by Zoe Matthews
After a few more minutes, Chase opened the stall and quickly cleaned up the dirty straw and spread new straw on the floor. He measured grain and added the small bucket of oats to her trough.
“We’d better get inside before it gets too much colder,” he told Hannah as he closed the stall door. Hannah sighed in disappointment and turned to follow him. She would come out again tomorrow when it was warmer and see if she could get the mare to trust her then.
When they entered the little cabin, Chase immediately got the fire going in the wood stove. After the large dinner they had eaten with Chase’s family, they had spent the entire afternoon together. They had eaten a small meal with Chase’s family before they left, so Hannah knew she wasn't expected to make them a meal now, but she put on a pot of water for tea.
She turned and almost ran right into Chase’s chest; he had been standing so close to her. She placed her hands on his chest to catch herself and found herself looking into his eyes. What she saw confused her and at the same time, thrilled her. He was looking into her eyes, and then at her lips. She knew he wanted to kiss her and she inadvertently leaned closer, suddenly wanting to feel his lips against her own. He gently gathered her closer to him and carefully kissed her. He pulled a short distance from her for a moment as if to give her time to push him away and when she didn’t, he kissed her again.
What were these feelings she was having towards Chase? A strange sensation swept over her, emotion filled her so completely she almost couldn’t breathe. She quickly stepped away from him. She could see the disappointment on Chase’s face, but he allowed her to move away.
“Chase?” she asked him, wondering what just happened.
“I guess you could say I am easily distracted by a pretty face,” he cleared his throat, using humor to let her know he wasn’t upset with her.
She smiled and for a moment she thought about inviting him to kiss her again, but Chase started to leave the room. “I have something I need to do before bedtime.” And then she was alone in the chilly kitchen.
****
Over the next few days, Hannah felt slightly uncomfortable around Chase. She wasn’t sure what to think about the emotions she was starting to feel for him and she continually pushed them away. She constantly felt tired and there were some days where it was all she could do to get the simple chores and meals completed. She couldn’t believe that pregnancy could make her so drained.
When Chase was home, he made sure she rested and did not over do. The day after the dinner with his family, he hitched the mare to the small buggy he had brought home from the livery and gave her some driving lessons. Hannah was looking forward to when Chase felt she could handle the mare well enough to go to town on her own. She was looking forward to the freedom she would have.
One evening, when Chase arrived home after a long work day, he handed her a package. Inside were many skeins of yarn of green, yellow, blue, and pink.
“You can use this yarn to start the blanket you wanted to knit,” Chase told her as she fingered the soft strands.
Hannah felt very overwhelmed that Chase had done such a thing. He had remembered that she had learned a new stitch and had provided her with the yarn to make the blanket she had talked about.
“Thank you,” Hannah told him sincerely. This gift he had given her meant more to her than the clothes he had purchased for her. She spent the evening working on the blanket, picturing what it would look like wrapped around a new little baby.
A few days later, she was so tired that Chase insisted she sit while he did the evening dishes. Hannah tried to argue with him, but she felt so fatigued, she finally sat at the table and watched him do her work. She knew his concern was valid, but she promised herself she would make sure she got enough rest that night so she would be able to get all of her work done tomorrow.
They spent a quiet evening together. Chase read a chapter of a book out loud to her while she continued to knit the blanket.
****
“Why don’t you go to bed early?” Chase suggested. He felt very concerned about how tired she seemed. He had asked Lucy about it and she had told him it was normal to be very tired on some days when a woman is pregnant.
He felt even more concern when Hannah nodded her agreement and quietly left the room. He heard her movements in their bedroom as she readied herself for bed. He knew she had climbed into bed when he heard the creaks of the bed as she settled herself for the night.
He tried to focus on his book, but soon set it aside, and started to think of “the kiss.” That was how he thought of it, in quotes. He had been thrilled when she had allowed him to hold her close and even more thrilled when he could tell she wanted him to kiss her. A woman always had a certain look on her face when she desired a man, even though she might not be aware of it.
It had started to snow again, and he could hear the wind blow against the snug cabin. He finally decided to go to bed himself and walked into the dark room. When his eyes had adjusted to the dark, he could see her sleeping form. She looked cold to him since she shivered a few times under the covers, so he pulled out an extra blanket and draped it over her.
He knew the deep concern he felt for her was slowly turning into the first seeds of love, and try as he might, he couldn’t stop himself from these feelings. He knew she didn’t want his love and she had been pretty adamant about it.
He tugged off his boots and readied himself for bed, and then slipped in beside her. In her sleep, Hannah snuggled closer to his warmth, and he welcomed her in his arms. As he laid there with her sleeping in his arms, he made an instant decision. Maybe she wouldn’t let herself love him, but something had happened between them a few nights ago during “the kiss.” It made him think that there was something between them, something she wasn’t ready to recognize yet. He would continue to show her that he cared and if that meant he was developing a love for her, then so be it.
Chapter 9
Hannah woke feeling as if something wasn’t quite right. She laid in the dark and realized that Chase’s arms were around her. She carefully eased herself away from him and he rolled over onto his side in his sleep.
What was wrong? Was it time to get up already? Then she felt a sharp cramp, a deep ache that spread across her belly. She noticed that she felt wet around her legs. She reached her hand down to investigate and then the sharp cramp came again, causing her to cry out in pain.
Her cry woke Chase. “Is something wrong?” he asked groggily.
The cramp was so hard, Hannah couldn’t speak, but could only cry out again. Chase quickly lit a lamp and pushed the blankets back. What she saw caused tears to fill her eyes. There was lots of blood. She was losing the baby.
“I need to get you to the doctor.” Chase quickly pulled on some pants and his boots while Hannah shivered in the middle of their bed.
“I’m so sorry, Chase,” she sobbed, her tears falling onto her pillow. “Something is wrong with the baby.” Then pain streaked through her again, making it hard to breathe.
“Come on, I’m taking you to the doctor.” He scooped her up, blankets and all, and started to run toward the barn.
“It’s too late,” Hannah cried, but Chase continued to the barn, doing his best to keep her out of the cold wind. She buried her face in his shoulder as she held onto him. Then suddenly, everything went black.
****
Chase sat next to Hannah in the doctor’s office waiting for her to wake up and he was discovering that waiting was agony. He was grateful he had been able to get her to the doctor in time. She had lost the baby, but the doctor had been able to stop the bleeding. He told Chase that, while Hannah would have a long recovery since she had lost a lot of blood, there was no reason for her not to get pregnant again.
If he hadn’t made it in time, if anything had happened to her, he couldn’t bear to think of it. He now knew he loved her like he had never loved another, and couldn’t bear to think that he might have lost her.
The doctor’s wife came into the
room and checked Hannah. “She seems to be resting quietly now,” the woman whispered. She handed Chase a cup of hot coffee. “You can go home now if you want. She will be fine here.”
Chase accepted the cup of coffee as he shook his head. He wasn’t going to go anywhere until he could take her home. The woman accepted his decision and quietly left the room.
Was this his fault? He had done everything he could to keep her from doing too much. Was it because he allowed her to milk Betsy at her insistence? He knew she had spent the entire day polishing all the wood furniture in the house a few days ago. Was that what caused this? He had been angry with her for the first time when he found out what she had spent her day doing. Didn’t she understand that he was trying to take care of her? However, she was determined to fulfill her part of the bargain, that she was a strong worker and would be a good wife to him. He had asked the doctor what he thought, but the doctor just shook his head.
“These things happen, son,” he had told Chase in his gruff voice. “Some women carry their babies to term and some don’t. I don’t think anything causes miscarriages to happen. It just does. There is no point blaming yourself.”
As the sun slowly started to light the room with its morning glow, Hannah started to stir and a strong love for her ran through him. He promised himself he would do everything he could to teach her that love mattered, that his love for her was real.
****
“Chase?” Hannah whispered as she turned her head to look at him. “Where am I? What happened?”
“We are at the doctor’s, honey,” Chase grasped her hand in his own. He wondered if she would remember what happened and started to tell her when her face scrunched up in a sob.
“I’m so sorry I lost our baby,” her voice broke as she cried.
“You don’t have to apologize. This wasn’t your fault.” Chase wanted to gather her into his arms, but knew all he could do was hold her hand.
“I know you wanted this child. It was why you married me. I let you down.”
“I can’t lie to you. I did want this child. I was looking forward to being a pa, but what happened was not your fault.”
However, Hannah knew she had disappointed him. Would he still want her now that she wasn’t carrying a child? She could feel his grief and anguish over the loss. There was nothing she could do to make this up to him.
“All that matters right now is that you rest and get better,” Chase’s voice broke through her thoughts. She nodded and closed her eyes as if to sleep.
Chase took her home later that day. He carefully carried her to the waiting buggy with Apache hitched to the front. He treated her so cautiously, as if she was made of glass, and a need for him swept through her, but she pushed the feelings away. She couldn’t need him, reach out for him. Not now. Not after what she had lost, the baby he had wanted so badly that he had married her for it.
Once they arrived at the cabin and Chase had settled her in a clean bed, he left to take care of the chores. Hannah had learned he had closed the livery for a few days so he could care for her. He also arranged for Ruth to come and help during the day.
During the next few days, she refused to talk to anyone. All she could think about was the loss of the baby. Everything had been going so well and then this had happened. She needed to remember that good things never lasted for her. She should have remembered that and prepared herself. She knew better.
Chase had made her believe in the good things of life. He was kind to her and had lured her into thinking she was finally safe, that the hard times were over. And then the worst thing happened. She lost her baby and her husband all in one night.
After the second day, Lucy had come to spend the day and convinced Chase that it might be best that he go ahead and open the livery. “She just needs time,” Hannah heard his sister tell him. Hannah felt a sense of relief when she no longer heard his boots pacing on the wood floor of the cabin. When she heard him leave on Apache, she let herself sleep.
Chapter 10
Chase opened the large double doors of his blacksmith business and got things ready for the day. It seemed he was doing everything in slow motion. The hardest thing he ever had to do was to leave Hannah behind in Lucy’s care, but he knew he couldn’t do anything for her. She hadn’t talked to him since the conversation at the doctor’s. She wouldn’t look at him and turned away whenever he entered the room. He had spent the last two nights sleeping on the sofa because he wanted to give her space, but also because he felt she didn’t want him around.
He had put away the baby blanket that had been sitting on the window seat in the living room, right where Hannah had left it. Maybe when she was able to get out of bed, if it wasn’t in her sight, she would accept the loss of the baby better.
He felt that their marriage was at a turning point. The closeness that they had begun to share was no longer there. It wasn't strong enough to endure a loss like this. He had a terrible fear that he was going to lose her too. In fact, he wondered if he already had.
****
Three weeks after the loss of the baby, Hannah waited in her bed until she heard Chase leave for the livery. For the first time, she was totally alone. Up until this morning, Lucy, Ruth, or Nellie had spent the day with her while Chase was at work. Since she had lost so much blood, and she had been very weak, it was taking her a long time to recover. She was grateful for the help she had received from Chase’s family, but she was glad she finally had some time to herself without someone hovering and giving her unwanted advice and help.
She carefully got out of bed and dressed for the day. She felt weak, but she was stronger than she was the day before. She brewed some tea and enjoyed a cup at the kitchen table, along with a piece of bread and jam. Then she knew what she needed to do.
She went into the bedroom and bent to pull out the bag with her old clothes in it from under the bed. She carefully changed out of the dress Chase had bought her and put on the faded patched one. She made sure that only the clothes that she had brought with her were in the bag.
She knew that if she asked Chase if he wanted her to stay, he would tell her yes, because that was the kind of man he was. He would never turn her out, turn her away. However, she knew he had married her because he wanted to be a father, and now that was no longer an option. She needed to leave.
She didn’t know where she would go. Maybe she would be able to find a job in a city nearby. She could take care of herself. She didn’t need a man to take care of her.
She stepped out of the cabin and set the bag down on the porch. She would go to the barn and hitch up the mare. Even though she hadn’t driven the horse and buggy by herself, or hitched it up by herself for that matter, she thought she could do it since she had watched Chase very carefully. She would drive the mare and buggy to the nearest city and then make arrangements to have them returned to Chase. But when she got to the barn, the mare wasn’t there. Did Chase take her away?
She left the barn, looked around, and then saw the horse in a nearby fenced field. Hannah watched the mare for a few minutes. The horse seemed to be enjoying the freedom of being out in the spring sunshine because she was running along the fence, nickering a few times. When the horse saw her, she slowed to a stop. Hannah leaned against the fence and held her hand out, not expecting the horse to come to her, yet she thought she would try anyway. The horse stood still watching her for a while, and then something unexpected happened. The mare’s brown eyes looked at her as if asking her a question. She then slowly started to take one step, and then another, until she was standing just out of reach of Hannah’s outstretched hand. The mare was poised as if ready to run away at the slightest movement, but her eyes seemed to tell Hannah that she wanted to trust her.
“I would have named you Sunbeam,” Hannah whispered to the horse. “I think we could have been friends.”
Then the mare did something that Hannah never thought she’d see. The horse walked right up to her and placed her nose into her hand. She was telling Han
nah that she trusted her. Hannah raised her other hand and started to pet the side of her face. The horse didn’t move away. After all that Sunbeam had been through, she was allowing herself to trust again.
Something changed in Hannah’s heart. If an abused horse could give life a chance again, shouldn’t she be able to?
“I thought the mare would enjoy some time in the sunshine and to stretch her legs.”
Hannah was startled at the words and turned around. Chase was standing a few feet away, looking at her with a sad smile.
“Her name is Sunbeam.” They were the only words she could think to say to him. They both stood and looked at each other for a few moments. “I thought you had left for the day.”
“I came back. I wanted to check on you since this was the first day on your own. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
Hannah watched as his eyes went to the porch where the bag was sitting with her old clothes in it, her old life. She watched as his eyes saddened and she thought she could see a film of tears and devastation form on his face.
Suddenly, she would have given anything to be in his arms. She knew without words what he was telling her, that he loved her, and that he desperately did not want her to leave.
“I have just one question and I would like you to think about it, deep down inside, before you answer. Do you really want to leave?” he asked her.
“Don’t you think it will be for the best? The baby is gone.” Hannah looked at the ground, not wanting to see the emotions that were on his face.
“It’s true that I wanted the baby and I am sad it will no longer be born, but I didn’t marry you just for the baby. You are the wife I want. I want you.”
She thought of his question that he asked her to think about. Did she really want to leave? She suddenly knew the answer. No, she did not. She wanted to stay and be Chase’s wife. She wanted to live her life in this little cabin he had built with his own hands. She wanted to enjoy the peace and quiet of this life he had provided for her.