“She was really loud,” Avery said.
Nikki shrugged. “Well, if you’re going to put on a show, you’ve got to commit.”
“I can’t believe I missed it.”
“Some of it’s recorded for posterity,” Avery said.
Except that wasn’t the same; we all knew it.
Eventually we moved on to talking about other things, but I couldn’t get their laughter out of my head. They hadn’t even told me about this stuff until now. Just because I’d been busy didn’t mean I didn’t want details.
“Hey.” Grace tossed a piece of popcorn at me. “You okay?”
“Of course.”
But she knew what I was thinking. She always did.
“There’s going to be more dances and nights out,” she assured me, “and you’re going to be a part of all of them. Oooh!” Grace clapped her hands together. “I have to Venmo Crystal money. Did you do it yet?”
“Your volleyball thing?” Terri asked.
Grace nodded.
The season was nearing its end, and the whole team was going up to Crystal’s lake house for the weekend as one last bonding experience before the finals. Everyone was pitching in for food, gas, and even matching T-shirts. They were leaving after practice tomorrow.
Grace was still waiting for me to answer.
She was not going to like what I had to say. “I was going to tell you: I’m not going to go. I let Crystal know.”
Her whole face fell, and everyone was watching us now. “Why?” she asked.
“It’s a lot of money, and I’m not really on the team.”
“What are you talking about? Of course you are! You’re at every game, cheering us on, joining our huddles—everyone loves you.”
“I’m not at every practice,” I reminded her. “It would be weird for me to go.”
Grace shook her head. “I’m the captain, and I’m telling you, it’s not. Text Crystal right now. You can still go.”
“Yeah, but Lissi’s going to be there…”
“So what?” she said, pleading with me. “You hung out with her at the diner after the game.”
She wasn’t helping her case. Grace had stayed true to her word about keeping Lissi away from me at Scobell’s. We were at opposite ends of the table, but it almost didn’t matter. The whole meal felt like the Lissi show. She was telling stories, making the whole table—minus me—laugh, and I had to keep all my snide comments to myself. Right as I was about to ask Grace if this was Lissi’s late-night-show audition, Grace leaned over and whispered, “I’m so proud of you for the way you’re handling this, for being the bigger person.” How was I supposed to tell her I wasn’t?
“This will be a whole weekend with my ex’s girlfriend,” I protested.
“Yeah, and you’re with Spence now,” she countered.
Terri stood up. “That’s what this is really about, isn’t it? Spence.”
Grace looked taken aback. “Is it?”
“No,” I said. Terri’s eyes bored into mine. “Not entirely. I mean, I’ll probably hang out with him. But that’s not why I decided not to go. It’s expensive, it’s far, and I’m not a volleyball player this year.” I wasn’t going to tell them that Spence had agreed with me that going was ridiculous. He’d made decent points like why would I pay so much money to stay in a cabin in the cold with people I could see right here in Brooksvale for free? When he said it that way, it made perfect sense—although, seeing my friends’ reactions, I wasn’t so sure now. Spence said I’d still have a great weekend if I didn’t go, that he’d make it special. The idea of something romantic seemed a lot more tempting than being stuck in a cabin with Lissi.
“Cam,” Grace said, “come on. You’re bummed you missed the dance and everything. How do you think you’re going to feel when you miss a whole weekend?”
“For a boy,” Terri added.
“It’s not for him!” I shouted. “I don’t want to go. Don’t you realize how hard it would be for me to be there? To have to listen to Lissi talk about Marc?”
“So it’s because of Marc? You can’t let guys keep you from doing things,” Terri said, refusing to look at me.
I didn’t know why she cared so much; it wasn’t like she was going to be on the trip. “They’re not,” I said. “This is my choice.”
“Right,” she mumbled loud enough so I could hear.
“I wish you’d change your mind, but okay,” Grace said, accepting the fact that I wouldn’t.
“I know.” I looked at everyone in the room. No one seemed to know what to say. I’d made things super awkward. “But I’m here now, and don’t we have a movie to watch?”
“Yeah.” Avery held a bowl up in the air. “Everyone have enough popcorn? Anyone need a drink?”
While the rest of the group figured out the snack situation, I walked over to Terri. “Why are you so upset?”
“You’re just doing it again,” she said.
“Doing what?”
She waved me off. “Forget it.”
“No, tell me.”
“Fine—you’re letting a guy dictate your life.”
I let out a sigh. “It’s not like that. Come on, would you want to be jammed in a cabin with twenty girls? With one, maybe two bathrooms? And with someone you really wanted to avoid?”
I think I hammered the point home, because her shoulders relaxed. “Okay,” she said, “let’s go watch the movie.”
We took seats on the couch, but Terri’s words buzzed in my head. She was wrong. I was canceling the trip for me, not anyone else.
I was the one who decided what I wanted. Not Marc, not Spence—and not Terri, either. She might have been my best friend, but she didn’t know what she was talking about.
Chapter 27
I felt a twinge of guilt as I read Grace’s text. I knew I’d have a better time staying in Brooksvale, but I was sad I’d be missing out on team bonding. Even with Lissi there, I did have a lot of fun on the court cheering everyone on.
I was making the right decision, I assured myself as I texted her back.
I put away my phone and headed to the car. My parents were letting me drive to Spence’s. I wrapped my arms around myself, the crisp air sending a chill through me. You wanted this.
What was my problem? I’d been looking forward to this weekend. I needed to snap out of it. I shook out my arms and got in the car. I was done being ridiculous. I was going to see Spence and everything was going to be amazing.
He greeted me with a kiss, and I couldn’t help but grin up at him. It wasn’t like butterflies were performing Cirque du Soleil in my stomach or anything, but it made me feel nice, comfortable, and it gave me hope for the future. Butterflies would come later. Maybe even this weekend. We—okay, technically me—were planning all sorts of romance-filled things to do.
I pulled him in for a longer kiss, hoping to set the tone, which got no protests from Spence. He wrapped his arms tighter around me, and I was pretty sure I even felt my stomach flip a little.
I forced myself to step back. “Your parents are here.” Both their cars were parked in the driveway.
He gave me a light peck on the lips. “I think they know I kiss my girlfriend.”
Girlfriend. I really liked that word.
“I’m not taking any chances. Come on,” I said, tugging his hand. “The prelude to romance weekend is about to get underway.”
He led me to the basement, where he picked up the remote control, did a bow with extra flourish, and presented it to me. “M’lady.”
Tonight there were going to be no superheroes; it was all rom-coms. “Thank you,” I said, taking it from him.
I tried not to show my disappointment as I sat down on the couch and looked around the room. I knew tonight was going to be the low-key portion of our weekend, but I’d still hoped for something a little extra. Not necessarily candles and rose petals all around the room—I didn’t want any fire hazards or for his parents to flip out—but maybe some twinkly lights, a bouquet o
f flowers, a box of candy, a card with a dancing milkshake on it … something. Anything to show that Spence got me. But maybe he’d surprise me with all of that tomorrow.
“Okay, what’s it going to be?” I asked, shaking off any lingering letdown. “Did you look at the movie choices I sent you?”
He put his arm around me. “Any of them are fine.”
“Yeah, but which one spoke to you?”
Spence laughed. “Spoke to me?”
“Yes.” I swatted his arm. “Did any of them stand out?” I’d crafted a list of movies for him to choose from, ranging from the eighties until now. It included some of my favorites, like Say Anything, Ten Things I Hate About You, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before, and about a dozen more.
“I mean, they all seemed about the same.”
“The same?!”
“I’m sorry. They’re not really my thing, but I’m fine watching whichever one.”
He must have seen my expression, because he quickly spoke again. “The second one you said—that one sounds good.”
I let out a sigh. I was being stupid. It didn’t matter that he didn’t like rom-coms; my friends weren’t the biggest fans, either, but they watched them anyway for me. And that was what Spence was doing. It was a good thing.
“Nice choice,” I told him, and then pulled out a container of chocolate-covered strawberries from my bag. “I made these for us. But we can’t eat them all tonight. We have to save some for tomorrow.”
Tomorrow was going to be perfect. We were going to go apple picking, and then have a little autumn picnic in Brooksvale Park. I knew this cute little patch of grass that overlooked the town next door and would give us a perfect view of the sunset. It was supposed to be a clear night, too, so after, we could snuggle close to each other, wrapped in a big blanket, and gaze up at the stars and talk about our wishes. I couldn’t wait.
“About that…,” he said, moving his arm away and turning to face me.
The words made me freeze. I knew I wasn’t going to like this.
Spence bowed his head and looked up through his lashes. “Maybe we can postpone?”
“What? Why?”
“It’s a good reason. Promise. It’s about my brother. Duke called a little while ago—he was an alternate for this big e-sports tournament, and he found out he’s going to get to play.”
An alternate? For e-sports? What? Someone got a finger sprain or something and now my plans were ruined? It wasn’t fair. “You see him play all the time. This weekend was supposed to be for us.”
He gave me a sheepish smile. “I know, I’m sorry, but this is a big deal. And you can come! I want you to come. You’ve never seen Duke play. He’s amazing. And you’ll love this. There’s this party for the gamers, and I actually want to go.”
“You hate parties.”
“I know, right? But Duke wants to show me around and introduce me to people. It’ll be great for networking. Tournament organizers and other players will be there. Double win—you love parties. It’ll be fun.”
I didn’t know what to say. Did Mr. Anti-Social really think this was a good thing? “You wouldn’t stop by the dance or anywhere I wanted to go, not even for a minute, but you’re ready to drop everything for this?”
Spence raked his hand through his hair. “This isn’t like a normal party. You get that, right?”
Yeah, it was a party that interested him, while none of mine did.
When I didn’t answer, he squeezed my knee. “I’ll make it up to you. We’ll do all the stuff you had planned another weekend. It’s not like the apples are going anywhere.”
“Actually,” I spat, “they are. It’s getting cold. It’s going to frost soon. This could be the last weekend.”
“Okay, then we’ll just go when they grow back.”
When they grow back? That wouldn’t be until next year. My stomach was definitely turning now. Only it wasn’t from butterflies; it was from dread. Why was the thought of still being with Spence a year from now making me feel this way? I liked him, right?
Of course I did.
I was just angry.
“Cam?” Spence said. “Say something.”
“I gave up stuff for you. Stuff I wanted to go to.”
Now he looked taken aback. “I never stopped you from going anywhere.”
“Spence!” He might not have told me not to, but his expressions certainly had.
“What?”
“I gave up the volleyball trip. You’re the one who convinced me to stay, told me we’d hang out, do fun stuff, and now you’re bailing.”
He laughed incredulously. “You didn’t stay for me. You said you couldn’t stand Lissi. You said it was expensive, and cramped, and I don’t know.”
I wrung my hand around my wrist. “Okay, whatever. That’s not the point. We made plans, and I made my decision based on that.”
He threw his hands up. “This thing with Duke just came up. It wasn’t like I was keeping it a secret. And I’m not bailing; I’m including you. You like video games. It’s not like I’m asking you to go somewhere tedious.”
“Think again,” I snapped. “Playing the games is bad enough. Watching them? Ten times worse.”
Spence’s eyebrows scrunched together. “What?”
“Come on,” I said, lowering my voice, “you know I only play because you want to.”
He shook his head. “I thought you liked it. I knew you hadn’t played much before, but you always seemed up for it. You even came to one of my games.”
I bit my lip. He wasn’t wrong. I’d never said anything to him.
Spence ran his fingers through his hair again. “I guess I can tell my brother I can’t make it.”
He was going to give up something he really cared about because of me. Except that I didn’t want him to.
I’d made that mistake enough for the both of us. I gave up my trip. I skipped the school dance, parties, and nights out with friends. I watched movies I didn’t want to see, made myself available when he needed help with homework or studying. I even went to an e-tournament he played in.
Oh my God.
The sense of dread was back. My stomach felt heavy. I’d given up what I wanted to do for what I thought my boyfriend wanted.
Terri was right. I’d let a guy take over my life.
I looked at Spence.
“What?” he asked. “What’s wrong?”
I’m sure my eyes bugged out, because it was like I was really seeing him for the first time. Spence was great, I liked spending time with him, but a realization was bubbling to the surface. I liked spending time with my friends a lot more. I had wanted a boyfriend so bad that I’d convinced myself Spence was perfect for me, but he wasn’t. Not even close. I was forcing it. Worse, I had given up the things I loved for the things he loved. I’d chosen him over me, and I was done.
“Spence, you should spend the weekend with your brother.”
“You’ll come?”
I shook my head.
His body got stiff. “You’re breaking up with me, aren’t you?”
“I’m sorry.”
I felt a flood of relief.
“But—” he started.
I cut him off. I didn’t want him to try to convince me to change my mind. It was set. “Spence, I want to do all these things you never want to do.”
“I never stopped you.”
He was right. He hadn’t—I’d stopped myself, because I wanted to be there for him. “I know, but I put you first. I did whatever you wanted to do, but you wouldn’t even try the things I wanted.”
Spence shook his head. “So you’re blaming me for missing out on stuff?”
“No, I’m blaming me. I haven’t stood up for myself, for what I’ve wanted, but that has to change. It’s changing now.”
We talked a little more before we said our goodbyes. It was awkward, but it was what I had wanted Marc to do for me, and I owed that to Spence. I owed that to myself. I think Spence understood where I was coming from. We le
ft on decent terms, but I was excited that we were over. Excited to be done with Spence, done with doing things for other people.
It was time for me to do things for me.
Chapter 28
Terri’s lips were attached to Chris Tanaka’s when I found her outside the track Monday after school. I leaned against the fence and waited. Chris was our year, and he and I had a few classes together. I gave Terri and Chris a few minutes, but when they showed no signs of separating, I cleared my throat. Loudly.
She gave me a little wave and said goodbye to Chris. “See you tonight,” she told him before he headed for his car, and we headed for the track.
“Is that why you wanted to meet here?” I asked her as we started our first loop around the course.
“No, that was just a bonus. Ran into Chris on the way out of school, and one thing led to another. We made a date.” Her voice was singsongy.
“Do you even know Chris?” I asked her.
“I do now,” she said, raising her eyebrows up and down. “We’ve been flirting in English the last couple of weeks,” she admitted.
I didn’t bother to ask if this had relationship potential. No guy lasted long with Terri. “But that’s beside the point,” she said. “I picked here so you can find someone, too.”
“I thought you were happy to have me back and not spending all my time with a guy.” Right after the breakup, I’d filled her in on what went down with Spence. She was so happy, you’d have thought I told her I’d won the lottery.
“I am happy to have you back,” she said. “But you know my issue wasn’t about you spending time with someone else, right? Not that you should be spending all of your time with anyone. I just think whoever you go out with, it needs to be on your terms. You need to be happy. You need to get something out of it.”
We started rounding the track.
“So let me get this straight,” I said. “You want me to find a new boyfriend?”
“No. I want you to find a date. Someone to hang out with, not someone to plan the rest of your year with, or follow around like a puppy dog. Dating is fun.”
Finding Mr. Better-Than-You Page 14