by Clara Bayard
"…I saw them. I'm telling you. The big guy drummer and the sweet looking one.
The other girl grinned and grabbed her friend's arm. "Oh wow. I would die. Did you say anything?"
"No. But I would have if he had been there."
"You would have fainted."
"In his arms, maybe."
"Oh, that would be heaven."
"No kidding! Can you image? Him looking down at you with those amazing blue eyes."
I smiled to myself and stifled a snort. They were talking about Joe. My Joe. It was still staggering to think he wanted me, but as we'd grown closer I'd started to accept it. And he was Joe to me, not just the dreamy front man of Dream Defiled.
Part of my wanted to be a teenager again, gossiping with these girls and telling them my secret, that I was the one in Joe's arms. But I wouldn't really do it. Talk to strangers about my life or brag about the man I was growing to care for deeply.
But the girls inspired me and I held on to what mattered. The giddy excitement of being with there, and let go of the rest of the nonsense. The bullshit that surrounded him, as Joe put it.
I checked my hair and makeup in a mirror and walked over to the front of the lobby to wait for everyone else. They arrived, sending the space buzzing with activity and conversation. I thought I recognized voices the teen girls from before, high with excitement as the band strode towards the front door. I was swept up in their wake and we all boarded the bus together.
As Beth had explained, once we got to the club I climbed off with most of the crew while the band and Ryan stayed behind. Beth stood outside, waiting for whatever local journalist was coming to chat with the guys.
I got my "All Access" pass and entered the club. People rushed around purposefully and I was happy to retreat to the quiet of a small dressing room. There was a tray of food and a refrigerator filled with beer and water. I flipped through a couple of magazines idly and time passed quickly. I heard music and guessed it was the guys doing their rehearsal. I knew from what Beth had explained that the person interviewing the band would be sitting on that and taking photographs. Wait, it wasn't called a rehearsal. They referred to it as a sound check. The fact that I knew that term made me laugh and I called my friend Kelly to tell her what an expert on the live music scene I was becoming.
She squealed when she answered the phone and ordered me to tell her every single detail of my trip so far. I managed to keep a few facts to myself but gave enough information to satisfy her. It was petty, I know, but deep down I liked the bit of envy in her voice.
For the past few years I'd been the one at home, bored and tired of the same old thing while Kelly regaled me with tales of her new life and friends in college. Now it was my turn. And certainly touring with a rock band, even for just a few weeks was a lot more exciting and interesting than going to the local university where seventy-five percent of our graduating class ended up. I was the one embracing everything the world had to offer, and to her credit, Kelly was excited for me. Hell, without her prodding I probably never would have made it down here.
My phone beeped, telling me the battery was low and I realized we'd been on for a long time. I promised to call soon and told Kelly goodbye. I sat there for a moment, missing her but happy with the choice I made.
The quiet moment was lost when I heard some kind of commotion outside and peeked out to see what was going on. I caught sight of Dex laughing loudly and walking into a room down the hall. Figuring that meant they were done with the pre-show work, I followed.
By the time I got to the doorway everyone was in there. Joe was doing shots of something dark with a guy I didn't recognize. The rest of the band was scattered around the room with at least a dozen people I'd never seen before.
Instead of joining them I just watched for a while. No one was looking in my direction so I could observe them unnoticed. Joe was getting a bit drunk. I could tell by the way his body slouched and the volume of his voice grew louder.
"Tired of those questions, you know? I'm just a dumb rock guy. I don't have some tortured soul to bare for them. I just wanna play music."
I knew that wasn't true. There was a soft, sensitive side to him that came out when no one was looking. And when they were sometimes, even if he didn't realize it. The song he'd written for me and shared with the world without thinking. That sweet lopsided grin that meant real happiness.
But, as I was coming to understand, Joe didn't want his innermost thoughts and feelings public. He projected the image of simple fun guy to protect himself, keep something private from the world. It must be hard to hide a part of you like that and not lose it altogether, I thought.
It kind of made my heart hurt to think about, but I was spotted before I could get sappy about it.
"Liss, love. Get in here and drink with us," Dex said, throwing his arms wide.
I smiled shyly as all eyes in the room focused on me. Joe winked and motioned for me to come sit by him. I went over and perched on the arm of the sofa next to him.
"Hi babe. I missed you." He rubbed my bare thigh, sending a thrill through my body. "I'd introduce you to everyone but I don't know any of their names. The ones over there in the skinny jeans are the opening act, Recoil. I have no idea who these other people are, but they brought extra booze so we love them. Just wave and have some bourbon."
With a laugh I took the offered shot and gulped it down. I grimaced and got up to grab a beer from the table.
There was a blonde girl standing by the beers wearing a string bikini top and denim shorts. She looked me up and down before moving out of the way.
"Hi. Who are you here with," she asked in a tiny breathy voice I knew was as fake as the massive breasts capping her tiny frame.
"Joe."
"Oh, cool."
We stood awkwardly for a moment as I struggled to not stare at the massive amount of skin she was displaying. "Um…what about you?"
She giggled. "I'm what you call a freelancer. Up for whatever, you know?"
I didn't, but I could imagine.
"Oh. Well I was just going to get a drink."
"Yeah, cool."
I smiled blankly and took a beer. From behind me Dex's voice rang out asking for one too, so I grabbed another, nodded at the girl and headed back.
When I handed the beer over he arched an eyebrow and leered at me. "Who's your little friend over there, Liss?"
"I have no idea. But I'm sure she'd be happy to make your acquaintance."
"She would if she knew what the word acquaintance meant," Joe said dryly.
I slapped him on the arm. "Be nice."
He rolled his eyes as Dex chugged his beer and then stood up to go introduce himself. "Sorry, babe. But groupies? Such a cliché."
"Whatever. No point pretending you were a monk before I came along."
He pulled me into his lap and I squirmed. "As far as I'm concerned there was never anyone before you."
"Uh huh." I kissed him and stood up again, hoping I hadn't hurt his legs.
Soon the members of the opening band and most of the strangers in the room started filing out as show time grew closer. Joe and the other guys lounged comfortably, preserving their energy. And drinking a lot. I was still amazed how much liquor they could put away before a show, but Joe swore they sweated most of it out, and had grown accustomed to playing buzzed. I was just glad most of them were happy drunks. With the exception of Rick, of course. But he was rude sober too, so it didn't make much of a difference.
Ryan came running in at some point in a panic as it seemed Dex had disappeared with his new friend. He ordered the other band members to the dressing rooms and sent a cadre of random people whose jobs I didn't understand to find the missing bass player.
Fortunately Dex reappeared in time, with a smile on his face and smears of lipstick all over his neck. We all walked to the stage together and I took up my now customary place in a corner out of the way that left me able to watch the show. Beth offered to escort me into the audience but I
liked watching Joe perform with a little privacy.
When Joe went back onstage for the encore he kept glancing over at me while the others took their places. I was certain he couldn't see me, but it made me smile to know he was trying. I'd never felt so cherished before. I was getting drunk on his attention, and happily so.
He spoke into the microphone, his voice just the slightest bit hoarse. And insanely sexy.
"Some of you have heard this next song on the internet. We haven't even recorded yet, but I feel a strong need to sing it tonight. Fellas, I hope you don't mind."
He spared a glance for each member of the band and I heard someone, probably Dex, laughing.
"All right then," Joe continued. "This is 'Spark'."
Listening to him sing it again warmed me all over. I thought back to our first meeting, the first casual touch that shocked us and flared into attraction. It felt like a million years ago. The slow drums and sensual guitar backing added a new layer to the song. It was sweet still, but with a new undercurrent of sex, like he was reaching out to caress my body with each soulful note.
Breathless, I watched with my complete attention. I knew Joe loved playing their loudest raucous songs but this is where his talent really shone through. Every person in that club was as entranced as me. Five hundred bodies living for each sound. It was beautiful and powerful and amazing. Just like Joe.
As the song ended I stumbled out of the wings, headed for Joe's dressing room. They were starting up another number but I didn't need to hear it.
I was standing by the threadbare loveseat, tears spilling over when he entered, a look of confusion on his face.
"Liss! There you are. Did you…Hey, what's wrong?"
I smiled. "Nothing. Everything is so perfect I can barely stand it."
"Huh?" He came over and wrapped me in a tight embrace. "You're a little nuts, babe. You know that?"
"Yeah, I know." I held him tight, breathing deeply, taking in the familiar scent of his sweat. I ran my hands up and down his damp back, nuzzling at his neck.
"Shit, I'm all sweaty. I didn't even get a towel. When I came offstage and you were gone I was worried."
"I'm sorry. I'm fine, just needed a minute."
"That's okay. I like having you all to myself."
The rush of emotion that had overwhelmed me faded and I pulled back to kiss him on the lips. "I like that too."
"Mmm. If we hadn't promised to hang with the guys tonight I'd take you home and show you all my favorite things to do when we're alone."
I shook my head. "No way. I'm not getting in the way of your party time. I won't be the fun-killer."
"As if you could." He ground his crotch against me and I could feel the burgeoning hardness through his pants.
"How much time do we have before someone comes looking?"
"Twenty, maybe. Dex is organizing the night and that takes him a while."
"It'll do." I shoved him away from me and onto the loveseat.
Joe landed, laughing. "What are you doing?"
"Taking advantage of what time we have." And with that I stepped closer and fell to my knees, spreading his thighs and moving between them.
"Liss, you don't have to-"
"Shush. I'm busy down here."
"But…" he trailed off as my fingers opened his pants and reached inside.
I pulled what I found out and watched it lengthen and thicken in my hand. He was hard and hot under my fingers as I lowered my mouth and licked the tip.
Joe grabbed my free hand and laced our fingers together. His grip tightened as I closed my lips around his erection and started sucking. I bobbed my head up and down slowly, taking him in as far as I could and pulling back again so only the head rested in my mouth.
He groaned and his head fell back, the muscles in his bare chest rippling as he struggled to sit still.
I held the base securely and swirled my tongue around, enjoying the texture and taste of his most intimate flesh. In the past oral sex was something I'd hated, but with Joe I wanted to share everything. It didn't feel demeaning to service him like this, it felt wonderful. He'd known, even from that first night, how to coax pleasure from my body and I loved returning the favor.
And knowing the man who had enraptured such a crowd minutes earlier was mine thrilled me. As my pace sped up it became more difficult for Joe to control himself. He breathed heavily and new beads of sweat formed along the long line of his torso.
I reached beneath his member and cupped the smooth sac there while sucking him in deep.
"Liss. God," he gasped and struggled to pull away.
But I wouldn't let him. He filled my mouth and I rode the wave with him, softening my suction and touch as his shuddering breaths slowed and his hips stopped bucking.
Joe pulled me up by the shoulders and I curled around him, his head cradled over my breasts. We rested there for a while, still holding hands and then rose to get decent before anyone came in.
The rest of the night was fantastic, too. I felt like I was floating and didn't even want to drink as the group traveled from one bar to another, entourage growing.
I spent the entire evening with Joe never letting me out of hand's reach. Most of it with his arm slung over my shoulder or hand caressing my thigh. I'd never laughed or danced so much, but I didn't even feel tired until we staggered into the hotel as the sun was rising. If this was life on the road I was happy for it to continue forever.
Chapter Five
The next few days passed in a blur. We were in a new city every day and I'd stopped even trying to remember the names. Days and nights got confused and everyone was starting to wither under the breakneck pace.
So, when Ryan announced the band was getting our first day in the state capital off, we all celebrated loud enough to disturb the people in cars around the bus. But for Joe, the excitement was short-lived. While the other would be sleeping in and doing whatever else they did for fun, he had a full afternoon scheduled. I guess before meeting him I never noticed how much extra work the front man did, and he generally bore it well, but I saw the disappointment on his face.
I was in the middle of planning a trip to a local salon with Beth and I excused myself and took him into the back bedroom.
"You okay?"
"Yeah," he said, sinking down onto the bed heavily. "I just wish I could stay with you. I don't feel like being a rock star today."
I hugged him tight from behind and rested my cheek against his neck. "You'll be okay. Get your work done and come home to me. We'll just veg out tonight."
"That sounds wonderful. I…" There was something ragged and pained in his voice and I spun him around so I could look into his eyes.
"What is it?"
"Nothing. Ugh." Joe raked his hands through his hair a few times and sank down onto the bed. "It's stupid."
"Hey." I took his hand and joined him so we were sitting hip to hip, facing the closed door. "Talk to me."
"I'm just tired, I guess. And wishing I had some more time."
"For me? I don't feel neglected."
He smiled humorlessly. "For you. For me. For anything."
I kissed him on the neck and tucked my body in close to his. "Things will settle down. Once this leg of the tour is over you get a break, right?"
"Maybe. Ryan's talking about getting us some studio time and then heading right back out."
"You can't let him run you ragged, Joe."
"I know. But we have to 'embrace our momentum' or some such bullshit."
"To hell with that. You have to take care of yourself. Your career is nothing if you're miserable."
Joe looked at me and smiled, with feeling behind it this time. "You're right. And I do love this. But I just feel sorry for myself sometimes, I guess. Poor little me."
I slapped his shoulder lightly. "Stop that. There's nothing wrong with wanting – no, needing – a break."
"Yeah, I guess." He stretched out and pulled me with him, wrapping me in a tight hug. "I love just having a minu
te like this to talk to you. No one listening or judging or taking my fucking picture."
"It's just us right now."
"Thank god for that. Sometimes I think I'm disappearing. Like who I really am is getting eaten by this image or idea other people have about me. The guy in interviews is taking over every part of my life and there's nothing left of me. Nothing left for me."
"There's me. I'm here for you. Just you."
He kissed me, deeply, soulfully. There was nothing sexual or teasing, just intense connection, like my words and my presence made him able to breathe.
As we lay there, holding on to each other, ignoring everything else in the world my heart ached. I was so touched that Joe felt he could share his most intimate feelings with me, and honored that I could help him feel better. But there was a tiny ball of fear inside me. Fear that what had seemed like a fun experience was turning into something else. Something deeper and more important. My heart opened to him more every day and I worried it might get broken in a way I couldn't heal.
~*~
That evening Joe and I had our first argument and I couldn't help but wonder if it was partially in reaction to what had happened before. If being so open and honest with me scared him.
We met up back at the hotel and I could see the exhaustion from the second I walked in. He was on the bed with a beer watching a movie on pay-per-view. I was going to ask what the plot was, but I saw enough explosions and car chases to realize it didn't matter. I'd been excited to show him my sassy new haircut, but it seemed silly once I actually opened my mouth to say anything.
"How was your day," I asked, kicking a pile of clothes out of the way so I could put my shopping bag in the closet.