by Calia Read
For the longest second, all that I can hear is the sound of our breathing. My arms give out and I relax my body, stretching like a cat. Macsen lies down next to me and drags me toward him until we’re chest to back.
“You feel so good,” he murmurs. “I love the way you feel.” His heart is pounding against my back but I barely feel it. It’s his words I feel the most.
He repeats his words over and over, until his heart rate slows and he starts to relax. Macsen sighs deeply and kisses my shoulder. “I’ve missed you,” he whispers. My eyes slam shut tightly.
I want him to miss me right now, tomorrow and every single day of his life. I want every day that he’s not around me to be the agony that I feel. But I know what he’s telling me isn’t for my ears. He’s spilling his thoughts out tonight. Tomorrow will be a different story.
He makes slow strokes up and down my arm as I stare blindly at the clock on Severine’s side of the room. I love being held in his arms, it makes me feel safe. He cures my stress and sadness, and all I feel is relief.
I would like to hope that everything between us is okay, but I can’t.
He loves me and needs me. But I don’t think Macsen realizes that.
Or maybe he does.
Maybe that’s why he’s fighting so hard.
Chapter Thirty-five
MACSEN
I stay in Emilia’s bed until the morning. Four times I try to get up and walk away. But she stirs and I take that as my excuse to stay.
At eight, the sun is fully up and shining into her room.
Emilia is gone to the world. She curls close to me, with her face practically buried in the pillow. She’s wearing my undershirt and I know underneath the sheets it hangs from her body. Her long hair is laid out on the pillow. With the sun shining onto her hair, some of her strands look golden and red. I’ve never seen it so bright. I waste the next thirty minutes just looking at her, and I finally pull myself away.
When I get dressed I look down at her torn green bra and her ripped up black sweater. Cringing, I pick them up and drape them over her chair. I go back to her, and treat her like she’s still mine and kiss her on the head.
I put on my sunglasses when I walk to my truck. It looks like a four-year-old parked it for me. The drive to my apartment is silent. I have a headache that pounds between my temples. It’s the only reminder that I got drunk last night. But no matter how wasted I was, I still remember everything I did with Emilia. I’m assaulted with images of the two of us. Parking the truck, I pull the keys out of the ignition and rest my head against the steering wheel. It was a good idea last night to go to her dorm room, but I know that I have made everything even more complicated between us.
I walk into my apartment and it’s completely trashed. I’m met with beer bottles, red cups and ashtrays everywhere. Empty bottles of Jim Beam, Vodka and Soju are on the counter and I cringe at how much of that I drank myself.
Everything is quiet and I walk slowly to the bathroom and turn on the water. I leave it on cold and immediately start to undress. My shirt drops to the floor, my jeans and boxers follow.
“Shit,” I hiss out when the cold water touches my skin. After a few minutes, I get used to the temperature and my body starts to slowly relax. I wash my body and hair. The whole time I think of Emilia.
I rest my head against the tiled wall and try to catch my breath because I want to go back to her. My eyes squeeze shut. I’m an asshole for leaving her without saying anything. Last night went too far. She drove me crazy when she danced with Sebastian, and in return, I did the same by showing up at her room, drunker than I’ve ever been.
But when she left the party, everything fizzled. The redhead that I was so anxious to use became annoying. And after that, anytime I thought of Emilia, I took a shot.
It was the world’s easiest game, and I was the champion.
Think of Emilia, take a shot. Think of Emilia, take a shot.
After my tenth shot, everything became dull. The edge was taken off, but Emilia was still on my mind.
I tried to kiss the nameless girl. I knew right then that I could have fucked her, but when she was inches away from my face, I lurched back from her like she was poison.
Whatever I did in those few seconds could change everything for Emilia and me. And pissed or not, I’ve made enough mistakes in my past to learn from them.
I got the hell out of there.
My dumb ass got into my truck completely drunk and I drove to Emilia’s dorm.
Everything went to hell after that. I’ve made it all worse now for myself because Emilia has crawled even further underneath my skin. She refuses to leave and I can’t get over her.
I get dressed and walk down the hall. Voices come from the kitchen. I stand in the kitchen doorway just as Chris slams his hand on the counter and groans. “What’s up, you fucking party animal?” he practically yells.
Ignoring him, I walk over to the kitchen island. “God, what’s the smell?”
Thayer shakes a McDonald’s bag. “We were hungry.”
“Why are you guys up so early?”
Chris tears off the wrapping of his Egg McMuffin and takes a big bite. “Thayer dragged my ass to the gym.”
Leaning against the counter, Thayer looks at me. “So where did you go last night?”
“Ashley was looking for you,” Chris says meaningfully.
I rub my forehead. “That’s the redhead?”
Thayer nods his head slowly. “Yep.”
“Fuck.” I drag my hands through my wet hair and sit down at the kitchen island.
“Did you go to Emilia’s?” my brother asks quietly.
My back becomes ridged. “Yes,” I reply with an edge.
Thayer digs through the McDonald’s bag and looks over at me with raised brows. “Even after your little fight in the parking lot?”
“Even after that.”
“I don’t know about anyone else, but I liked her little dance,” Chris comments with a smile.
Glancing over at him, I glare. “Shut up.”
Chris ignores me and rests his elbows on the counter. “Did you see her outfit, Thayer?”
Cautiously, Thayer nods his head and drinks from his water. “I did.”
“Don’t goad me, Chris,” I warn. That’s exactly what he’s doing. He knows it. I know it. But my foot still taps against the chair with anger. I am seconds away from shooting across the countertop and tackling him.
“I think Rapunzel should wear something like that every day. Her tits were-”
I can’t help it. My hand shoots out before I can think, and I grab Chris’s shirt, dragging him across the counter. “Why do you have to be such a dick?” I yell.
Chris laughs and shoves me back. “Guys who just fuck a girl never, never react like that. You weren’t just fucking her, dude.”
Sitting back in my chair, I take a deep breath. “Did I ask what you think?”
“Nope, but after last night, I figure you need to know what I think.”
“I really don’t.”
Chris shrugs and stuffs the last bit of his breakfast into his mouth. “Your loss. I had some heartfelt shit I wanted to say to you.”
I sit taller in my seat as Chris backs away and walks into the living room. Thayer resumes Chris’s spot and rests his palms against the counter. “What are you doing with her, though?”
I know where he’s going with this and I play stupid. “I got drunk and slept with her. That’s it.”
“That’s it?”
I repeat my words slowly. “That’s it.”
Thayer shakes his head and says nothing. And for some messed up reason, the possibility that I’ve disappointed Thayer makes me disappointed in myself.
“Do you remember what she did … not even a few weeks ago?”
“Yeah. I know that. But who hasn’t fucked up?”
A harsh laugh escapes my throat. “I think she did more than fuck up. She made a whole list of the people she wanted to bring down. I was
on that list!”
“She betrayed you, Macsen, I get it! But did you ever think that maybe you’re really pissed off because what she did reminds you of Mom?”
Anger boils in my chest and makes me slam my hands against the counter. “You don’t know what you’re talking about! You didn’t live with Laurena!”
“No, and thank God I didn’t. But you were stuck with her and now she’s fucked you up beyond belief.”
“Then don’t say that bullshit,” I tell him darkly. “The two of us had different childhoods.”
Thayer looks down at the floor, saying nothing.
I’m still trying to catch my breath. No matter how pissed I am at Emilia, I will never put her in the same category as Laurena. “Emilia isn’t like Mom,” I say vehemently.
“You’re right,” Thayer agrees. “She isn’t, because Mom will always think about herself. Emilia screwed up once and I think it will be the last.”
“When did you become a therapist?” I mutter.
“Between you and Mathias? Someone has to be.” He flattens the plastic water bottle with his hand and tosses it into the trash. “So you can sit here with Chris and me, or grow a pair and talk to her.”
“I’m not doing that right now.”
Thayer rolls his eyes. “Isn’t there some kind of stupid, girly quote that says, ‘If you love someone set them free, and if it’s meant to be they’ll come back to you’… or something like that?”
“Fuck that!” Chris yells. “If you set her free and she does come back to you, she’s going to be smelling like some guy’s cologne and too exhausted to walk.”
Thayer extends his hand to the living room. “Or that.”
He taps the counter once and walks away, leaving me to my own thoughts.
Laurena has manipulated and lied about mostly everything in my life. I never thought that I took anything I felt for my mom out on Emilia, but maybe I did.
Quickly, I shoot out of my chair.
“Where are you going?” Thayer asks from the couch.
“I need some air,” I mutter.
The door slams behind me and I just walk. I keep my gaze on the sidewalk and end up sitting on a park bench across from the local library.
I reach into my pocket. My phone stares back at me. I contemplate over whether this is a good idea or not. But I think it’s been a long time coming, and everything with Emilia has been a breaking point.
I press dial. It only rings twice before someone answers. “Hello?”
“Dad.”
“Macsen,” my dad says quickly. “How are you doing?”
That’s such a light question. But for me, it makes an impact because I can’t remember my mom ever asking me how I was. Not once.
I duck my head down and lower the bill of my cap. Suddenly, I’m embarrassed. “I’ve been better.”
“Thayer told me about last night…” I stay silent and he clears his throat. “Thayer’s been telling me a lot of things lately.”
Part of me wants to beat the shit of out Thayer. But there’s this other part of me that still feels eight and still wants any concern from my dad. “Last night was rough,” I admit.
“Who is this Emilia?”
“She’s a girl I was-” I quickly correct myself. “That I’ve been dating.” There wasn’t a past with Emilia and I. Last night proved just that.
“It seems serious,” Owen comments.
“It is,” I agree.
“So why is Thayer telling me you’re no longer with her?”
“I trusted her and she betrayed me,” I grit out.
“You can’t forgive?” he asks.
“I can,” I admit slowly and rub the back of my neck. “I just don’t know if two broken people can be together.”
Owen asks for the details and I tell him everything that has happened between Emilia and me. And when I finish, my dad is silent on the other end.
I clear my throat and ask the question that has been danglingbetween us for years. “Do you think about what I did?”
“No,” he answers quickly and firmly. “Because if I did, I would only feel anger and think about what I could have done.”
I swallow loudly. “I’m sorry,” I hurriedly say before I lose the nerve. I slouch on the bench and rest my head against the back of the bench. “I’m your son and I purposely hurt you.”
My dad releases a deep breath. It sounds shaky. “I have no anger toward you. You were a child, Macsen ... my child,” his voice cracks over the phone, “and your mom used you. How can I hate you for something your mom planted in your head to believe?”
“How could you not hate me?”
“The only two people that should be hated are your mom and I. She lied to you, and I never fought for you when I should have. You’re my son and I did nothing.”
Neither one of us says a word. The line is quiet. My dad clears his throat, “You still there?”
“I’m in shock,” I admit slowly.
My dad laughs sadly. “We did the most damage to you. We’ve made you paranoid over everything. But you have to move past that.”
I clench my jaw because his words hit a nerve.
“You have to find someone with a grip that never lets you go. Your mom watched me fall, and we never had a chance. If you think for a second that this Emilia wants the same thing you do, you need to chase that. Not a lot of people have what you do.”
“I understand,” I reply quickly.
“Do you really? Because I know you’re angry with her. But everything Emilia did, she did for her sister. Because of how much she loved her. People go to great lengths, sometimes crazy lengths, for the people they love. Your mom and I never showed you that.”
I release a shaky a breath and nod my head. The picture of Emilia and Elizabeth pops into my head. Just in that one captured memory I could see how much love Emilia had for her sister. And even though Elizabeth was gone, Emilia was still trying to protect her.
I was on Emilia’s list from a fucked-up misunderstanding. I’ll never forget the pain in her eyes when I told her Julian did it.
If I’m being completely honest, I remember every single moment with her. Even now, it’s impossible to skim through our memories together with bitterness because I need her.
I need Emilia to challenge me with that quiet voice of hers, to keep me interested with all those little quirks she has.
I need her because she gets me.
“You love her?”
My dad’s question brings me back to our conversation. I nod my head even though he can’t see me and smile faintly. “I do.”
“Don’t mess this up then.”
“I won’t,” I promise.
And it’s the truth. I have enough Sloan blood in me that when I promise something, it becomes a pledge. I won’t break this promise.
“Why don’t you come home for Christmas?” I say nothing and my dad keeps talking. “Mathias and Thayer are going be here. Grandma Lola will be here. Jayni is making a bunch of…”
He goes on and on about all the food that will be there and I can’t stop myself from smiling. Owen is making up for lost time, and I want the same thing.
When he stops talking, I speak up. “I think I can make it.”
The two of us make small talk. He asks me about working with Glenn, I ask about the farm and my grandparents. I even ask how my step-mom, Jayni, is. I tell him about my classes and even my tutoring.
We talk for two hours, until the low battery starts to flash on my screen. It’s the longest we’ve ever talked.
Things may never be one hundred percent between my dad and me, or even my step-mom, Jayni. But we’ve talked about the past, something that has never been done before.
And that’s a step closer to a resolution.
Repeatedly, I blink my eyes to keep the tears away. Guilt can be never-ending. It can fester in the soul and slowly tarnish your mind. But for the first time, I feel a sense of peace about my dad.
And I want a resolution with
Emilia. Not a truce that will leave us to be amicable toward each other. I want a resolution that allows us to be together. Without thinking about the past and all our fuck-ups.
I’m probably asking for the impossible, but maybe we can have something if we work hard enough.
I leave the park feeling the weight of my past fall off my shoulders and crash to the ground. I needed to clear the air with my dad for my own my mind, and more than that, I needed that talk with my dad to realize what I have with Emilia is real.
I know what I have to do.
~
EMILIA
I thought I’d be okay with Macsen leaving me. But as I look up at the ceiling of my room, with the presence of Macsen completely erased from my bed, I realize that I was lying to myself.
I’m not okay with it. Not at all. Each time I kiss him and touch him, I give him another piece of myself, and that makes walking away impossible.
It hurts more than I can imagine.
I think it hurts so much because I’ve only experienced the gentle side of Macsen after sex.
But now I just feel used, and more confused than anything. I don’t have it in me to treat sex as an activity, as a way to relieve stress. I wish I could feel that way. It would save me from the pain I’m having now.
I thought coming back here after everything came spiraling down in New York was a good idea, but maybe it wasn’t. Maybe there’s nothing left for us to salvage because I can’t look at him without wanting a future, and he can’t look at me without seeing my deceit.
Blindly, I reach for my phone on the nightstand. I pull up Aniston’s number. My finger is poised over the call button, but I can’t bring myself to call.
My family would be happy to have me back. I would be back home, where everything is familiar. It wouldn’t take me long to settle back in there.
I want to be here. It’s only been recently that I’ve struggled here, trying to live without him. I’m second-guessing my choice to stay because of Macsen and what I’m putting him through.
Maybe the best thing for both of us is space. We both need clarity and a breath of air, away from each other.
I press call and my heart feels like it’s blowing into tiny pieces.
Aniston answers and I tell him that I want to go home. He’s excited, he’s happy. I hear the smile in his voice. I wonder if he can feel the tears in my eyes.