by S. J. Sylvis
I knew that Alex wouldn’t always be based here, but out of all the places we lived as children—this one was our favorite. Our absolute favorite. I’m sure it had a lot to do with the fact that when we lived here (the first time) our parents were still in the “honeymoon” stage of their marriage. My dad didn’t deploy a whole lot when he was stationed here, either, which definitely made a big difference during that time in our lives.
Once we came back here the second time, after living in Arizona, things started to dwindle in my parents’ marriage. It was probably one of the crappiest times of our lives. The bitter taste of betrayal still lays on my tongue, but the good always outweighs the bad. Always.
JoJo piped up, “Oh, hey. I invited your new neighbor tonight.”
I dropped the small box of plastic forks, hearing them clatter as they hit the hardwood floor.
“WHAT?” I yelled.
JoJo threw her hands up like she’d been caught stealing something from our local grocery store. “What? I thought you would want to meet him. Don’t worry, he isn’t a potential boyfriend…he’s a Marine.” I saw her roll her dark eyes at my ridiculous rule, but I’d given up explaining that to her a while ago.
“I know who he is! I didn’t want him to come!” I said, picking up the forks and busying myself so she couldn’t see my face.
“Wait. What? How do you know him? Did you already meet him when he moved in or something?”
I let out a big breath and lowered my shoulders. “No. I met him at the hospital a few days ago.”
JoJo’s mouth hitched. “And?”
I looked away, grinning. “I may have been a bit…rude to him.”
JoJo grinned. “What did you do?”
A laugh crept its way from deep in my belly before I began telling her just how rude I’d been to Lucas.
Four
My small living room and adjoining kitchen were filled with the balloons, bouncing off each and every dark wall. There was a banner hanging over the small archway that read “Welcome Home!” and little paper stars dangled from the ceiling. This was exactly how my living room would have looked a year ago if Alex had made it back safe and sound. But he didn’t, so here we were: celebrating my best friend’s fiancé’s homecoming, and that of the other friends who we’ve surrounded ourselves with over the past few years.
JoJo and Ryan have known each other for far longer than she and I have. Ryan went to grade school with JoJo, whereas I didn’t meet JoJo until middle school. They dated a few times throughout high school, broke up a few times, then ended up back together after they realized that there wasn’t really anyone else in the world who they’d rather be with.
I really was elated that Ryan was back. So much so that I had to hold back my tears when he walked into the surprise party. He and every other person stationed with him in Afghanistan had smiles covering their faces from ear to ear. Their tanned skin made their white smiles shine even brighter. They didn’t look rough or ragged like I’ve seen my dad look when he would return home from a deployment. They just looked content, and normal.
When Ryan, Chuckie, and Daniel came over and hugged me tightly around the waist, I felt relieved. Having them back over here on American soil was nothing short of a miracle; especially since I knew how rough it was over there on the other side of hell. I think Ryan could tell that I was holding back my tears, a mixture of both happiness and envy, because he held onto me a little tighter, kissing me on top of the head.
“This is amazing, Cammie.” Daniel whispered as his arms left my frame. I smiled gently up at his blue eyes and watched as he searched the entirety of my face. Daniel was a cuddly guy, big but still in shape, with a round, baby-like face. He was the life of the party, always smiling and joking around. Much like my brother had been. The two of them were good friends. Everyone loved Alexander, even more so now that he was gone. He was one of those guys who would take the shirt off his back and hand it right over to you without the slightest hesitation; that’s why he made such a good Marine. But, that’s also why he didn’t make it back.
“It wasn’t all me. It was JoJo’s idea,” I said, scrunching up my nose at the sight of JoJo making out very robustly with Ryan. His arms were wrapped around her waist, and her legs were wrapped around his middle, tightening their hold on his body.
Daniel gave out a big belly laugh and I laughed alongside him, feeling the little twinge in my heart disappear. Alexander would want me to be happy, and he would want me to welcome these guys back with open arms. I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.
“What the hell! Luke?” Daniel boomed, spotting someone who had just walked into the kitchen. I looked around Daniel’s wide body and watched as Luke, with his sandy blond hair and pale green eyes, came through the archway. I took the teeniest, tiniest second to scan his body. His hair was spiked up just a little bit in the front, and his pale, somewhat squinty eyes bounced around the room as he gave a grin and quick dip of his head at the sight of Daniel. The black shirt he wore was taut around his chest but hung a little looser around his waist, and he had on a pair of jeans that were, for lack of better words, perfectly fitted to his lower half. The second his eyes found mine, while he was giving Daniel a hug/pat on the back (man-style, you know), his eyebrows folded into themselves. I briefly saw that tiny scar that was in between them before it disappeared between the wrinkles.
“Doc? What are you doing here?” he hummed, pulling away from Daniel and crossing those tan arms across his t-shirt. Did he really just call me “Doc?”
I rolled my eyes unintentionally. “This is my house, Soldier.”
I heard Daniel curse under his breath after he chuckled. Luke’s eyes shifted, as if he was trying to decide whether I was serious or not. I wish I wasn’t.
“Your house?” He laughed. “That’s just perfect.”
Before I could even say anything, he uncrossed his arms and looked directly into my eyes. “I wouldn’t have pegged you for a party girl. You seemed so uptight…” He smirked and I was pretty sure steam came out of my ears. I knew my face was beet-red, and I back-pedaled in my head. I take it back! I wish it was Dustin that lived beside me instead of this… arrogant, egotistical, asshole.
“You know nothing about me…” I said, but I was more embarrassed than anything, because he was right. I was uptight. I’d given JoJo a list of rules so she could forward them to everyone before they came over. It wasn’t a long list or anything…it was just a list to keep my house intact.
Luke’s smirk grew even wider.
“I know plenty.”
My mouth opened into a gape, and I was surprised when I didn’t hear a line of curse words spewing out of it. Instead, I grabbed onto my countertop so tightly my knuckles turned white. I couldn’t come up with a comeback; that’s how taken aback I was at his attitude, which made me feel like I was nothing but a bitch.
He walked towards my fridge swiftly, opened it, and grabbed a beer from the back without even glancing in my direction. I watched as he headed off to mingle with my friends. The way he gave them hugs and back-slaps meant that he knew them, and that didn’t sit too well with me.
At all.
I would be lying if I said I didn’t listen to every single conversation my new nemesis had with my friends. My ears perked up when I heard that smooth voice ask about Afghanistan, and then again when he filled the others in on what had been happening over at the shop the last couple of weeks. Apparently, they shared a shop now that they were all back from deployment. That meant they would be working together. That also meant he was going to be around my friends more often than not. Which meant I was going to get shit from him all the time. Apparently, my friends were his friends, too. Great.
I was almost positive that he hated my guts, and I kind of felt the same. We’ve had, what, two encounters since we’ve met? Two! That’s it! Yet we both felt the need to give each other dirty looks and scowls accompanied by snarky remarks. I didn’t even know why he hated me so much, besides the whole calling
him “soldier” thing. But, come on. It was a joke. Granted, a joke to intentionally piss him off, but who cares?
I stood back in my kitchen, against the cool glass of my oven, and watched as everyone took sips of their drinks and socialized with one another. Parties have changed dramatically over the last few years for me. In college, parties were wild. Drunken nights led to one-night stands, walking back to the dorms way after midnight, and throwing up the next day until I thought I was literally going to die. Then we had this—no beer pong, no drinking games, no loud music…just adults mingling and laughing. Although, the relaxed manner of this party probably had something to do with my list of rules that JoJo had so carefully texted to everyone.
“So, how ya doing?” JoJo asked as she made her way over to me to grab another drink from the fridge. The beers clanked together as the door shut, and I pushed off the oven to let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding.
“I’m fine,” I said, with as much fakeness to it as the blonde’s boobs casually being pressed up against Chuckie’s tattooed arm.
JoJo arched her eyebrow at me and I grinned, shrugging my shoulders.
“I know you better than that, Cammie.”
“I really am fine. A little annoyed with him,” I nodded my head to Luke, who was standing a little too close to Daniel’s date’s friend. “But, really. I’m okay. I promise.”
“I know this is hard, but I’m glad you’re getting back into the swing of things. Being around people…” Before I could muster up my retaliation, she stopped me. “I mean other than your patients. Workaholic.”
I let out a small laugh just as Ryan called JoJo back over to him. I propped myself against the island in the middle of my kitchen and watched as he kissed her on the temple. Then he raised his beer bottle, and everyone stopped their conversations. My eyes wandered from the crowd back to Ryan, and my heart dropped.
“I just wanted to give a shout-out to my adorable fiancé.” He kissed her again, only this time it was on the cheek. “And to Cammie for allowing us to use her house for this little party. We missed you girls, a ton.”
A smile grew on my face, but my stomach still fluttered with apprehension.
“I know I can speak for all of us and say that we are grateful to be home and out of that fucking hot-ass desert.” I heard a few laughs, but I immediately sensed that the ending to this speech was going to cause me to hold back the huge amount of puke already bubbling up in my stomach. “But I wanted to give a little moment of silence for those who didn’t make it back safe, and for those who laid their lives down for the rest of us…”
Every single pair of eyes whipped in my direction. All except Luke’s. Everyone at this party knew my brother died overseas almost a year ago. Just about everyone here knew the kind of relationship we’d had, and how it inevitably destroyed me…everyone but Luke.
My stomach twisted and curved like a roller coaster when I made eye contact with JoJo. Her golden eyes were glossy, and Ryan was staring at me with sincerity etched all over his face. Daniel nodded his head at me, and Chuckie’s girlfriend bit her lower lip. I scanned the rest of the faces peering my direction, making me feel like the giant fucking elephant in the room. I almost wished I was an elephant right now, so I could stomp the fuck out of this torture! Ryan’s beer was still being held above his head, and then slowly, every single other person rose their drink, and the atmosphere turned arctic. I trembled a little, and bit on the inside of my cheek so hard that I could taste blood. Tired of looking at the drinks held high in the air, my gaze made its way to Luke. At least he didn’t know. I could bask in the fact that there was one person here who wasn’t looking at me like I was a fine piece of crystal, ready to shatter at a mere touch.
Scratch that. Now Luke was staring at me, too.
The look on his face was inscrutable. Part of me wanted to turn away, but the other part couldn’t. We were at an impasse; he was trying to figure me out, and I was trying to figure him out. His lips parted slowly and then closed again. We didn’t stop staring at one another until Ryan finally broke the silence. I watched, despair creeping into my stomach and my heart clenching tightly, as everyone lowered their drinks and resumed their conversations. Funny. That’s how it went with death, too. When someone died, that was just…it. Everything else just kept on going. The world kept revolving, your loved ones continued to go to sleep at night and wake up the next day…as if nothing ever happened. That’s why death was so unfair. So, so unfair.
I finally looked away from Luke and opened my fridge to grab a tall-necked beer bottle. I popped the cap with the bottle opener lying on the counter, gave JoJo a small smile, and walked right out my back door onto my white wooden deck. I inhaled the biggest amount of night air that my lungs could possibly hold, then tipped the beer bottle back and drank half of the amber liquid, welcoming the burn in my closed throat.
I was usually very good at keeping thoughts of Alex, my dad and his life, and my mom and her ridiculous choices at bay. After what just happened inside, though, the thoughts were coming at me in waves. I felt so alone sometimes, dealing with it all…just like I was when I got the news…
It had been early morning, and the sun was just peeking through the window above my sink as I drank my steaming coffee, closing my eyes and embracing the smell wafting through my house. I was happy, because I knew it was almost time for Alex to return home. I already had the party planned out in my head, and I was going to the store that weekend to get a big, white, cotton bedsheet and permanent markers to make his banner. I was going to hang it up on my porch like we used to do for my dad. That was one of our favorite things to do as kids when our dad was coming home from a deployment. Mom would drive us to the store, and we’d pick out a colorful assortment of markers to decorate the sheet that we’d hang up on base, saying “WELCOME HOME, DAD!” If you were to drive past base now, I can almost guarantee that there’d be signs just like that hanging here and there, welcoming these guys home.
After I gulped some more coffee down, my phone started to vibrate on the counter near the pot. I remember distinctly, slanting my head at the strange occurrence; no one ever called me that early because half the time, I’d just be getting home from a shift and going to bed. But I’d picked it up when I saw it was my mom calling.
“Mom?” I asked. “Why are you calling me so early? It better be an emergency…” I laughed a little because she probably didn’t even realize how early it was.
“Cammie.” Was all she said, and my stomach did that funky little dip thing like when you go over a huge hill in the car.
“What?” My voice was barely above a whisper. Chills broke out along my arms and my pulse was thumping so hard I could feel it in my wrist.
“It’s your brother…”
“No.”
Her muffled cries pierced right through me. She didn’t need to say the words that I knew were coming, but she did anyway.
“He’s gone, Cammie.”
The next sound was the shattering of my ceramic coffee mug as it hit my kitchen floor. In fact, the coffee stains were still there on my white cabinets. I couldn’t get them off, no matter how hard I scrubbed.
I was lucky. I got to hear the news from my mom. My dad knew before anyone. With his ties in the Marine Corps, he was always the first to know just about anything. Everyone knew our last name, everyone knew that my father was as prestigious in the Marine Corps as the commanding general, and everyone knew that Alexander was going to be a mirror of my father…until he wasn’t.
My poor mom got the news by opening up her front door, at ten o’clock at night. Two men dressed in their snazzy blue dress uniforms and stark white hats were standing there to tell her. I’m glad I wasn’t there to witness it, because I’m sure they had to pick her plump self right off the floor. I’m almost positive that’s what happened.
I was lucky I wasn’t there.
I really was.
Five
I looked up and stared at the stars, listening
to the soft sound of country music wafting through my house, and then I finished my beer in silence. I didn’t cry; I was done crying over what had happened. I don’t think I’d fully moved on, and I probably never would, but I didn’t really cry anymore.
When I heard the sliding glass door open, I knew it would more than likely be JoJo coming to check on me, but I wished she wouldn’t. Sometimes, I just needed to be alone. Okay, most of the time I liked to be alone, but she’s never let that stop her.
“Thinking of all the men you’ve left at restaurants?”
My heart paused in my chest when the voice that should have been JoJo’s, wasn’t.
“Get any more concussions lately?” I sat up a little straighter in my chair, still facing the opposite direction of the door. I scoffed dramatically, “Oh, wait. I don’t really care.”
“Ouch.”
I could tell Luke was getting closer to me since his voice was louder than before. I kept my eyes focused on my wooden railing when he came around and plopped down on the other Adirondack chair.
We sat in silence for a long time. Long enough for me to stop feeling sorry for myself about Alex, and my dad with his new family, and my mom off in Italy or who knows where.
“So, that’s why you don’t date Marines?” Luke asked, turning his head in my direction.
I looked to my right and scanned his face. How does this guy, who I’ve only had a few encounters with, already know my little secret? It took him, what? Maybe twenty minutes to put it all together?
“Who told you I don’t date Marines?”
“I know things, Doc.”
I laughed and turned away.