by Matthew Ward
After removing a wedge-shaped piece and placing it on the large saucer that had been fastened against the box’s opposite wall, he noticed a vertical streak of gold at the center of the cake. Using the knife point to prise at the slender, metallic object buried at the cake’s core, he soon removed a shiny brass cigar tube.
Hastily cleaning it on his sleeve, he unscrewed the cap and slid out a rolled-up scrap of paper. With trembling hands, he unfurled the tiny scroll.
It was a letter. And it was addressed to him.
His heart raced as he began to read.
Dear Arthur,
Thanks for what you done on the boat, mate. That’s twice in two days you’ve saved me life, I reckon. Brings a tear to me eye when I think about it, it does. Nobody never done nothing like that for old Sammy before. If not for you and that well-placed porthole—as well as them unoficial records for underwater breath-holding and treading water I happen to hold from that time ‘Barracuda’ Barry tried to put the cement shoes on me—I’d be a dead man for sure. Didn’t hurt either, of course, that favorite pasta dish of yours just so happens to make a right good flotation device as well.
Wish I could have delivered this in person—but I can’t take any chances, now I’m a fujitive ghost. Better your family think me dead than a traiter, I’m sorry to say. Hard to blame them for not trusting me, of course, what with all the evidense keeps turning up against me and now them filthy clowns saying I were they’re boss. Not everybody’s as optomistic as you are mate—and I reckon even you may have your doubts. All I can say is, you’ve got to believe me—I’m innosent as the Queen herself. Somebody’s trying to frame me for things I never done—and Smudge has clearly got it in for me. Sorry for losing it on the boat there for a minute, but if I’d have let him put me away again I’d have never seen the outside of a jail in me life. And that just ain’t something I can live with.
If I’m ever to come out of hiding, I’ve got to clear me name somehow—and your the only one I can trust. I know you already done so much for me, but I’ve got nobody else to turn to. Its down to you to find the real cullprets what done this. And my money’s on them giant and dwarf devils.
Now, I must warn you: I never knew what happened to them two after the boat went under, but I had the strange feeling another one of them big pasta tubes were following me to shore. Didn’t think much of it at the time, as I reckoned them clowns had made it back into Smudge’s police boat, but with the paper this morning saying their ‘presumed drowned,’ I’m afraid we’ve not seen the last of ‘Messrs Overkill and Undercut.’ If their still out there, its only a matter of time before they strike again—and you’ve got to be ready for them when they do. You’ve got to find out who they are and why there after your family. Its the only way to protect you Whipples and clear me name.
Right then. Afraid I’ll not be able to risk writing you again whilst I’m in hiding but I’ll be thinking of you and saying me prayers all the while. Stay strong, mate. Your all the hope I’ve got in this world.
Until we meet again…
Your Greatful Freind,
Sammy
P.S. Enjoy the birthday cake, mate. With any luck you and me will be sharing your next one together…
Arthur lowered the note and stared out the window. His jaw hung open in disbelief.
He was back on the case—and now, it was more vital than ever. Sammy had entrusted him with his very life—and he would not let him down.
Whatever had caused the Lyon’s Curse to return, he would not stand by and watch it destroy his family. If Overkill and Undercut were still alive somewhere, plotting another attack, it was up to him to stop them. Who knew what rules—or records—he would have to break in the process?
Setting the note on the table, Arthur carved off a sliver of cake and raised it to his lips. It was, without a doubt, the best cake he had ever tasted. Beneath the layers of chocolate ganache, vanilla custard, and hazelnut mousse, he distinguished dark undertones of danger and dread—followed by delicate notes of courage and hope.
It tasted like adventure.
And this was only his first bite.
SELECTIONS FROM
THE WORLD RECORD ARCHIVES
BIRTHS
HIGHEST NUMBER OF SHARED COINCIDENTAL BIRTH DATES IN A SINGLE FAMILY: 14
Held by Charles & Eliza Whipple and twelve of their thirteen children: Henry, Simon, Cordelia, Penelope, Edward, Charlotte, Lenora, Franklin, Abigail, Beatrice, George, and Ivy. Though Charles and Eliza were no doubt fond of each other before they discovered they shared the same birth date, the prospect of conquering the prestigious coincidental birth date record together can hardly have hindered their decision to wed.
MOST TEETH AT BIRTH FOR A HUMAN BABY: 16
Held by Abel Denton. Sadly, Abel’s mother was forced to switch her child to bottle-feeding after only seventeen minutes, an effort for which she still bears the scars.
HEAVIEST HUMAN NEWBORN: 22 LBS., 7 OZ.
Held by Roberto Babosa. Birthed by Gabriela Babosa. RIP Gabriela Babosa.
LONGEST ARMS ON A HUMAN NEWBORN: 19 3⁄16″
Held by Luigi Allampanato. Baby Luigi’s parents had no choice but to remove the mobile from above his crib after he used his long arms to take one too many mobile rides and wound up tumbling to the floor. Luckily, his arms broke his fall.
HUMAN ODDITIES
FIRST RECORDED HUMAN BORN WITH SEVEN TOES ON A SINGLE FOOT
Held by Antonio Benito Tomás, born October 22, 1908. Became a legend of Uruguayan fútbol when he scored a goal from 106 yards, the Longest Goal Ever Scored.
HAIRIEST HUMAN EVER RECORDED: 78.6% SKIN COVERAGE
Held by Phoolendu Mahankali (a.k.a. the Panther-Man of Pandharpur). Fortunately for his humble family, little Phoolendu was able to use his Grazelby sponsorship money to help offset the crushing cost of haircuts. He eventually went on to study medicine but ultimately opted for a position as a lion tamer, because he found putting his head inside a hungry lion’s mouth had fewer devastating side effects than most doctors’ prescriptions.
HAIRIEST LIVING HUMAN: 74.3% SKIN COVERAGE
Held by Nergüi Khünbish (a.k.a. the Monkey-Man of Mongolia). It has only been a matter of weeks since the Monkey-Man secured the Hairiest Living Human title and gained the respect that such a title affords. Six years ago, in response to a lifetime of taunting from his normally follicled peers, he founded the “Hair Khan Cult,” whose exceptionally hairy members proclaim to be the true descendants of Genghis Khan and the rightful heirs to the Mongolian Empire. They have hatched numerous plots to overthrow the current government, but as the cult consists solely of Nergüi and his cousin Ordu (who bases his claim to exceptional hairiness solely on a slightly longer-than-average mustache), the Mongolian government has thus far remained intact.
ORGANIZED COMPETITION & UNSAFE SPORTS
MOST NATIONAL STRONGMAN COMPETITIONS WON BY A SINGLE GERMAN: 16
Held by Wilhelm von Kleve. Competitors at Muskelmannspiele (the German Strongman Games) are tested in dozens of traditional events, including Holstein-cow hoisting, schnitzel shoveling, and beer-barrel balancing.
LONGEST INDOOR HORSE RACE RUN IN A SINGLE FAMILY RESIDENCE: 489 YDS., 2 FT., 9 IN.
Held by Henry and Simon Whipple at the First Annual Neverfall Hall Indoor Classic. After their parents took stock of the damage, the First Annual Neverfall Hall Indoor Classic also became the Last Annual Neverfall Hall Indoor Classic.
BLOODIEST RHINO POLO MATCH EVER PLAYED: 18 TRAMPLINGS AND 11 GORINGS
Held by the Rhino Polo Intercontinental Cup Final, between Borneo and Zambia, at Unsafe Sports Showdown XXVI. Though Borneo managed to claim the victory in the end, only three members of the squad were physically capable of hobbling over to the winners’ podium to accept the trophy at the following awards ceremony.
OLDEST PLAYER TO BE EATEN BY CROCODILES IN AN EXTREME CROQUET MATCH: 66 YRS., 284 DAYS
RIP Wailin’ Waylan Martinson.* Perhaps making Mr. Martinso
n’s death even more tragic, extreme croquet officials believe the attack could have been prevented had Mr. Martinson not always insisted on carrying four freshly severed rabbit’s feet from his belt for good luck.
MOST POISON DARTS DODGED IN A SINGLE GAME OF EXTREME HOPSCOTCH: 73
Held by Beatrice Whipple. To prevent antidote-hoarding, the antitoxin is now distributed after all competitors have completed their runs.
FIRST EVER BLINDFOLDED ROUND OF MOTHER/CHILD KNIFE THROWING
Held by Fannie “Infanticide” Jenkins, Unsafe Sports Showdown XI. (Donations to the Timothy Jenkins Memorial Fund may be sent to the World Record Archives offices and will be forwarded to the proper address.)
FASTEST ROCKET-KART RACE FINISH: 49.583 SEC.
Held by Rupert Goldwin. If not for the rule that the driver be alive upon crossing the finish line, the record would have gone to Leonard “Flash” Fletcher for his unbelievable time of 26.392 seconds. RIP Leonard “Flash” Fletcher.
MOST WOODEN ARROWS SPLIT IN COMPETITION OVER LIFETIME OF ARCHER: 2
Held by Peter “Re-Pete” Fluke. Despite Mr. Fluke’s persistent claims that he had trained for years to execute such a feat, no member of the archery community has ever accepted the accomplishment as more than a mere stroke of luck.
MOST CONSECUTIVE PENNY-FARTHING STUNT-PARK GOLD MEDALS: 4
Held by Henry Whipple (for Unsafe Sports Showdowns XXIII–XXVI). There is no doubt that Henry Whipple has earned every stunt park gold medal he has won. It surely hasn’t hurt, however, that six of the eight other medalists from those competitions have wound up severely debilitated or even comatose from the horrific training accidents common to the sport, thereby somewhat limiting his competition.
FIRST ENTRANT EVER TO COMPLETE THE PENNY-FARTHING STUNT PARK WITH AN ARROW LODGED IN HIS BODY
Held by Henry Whipple at Unsafe Sports Showdown XXVII. The last entrant to have an arrow lodged in his body had not actually completed the event, due to loss of blood. The Unsafe Sports planning committee had scheduled an emergency meeting to discuss moving the foot archery event to a more remote location, but just before the meeting was to take place, the head of the committee had been struck by a stray arrow himself, and the meeting had been canceled.
OBJECTS & STRUCTURES
FIRST LEATHER WHIP: 132 A.D.
Invented by Tergus Acerbus. After experimenting with various whip-making substances, including lambswool, peacock feathers, and dried grass, Tergus Acerbus finally arrived at tanned cowhide as being the most durable—and painful—material for whip production.
WORLD’S QUIETEST NOISEMAKER: .6 DBA
Manufactured by No-Noise Toys. Voted “Best Toy Company on Earth” by the League of Curmudgeonly Neighbors.
FIRST NUCLEAR POWER PLANT
Held by Tranquil Towers, Sea-scale, England. Upon its opening, Tranquil Towers held a second world record, for Cleanest, Safest Radioactive Energy Producer on the Planet. That record, however, was short-lived.
FIRST NUCLEAR REACTOR LEAK
Held by Tranquil Towers, Sea-scale, England. Promptly renamed to “Mostly Tranquil Towers” after the incident.
WORLD’S LONGEST SMOKING PIPE: 38 FT., 2 IN.
Produced by Hector del Humo, Córdoba, Spain. In the private collection of Charles & Eliza Whipple. Commissioned by Mr. Whipple’s father, under the claim that “the longer the pipe, the more distinguished the man.”
FIRST WALL TO SURPASS 5,000 MILES IN LENGTH
Held by the Great Wall of China (at 5,500.254 miles). The Great Wall, which spans nearly the full width of China, was gradually built over more than two millennia to be the ultimate defense against foreign invaders. Upon its completion at the start of the 17th century, China’s rulers could breathe easily at last. In a cruel twist of fate, however, the capital city of Beijing was promptly sacked by an army of rebellious peasants—all of whom were resident Chinese citizens. Unfortunately for the old rulers, the giant wall they had built made it much harder for them to flee their now-hostile homeland, and they were all summarily executed.
LONGEST WALL EVER BUILT: 5,501.102 MILES
Held by the Greatest Wall of China. Not to be outdone by his predecessors, the Kangxi Emperor (Longest-Reigning Chinese Emperor in History) commissioned the Greatest Wall near the start of the Qing Dynasty to overshadow the ancient Great Wall. The two walls run side-by-side across the country—but the Greatest Wall stretches roughly one mile farther.
LARGEST STRUCTURE CONSTRUCTED SOLELY FROM STANDARD PLAYING CARDS: 12′4″ X 6′ X 13′ 8″ (63,482 CARDS), “ARC DE TRIOMPHE” (1⁄12TH SCALE)
Constructed by Cordelia Whipple. Despite its lack of adhesives or fasteners, Miss Whipple’s playing-card structure can support the weight of an entire rugby team without significant structural damage—but might be completely leveled by a stiff breeze.
WORLD’S FIRST BIRTHDAY CANDLE: AUGUST 12, 1808
Invented by Diedrich Luftlippen. Herr Luftlippen originally devised the idea for the birthday candle in order to win a bar bet, in which he was wagered a hundred Deutschmarks that he couldn’t get a roomful of party guests to eat a cake with someone else’s spit all over it.
WORLD’S LARGEST GET WELL CARD: 10′ 8″ X 1′4″ (OPEN)
Made by Cordelia, Penelope, Edward, Charlotte, Lenora, Franklin, Abigail, Beatrice, George, and Ivy Whipple for Phoolendu Mahankali (a.k.a. the Panther-Man of Pandharpur) and their elephant, Shiva. The Whipple children were careful to grip the card tightly upon presenting it to Mr. Mahankali, so as not to repeat the incident with the former Largest Get Well Card, whose recipient (a Mrs. Constance Aiken) was forced to spend six more weeks in intensive care when her children forgot to wipe their hands after eating buttered toast.
VEHICLES & TRAVEL
FIRST MOTORIZED WHEELCHAIR EVER ASSEMBLED: 1916
In the private collection of Lâo Bàoyuàn. Originally devised by military engineers during the Lesser World War, as a method of getting wounded soldiers back onto the battlefield as quickly as possible.
FIRST JET AEROPLANE: 1937, THE “DERRING DART”
Engineered by Sir Frank Derring. A compulsive gambler (as nearly every jet pilot after him has proved to be), Sir Frank had the misfortune of living a hundred miles from the nearest casino and invented the First Jet Aeroplane to get himself to the roulette tables in the fastest conceivable time.
FIRST SUPERSONIC JET: 1946, THE BOLT XLR-8, MANUFACTURED BY BOLT AVIATION
Piloted by Commander Chance “Zippy” Keen. Also a compulsive gambler, Commander Keen piloted the First Supersonic Jet to get himself to the roulette tables just a little bit faster.
TALLEST AUTOMOBILE ON EARTH: 11 FT., 9 IN., TOWERING SHADOW TTT
Manufactured by the Hulls-Hoyst Motor Company. Commissioned and owned by Charles & Eliza Whipple. The Hulls-Hoyst Motor Company was formed when the Hulls Engine and Hoyst Ladder companies merged in 1907. It has remained the leader in the luxury oversized-motor-car market ever since.
WILD WONDERS
THICKEST TREE LIMB EVER RECORDED: 12 FT., 9 IN. DIAMETER
Held by “Thor’s Arm,” a branch on the giant sequoia “Thunder God.” Ironically, the limb was severed by a lightning strike during Lightning Storm Larry, the Most Powerful Lightning Storm in Recorded History.
YOUNGEST PERSON TO SUMMIT KANCHENJUNGA (WORLD’S THIRD-HIGHEST MOUNTAIN): 4 YRS., 5 MOS., 28 DAYS OLD
Held by Edward Whipple. “Though the climb up was rather grueling, sliding down was much more fun,” Edward reported after completing the descent.
YOUNGEST INDIVIDUAL TO LIVE A MONTH WITH A WOLF PACK (VOLUNTARY): 4 YRS., 11 MOS., 12 DAYS
Held by Abigail Whipple. In a never-before-documented oddity of wolf behavior, the pack leader seemed to offer Abigail a permanent place in the pack. She was, however, forced to decline, citing “interspecies differences,” though not without tears.
WORLD’S OLDEST LIVING MAPLE TREE: 534 YRS.
Held by “Old Sweet Bruce,” a sugar maple in Pelham, Ontario, Ca
nada. Heavily armed Mounties are stationed around Old Sweet Bruce twenty-four hours a day to ward off syrup-smugglers.
LARGEST EVER EXPEDITION TO SOUTH POLE VIA ICE CREAM VAN: 26 VANS
Sponsored by the Freezy-Creemy Ice Cream Company. Expedition led by Alfred Peregrine Congelati. The expedition hit an unexpected snag when its leader realized a group of stowaway children had left the transport ship and instinctively proceeded to chase after the ice-cream-van convoy as it ventured across the icy wasteland. The expedition was forced to double back in order to return the children to the safety of the ship. Though many of the stowaways suffered from severe frostbite, all of them claimed the journey was worth it, as they were each given a Choco-Rocket in return for their troubles.
MOST CHILDREN SWALLOWED BY A SINGLE FOREST: 38
Held by the Black Forest, Germany. Some observers have wondered why anybody would choose to live near such a dangerous place for children, but local parents have been known to use its reputation as a highly effective scare tactic. As such, children in the Black Forest region have been certified to keep the Cleanest Rooms of Any Region on Earth.
BREATHTAKING BEASTS
LARGEST COMMON HOUSEFLY EVER RECORDED: 25⁄32 IN. LONG
Captured in the wild by Penelope Whipple (who narrowly rescued it from her brother George’s attempt at the Most Flies Swatted in One Hour).
TALLEST DOG IN THE WORLD: 45 13⁄16 IN.
Held by Hamlet, a Great Dane in the care of the Whipple family. Though he and Shiva, the World’s Largest Indian Elephant, are fond friends, Hamlet received a nasty shock when he mistook one of Shiva’s tusks for one of his oversized chewing bones. He has not made the same mistake since.
FIRST ANIMAL IN SPACE: