I nodded. "Thank you. Seriously."
"Now, how about we go back out there and we won't talk about it unless you want to."
"Can I get a minute with her mom?" Josh asked.
Robin nodded, took one long last look at me and left.
"Are you sure you're fine? If not we can go back to my place."
I smiled, looking up at him. "I swear I'm fine. I just had tons of memories flood my head while I was talkin' about it. I'm fine, I wanna stay, and I wanna play games. I wanna experience a family."
"Your courage is admirable. As long as your fine we can stay, but you have got to tell me if you want to leave, though. Deal?"
"Deal. Can I ask you somethin', though?" I asked, looking in the mirror at my red puffy eyes.
"You know you can."
"Why me? Why didn't you run in the other direction when you found out all this? Why'd you fall in love with me?"
"Because there was something about you. Something I couldn't quite figure out, but I knew I had to get to know you better. There are so many little things. Your eyes, how when you smile it slightly crinkles the sides and they seem to sparkle. The way you laugh, it's infectious. You think for yourself, you're intelligent. You love adventure and you don't let anything stand in your way. You've had a rough past, and yeah, okay maybe it's a lot to wrap your mind around, but look where you are now? Why me, though?"
I turned, looking him dead in the eyes. "Because you saved me without knowin' it. You looked at me and my world stopped. I never believed in love at first sight 'til you."
He smiled. "Come on. Let's get back out there, what do you say to that?"
"I say let's do it!"
He laughed and pulled me into a hug. "I love you. Happy Thanksgiving."
"I love you too. Happy Thanksgivin'."
Chapter 16
The rest of my Thanksgiving trip had been amazing. I had spent the next day with Sarah and Robin. We talked a lot about my past, where I saw my future going and just bullshitted between. The day after that Josh and I spent half the day together. Laughing and talking. He took me to lunch and then the airport. I was sad to be leaving but happy to be going back to work. Plus Amelia was leaving tomorrow and I wanted to spend some time with her. Just the thought of her leaving made me want to cry. I guess part of me used her for my own personal healing, the fact that I never had a younger sibling, and the only sibling I had, had in a way turned his back on me.
I took my suitcase to my room and belly-flopped on the bed, but before I could even get comfortable my phone began to ring.
"Hello?" I asked, eyes closed, my voice muffled by the comforter.
"Jo?" I heard Ashley's reply.
"Yup."
"What's the matter? You and Josh didn't break up did you?" Concern was thick in her voice.
"Were we s'posed to?" I asked, clearly confused.
"No. You just sound, I don't know, you sound listless. What's the matter?"
I laughed. "No. It's called bein' tired. I just spent half the day with Josh and then almost the other half on a plane. I have work tomorrow, and I'm goin' to have lunch with Amelia before they leave. I've got a full week of stuff, it just baffles me how y'all somehow still seem to have the impression that I don't do nothin'. Just 'cause I ain't got strict hours or nothin', I still have shit to do." I felt myself getting angry.
"Whoa, calm down killer. I never once said that. I know you stay pretty busy. I was just callin' to see how your trip went. I'll talk to ya later, though. Call me when you've calmed down."
And with that, the line went quiet and I tossed my phone on my pillow.
I woke up to my alarm ringing. I was still dressed from the day before and a little disoriented. I checked my phone and groaned, I had six missed calls from Josh. I hopped up, dizziness kicking in and I had to stand still for a few seconds. I took a quick shower, blow dried my hair and got dressed. I grabbed my sweater and quickly called Josh. I chewed on my bottom lip, knowing that it was so early there.
After a few rings, his sleepy voice came on the line. "I was beginning to worry I had done something wrong."
"You didn't do nothin'. I got home and fell asleep. Slept all night. I'm sorry it's so early, but I couldn't wait to call you back."
He chuckled, still sounding only half awake. "I'm glad you called. Did you get any rest?"
I smiled. "I did. Now I'm gettin' ready for work. I'll talk to you tonight, though, go back to sleep."
"Mm, but I don't want to go back to sleep."
"Why not?" I asked, pouring coffee into my travel mug.
"Because it took me forever to go to sleep without you here with me last night. Now that I'm talking to you, I don't want to go back to sleep." There was a smile in his voice, which brightened my day tremendously.
"Well think about it this way, you can go back to sleep and dream about me."
He laughed. "I was already doing that."
"Oh were you now? Was it a good dream?" I asked, smiling, as I waited for my toast.
"It was a really good dream. Want to hear it?"
"Of course I do!"
"Well, we were walking on the beach. You had a beautiful white sundress on. God, Jo you looked amazing. Your hair was down, blowing in the breeze. I stopped you, but just before I said anything that's when the phone rang. I think I know what I was going to say, though."
"I think I do too. Ain't that kinda scary though?"
"What? Wanting to marry you? No, but I do think it's too fast. I think my heart's taking over my brain and letting me know what I want. Eventually, though."
I smiled, looking down at the counter, my hair falling in my face. "Well, you know what? I'd say yes eventually."
"Wait, really?!" I could hear the enthusiasm in his voice.
"Yeah. I would, but look, I've gotta go. I'm about to eat and leave. I love you. Get some sleep, finish that dream. Let me know what I say."
"Alright, baby. Have a great day. I love you too."
"I will. You too, stay safe. Talk to ya tonight. Bye."
"Bye." He almost whispered.
"So how was your trip?" Emily, Amelia's mom asked, as I stood waiting.
"Great. I'm falling in love with California." I replied, a slight smile on my face.
"With California or someone there?" She asked.
My smile widened. "Both."
"Girl, who is he?"
I had found a long time ago that Emily and I got along very well. And had become friends since I'd been hanging out with Amelia.
"His name is Joshua. He's thirty-five. Works with the Coast Guard. He's amazing."
"Sounds like it if he got you. So when are you gonna make the leap and move there?"
My heart began beating rapidly in my chest. I hadn't thought about it, but sooner or later one of us would have to move, and more than likely it would have to be me. I didn't see Josh leaving the West Coast anytime soon.
"I don't know. I don't know if I'm ready for all that."
"Let me ask you somethin', whatcha got here? Friends? Family?"
"Well now that y'all are leavin', I got a few friends. Family's in Arkansas, so I guess I ain't got much. My job."
"But Jo, with your job skills, you could move to California and find a job in a split second and you know it. Look, I know we ain't been friends for long, but quit bein' so scared of life. It's gonna pass you by and then what are you gonna be left with? If Joshua asked ya tomorrow to marry him, what would your answer be?"
"No."
"What?!" She asked, and for a second I thought her eyes were going to pop out of her head.
"We've been datin' seriously since two days before Thanksgivin'. Man would be crazy to ask me to marry him."
She laughed as Amelia came walking in with Charles, her dad. "Alright, fair enough. Follow you're heart, though. You deserve happiness."
"Jo!" Amelia squealed as she ran over and threw her arms around me.
"Hey, sweet pea. You ready to go eat?" I asked, squeezing her gently.
"Yes! Can we go to Chuck E. Cheese's?"
"Amelia! No ma'am." Charles interjected.
"Well, I don't mind Charles. If it's alright with y'all I'd love to take her to Chuck E. Cheese's."
Charles looked at Emily, and I noticed that they were having a silent conversation which got me to wondering; does every married couple do that?
"Alright. I don't see the harm in it. Y'all have fun." Charles replied which got Amelia jumping for joy.
I stood and let Amelia drag me to the door. "Here Jo. Take this, I don't want you payin' for the whole thing." Charles said, handing me a twenty.
I smiled, "Charles, thank you, but please let me do this. It's the last time I'm gonna be able to hang out with her, it's my treat."
He sighed heavily. "Oh alright. Have fun, let us know if she's any trouble."
My smile widened. "She's never any trouble. I'll have her back in a little while."
After I dropped Amelia off back at home I went by the office, grabbed a small box of demos I hadn't gotten around to listening to, and went home. I wasn't feeling up to going back to the office, I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. I was going to miss them, but I knew they didn't have a choice. While I was out, I stopped by The Cheesecake Factory and ordered food. As I was sitting there waiting for my phone began to ring. It was Ashley. I ignored it and put my phone back in my purse on silent. I didn't feel like talking to anyone, not Josh, not Mike, and especially not Ashley.
I got home, poured me a drink and took a long, hot bath. It was relaxing, but it didn't last as long as I really wanted it to because I didn't want to eat cold food. My hair was in a messy bun, the ends slightly damp from the bath and the humidity. I shrugged as I pulled my baggy t-shirt over my head. No one is here to see the hot mess you are. Go pig out, watch a movie and ignore the world for a little while. I thought as I grabbed a pillow and blanket from the bed.
I was laying on the couch, an old black and white movie playing, the open food containers on the coffee table; my phone began to buzz. I looked at it and noticed it was Josh. I sighed heavily, fighting with myself on whether or not I should answer. Answer the damn phone. He ain't done nothin', just cause you're down, don't take it out on him. I rolled my eyes and answered. "Hey."
"Hey. I was beginning to wonder if you were gonna answer."
"I was thinkin' 'bout it," I replied, taking a sip of my drink.
"Did I do something?"
"No. Just a rough day. How was your day?"
He was quiet for a few seconds before answering. "Not as bad as yours. What happened?"
"I don't know if it's 'cause I'm just, blah, right now or what. Tell me if you're irritated with me, though." I said, almost throwing the food carton on the table.
"I'm not irritated at all. Just wish I could be there for you." He replied, sounding hurt.
"Sorry. Amelia's leavin' in the mornin'. Took all I had not to cry when I dropped her off today. Ash and I are irritated with each other. I don't know, just feel like it's a good time to hide from the world. Take a breather."
"Why are you two irritated with one another?"
"Well when she called last night, I was less than enthusiastic to talk apparently. She asked if we broke up, I asked her if we were s'posed to. She said no, but then I explained to her that I was just tired, and how this week's just packed. I don't know, I really don't. This is how I get when depression comes rollin' in. It hits without a warnin' and I'm down for a few days. This feels worse than normal."
"What can I do to help?" he asked, the background getting quiet and that's when I realized he probably wasn't at home.
"Are you out? Nothin', I'll be fine."
"Yeah, I'm hanging out with some friends. No, Joanna, that's not how this works. I want to help you."
I sighed. "You cain't. I know you want too, but you just cain't Josh. Then Emily, Amelia's mom asked about if things got serious between us was I gonna move. I don't know. This long distance thing is just, it's tirin'." I had the sudden realization that I was tired, tired of trying. Tire of flying. Tired of being in a relationship, even though it hadn't even been a week it felt like an eternity already. I knew it was just the depression, but it was hard to distinguish between real feelings and those that depression made me have.
"Well," he paused. Probably looking for the best way to say it. You ready Jo? You really ready? No, I'm not. I thought. "If you want to take a step back I'll understand. Maybe we're moving too fast."
"I don't know what I want." What the hell are you thinkin'?! Tell him no, you want to be with him, you're just in a slump. Tell him!
"Well, I want you to be happy. If that means it's easier without me I understand."
Say something! Don't screw this up. You love him and you know it! This isn't movin' too fast, but you're damn sure gonna regret this in the mornin' if you don't tell him somethin'. "I'm happier with you. This sadness just makes me want nothin'. Does that make sense? Probably not. It's like this void inside me, there's a darkness swirlin' and it's tryin' to swallow me alive. Give me a few days and I'll be better you'll see. Right now, though, I just want to watch my movie, eat my crap food and wallow. I want you to go back to havin' fun with your friends. I love you, have a great day at work tomorrow. I'll call you when I'm better." With that, I hung up before he could say anything, and just covered my head with the blanket. I was ready to hibernate.
Chapter 17
Almost a week passed before I had talked to anyone. Ashley had called me every day and I ignored her, I didn't want to talk to her. By the time I called Josh things were a little strained until I explained my situation to him. I knew he was trying to understand everything, I also knew it wasn't easy.
"I'm sorry. I'm tryin'."
"I know baby. I just don't know what to do." He said, sounding defeated.
"I don't know either. It's hard, I know it is. It's different for me bein' with somebody who actually cares. I'm just tryin' to wrap my head around that."
He chuckled. "I bet. Nobody else ever cared?"
"No. I'd get down and they'd just be like, 'oh you're fine.' I never was, but I'd put a happy face on and deal. I think that's what made it worse, tryin' to be happy when I wasn't."
"Well, you don't have to pretend now. If at any time you just need time alone, all you have to do is tell me. I mean I was worried, hell yeah, but I just tried to understand. You scared me, though, I really thought we were gonna end up breaking up."
I smiled. "I don't think that'll ever happen. I say some crazy stuff when I'm down, though. Things that at the time I think I want. But enough about this craziness that is me; you got any plans for Christmas?"
"Just hanging out with my parents. Wishing you'd be here, but I understand."
"Thank you. I'm sorry I ain't gonna be there. I think I just need some rest, though. Think about it, I've flown out there twice since that first time in September. Every month I've been on a plane."
I could hear the smile in his voice when he replied. "I know, I know. I still have to surprise you. Hey, the other day Ashley and Mike were talking about being there for Christmas, you're not gonna hang out with them for Christmas?"
I scoffed. "Uh, yeah, probably not. I ain't talked to Ashley in about a week. I just don't really wanna talk to her. She'll have somethin' to say."
He sighed. "Maybe not. She's your best friend. Call her."
"We'll see. I might call her later. I know what she's gonna say, though."
"Maybe not. You can't predict the future unless there's something you wanna tell me."
I laughed. "Nope, no fortune teller here, just a girl who's seen it before."
"Well, maybe that girl should have a little more faith."
I laughed again. "Faith. What's faith? I mean, I used to know what faith was, but I ain't had faith in years. Faith abandoned me like everyone else that was in my life that's left."
"Faith didn't abandon you. Maybe you abandoned faith?"
I took what he said in and mulled it
over for a few minutes. "Maybe you're right, but I do have faith in you, in us. If that's the only faith I have, well then I guess that's all the faith I need."
"No, you need faith in Ashley, in Mike. You need faith in love, in life. Don't put all your faith into one person, one thing. If I've learned anything people are going to fail you on a daily basis, but that shouldn't make you lose faith in other important things. I'm not gonna let you down, at least, I'm gonna try not to let you down. What about faith in God?"
"What about faith in God? I ain't got much, if any faith there."
"Why?"
"Why not?"
We were both quiet for a little while. Our religions and our faith had never come up before. I was a little worried that this conversation was going South.
"Let me ask you something. Do you not have faith in God because you feel like He turned His back too?"
I sighed heavily. "No I don't have faith in God 'cause I was always taught that if you live your life by His word, you'd reap the rewards. So far I've only seen heartbreak and abandonment. Maybe I don't have faith in Him because instead of placin' blame on the ones that deserve it, I blamed Him for everything. I know I shouldn't, I'm fully aware that He's not the one to blame, but it was easier to blame Him for my parent's death. I should've blamed them, but they weren't here so that I could yell at 'em for bein' stupid and leavin' me. So instead, I yelled at Him and turned away from faith. People tell me all the time that I need to find my way back, but I think holdin' onto the anger and hate for some imaginary person in the sky is easier than hatin' my parents, hatin' Lance."
"Maybe it's time to start being angry at the people you should be angry at. Ask for forgiveness. Jo, I love you, but you've got to let go of the past and start working on your future."
"Maybe you're right, but it's hard for me to pray. It's been hard for a long time."
"Why?"
"'Cause if I wanted to talk to myself I would."
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