.
Out in the living room sits Severine. She has been silent the whole night, quietly watching all her stupid reality shows. But when she looks over at me, she gives me a sympathetic gaze that speaks more than words ever can.
Last year, at this time, Severine and I were in a relationship that was crumbling. I crushed her with my actions and now she gets to watch me being trampled by Emilia. It should be vindication for her, but she reacts in a way I never expected.
She looks almost sorry for me.
I think I’d rather have her laughing behind my back than giving me all these sad looks.
Walking back to the table, the conversation has turned to sports. The guys barely look at me as I sit back down and nurse my beer.
Thayer leans back in his chair and points his cigar at me. “What are you doing for your twenty-first?”
My birthday is this Sunday. I almost forgot about it. Lifting my shoulders, I shrug. “Nothing.”
“Nothing? Don’t overdo it,” Chris says dryly.
“Throw him a party,” Thayer says with a grin.
“I’ll see your birthday bash and raise you one strip club with naked bodies everywhere.”
My brother laughs into his beer, while I shake my head. “No strip club,” I tell Chris firmly.
Chris slaps me loudly on the shoulder. “Trust your roommate. You’ll forget about everything in seconds flat.”
The three of us know what everything means: Emilia. Shifting in my seat, I look over at Remy who is smiling a goofy grin, before I look over at Chris skeptically.
“Trust your roommate. Did you really just say that? You think you’re going to make millions off your idea to create an app that locates the nearest Girl Scout Troop selling cookies.”
“Oh, God,” Severine mutters from the couch.
Chris turns around to glare at her before he looks back at me. “I will make millions off my idea. And the first thing I’ll do with my millions is buy a strip club and name it Mac. It’ll be named after the poor asshole that was once my friend but isn’t because he doubted my idea.”
“You think all my problems will disappear with a lap dance?” I ask.
“You’re doubting the power of a strip club, that shows me that you really need to go,” Chris says and blows more smoke in my face.
“Next idea,” I call out.
“We’ll take you out,” Chris replies thoughtfully. “Find a few slutty chicks with whale tail and big, fake fun bags?”
My eyebrows lift over that one.
“Do not listen to him, Macsen!” Severine shouts from the couch.
“Hey,” Chris turns around and glares at Severine. “Private conversation.”
“Yeah, okay.” Severine hops up from the couch and walks over to the table, wrapping her arms around Thayer. She points at me and nudges her head in Chris’s direction. “Don’t listen to him. His little black book is a who’s who of sluts with the most STDs.”
“Cheapshot,” Chris mutters.
Severine gives him level stare. “It’s the truth.”
Chris wiggles his eyebrows at her and looks down at his cards.
She rolls her eyes and looks at me. “What I’m saying is that you don’t need to go and do something stupid that you’ll regret.”
“You’re talking to Macsen, Severine,” Thayer points out. “The guy is so straitlaced he makes the Amish look like party animals.”
I flip him the bird and frown at my beer. My brother’s right. I’m sitting here, trying to get drunk, trying to forget about Emilia. Clearly, I fucking suck at moving on.
“I should try to do something different,” I finally admit.
With a shout, Chris puts out his cigar and lifts his hands in the air. “That’s what I’m talking about!”
“Thayer … Macsen?” Severine grits out. “Can I talk to you guys … privately?”
My brother and I stare at each other across the table in confusion. I lay my cards down the same time as Thayer and reluctantly stand up.
When we’re all in my room, Severine shuts the door behind us and narrows her eyes at me. “What’s going on with you?”
Leaning against the wall, I frown. “Huh?”
“Thayer told me everything that happened in New York,” she confesses.
I’m not surprised. I shoot Thayer a glare and turn back to Severine. “Your point?”
“My point is that you don’t need to do something stupid. It’s clear you’re still in love with Emilia-”
Thayer and I stare at her like she’s grown two heads. I quickly speak up. “Who said I love her?”
“You don’t?” Severine challenges. She crosses her arms and lifts a black brow.
I’ve realized a lot of things in my time with Emilia; one of the biggest things is that Severine and I were nothing but a huge clusterfuck. My mistakes separated us early on, but I think our personalities would have done all the separating later on.
I avoid her question and start to pace the room. “We’re not together and if she can go fuck her new tutor then I can do whatever I want.”
Severine smiles slowly, as if she has everything figured out. “If you didn’t love her, you wouldn’t be going out of your mind with jealousy right now.”
“Wake up, Severine.” I tap my head with my finger. “Not everything is about love.”
She bristles and I smile. Severine
pulls the ugly out of me. Emilia pulls everything out of me, and finds it all good—even the ugly side.
“You should go talk to her,” Severine demands. There are never suggestions with her, always commands.
“And say what? I was nothing but revenge for her!”
“Are you really sure about that, Macsen? She’s still here! And I’m her roommate! I see everything and I’m telling you, she’s really torn up.”
I snort loudly. “Yeah, she’s really torn up.”
Severine shrugs and I know she’s getting ready to kill me with words. “You love her,” she says slowly. “You, Macsen Sloan, the guy who lets no one in, love her.”
A knock interrupts our conversation. We all turn and find Chris peeking his head in the doorway. “Hey. I don’t mean to bother you guys but … can you guys speak up? It’s really hard to hear what you all are saying in the hallway.”
“Get out of here!” Severine groans.
“Chris, how quick can you plan a party?” I ask.
He taps the door and points at me. “I can have fifty people here within the hour.”
That’s exactly what I need right now. I need a dose of Chris’s life. “We’re celebrating my birthday this weekend,” I announce firmly.
Severine shakes her head at me. Complete disappointment is in her eyes but my mind is already set. If Emilia can have fun, so can I.
“That’s what I want to hear!” Chris walks out of the room and shouts out, “I’m getting your motherfucking ass wasted, Macsen!”
Feeling cocky, I cross my arms and smile at Severine.
Chapter Thirty-two
EMILIA
“Stop reading it.”
I frown at the journal in front of me and quickly close it. “How do you know I’m reading it?” I ask Aniston.
He’s quiet for a second before he sighs over the phone. “Because you’re quiet again.”
“I just can’t stop reading it,” I confess. “How did we miss this?”
My fingers dig into my comforter as I fight the urge to open up the journal and read it once again. The longer Aniston’s quiet, the more tempted I am to reread Elizabeth’s thoughts.