‘I understand why you did it.’
‘Well, you have your revenge in any case. Your enemies are dead and you can move on.’
‘I want that very much,’ he said.
‘So you mean to return to the whale road.’
‘No, I mean to rebuild the steading in Vingulmark, the one that Steingrim and his men burned down.’
Now that he’d voiced the decision he knew it was the right one, and that it came from a place deep inside him.
‘I see.’
‘There has been enough killing and destruction. I thought it might be good to build something for a change.’
She smiled faintly. ‘It would be a novelty, at any rate.’
‘That it would.’ He returned the smile. ‘I was hoping you might help me there.’
‘Help you how?’
‘Come with me, Astrid.’
For a moment she had the uncanny sense of history repeating itself. She wanted to say yes, wanted it so much that it hurt, but if she did that nothing would change. Having found the courage, to leave she couldn’t weaken now and allow the old pattern to be re-established. She wasn’t just fighting for her own future any more.
‘I know I behaved badly but things will be different from now on,’ he continued. ‘I’ll make it up to you, I swear it.’
‘If I come with you things will have to be different,’ she replied, ‘because I won’t be your mistress any more, Leif. I need more than that, for my child as well as for myself.’
‘I have already said I’ll acknowledge the child.’ His gaze locked with hers. ‘I want you with me, Astrid. I need you with me, but...’
‘But not badly enough.’ She shook her head. ‘Any woman can warm your bed at night.’
‘I don’t want just any woman. I want you, damn it.’
‘There’s only one way that’s going to happen now.’
A muscle jumped in his cheek. ‘I won’t have my arm twisted over this.’
‘Nor would I wish to do so. I hoped that your feelings for me were as strong as mine for you, but they’re not.’
‘In ten years I have not felt this strongly about anyone, but what you’re asking isn’t possible. Not yet.’ He hesitated. ‘Let’s wait and see what happens once the child is born. Perhaps after that we might talk about this again.’
Astrid shook her head. ‘Perhaps? And perhaps not too.’
‘It’s the only undertaking I can give.’
‘What undertaking? It commits you to nothing.’
‘This isn’t fair, Astrid. You know my reasons.’
‘Yes, I know them, and I know you hide behind them as well.’
‘What?’
‘They provide you with a convenient way of avoiding commitment.’
‘That isn’t true.’
‘It is true. You may be brave on the battlefield, my lord, but when it comes to facing your demons you’re a total coward.’
Leif’s face went white. ‘That’s enough.’
‘Have I struck a nerve?’
‘A nerve? Your tongue lets blood.’
Her gaze never wavered. ‘If you really want to move on stop using the past as a shield.’
‘I have never done so.’
‘You’ve done nothing else. The hurt won’t heal because you won’t let it. It has turned your heart into a cold and unresponsive thing and you’ve allowed it to happen because you lack the courage to offer it again. Thora’s poison works on you still.’
He froze, every muscle taut, and for the space of several heartbeats he was silent. Then, with an effort, he controlled his voice.
‘For the last time, Astrid, are you coming with me or not?’
‘No.’
‘So be it. I’m done with this. I was a fool to have come here at all.’ His gaze burned into hers. ‘Rest assured, I won’t come running after you again.’
With that he turned on his heel and strode away, flinging the door wide. He didn’t look back. Astrid remained where she was, her gaze following his departing figure, her heart leaden in her breast. She had lost him, and her hopes of happiness were ashes.
* * *
As Leif marched towards the outer doorway, the guards took one look at his savage expression and got out of his way. In fact he didn’t even see them, oblivious to everything but rage and the words echoing in his head. There were many kinds of revenge, but a woman’s cut deepest. He’d expected the conversation to be difficult but he’d underestimated her completely. Astrid had always been skilled at finding an opening for her knife, unfailingly locating the place that could be exploited and cause the greatest hurt. And it had hurt. More than he could ever have anticipated.
He stalked out of the building into the courtyard beyond and paused awhile in the fresh air, pacing to and fro while he tried to order his thoughts. He was sorely tempted to go back and fetch the contrary little witch, and take her to Vingulmark by force. Once he had her there he’d damned well ensure she didn’t leave again. Astrid is not a thrall. She’s a free woman and she goes where she will. His jaw clenched. Much as it irked him, he knew Ingrid had spoken the truth. He had no right to compel Astrid to go anywhere against her will. Nor could he compel her to share his bed. The very thought of a pretended passion was abhorrent. It was better to end it now than to have that happen. Any woman can warm your bed. He let out a long breath. He knew which woman he wanted, but the price was just too high.
* * *
Ragnhild took one look at her friend’s desolate expression and guessed the rest. ‘I’m so sorry, Astrid. When he returned I was convinced...’
‘So was I, my lady. At least I hoped.’ Astrid made an empty gesture with her hands. ‘But all hope there is at an end.’
‘Men can be such fools at times.’
‘I was a fool to think he would marry again. The damage has gone too deep with him.’
‘He has just thrown away his chance of mending it.’
Astrid made no reply. Just then she felt too numb even to cry. Even the enormity of her predicament receded in the face of present loss. Likely she would never see Leif again, or if she did they would meet as distant strangers. In the meantime, she had no idea what she was going to do next.
Realising that her friend needed a little time alone, the queen withdrew. As the door closed behind her the silence settled around Astrid like a shroud. She had never felt so empty or so alone in her life. It was hard even to think, but she had to think, for the sake of her child if nothing else. No matter what happened it would be loved and wanted by one of its parents at least.
* * *
‘Leif Egilsson! What in the name of the All-Father are you doing back here?’
Leif turned to see Halfdan striding towards him and with a concerted effort recovered his poise enough to bow. ‘My lord.’
‘I thought you’d left for Agder.’
‘I did,’ replied Leif, ‘only I discovered that there was unfinished business here.’
The king smiled. ‘Ah, Lady Astrid.’
‘Yes, Lady Astrid.’ Was everyone involved in the conspiracy to keep her hidden?
‘I trust everything has been concluded to your satisfaction.’
‘It is concluded, my lord, though it does not afford me any satisfaction.’
Halfdan’s smile faded. ‘I’m sorry to hear that. I thought the two of you had an understanding.’
‘So did I, but it seems not.’
‘But she’s carrying your child, is she not?’
‘She is. I shall acknowledge it and provide for it too when the time comes, but all else is at an end between us. She has made that quite clear.’
‘She’s refused to marry you? That’s crazy.’
Leif frowned. ‘I... No, she didn’t refuse. It’s marriage she wants but...’
‘But what?’
‘I cannot offer her that.’
‘Why not?’
‘It’s complicated, my lord.’
‘How is it complicated?’ demanded Halfdan. ‘La
dy Astrid is no common trollop. Her birth is as good as yours and she’s fair to boot. She is more than fit to be your wife.’
‘I do not dispute her breeding or her qualities.’
‘Then why in the name of the gods will you not marry her as you should?’
‘I have my reasons. She knows what they are.’
The king’s gaze grew cool. ‘Up until this moment I had always believed you to be a man of honour, Jarl Leif, but this is shameful. I will not have the lady treated in this manner.’
‘It was never my intention to treat her ill.’
‘Well, what do you think this is? Must she bear disgrace because you will not live up to your responsibilities?’
Had it been any other man his teeth would have been halfway down his throat. As it was, Leif contained his anger. ‘I said I had my reasons.’
‘Perhaps you’d care to explain them to me.’
The words were quietly spoken but Leif knew better than to think they implied a choice. His gut tightened as he mentally sought for the composure with which to frame his reply. Then, drawing a deep breath, he furnished the king with a succinct and factual explanation. However, the words sounded strangely distant, as though they had been spoken about someone else. Of course, he had been someone else back then.
Halfdan heard him out in silence, and although his gaze never wavered, it lost some of its former coldness. ‘It’s time to move on, Leif. You’ve got a chance to make a fresh start, but you’re using the past as an excuse not to.’
It was an uncanny echo of what Astrid had said before and he frowned. The king continued to regard him keenly.
‘If you will not marry Lady Astrid, I’ll find her another husband. It won’t be hard to do.’
Leif frowned. ‘Astrid belongs to me.’
‘Then you’d better claim her and soon, or someone else will.’
With that Halfdan walked away, leaving him alone. Leif remained where he was for a moment or two then made his way back to the outer gate, deep in thought. If the king found a husband for Astrid she would be lost for good, and the baby too. The realisation was accompanied by a sharp spasm in his stomach. Halfdan’s reaction didn’t help matters either. He’d been a shield brother and a friend, one whose good opinion Leif had valued highly. The thought of forfeiting that regard was bitter indeed. What made it worse was that, deep inside, he knew his friend’s anger to be justified. Astrid was all he had said and more. She was worthy to be his wife and yet...
He left the royal compound and paused, looking around. He had no desire for company just then so instead of going back to the ship to join his men he turned off the road and, having found a convenient rock, sat down awhile. Events this day had left him feeling shaken, as though he had lost all sense of himself. Thora’s poison works on you still. The accusation cut deep and suddenly all the foulness of the past burst to the surface like pus from an infected wound. Leif stared at it in disgust. Yet he couldn’t disown it: he’d carried it with him these past ten years. In part it had shaped who he’d become and found expression in blood and fire and war—and in revenge. Revenge in which guilty and innocent alike had been punished.
Astrid had always been innocent. She had spoken the truth and he had refused to listen. You won’t listen because you don’t want to. He closed his eyes but it only brought his mistreatment of her into sharper focus and he was sickened. Fortunately she’d had the courage and the will to rise above it and to fight on her own terms. He might have possessed her body but in the end she had conquered by taking possession of his heart. It was a victory he had feared to acknowledge. When it comes to facing your demons you’re a total coward. She had spoken the truth about that too. He had been cowardly, so much so that he had been about to throw away everything that really mattered. Now he just had to hope that self-knowledge hadn’t come too late.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Leif strode back to the palace and retraced his steps to the small audience chamber where he’d spoken to Ragnhild and Astrid before. It was empty so he kept on going. Startled servants regarded him in astonishment. One bolder than the rest attempted to protest. Leif ignored that too.
‘Where is Lady Astrid?’
‘These are private quarters, my lord. You cannot just—’ The sentence ended on a yelp as Leif grabbed the front of his tunic and dragged him closer.
‘Where is she?’
The man gulped and pointed to a doorway at the end of the passage. ‘Y-yonder, my lord.’
Leif shoved him aside and strode on, oblivious to the babble of voices in his wake. When he reached the door he paused long enough to take a deep breath and then flung it wide.
Astrid was standing by the window but turned quickly. Then her heart missed a beat and she smiled tremulously. ‘Leif. What are you...?’
That was all she had time to say before he crossed the room and drew her into his arms for a long and passionate kiss. When they eventually paused for air he drew back a little, his gaze searching her face.
‘I’m so sorry, Astrid. Can you ever forgive me?’
‘You came back.’
‘I came to my senses. I love you, lady. I always have—only I was too afraid to admit it, even to myself.’
A lump formed in her throat. ‘Do you mean that?’
‘Yes, I mean it. I should have told you long ago.’ He hesitated. ‘It’s not the only thing I’ve been afraid to admit. When first you told me that you were with child I was terrified.’
‘I know.’
‘That why I said those things about terminating the pregnancy. I thank all the gods that you didn’t.’
‘I could never have done such a thing. I want this child, Leif.’
‘So do I, with all my heart, but...’ He took a deep breath. ‘I couldn’t bear it if I lost you as well.’
‘You’re not going to lose me.’
‘If I had a fraction of your courage my fame would be great indeed.’
‘It is great enough already.’
‘And yet in some things I am a coward.’ He sighed. ‘Could you ever love such a man?’
‘I do love you, Leif. I thought you knew that.’
‘I’ve been such an almighty fool but I will make it up to you if you’ll let me. Will you do me the honour of becoming my wife?’
His image blurred through the water welling in her eyes. ‘Willingly, my lord.’
There followed another lingering kiss.
From outside the sound of footsteps and voices grew louder. Two armed guards halted on the threshold with half-a-dozen servants hovering in the background. As they took in the scene beyond, the guards exchanged glances and then grinned broadly.
‘What is the meaning of this?’ demanded a voice behind them.
The men’s grins disappeared and they sprang to attention as the crowd parted to let the queen through. When she saw what they were staring at she stopped in her tracks and for a moment or two there was a pregnant silence. Ragnhild smiled. Then she waved all the onlookers away and quietly closed the door.
* * *
Leif and Astrid were married the following day. As there hadn’t been time to make a new gown for the occasion, the queen had lent her one, a beautiful creation in violet and gold that suited her colouring and enhanced the colour of her eyes. Even now she found it hard to believe that what she’d most wanted had come about. Oddly it was she who stumbled over the words and he who spoke with firm, clear assurance. When he sealed their agreement with a kiss it drew a roar of approval from the crowded hall. Astrid’s cheeks turned a deep shade of pink.
The king smiled. ‘Long life and happiness to you both.’
Ragnhild added her congratulations and then other well-wishers crowded round. Astrid was scarce aware of what she said or did, for her whole being was attuned only to Leif. It seemed to her that he had never looked so handsome. The black-and-gold tunic enhanced every line of his powerful frame and acted a foil for the mane of gold hair. It had grown out considerably over the past months. M
ore than ever he reminded her of a lion—no longer predatory, only virile and dangerously exciting. It seemed that she was not alone in thinking so, to judge from the female attention directed his way. Astrid smiled, her heart full with the knowledge that he was hers.
Leif smiled too. ‘Happy?’
‘Most happy, my lord. More than I ever dreamed possible.’
‘I will try my best to be a good husband.’
‘And I to be a good wife.’
‘Goodness comes more naturally to you,’ he replied. ‘You are an improving influence.’
‘I seriously doubt it. Besides, I would not seek to change you in any way.’
‘And yet you have, whether you know it or not.’ He let his hands rest lightly on her waist. ‘There is no going back now and nor would I wish to.’
‘There’s too much to look forward to.’ She kissed him softly.
The blue-grey eyes gleamed. ‘Have a care, wife, lest I forget all recent improvement and give rein to my desire.’
‘Such a lapse would be truly shocking—if it occurred in public.’
‘Hmm. I can see it’s going to have to wait until I get you alone.’
‘Are you planning a seduction, my lord?’
He grinned. ‘That’s one way of putting it, I suppose.’
The thought of being alone with him filled her with eager anticipation, but first there were social obligations to fulfil since a feast had been prepared in their honour. However, laughter came easily now and they relaxed into the conviviality all around them, letting themselves be borne along on the current. None of those present could miss the glow of happiness emanating from the newly wed pair.
* * *
The eating and drinking went on for several hours until the company was in various stages of intoxication. Leif had deliberately limited his intake of mead and ale so that while he was pleasantly mellow he was very far from being drunk. All around the jests grew bawdier. He smiled and looked at his bride, letting his mind move ahead a little. Mentally he began to strip away her clothing. The result was a rush of heat to his loins. Desire increased. He set down his cup and rose from the table, drawing Astrid with him. Then he picked her up and carried her from the hall to the accompaniment of cheers and raucous laughter and the resounding din of fists and cups pounding on wood.
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