Jace hugged Roan's waist. "No, I'd say you're probably more alive than you've ever been."
"And I'd say you're probably right." Roan touched his forehead to Jace's. "Is it a good time to tell you I'm in love with you?"
"Always."
"Then maybe we should go back, tell your wife. I'm sure she's dying to know."
"Only if you'll do it with me. You don't have to avoid her. She wants to get to know you. So let her. Let her see what I see in you."
Sirens blared in the back of Roan's mind. How would it work? One of them was bound to crack and send one, or both, of the others away. Disaster would be inevitable. Here, in the river, Jace was Jace, Roan's only love. But back in the camp, Jace was leader and a husband, bound by duty and expectation. How long could they have an intimate relationship without one of those things getting in the way? How long could he share Jace before Cayra decided it wasn't the right decision… or if someone else decided for them?
Roan kissed Jace's palm. No matter his misgivings, he needed to try. Anything else meant hiding their relationship once again or not having a relationship at all.
He wouldn't trade anything to go back to either.
06
Roan held his breath, waiting for Cayra to leave the tent. She peeked through the flaps, her round face illuminated by the soft yellow light within. The rest of her body was difficult to make out in the dark. She appeared to hold a floppy hat in one hand and tools in the other. At half an hour before dawn, she was ready to work, tending the plants in the field and the makeshift greenhouse in the north corner of the camp. Similar to the other days, she wouldn't return for at least three hours.
It was the perfect time to see Jace.
Cayra walked away, disappearing among the tents opposite Roan.
Roan snuck up to the tent, pausing at the entrance. This was what Jace wanted. They had Cayra's blessing. Still, he couldn't shake the feeling he was breaking a rule.
"Coming or going?" Jace asked from inside, his voice husky.
Roan slipped into the tent and pulled the flaps tight behind him. The small metal lantern beside the bed caught his attention first. Immediately his gaze traveled over the table and bed to stop on Jace. The thin blankets had been flipped aside. Jace lay naked with his hands behind his head.
Even after being together in the river, then the hasty make out session in Roan's tent two days later, seeing Jace completely exposed surprised him. More than that, there was more being bared than just skin. Maybe that was the whole point.
It was time to stop hiding.
A smile spread across Jace's lips. "What? Rethinking it?"
"No." Roan approached the bed. "Just waking up."
"That's a lie. You don't sleep past five." Jace leaned on his elbow. "I'm pretty sure you're incapable of sleeping in. I won't hold it against you." He patted the mattress. "Come on. Get into bed."
Roan gripped the back of his shirt and jerked.
Jace smirked. "No, slow. Humour me. Draw it out."
There was no point in arguing, Roan figured. It was better than stepping in for a quickie and being kicked out. Slow and steady, he coaxed himself, grasping the front hem of his shirt with both hands. As Roan pulled the fabric up, Jace's lusty gaze crept along with each sluggish movement. Roan removed the shirt and tossed it into the corner, but Jace's attention remained on Roan's exposed skin.
Once Jace's glance flicked downwards, Roan unzipped his pants and slid them off just as slowly. Jace's breath caught before he took several shallow breaths. Roan threw the pants aside and straightened, relieved that Jace appeared to enjoy what he saw. While Roan hadn't invested much of his adult life worrying about measuring up to the sexual fantasies of others, to know someone desired him was refreshing. All his life, he'd been made to feel ashamed of his body, what was in it, and what it could do. But Jace stared intently as if he'd leap from the bed and make love to Roan on the rugs. It held a light to the darkness instilled in Roan's mind.
This was what freedom felt like.
Goose bumps covered Roan's skin as Jace's gaze followed Roan to the end of the mattress. On his hands and knees, Roan crawled towards Jace. Welcomed by Jace's open legs, Roan kissed the end of Jace's cock. Encouraged by Jace's moans, Roan planted a trail of kisses up Jace's body, working up his groin and over his chest to the curve of his neck.
Just as Roan lifted his head, Jace snatched a kiss, his lips demanding attention. Roan sighed and pressed the weight of his eager body against Jace's. When Jace drew him closer with his knees, Roan couldn't stop his moan while their cocks rubbed together. He wanted to keep his mouth on Jace's, tasting him again and again, taunting their lost years. He wanted to be greedy and unyielding in the desperate pursuit of Jace's touch, filling him with a fire blazing from his belly to his chest. Above all else, Roan's body wanted Jace inside him, fueling the agony until they both screamed for the mercy of a mind-numbing release.
And yet, his soul begged to hear Jace's husky voice again. Deep down, he wanted to hear nothing but words, not one breath wasted. He wanted to know he mattered.
His body could wait.
"Jace," Roan murmured, "ask me again."
"Ask you what?"
"Ask what they did to me."
Jace breathed out and shuffled until they lay side by side. "What did they do to you?"
At first Roan couldn't answer, the words tangled in his mind. In a matter of simple, childish words, he was going to make himself vulnerable, willingly. Could Jace fathom how frightening it was? Please catch me as I fall…
"They hurt me," Roan whispered.
"I know," Jace said softly, grimacing. "And I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." Hesitating, he stroked the tattoo on Roan's face with a touch so light, Roan barely felt it. "What does this mean, really?"
Roan sucked in a breath. He needed to do this. He needed to move on and have the chance to heal. Whatever wasn't broken inside him was tired of bending from the weight of carrying every truth alone. If Jace was blinded by love enough to see past Roan's failings, perhaps Jace was hero enough to piece Roan back together.
"It's a branding, to remind them of who we are," Roan answered, forcing the words out. "To tell the world we belong to them—that we're possessions. They wouldn't name their pen or house or a chair, so they didn't bother with our names. We're a commodity." Roan touched the tattoo, his fingers pinning Jace's hand to his cheek. "Fifty-four sigma k one. I was the fifty-fourth recruit in the Sigma program. K one is the highest class possible, assigned to those they consider the most resistant and the most dangerous. We're the most promising because we can do the most damage."
"And the tattoo on your back?"
Sitting up, Roan couldn't imagine what Jace thought. SIGMA was inked into his skin in thick black letters, following his spine from the base of his neck to his tailbone. It was a constant reminder he could never get rid of. The only consolation was that he couldn't see it most of the time. Rarely did he get the chance to stand in front of a mirror large enough to show him his back. To remember receiving the tattoo was enough; he never wanted to see it.
Roan flinched as Jace's fingers tenderly touched the middle of his back. "They wanted to make it obvious when we aren't dressed. Not the only purpose, though, just the least painful."
"For what?" Jace asked. "What the hell kind of program is this?"
"Exactly that—hell." Roan peered at Jace over his shoulder. "Sigma is code for drugs—something about drugs activating sigma receptors. They'd pump us full of coke, meth, PCP, and at least a hundred other drugs. Then they'd see what happens. In regular humans, there are hallucinations, the shakes, screwed up nerves. Depression, anxiety, and whacked out states of consciousness." He took a breath and hugged his knees. "Vens don't react the same. Many are practically immune. Our magic counteracts it. The scientists said it blocks the receptors; screws them up somehow. Problem is they're still working it out. The more they search for the answers, the more Vens get tortured."
"Why? What does it
matter if you don't react? Isn't that a good thing?"
"Yeah, it's great." Roan snorted. "The governtary wants people in the field who won't be compromised by drugs or chemical torture. So they do the torture themselves to see what we'll put up with. I just happened to be one of the lucky ones in the top category." He tapped the side of his head. "K one: short for immune to most things, and a fast, acquired immunity to most everything else. It's not a hundred percent, but it's enough for them to think I was worth putting in the field. I can be loaded and still kill an enemy. That's why I was here. That's how your men found me. I was being tested again."
Roan pointed to his back. "Each letter was tattooed with a different family of drugs just to see how I'd react. If I'd bounce off walls and rip their faces off, or curl up in the corner and cry for my mother. It was about acquiring immunity so no one could sabotage me when I did their dirty work. We're their super soldiers."
"Shh." Jace squeezed Roan's shoulder. "You're here now. It's okay."
Before Roan could ask Jace why the universe and every self-serving deity and metaphysical entity imaginable had decided Roan needed to be punished, Roan caught his breath. For the second time since arriving at the camp, he was crying. Not in loud sobs, but enough to wet his cheeks and make his voice crack.
After years of never crying, why did it suddenly feel right to surrender to tears?
"Come here." Jace pulled Roan into his arms and kissed his forehead.
"They put me through so much shit." Roan swallowed back the emotions overtaking him. Rage laced with fear shocked his core even though he was nowhere near the doctors, soldiers, or the government officials that occasionally poked their heads into the observation rooms. "They use us for anything they can think of. They wanted to know how to break me—if they could break me. They wanted to know if cancer, anthrax, or the goddamn plague kills us. If our blood really does override every disease except ones that feed on magic. Then they wanted to know what kind of criminals we'd make. What kind of killers we could be. What we'd be like as soldiers, sent to clean up other people's messes. One thing right after another."
"Guess we know where you ended up," Jace muttered.
"They administered so much crap, and I overcame it. A few times, it nearly killed me, but then I rebounded. Don't know how. Don't care why. They liked that I couldn't be taken out easily, so they made me a soldier. Didn't ask if I wanted to be, just told me to get myself together, or they'd make it worse." Roan leaned back into Jace's tightening embrace. If it were up to him, he'd never leave the healing power of Jace's arms. They were calm and sympathetic but strong. Protective. Safe. "It's all in the name of defense. They think they're helping people. They think it's justified. They think the needs of the great outweigh the few, so we should pay our dues to society ahead of time and reap the reward of being alive. But they don't get it. We might be breathing, but we aren't living."
Jace nuzzled Roan's ear before kissing his shoulder. "I can see why you didn't want to talk about it. It's too much. No one should be forced to endure that, not for any reason. They've lost their minds."
"All because someone's DNA mutated out of proportion after being exposed to some stupid chemical," Roan mumbled. "All because some smart psychologists thought Vens could live like everyone else. All because a couple Vens decided to play for the navy during the war and let people see what they could do. They were considered people then: on the payroll, receiving health benefits and medals. Before the politicians got involved; before terror drove them mad."
"There's more, isn't there?" Jace asked. "You're holding something back. I can hear it in your voice. What aren't you telling me?"
Roan lowered his head. Painful as everything was, why was this truth the most shameful? "Why I stopped you in the river."
"I don't need an explanation." Jace sounded surprised. "I don't. If you'd rather just—"
"No, I need to tell you. For you, because you deserve to know, and for me, because I couldn't talk to anyone about it."
Roan settled against Jace, his stomach pressed to Jace's hip as their legs entwined. He laced the fingers of his one hand through Jace's. "They liked me so much they wanted me to reproduce. They tried to make me have sex with Ven women. I refused. I put up a damn good fight with the scientists: biting, punching, slamming doctors around, using magic to fend them off. I made the women run. Made a couple of them cower and scream to be left alone. They believed I was a monster," he whispered. "Then they decided I was a risk. Couldn't have me breaking people. So they forced me. Strapped me down, attached a tube, stimulated my body, and suctioned out what they wanted. That's how they made me a sperm donor. They got what they wanted the hard way."
Jace stiffened, holding Roan tighter. "Oh god. I can't even… I'm sorry. I didn't realize. I never would've imagined."
"That's why I stopped you. It was too much like what they did." Roan sighed. "I didn't want there to be kids. The governtary will use them for their own twisted ends. And it'll destroy other people's lives because my kids will be dangerous. I know what they'll go through. They'll be fucked up like me and cause pain."
"Roan, I—"
"Don't. It's not your fault. What you were doing felt so good until my mind started playing games. It's just, maybe I'm not the blowjob type right now. Everything else I can do. I don't want you to stop the other stuff." Roan grinned and rubbed his leg along Jace's. "Love your mouth on me. Don't ever stop that. And the teasing drives me nuts. Do whatever you want with everything else; I just don't know if I can go there yet."
Jace kissed Roan's hand. "Whatever you want or don't want. Anything. I won't push it. I won't. It isn't about what we do or don't do, just that we're together. That's all I wanted."
"So why do you look so sad?"
"What?"
Roan searched Jace's eyes. "I'm not the only one holding something back. You were fine until I mentioned kids, then I kind of lost you. Train derailed. I know you're not thrilled with the idea of me being abused, but there's something else, isn't there?"
"No." Jace sighed. "Maybe. It's nothing to do with you. You had my full attention, I swear. And I really do hate what they've done to you. I wish I could string them up by their balls and let 'em hang until they rip off. I'd pay anything to see that."
"You're avoiding the question."
"Fine, so maybe I am. It's just I don't—" Jace breathed out loudly. "I want to focus on you. Scream, cry, throw something. I don't care. Do whatever you want if it helps. I want to know what you've been through. I want to take care of you."
"And I want to do the same for you, so let me," Roan said softly. "I've said my piece. You've done what I needed you to do. Let me return the favour. Let me listen like I used to. Trust me like you did."
"It's not a trust thing. It's a me feeling like a failure thing. You know how much I hate admitting how much I suck as a person. I'll apologize 'til I'm blue in the face, but I hate going on about the stupid crap in my head."
"And the longer it stays in there, the worse you'll feel. We've discussed this before."
"When we were fourteen."
"Yeah, and I said you needed to talk more. So talk to me. Don't make me get out of this bed." Roan pointed to the tent flaps. The dim light of dawn filtered in from the other side of the tent. "Because I will, and I'll walk out bare-ass naked just to rub it in."
Jace rolled his eyes. "Fine. I give. It's just that here you are saying how you don't want kids, meanwhile Cayra and I haven't had any luck. And we want to. We really, really want to. But we can't."
"I know. She told me."
"She did?" Jace asked, his eyes widening. "Wouldn't have ever thought she'd bring it up. It's not exactly the highlight of our marriage. It's definitely not the high point of my life." Jace squeezed Roan tightly. "I feel like I keep striking out with the people I love. Like I keep failing you and her and everyone else who relies on me. I couldn't save you. I didn't try hard enough, and all these years, I hated myself for being so stupid. Then Cayra—it's
my fault."
"That you don't have kids?"
"Yeah. I'm pretty sure I'm the reason it isn't working out. We had a plan, and I messed it up. She blames herself, but I don't think it's her. It's me. I'm defective. That's why I keep telling Cay to sleep with someone else. I won't hold it against it her. I just can't make her go through this. I hate letting her down. I hate not being able to give her absolutely everything."
Roan propped himself up on one arm, laying his other hand on Jace's chest. Focused on Jace's racing heart, Roan willed his magic to ease Jace's physical and emotional stress. "She doesn't think you're letting her down. She blames herself, not you."
"I know, and that's the problem." Jace covered his eyes with the back of his wrist. "She hated being on the run all the time. Marrying into Teach hasn't made it any easier. People talk behind her back. They think I could do better, whatever that means." Jace snorted, annoyance flitting across his face. "I've told them to stuff it. I don't regret a damn thing where she's concerned, except losing her family. I can't help but think we could've done something to save them—gotten them out of there before the chemicals were dropped. Cayra doesn't have anyone else; nowhere else to go but here, with me. She's like you: she deserves good things, a safer life. She's a good person. She's good for me. She's good for us all, no matter what anyone else says. And now this."
"'This' what?"
"You and me." Jace clasped Roan's hand. "I'm happy we're together. I don't want to lose it. But I'm scared this new arrangement is just Cayra in denial, trying to convince herself it makes her happy. I'm scared she'll realize it isn't what she wants, and I'll have to choose you or her. And it kills me because I love you both."
"And here I thought you were so confident."
"No, I'm just an idiot who wants to believe the best. I'm faking it and holding out for hope. I want to be paranoid and wrong. I want to be happy and in love. I don't want to choose. How can I trade one love over another? You came first." Jace smiled. "My heart was yours from that ridiculous moment when I tripped over you. We were ten, remember? You helped me up, saying you should assign yourself to me because I couldn't be let out on my own. You even went to my father and said as much. He laughed himself stupid."
For the Clan Page 9