by jc santo
Jo has slowly stolen it one small piece at a time over the past four years.
She’s always been there for me and when it was my time to step up to the plate and be there for her, I ran scared. Now I know I have to prove to her that I won’t run again.
Docking back in Norfolk is bittersweet. I’m relieved to be home, but on edge with everything waiting to face me.
Within a couple of hours, with my sea bags on my shoulders and the keys to my Chevy truck in hand, I walk off the Eisenhower, thankful to be back on American soil.
Most of the single sailors, me included in most cases, leave base and immediately head for a restaurant they’ve missed or a bar to grab a beer. Not this time though.
I steer my truck in the direction of Jo’s apartment.
Typically seeing spouses and children waiting for their sailors to come ashore doesn’t bother me, but today I struggled to keep my emotions at bay. The only thought running through my mind was that could’ve been Jo and our baby. Or just Jo waiting for me with open arms.
Both images are equally appealing to me.
Pulling up to her complex, I see her car and breathe a sigh of relief. Now if she opens the door, it will be a perfect miracle.
I rap my knuckles on the heart of the door before placing each hand on the frame above my head.
And I wait.
And wait.
Then knock again.
And wait.
After a full five minutes, I’ve given up hope that it will be as simple as I pictured. Distressed, I climb back in my truck, type in the address on my phone’s GPS and head to Reed’s new apartment.
He was kind enough to offer up his and Tegan’s spare room for a few weeks until I get settled again. I gave up my room in the barracks before I deployed, essentially leaving me homeless now that I’ve returned.
I already have two weeks of leave that started immediately after I debarked the boat this afternoon and a first class seat booked that leaves in two days to take me back home to the South. It’ll be good to go home and see my family again, but I hope I can talk to Jo before I leave.
Pulling in their apartment complex, I smile as I recognize Marshall’s truck and Tessa’s Suburban. Seems I’ll get to see everyone tonight. Maybe Jo rode with one of them over here. I almost feel like an intruder. Being away for six months with very little communication and being somewhat left out of everyone’s lives puts a strain on your mind.
I know all of my friends still care about me, but deployments aren’t for the weak of heart. It almost feels as though Jo and I have suffered a huge breakup and now all of our friends have chosen her side while I was deployed. I know that isn’t the case, but sometimes you can’t fight the irrational thoughts that run rampant in your mind.
Standing at the front door after knocking, I impatiently wait for someone to answer the damn door. Knowing there’s a possibility that Jo is sitting just beyond this door has part of me wanting to bulldoze my way through it.
After what feels like an eternity, the wretched door finally opens. Standing on the inside is a sight for sore eyes; Charlie fucking Reed.
“Shut the fuck up!” he exclaims as he pulls me into a bro hug. “What’s up, man?!”
“Hey Reed. How the hell you been, man?”
Before he’s able to respond, two squeals loud enough to crack glass interrupt our barely started conversation.
Tegan runs to my opened arms and wraps her tiny ones around my neck. Hearing Reed’s grunt, I squeeze her a little tighter and longer than necessary. It does feel nice to have this kind of an embrace though. This is what I was wanting on the pier this afternoon.
I pull away and give Reed hell.
“It’s about time you got your shit together, man.” I clap him on the shoulder. “Glad to see you finally set things right between you and her.”
We banter back and forth, just like old times, and I hug everyone else, and ooh and ahh at the twins who are loaded into their car seats, ready to go home for the night.
When I think I’ve said hello to everyone, I feel a tiny pair of arms wrap around my trunk like thighs from behind. Looking over my shoulder, I smile at Sawyer’s sweet embrace.
She finally loosens her grip and I take the opportunity to squat down to her level.
“Hey pumpkin, how ya been?”
“Hi J.C. I missed you.” I can tell she’s tired but I love that she came and talked to me instead of playing shy. I’ve missed this sweet little spitfire.
Pulling her into my arms, her tiny ones wrap firmly around my neck, and I place a kiss to her hair. We stand there with me kneeling down on one knee and this sweet little girl curled up into me for a few moments, lost in our own little world. I didn’t expect anything less than this type of welcoming, but as I said, those irrational thoughts can make a person begin to question their faith in others. I was worried I wouldn’t receive this type of welcome home.
She finally pulls away and I take her in fully. She’s grown quite a bit since I last saw her, but she still has the stunning gray eyes that draw you in. I just hope she hasn’t lost any of that spunky attitude she had before I left. Of course, as soon as she opens her mouth, my fear is quickly cast aside.
“Are you gonna leaf again? I missed you and Jojo is gone again, too.”
“Yeah baby girl, I’m gonna go get her and bring her back home, okay?”
She nods her head, “Otay. I need her back, so she can play wif me again.”
Sawyer’s words hit me in the gut, ‘Jojo is gone again’. I have to know where she is.
It’s no surprise that everyone was expecting me to question her absence; Sawyer’s remark and my facial expression are enough to get the answers I wanted without having to actually ask the questions.
I honestly expected Tessa or Tegan to know; Jo is always with one of the Daniels sisters. I’m surprised when they are clueless and Reed is the one to speak up with useful information.
“She left on a flight yesterday for leave.”
“What do you mean? Her leave isn’t for another couple weeks,” Tegan asks.
He sighs heavily. “I volunteered to drive her to the airport during work. She..she got a phone call from her brother and was in tears.” He looks over to Tegan and shakes his head, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, she asked me to keep it to myself though. She didn’t want anyone worrying more about her.” His eyes move back to me. “I don’t know all the details but whatever’s happened man, it isn’t good,” he claims remorsefully.
Collective gasps and muttered curses go around the room. There’s a flurry of movement when I bark out orders calling for a flight to California and her mother’s address.
“So, what’re you gonna do?” Hunter asks.
“I’m going to help her through this, and then I’m claiming her stubborn ass,” I state with conviction. “She loves me; she just doesn’t want to admit it. I’ve let her hold the reigns on our relationship for too long. It’s time for me to take over.”
“You’re gonna have your work cut out for you,” Marsh teases.
“Oh hell yeah,” Hunter throws in.
Reed pats me on the shoulder. “You’re really doing this man?”
“Fuck yes, I am.”
Tegan comes back into the room, hands me my credit card and informs me that my flight is booked and I leave in two days. That gives plenty of time to let work and my parents know what’s going on.
Tessa slides up to Hunter and slips me a piece of paper.
“There’s the address. You know she’s going to be pissed we helped you with all of this, right?” she asks.
“Oh well,” Marshall states before I’m able to. “She needs someone, now more than ever.”
“He’s right. And Jo is part of this family; we stick together and are there for each other through the tough shit,” Reed says.
Everyone collectively nods in agreement.
Time to get my woman, whether she’s r
eady for it or not. I’m tired of running and allowing her to run from what we have.
Jo
There’s no way to describe the pure terror that ran through my veins when I received the call from my brother two days ago. Mom’s pain management is getting harder to control now.
I flew out here as soon as I could after getting my emergency leave approved by my Chain of Command. Which wasn’t a big deal, I was already set to go on leave in two weeks, it just got bumped up a little now after Miguel’s phone call.
Thank God for Reed driving me to the airport, I wouldn’t have been able to see from the tears streaming down my face.
He drove me and tried to comfort me as best he could. Poor Reed isn’t the compassionate type, except when it comes to Tegan.
I felt horrible leaving without telling anyone what was going on, but I’m sure if it’s deemed necessary, Reed will let them know something’s happened with my mom.
Instead of the usual festive, loud and upbeat homecoming, I met my sister in law, Christina, at the airport and she drove me straight to the hospital.
Mom’s health has hit another downward spiral, this one much worse. And from what the doctors are saying, it seems like this is the beginning of the end of her battle. When I arrived home, my heart hurt seeing her in that hospital bed, but what really hit me was when I walked into my childhood home and she wasn’t there.
Walking through the house enthralled by all of the small things I’ve learned to skip over, I finally take the chance and truly admire them. From the small collection of porcelain figurines to the family photos lining the walls, this place is home.
My whole life was built around these walls. With the exception of my time in the Navy, I’ve lived here my entire life. This is where my parents brought me when I came home from the hospital as an infant. My dad taught me to ride my bike right outside the front door on the sidewalk. This is where I experienced my first love, first heartbreak, and countless other firsts. It’s also where I experienced the loss of one parent, and where I’ll lose my remaining one as well.
I came out here with the intentions of pep talking my mom up, telling her we can get through this and we’ll fight it. I’ve yet to believe my mom wouldn’t beat this cancer, even though she’d told me two months ago that she was going to die from it; I still refused to believe it.
It’s time to accept her fate. She has, my brothers have; I’m the only one still resisting it.
As much as I hated to hear it, Mom has decided to stop everything, no more doctor visits, no more medication except to manage her pain, she’s done. Her only request is to go home and be surrounded with family until her time comes. The doctors are monitoring her for tonight and setting up hospice to begin their visits tomorrow afternoon once she’s home.
It breaks my heart; this isn’t supposed to happen to my mom. It shouldn’t happen to anyone, but especially not her.
Sitting in my old room on the bed, I finally give into the tears I’ve been holding back. Once the dam is opened, I can’t stop. I cry for myself, for Mom, my brothers and nephews, and niece. For the baby I lost and the future ones who won’t get to bond with my mom. And I cry for the failures I made in regards to J.C. and what we could’ve had together.
Not long after my emotional breakdown starts, I feel the strong arms of my brother, Joseph, wrap around me. He doesn’t say anything, just holds and consoles me.
I don’t know when he came home; he was still at the hospital when I left with Christina.
After I finally pull myself together somewhat, he explains.
“I figured you’d want to stay with Mom tonight instead of me. I came home to switch places with you, if you want.”
Not wanting to pass up the opportunity to spend any additional time with my mom, I accept and before I know it, have a small bag packed with a change of clothes and am headed back to the hospital.
Two days later, we’re home and Mom is comfortable. The nurse hospice assigned to her is wonderful; she gets here at 8:00A.M. and leaves at 6:00 P.M.
I’m not sure what determines how long she’s required to stay, whether it’s my mother’s condition or her insurance, but I prefer to think Mom’s personality is what keeps Nurse Kandice around.
Mom’s personality doesn’t reflect someone who’s dying. She still hands out life advice to anyone who’ll listen, she still tells her wonderful stories, still smiles and laughs. She does stay either in her bed or a recliner now; she’s less mobile and tires quickly.
We were all shocked when the doctor told us that Mom has only a matter of months left to live. The only thing we can do at this point is to manage her pain and keep her happy and comfortable.
“Alright, Ms. Patricia, you want me to help you to your room before I head home for the evening?” Kandice asks as I begin putting away the dishes from dinner.
“I think I’ll stay out here, Kandice. Spend some time with my daughter while her brother is at work. She’ll make sure I get to bed.”
I nod my head in agreement and Kandice helps Mom get situated in the living room while I continue cleaning up the kitchen.
Once the kitchen is spotless, I walk into the living room to see Mom has already started to doze off. Not wanting our time together for the night to end just yet, I flip the channel to Dancing with the Stars, pull out my cell and scroll through Facebook for a few moments.
My phone chimes with an incoming text from Tessa.
Tess: How are you? Why didn’t you tell me what’s going on with your mom?
Me: Hey, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to burden anyone and it was so sudden I didn’t think to call.
Tess: It’s okay, I get it. I just wish you would’ve let all of us know. You’ve been so distant lately.
My heart slams into my chest while I think of a response. This isn’t the time, and it surely isn’t the way to tell Tessa why I’ve been hesitant.
Me: I know, I’m sorry. Just going through some shit. I promise when I get back, we’ll go have coffee and talk about everything. Just know I’m sorry and I love you.
Tess: <3 you too, Jo. Give your mama love from me. And call if you need anything.
Me: Will do.
No sooner do I sit my phone down, Mom stirs from her sleep.
“Hey, I love watching this show. Come sit with me, Joey.”
I rest my butt along the armrest, and Mom lays her head against my shoulder.
Joey is a nickname that only my immediate family calls me; while some may think it’s childish, I love it. I’ve been Joey since I was born.
“So,” she pats my thigh, “did you ever work everything out with J.C.?”
I roll my eyes, knowing she can’t see me.
“Not yet. J.C. is deployed. Communication is damn near impossible when you’re on a boat.”
“But it is possible.”
“Yeah but—”
“No excuses, you need to talk to that boy. Fix your relationship.”
“We don’t have a relationship, Mom. It was casual, friendly, and carefree fun.”
We sit in silence as another competitor receives their scores; twenty-seven out of thirty.
“It may have started as casual, but I know you care about him, so stop running from your fears and talk to the boy,” Mom says out of nowhere.
I don’t have it in me to argue with her anymore tonight. Shaking my head, I tell her, “I love you, Mom.”
She takes a deep breath. “I love you, too.”
“Do you want me to help you get to bed?”
“Yeah, you better. I’m getting tired and I need to take a pain pill.”
Fifteen minutes later, Mom is settled in bed already dozing off again thanks to the medication. And I’m left once again to my thoughts.
Refusing to fall into the slump of depression again, I get into my own bed and fall asleep quickly.
J.C.
I should have called.
What would that have done though, h
onestly? Jo never reached out to me while I was deployed; making it blatantly obvious that she’s still upset with me.
Who could blame her though? I acted like a complete jackass all those months ago. She needed me, needed my support. And did I give it to her? No, I treated her like shit; blamed her for something that wasn’t her fault.
Thank God I don’t have long to contemplate backing out of this plan. My flight number echoes over the PA system.
I glance around the seating area as I make my way to the attendant at the terminal. Doesn’t look like we’ll have a full flight on this leg of the trip. I silently hope the flight from Atlanta to California is the same.
The petite attendant takes my ticket with a sly smile. I look her over and scan her nametag; Jeanette . A year ago, I wouldn’t have thought twice about getting Ms. Jeanette ’s number or even dragging her into the closest bathroom and fucking her or allowing her to suck my cock, but the thought doesn’t cross my mind now.
I’m taken. The woman who owns me may not claim me yet, or even know that she holds my heart, but that doesn’t deter my feelings. I’ve never felt the need to be there for someone like I do with Jo.
Knowing she’s been dealing with hit after hit on her own kills me. It’s time to make amends for that now though. Once I convince her to give us a real chance, I will never let her feel alone like that again.
Reed and Tegan gave me a quick rundown yesterday at lunch, but I’m still in the dark with a lot of what’s going on. All I really know is Jo did eventually, with a firm push from Reed and Miller, seek counseling from the Chaplain. And when she was finally getting back to the old Jo, she got the call that her mom’s cancer is getting worse.
I have no idea just how bad her mom is or how much her cancer has progressed; I just know I need to be there.
The entire flight from Norfolk to Atlanta is spent going over every possible prognosis her mom has been given and every possible reaction to Jo seeing me there. Let’s just say, the majority of both scenarios didn’t leave warm and fuzzy feelings in my stomach.