by Matthew Ward
Held by His Royal Highness Grand Duke Frederik Henri Albért Gabriel Félix Marie Guillaume the Second of Luxembourg. Crowned when he was only four years old, after his widower father and his two elder brothers all died suddenly and mysteriously in the span of two months. The little grand duke was eventually cleared of all charges.
MOST AWARDS PRESENTED IN A SINGLE DAY: 793
Held by the Academy of Qualified Award-Givers. After securing the world record, the academy hosted a special awards dinner where its members took turns presenting the award to one another and giving acceptance speeches. (It is still unclear which item of food it was that caused the audience’s outburst of spontaneous vomiting.)
HIGHEST NUMBER OF TROPHIES EVER RECEIVED BY A LAW-ENFORCEMENT AGENT: 402
Held by Inspector Hadrian Ulysses Smudge. When home from his travels, Inspector Smudge has been known to leave his outer trophy-room door ajar as a way of attracting dull-witted thieves whom he might catch in the act and haul off to jail, thereby increasing his record for Most Solved Criminal Cases in History.
ORGANIZATIONS & GATHERINGS
LARGEST GARDEN PARTY EVER HOSTED AT A SINGLE-FAMILY RESIDENCE: 1,853 GUESTS
Held by Charles & Eliza Whipple, for their 18th Annual Whipple Family Birthday Extravaganza. Party planning by Gordon Carouser. After attending more parties than classes during his time at school, Gordon Carouser became the First Person to Ever Prove His Parents Wrong by Turning Party-Going into a Successful Career.
LARGEST GATHERING OF DWARVES AND GIANTS: 4,302
Held by the 8th Annual Exceptional-Size Awareness Expo. Hosted by the Global Guild of Dwarves & Giants. Though the turnout surpassed all expectations, the event had limited success in actually raising exceptional-size awareness, as all the attendees were exceptionally sized themselves.
WORLD’S LARGEST ALLIANCE OF TRADE ORGANIZATIONS: 14.2 MILLION MEMBERS
Held by the World Record-Breakers Union. First established in 1826 to combat the often deplorable working conditions in the factories of the day, which sought to break records for productivity at the cost of their workers’ health and well-being. Despite the record-breaking size of the union’s current membership, only about 6% of its members are actual record breakers.
LARGEST DWARF-ONLY CRIMINAL ORGANIZATION: 1,200 ESTIMATED MEMBERS
Held by the Dwarven Brotherhood. With four out of five of the organization’s members currently living within the prison system, fellow inmates live in perpetual fear of the Dwarven Brotherhood’s brutal knee-cappings, vicious femoral-artery slicings, and sadistic groin-punches.
CLOWNS
MOST MONEY RAISED BY A CLOWN FUNDRAISER: $2,118 US
Held by the 4th Annual World Clown Day. Organized by the International Brotherhood of Circus & Party Clowns. Though it did manage to set a record for charitable contributions to a clown organization, the final figure fell far short of the fundraiser’s $500,000 goal.
FIRST CLOWN TO UNICYCLE AROUND THE GLOBE WHILE JUGGLING
Held by Kevin “Spokes” McGee. It has not yet been determined whether Mr. McGee’s deteriorating mental state was caused or merely exacerbated by his grueling global trek. Sadly, Mr. McGee ignored several recommendations that he see a psychiatrist upon his return home.
MOST PEOPLE STRANGLED TO DEATH WITH A NOVELTY BOW TIE: 3
Held by Kevin “Spokes” McGee.* Tragically, McGee strangled his wife and young son before turning the bow tie on himself.
UNDERTAKING & DEATH
MOST ARROWS REQUIRED IN EXECUTION BY FOOT ARCHERY: 246
Held by Shumei Nao (convicted in 1208 of dumpling-smuggling at the Manchu Han Imperial Feast and punished in the traditional manner).
MOST CORPSES PREPARED AND BURIED IN A SINGLE DAY: 26
Held by Obediah Digby Lowe. Mr. Lowe graciously donated his services in the wake of the tragic “Harlequin Glue Factory Massacre,” the Deadliest Glue Factory Horse Revolt in History.
WORLD’S MOST EXPENSIVE COFFIN: £375,000
Designed by Richard Bawkes. Commissioned by the fifth and final Lord Grubber, who converted his riches to gold coin and had his extravagant coffin filled with them upon his death. His headstone read simply: You CAN TAKE IT WITH YOU. But although he was right about taking his wealth with him, he was proved unable to keep it with him—due to persistent grave robberies. Lord Grubber’s remains now lie in an otherwise empty pine box.
MOST BLOOD COLLECTED FROM EXSANGUINATED CORPSES IN ONE YEAR: 4,088 GALLONS
Collected by Jules Drayner. Notoriously disorganized in all things but the actual exsanguination process, Mr. Drayner never bothered to purchase a suitable receptacle for the product of his work and was forced to collect it in various tin cans and glass jars, which he stored on shelves and bookcases throughout his home. Needless to say, he never married.
SHORTEST TIME AFTER DEATH TO PREPARE & BURY A SINGLE CORPSE: 47 MIN.
Held by Gideon Balmer. Mr. Balmer was awarded the “Still-Warm Heart” by the International Undertakers Society for the selfless dedication and exceptional expediency he displayed in the burial of his mother-in-law.
LONGEST TIME SPENT IN A BODY BAG BY A LIVING INDIVIDUAL (INADVERTENT): 34 HRS., 52 MIN.
Held by Serena “Silent-Sleeper” Spralls. Fortunately for Ms. Spralls, a night watchman finally heard her cries just before dawn during his last rounds at the city morgue.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
To my family and friends: thanks for your amazing, bordering-on-unreasonable supportiveness—especially to those of you who let me sleep at your house for a year or three, and those of you who lent me money despite the historically dire repayment rate of struggling novelists, and those of you who were always eager to read more of the story, even if some of you grew three inches taller between chapters. (And thanks specifically to my wife’s family for not kidnapping her when she announced I was going to quit my job and sell our house to “try and be a writer.”) If not for all your help and encouragement, dear family, this book would not exist (and would now vanish before your eyes in three, two, one)….
To my mom: thanks for being a rabid fan of all my endeavors—and for not letting me not finish the endeavors I start (however much I may grumble about it at the time).
To my dad: thanks for encouraging and inspiring me to be creative for as long as I can remember—though I’m afraid I will never re-create the magic of your legendary “Boy & His Daddy” stories.
To my brother, Jake: thanks for giving me the appreciation for competitive sport essential to the Whipples’ world—and for sitting through all my school plays when you probably would rather have been out kicking a ball. (Then again, you now know all the lyrics to Les Misérables, and I know all the current standings for the Barclays Premier League. I think they call that a win-win.)
To my sister, Courtney: thanks for being a Whipple fan from the start. And thanks for always believing in me, even when I don’t quite believe in me. There will always be a cushion on our couch reserved for you. (Just not the one I’ve worn the groove into. That one’s mine. Sit on it at your peril.)
To all the dearly departed writers who created worlds from which I myself never wanted to depart (e.g., C.S. Lewis, T.H. White, E. Nesbit, Roald Dahl, Howard Pyle, Arthur Conan Doyle, Joan Aiken, Dr. Seuss): thanks for showing me what wonder looks like. Hope they have “meet the author” events in Writer Heaven. (Also, hope they let me into Writer Heaven.)
To all the living writers who have done the same: sorry if my hands shake a bit if I ever get to meet you before we get to Writer Heaven. (Fingers still crossed about Writer Heaven.)
To Kathy Treat, Carolyn Ebner, Amy Cordileone, and everyone at the Lincoln City Fellowship: thanks for carrying me in the end, so I could cast the ring into the fires of Mount Doom (so to speak).
To my agents, Laura Rennert and Lara Perkins: thanks for your constant support and your amazing skills in the arts of both business and, well, art. Laura, thanks for believing in the book when it was only 72 pages long—and for stick
ing with it when it was 650. Lara, thanks for the inspiring story chats and for the voodoo magic you worked on the manuscript so that it is not still 650 pages long.
To my editors, Ben Schrank and Gillian Levinson, my designer, Danielle Delaney, my illustrator, James Gilleard, and everyone at Penguin/Razorbill: thanks for turning my ridiculous pipe dreams into beautiful book reality. Ben, thanks for taking a chance on Arthur Whipple and me, despite our glaring recordlessness. Gillian, thanks for making the book better with every pass and for your astounding ability to keep track of the story when I can hardly keep track of it myself.
To my boys, Henry and Miles: thanks for making the world a truly magical place. Henry, thanks for all the times you’ve told me to “stop working, Daddy,” so we could go wrestle or make waffles or play invisibility cloak. You are one extraordinary kid, and there is nothing that makes me prouder or happier than being your dad. Miles, at the time I write this, I haven’t quite met you yet (apart from a few transbelly high-fives), but it somehow feels as though you’ve been with us all along. I can’t wait to show you around this fantastic world of ours—and promptly sign you up for the Ward wrestling team.
Finally, to my wife, Wendie: thanks for listening to me ramble about the Whipples for the past fifteen years—and for all the times you rambled along with me. It’s no secret to anyone who knows our story: I could never have done it without you. I just wish I could find the words to properly express my undying love and gratitude. (Hmm. Undying? Sounds a bit Dracula-esque, don’t you think? Man. I’d really love to bounce some ideas off you here, just like we’ve done for every other part of this book. Good thing the acknowledgments section is pretty much the only subject on earth I don’t have the privilege of discussing with you—or I would clearly be lost.) But I guess what I’m trying to say is: in writing and in life, everything is better with you. Thanks for being my best friend and partner in crime-fighting. Thanks for being my Ruby. There’s nobody in this world with whom I’d rather go adventuring….
And above all, to God: thanks for making all other thank yous possible.
* NOTE: Half of all proceeds for this Regrettable Record have been paid to Mr. Martinson’s widow by Grazelby Publications.
* NOTE: Half of all proceeds for this Regrettable Record have been paid by Grazelby Publications to the families of terminated suspects who were later proven not guilty.
* NOTE: Despite its sponsorship contract with Mr. McGee, Grazelby Publications has declined to publish this Regrettable Record.