“No,” I say. “As messed up as this entire thing is, I feel whole again for the first time in a long time. I have everything, right here in this hospital.”
Mia nods. I shift Li, sticking the jacket I’d found in my car to cover my blood stained shirt under her head. “I need to see my son. Will you stay with her?” I haven’t seen him since last night, before I knew he was mine. Now I need him to know that I’m there.
With one last look down at her, I walk to my son’s door and stand there even after it swishes open. I take in every single thing I can about this moment. My love, out there sleeping. My son, lying here fighting for his life. I stare at the monitors that show he’s still alive. I have no idea if he can hear me or not, but I know that there are some things I need to say.
“Carter.” I step up to his bed and look at the things I didn’t see last night. His blonde hair, so much more like mine than Li’s. The structure of his face, so much like my side of the family. Even his body looks a lot like mine when I was eighteen. He’s my son. How could I have missed this in all the photos I’d seen of him?
He doesn’t move, not that I expect him to. He’s in a medically induced coma and will remain like that for a few more days. The fact that his brain is involved scares me shitless. I want to touch him, but I’m afraid. “We made you,” I say, not trying to stop the flow of tears that runs out of my eyes and down my face. “You’re mine. And Li’s. God, I love your mom so much. I always have. It was my fault that I walked away from her. But I would’ve never walked away had I known, Carter. I’ve always wanted to be a dad. The problem was, I only wanted to be a dad to her kids. We had this plan, see? Have three or four kids and go to the beach every year, just like we did as kids. After all of that fell apart, I couldn’t imagine making that dream with anyone else. I never knew, Carter. I just found out. You don’t even know yet. I can only hope and pray that you realize how loved you are. So you have to get better, buddy. I want to hear all about what your hopes and dreams are. Because you know what? I’ve had the same dreams since before I was your age, so I know dreams can be lifelong ones. All I ever wanted to do was have my own mechanic garage and marry your mom. I got part of that, but now I’m going to get it all. I’m not letting her go. Not this time.
When you wake up, you’re going to be confused. A lot is going to be different for you. But even if you hate me at first, or if you decide you want nothing to do with me, I’ll still be here. Because I’m your dad…” My voice cracks, and I hear the door whoosh behind me. That’s when Li’s hands sneak around my waist and I feel her press against me. Her chest is shuddering, just like mine.
“He’s ours,” she says, moving around me after a moment. She turns her tear stained face up to mine, and I can’t stop it. I crush my lips to hers, hoping to reassure her that I’m here for all of this. Despite how hard it all is going to be.
“He’s ours,” I repeat. “I’m so sorry, Li. I wasn’t thinking. I just wanted Ronan to be honest, once and for all.”
“I know,” she says. “I need to know the truth. I just—there’s something wrong with me.”
“No.” I cup her face in my hands. “There’s nothing wrong with you. This was his problem, not yours.”
“Why did this have to happen to us? We missed out on everything.”
“We aren’t going to miss out on a single thing ever again,” I promise. I turn back to our son and place my hand over his. She follows, and we stand there, the three of us connected for the first time in our lives.
MY PHONE VIBRATES in my pocket. I know it’s my parents, since their flight landed about an hour ago. Blake and I have been in Carter’s room for the last several hours. He’d wanted me to tell him as many stories about Carter as I could. It was painful, but necessary to share the parts of his son that he’d never gotten to know. Thankfully I have an app on my phone that has pictures saved all the way from the time Carter was a newborn, so I’d gotten to share his life with him through pictures. Amazing the things that we’re able to do now with just a handheld device. I was able to give Blake an insight into his son while sitting in an ICU room next to him.
The doctor had been in and said that Carter’s numbers were stable. The pressure on his brain is good, so the waiting game continues. We have to wait at least two more days before they can try to wake him up. After that, the rest is up to Carter to decide how much to fight. I’m terrified. I can’t imagine sitting here with Carter and having to tell him that Ronan isn’t his father. Carter knows absolutely nothing about Blake, and now I’m going to have to tell him that his mother slept with two guys that summer. Yeah, great. Just what a parent wants to have to admit to their adult son. Carter’s a good kid with a great head on his shoulders, but this is going to devastate him. We know this because we’re still dealing with the atomic bomb like affects ourselves, and we’re adults. I already wonder how long it’s going to take him to recover physically. The doctor already said he could have long lasting mental effects from the accident. What if he doesn’t remember us? What if he doesn’t know who he is?
My breathing is becoming shallow again, and I start taking deep breaths in and out. I can’t have another panic attack. I feel like I’m out of control, and that’s a feeling I don’t like. “My parents are here,” I say, reading the text message. Blake and I look at each other without saying a word.
“Are you okay, Li? Really okay?” He never misses anything in regards to me, and every time he does this I realize just how much I’ve been ignored my entire adult life.
“Not really,” I admit. “I’m scared shitless. I’m worried. At any moment I feel like what else is going to happen? I’m afraid that this all is going to be too much for us to take, Blake. I keep getting this feeling come over me, like something is sitting on top of me and I can’t move it. I know it’s irrational and I try to talk myself out of it, but I can’t.”
“Li, let me tell you something,” he says, moving over to where I’m sitting. He crouches down so he’s looking directly into my eyes. “This boy here,” he looks over at Carter, and his voice breaks. “And you, you’re my entire life now. I’m not going anywhere. No matter how hard it gets or what the repercussions are from his accident. I’ve missed out on everything for his whole life, but I’m not going to miss out on anything ever again. I know you’re scared because you aren’t used to someone who sticks by you when things are good and when they aren’t. I promise here and now, with our son here in the room with us, that I’m in this for the long haul. So your worry doesn’t ever have to be about me. Not ever again.”
I feel like all I do around Blake is cry, but he evokes so much emotion in me that I just can’t make it stop. “Thank you. Just please promise me that if things get hard and you’re struggling, you turn to me. We need to rely on each other.”
“Done,” he says, lifting up so he can kiss me.
“Why don’t you call them and ask them to come,” I suggest when we pull apart. He knows what I’m talking about without me having to say. “Brooke, Bri, and Bennett, too. They need to meet their grandson and their nephew.”
“I can’t believe it,” he whispers, looking back at Carter. “I gave them their first grandson after all.” I wonder if the feeling of guilt will ever go away when he talks about Carter. I hope it does.
“Yes you did,” I say. “They’re going to be so happy.”
“Should I tell them over the phone, or wait?”
“Well, they’ll wonder why you want them to come here, right? So I think you’ll have to tell them on the phone. As hard as that is, because it’s definitely news you want to say in person. They won’t understand the urgency of coming here if you don’t tell them. So first, you’re going to have to tell them about us.”
“Will you call them with me?”
“Of course. Let’s call them after we get through my parents,” I laugh at the irony of us being afraid to talk to our parents. We’ve been adults for a long time now. “Come on. They’re meeting us outside the ICU.�
� I take Blake’s hand and we walk in silence out of Carter’s room, both of us looking back at him before leaving. Blake might’ve only known he was Carter’s father for a few hours now, but he’s already a parent.
The second we walk out, I see my parents. I take a step forward to run to them when Beth steps into my line of sight. I gasp, flinging my arms around her as tightly as I can. We both sob, holding on to each other for dear life. She said she couldn’t come! I want to say so much to her, but I can’t make anything come out of my mouth. She came for me.
“Lia,” she murmurs into my hair. “Oh sweetie. I had to find a way to get here. I couldn’t let you do this without me. How’s Carter?” She pulls back, gripping my hands in hers. It’s then that her eyes connect behind me, and shock crosses her face. I’m sure all of them are startled to see him walking out of the ICU with me, but they’ll understand very soon. “Blake. It’s been a long time.”
He steps forward and embraces us both. “Thank you so much for coming, Beth. It means so much to both of us.”
“Carter is stable, but not awake yet,” I answer.
My mom steps up behind us, wrapping her arms around me. I can’t believe in the excitement of seeing Beth that I’d forgotten they were standing there. She starts sobbing, just as I expected, which then makes me sob. I’d just seen them a few months ago for Carter’s graduation, but she hates living away from us and always has. It’s not until my Dad says Blake’s name that my mom pulls back from me and looks at him, then back at me.
“What’s going on?”
“Mom, Dad, I have a lot to tell you. Can we sit for a few minutes before I take you in to see Carter?”
“Blake,” my mom wraps her arms around him. “It’s great to see you. I’m very confused, but I know you’ll both tell us what is happening. Where’s Ronan?”
We both sigh, but don’t answer. They’ll understand it all in just moments. They know that Ronan and I are getting divorced, but there’s so much more than the last time I filled them in. “Okay, are you ready for this?”
My dad takes hold of my mom’s hand in anticipation. “First, Carter is stable but critical. He’s in a medically induced coma for the next two days at least. They’re keeping his body cool to give his brain time to recover. But he’s young and has made it through the first day without any setbacks, so that’s a good sign. He may have some long term effects, or he may not. For now, we pray and hope that he’s able to wake up and function like he did before.”
“I’m so glad to hear that,” my mom says. “We were sick with worry.” My dad nods, still waiting for us to continue. I can tell by the way he’s sitting that he knows something huge is about to be dropped in his lap. I’ve always wondered if my dad really liked Ronan at all, but he’d never say.
“There’s a whole lot to the story, but there are two things you need to know right now. One, Blake and I are together and plan to be for good. We’ll fill you in on the details of that later. Two, Carter isn’t Ronan’s. He knew for years, but we just found out last night.” My mom gasps, and my dad stands, his fists clenched.
My dad looks down at Blake’s hands. “You’ve got to be kidding me. How can this be? I don’t understand. So this would be what happened to your hands?”
“Yes, sir,” Blake said. “Let’s just say I was angry to find out. Out of all the ways Ronan deceived us, this was the worst.”
“Oh, my God,” my mom says, tears in her eyes. She looks at Blake. “Carter’s been yours all along?”
Blake nods, and I know he’s fighting the emotion that threatens to overtake him every time that’s brought up. “Yes. We only found out because they needed to give him a blood transfusion. Who knows when Ronan would’ve told us otherwise.”
“The doctor told me that I’d conceived in July,” I explain. “So I believed him. But since it was the 90’s and I was at a university clinic, I guess there was some room there for error. I remember when Carter was born that they commented he was rather small for full term, but I never really thought much about it. Now of course it all makes sense.”
“How long has Ronan known?”
“Fourteen years. Remember back when I wanted another child and we went to the doctor?” I see Blake close his eyes, and I squeeze his hand and mouth ‘sorry’. It must be so hard for him to hear about what I’d done in my life with Ronan. My parents nod. “Well, apparently the doctor told him he has some sort of genetic disorder that also affects his dad, but he has it worse.”
“Why didn’t he tell you?” My mom is openly sobbing, her mascara running down her face. I understand how she feels, because I was there just last night. I wonder absently where Mia is, and remind myself to text her when they go in to see Carter.
“There are so many things he never told me,” I explain, putting my hand on Blake’s neck. He opens his eyes and smiles at me, and all is right in my world. Well, almost. If only Carter would open his eyes and smile at me, too. I wonder if he has the same smile as his dad and I just never noticed.
We spend the next several minutes explaining as much as we can about the rest of the things Ronan did to deceive us, then we let them go in to see their grandson.
“It’s time,” I say once they go into the ICU. Blake looks at me and then pulls out his phone. He holds onto my hand as it rings. When his dad answers, I listen as he makes small talk with him. Blake’s dad is so different from Ronan’s. I’d never felt, even through us living together for several years, that my father in law was approachable. The only one in his family I actually enjoyed being around had been his grandmother, but they’d sent her off to live in a nursing home back in Kentucky years ago. I still write to her, but she’s in the late stages of dementia and no longer knows us.
Blake looks at me. “Is Mom around? There’s something I want to talk to both of you about.”
“Yeah, let me get her. Everything okay, son?”
“It will be,” Blake answers. Because no, nothing is okay, but together we’ll manage it.
“Okay, Mom’s here. You’re on speaker.”
Blake winks at me. “I have someone here that wants to say hi.”
“Hi Aunt Cathy and Uncle Phil.” I hear Cathy gasp. As far as I’m concerned, they’ll no longer be my ‘aunt’ and ‘uncle’, because I plan to be part of their family for good.
“Li,” she breathes out. “Oh, my god. I need to know how in the world you two are together. Did you go to Sanibel this year? Wait, that was a while ago now. You must explain.”
“It’s great to hear your voice, young lady,” Phil says, and I can almost feel his warm arms around me. He’d always given me the greatest bear hugs.
“Please tell me this is good news,” Cathy says.
“Well, are you both sitting down? Because you might want to.”
“You’re scaring me, son.”
He takes a deep breath. He knows what he’s about to say changes the trajectory of their lives forever. “Well first of all, Li is currently in the process of getting divorced. Yes, we saw each other at Sanibel and we’ve been together ever since. But that’s not the part you need to sit down for. Mom, Dad, Li’s son is mine.”
The speakerphone doesn’t hide the sobbing coming from both of them, and I turn to Blake and bury my head in the crook of his neck. “We just found out last night,” he continues. “Because Carter was in a bad accident. Li’s soon to be ex-husband finally came clean and told us all the ways he tried to keep us apart for all these years. The worst of course being that he knew Carter wasn’t his for a long time. We want you to come here if you can and bring Brooke, Bri, and Bennett. Carter’s your family. We didn’t want to tell you this over the phone, but we want you to come here and be with us. Please.”
“Of course,” his mom says. “Li, I’m so sorry all this happened to you. Is Carter going to be okay?”
“He’s critical but stable,” I explain, sniffling back tears. “I can’t wait for you to meet him.”
“I’m so glad you’re together,” Cathy sa
ys. “Blake’s needed you for a long time. If I had to guess, you’ve needed him, too. That’s the thing about soul mates. You can try to keep them apart, but they’ll always find each other in the end. Blake, are you handling this okay?”
He and I both know what she’s asking. “Mom, I have the love of my life with her hand in mine and a son I never knew I had. Am I upset over it? Yes. But I’m choosing to look forward and live my life the way I should’ve all along. We’re choosing not to focus on what we’ve lost, but what we have still to look forward to.”
“That’s great, honey. For the first time in a really long time, you sound great. Despite all that you’ve gone through, I know the two of you will come out of this on top. Please keep us updated on any progress he makes before we can get there. Phil’s already looking at flights, and I’ll call Brooke, Bri, and Bennett. It might be harder for them, but I know they’ll make every effort. Phil,” she says, her voice breaking. “We have another grandson, honey. Li, can you send me some pictures?”
“Of course. Blake will give me the number to send them to, and I’ll text you some of his graduation and when I took him to college.”
“Does he look like you?” I look at Blake, wondering again how I didn’t notice this. I guess I was too busy being blinded by Ronan to pay attention. All along I’d thought he just resembled my side of the family more.
“He looks like his Dad,” I say, squeezing Blake’s hand. “Handsome, but most importantly, kind hearted and loving.” Blake disconnects the call after they promise to find out as quickly as possible when they can arrive. I text a few pictures to their number, and Blake and I sit in silence, both of us processing what just happened. Our families know now. This is real.
My parents walk back into the room, both of them looking haggard. My mom’s been crying, and my dad has her hand tightly in his. I know she’s trying to be strong for me, but the second she sees me, she loses control. She falls into my arms and we clutch onto each other, both of us coming to terms with everything that has happened here. She still doesn’t know all of it.
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