“Listen,” his voice was almost a whisper and I wondered if one of his roommates had returned, “I think we can help each other. It sounds fucking corny but it’s the truth.”
“Can’t you see how messed up I am?” I yelled through my tears. “I’m jaded and find it hard to love myself. How am I supposed to help you?”
“You’re the most honest person I’ve come into contact with, that’s how.”
I considered his admission for a moment. He found it hard to put himself out there, that much I could tell. I, on the other hand just threw it all down to be stared at without letting anyone know the real me. I found the idea of letting Mason in painful to the point that I wanted to scream. It was because he was right.
Chapter 5
Leaving Mason’s place had put me in a bad spot. My bed at the shelter was filled the second I threw my locker key on the counter and left. There was no way in hell that I would suffer a blow to my fake ass pride and go back to his apartment. In the end, I slept, if you can call it that, up against a blue city dumpster behind the Target.
Now, I went to school and graduated…I was smart enough to know he would find me and I knew it wouldn’t take him long. There was just no avoiding him. Honestly, I didn’t want to avoid him. Granted the half assed seduction would make things awkward.
I found myself wondering just what happened to him in his past to cause the pain I saw in his eyes. Hell, I didn’t know much about him. It could be something recent. It could have been the fact that he screwed more random chicks than humanly possible or that could have been an embellishment of my sick, sick mind. I sat on my high horse and accused him of judging me but I judged him right back.
With my bag in hand I sought out the bleeding girl once again, hoping Mason would drive by and see me.
I cocked my head to the left as I slid down, ass first to the sidewalk. She was still there, still bleeding, except I thought about the things Mason had told me the night before. Unfortunately, it seems those things were easier said than done because I had run at the first sign of rejection.
“You aren’t helping,” I told the pale painted girl. “You think it’s so easy to change shit, don’t you. If it’s so easy, stop bleeding.”
Had anyone walked by at that moment I would have been committed, no question. Luckily, the sidewalk was almost empty. I was talking to a painting for Christs sake, honestly.
Exhaustion crept up slowly as I sat there. When it became hard to keep my eyes open, I rested my forehead against my knees and let sleep take me.
An arm snaked around my shoulders and woke me. I didn’t know how long I’d been there, sleeping. I knew it was Mason without even looking up at him. He was the only one stupid enough to keep coming back.
“I’m pretty pathetic huh?” I asked him in a muffled voice.
“Just as pathetic as I am, which makes us even. I brought you some breakfast.”
I lifted my head and he shoved a brown paper bag at me. “Thanks.” I took it and pulled a muffin from the sack.
“You know, every time we end up here I find something else about that painting that I didn’t notice before.”
“Oh yeah?” I asked, forgetting about the hell night we’d had.
Mason stood and moved closer to the glass. “Her nails are bloody. It’s not just her eyes. Can you see it, just here?” He tapped at the window.
“What do you think that means?” I refused to budge.
“I’m not sure…it’s a mystery. Just as mysterious as you.” He loomed over me, staring directly into my eyes.
I stopped chewing my muffin and tossed it back into the bag. “I’m sorry about last night OK?”
He kneeled down to my level. “I haven’t ever been fully committed to anything that isn’t music or acting, I just can’t follow through. Yet, here I am…”
I decided to change the subject quickly. There was no way I wanted to talk commitment with him. “You mentioned a sister last night?”
He nodded.
“I had a sister once. She couldn’t paint but she loved whales.” I smiled slightly and turned my face to the cement.
“Had? As in past tense?”
My chest clenched. I could feel the familiar ache creeping back in. “Yeah, past tense.”
It was his turn to change the subject. “Hey, have you ever considered acting? I bet you would be good at it.”
I looked up, surprised. He was grinning and obviously making fun. “That was an asshole thing to say. I’m allergic to the entertainment business.”
There was no way I would act. Just the thought of it made me want to laugh out loud. It was absolutely ridiculous. Mason seemed to think I would be good at it but one look at me and I would be sent back out the door I’d shuffled through to begin with.
“You’re quiet,” Mason said, breaking the silence.
“I was thinking…wondering actually, why you put up with my shit, why you insist on helping me.”
His knuckles turned white as he made two perfect fists. “Have you ever felt invisible, Fallyn? Even though people see you every day?”
The question was not what I was expecting. “Um, well I know what you mean.” My voice cracked and I cringed, hoping he would continue.
“I feel that way, a lot. Like no one cares to know the real me. There was something about you and the way you just told me how it was that interested me. It sounds selfish, I know.” He glanced over at me but I just smiled.
“Guess I should be honest about something then…I’m not as tough as I look, Mason.”
“Doesn’t matter,” he said. “Being see through would be boring right? How would you ever find that one person who just got you despite all the garbage?”
He brought up a good point. “Is that why you enjoy acting so much? I mean there are infinite possibilities on people you could be.”
Rather than answer me, he pulled a folded, yellow sheet of paper from his back pocket and tossed it into my lap. I picked it up as if something was going to hop out and bite me.
“Just open it for Christ’s sake.” He was smiling which made me feel a little better.
“An audition? Why in the hell would you give me this?” I almost yelled.
“I think you can do it,” he admitted, running a hand through his messy hair. “If you get it, it’s quick money. If not, then you’re no worse off, right?”
He looked so excited, like a kid in a candy store, that I couldn’t say no. I would rather chew my own leg off than step in front of some arrogant, judgmental fucks but I didn’t want that genuine smile on Mason’s face to fade.
“I’ll give it a try.” This could be it. This could be my ticket off the streets.
***
I stepped out of Mason’s bathroom for the second time in twenty-four hours, except I had more clothes on the second time around. He really wanted me to audition for some television show and I had agreed. There was no way I would get the part but just to shut him the hell up, I’d said yes.
He was beginning to grow on me; I kinda liked him. There was a decent guy deep down in there somewhere.
“You look great,” he exclaimed when I rounded the corner and entered the living room.
“Yeah well, new clothes and a hot shower would make anyone look better.” New clothes, courtesy of my last ten dollars and the Goodwill shop.
He shook his head, disagreeing. “No, there is something else. You’ve got that look that sets you apart.”
“Honestly, I don’t know if I should be flattered or smack you in the face right now.”
Mason stood to admire me closer. “It’s your eyes.”
I picked at the hem of my shirt, turning said eyes toward the floor. “They’ve seen more than their fair share of bullshit…”
“So, do you want to work on your audition?” He asked, handing me a bottle of water.
“No,” I said shaking my head. “I don’t want to think about it at all. Let’s just sit here in silence.”
He laughed and fell to the
couch. “Let’s say you get the job…what is the first thing you’ll buy with your first paycheck?”
I pursed my lips and truly thought long and hard about the answer. There were so many things I’d gone without. “I would rent an apartment.”
“There’s an empty one bedroom on the first floor here.”
“So you can spy on me you creeper…fuck that. Besides, if I’m going to be some big time actor I’ll be able to afford a better place than this.” I was actually joking with this guy. I couldn’t believe it.
Mason checked his phone and then stood, smoothing the wrinkles from his shirt. “Very funny. It’s about that time. Do you want a ride?”
I grabbed my bag and headed for the door. “I’m going alone; I’ll walk.”
“Break a leg, Fallyn.” His smile was bright and…real. If anything I wanted to get the damn part just because Mason really thought I could.
For some reason, I had grown a pair and agreed to do something that was completely out of my element. Sure, it was quick money but I knew nothing about acting. I knew Jill used to sleep with any dick in Hollywood to get a part. Hell if I would ever do such a thing. I did try to sleep with Mason but…that was different. It sounded like a bad excuse in my head. When the building came into view I knew there was no way.
At least twenty pair of perky paid for titties waited patiently for a turn. I signed in and when the lady asked me for a head shot I choked. In my world, that was something Jill did for money or a place to say. I explained to the woman I didn’t have a head shot. She frowned but looked at my name and let the subject drop.
Suspicious.
About five minutes after I got there, the same woman who had taken my name walked around, passing out a sheet of paper.
“I know you all studied the first monologue but that won’t be the one you’ll use today.”
I snatched the paper and glared. I hadn’t even read the first one. My eyes skimmed the material and I wanted to murder Mason Jennings.
Lonely, homeless girl. Did he think that shit was funny?
Acting my ass…I wouldn’t have to act at all. I could stroll in that bitch and just be myself. Maybe that’s why he was so sure I would get it. Compared to the other girls in the room, I even looked the part. He was pushing me to do something, which should have pissed me off. It didn’t. I couldn’t be angry with him but believe me, I damn well tried.
I resisted the urge to run out of that waiting room and never look back. I bounced my foot, picked my nails and stared hatefully at each perky bitch that sauntered past. One by one they disappeared and the emptier the room got, the more relaxed I felt. When someone finally came to get me, there was only one person left.
My heart beat solidly against my ribcage as I entered the small room. There was one rectangle table with two people sitting behind it. They stood and smiled when I approached them.
“It’s so nice to meet you Fallyn. We’re sorry about the last minute script change.”
“That’s alright,” I answered, looking the woman directly in the eyes. She seemed friendly enough. “Should I…?” I motioned toward the x made of tape on the floor.
“Yes, please. Take the mark there and we’ll get the camera ready.”
“Camera?” Wow, I was clueless.
The woman sighed and moved toward a small Sony camcorder on a tripod. “We’ll be filming this to see how you look on video. It’s normal.”
I nodded and took a deep breath. The words I’d read on the sheet of paper were running through my mind and I almost cringed. The feeling of knowing you’d lost everything was what came rushing back. I thought about moving all my shit into storage and how much I had cried. I thought about not being able to pay the storage fee and losing all my things to some auction. Worst of all I thought of not having anyone to go through it with me.
Apparently I had delivered every line provided to me without a mistake because when I came back into myself the two people behind the table looked thrilled. There was no way to know what had just happened for sure because I definitely had an out of body experience. For the first time in years, I felt as if I’d accomplished something.
I thanked everyone, gathered my things and left after that. My feet carried me slowly but my heart was racing. I dug for my phone as I walked along, toward Mason’s place. It was unlike me, but the first thing I did when I found the damn thing was call him.
“Hey, how did it go?” Apparently he had been expecting my call.
“Uh…well I don’t know how I did but I think it went well.”
“You think?”
The warm feeling of success was still present in the pit of my stomach. “I think I’m good at this. Can you believe I’m happy about auditioning? Fucking crazy.”
Mason chuckled. “I hate to say I told you so-”
“-then don’t say that shit or I’ll elbow you in the face.”
“You are so damn violent!”
I was smiling so big my cheeks were starting to hurt. “Who cares. I’m on my way back and we’ll see how tough you are.”
“Oh Fallyn…I like this exuberant side of you. How about dinner to celebrate?” He was a sneaky one. Asking me out while I was high on self satisfaction.
“Fine, we’ll eat dinner but it has to be pizza or something. Nothing fancy until I get the part.”
“Got it. You sound so certain, I should make reservations for that dinner right now.”
I took a moment to think over my response. I didn’t want to go complete fool and say something that would make myself sick. “It was an eye opening experience and for that I have to say thanks.”
Chapter 6
Looking back, I would say that what happened between Mason and I wasn’t a mistake…it just happened too soon. I can take stock of my life today and know that if I had the chance to go back and change things I would. It would have saved us both a lot of heartache…
Mid-June 2009
I wasn’t one to ask for much, especially money…but when the time got low on my handy little cell phone I panicked and almost begged Mason to buy some more airtime. Any day the call would come through that decided my fate, any day.
Two weeks, two long weeks had passed since my acting epiphany.
Mason was smooth enough to talk me into staying over every now and then. I only hung around when his roommates were gone. That was a conversation I wasn’t quite ready for.
“OK, I had to go to three different gas stations but I found one,” Mason said, getting in his car and tossing me the card.
“Good thing I sat here and read my magazine then,” I said with a laugh.
“You saw me walking all over hell and creation…yet you sat here, in the air conditioner and read Star magazine? You know that shit will rot your brain right?”
I fake pouted. “I like fake gossip. It makes the day go by faster.”
He started the car and pulled out into traffic. “All I have to say is, if you were in that piece of crap rag mag then your story would be different.”
“Don’t be a hater because no one writes lies about you, Mason.”
He rolled his eyes and turned the stereo on, drowning me out. Ignoring his attempt to ignore me, I scratched the back off the air card and added the time to my phone. I snapped it shut and dropped it in my bag. My head fell back against the black leather seat, my eyes trained on the passing sights. We had spent a lot of time just driving around in his car, listening to the radio and basking in the silence.
“Have you ever been to the Santa Monica Pier?” He asked me suddenly.
I was slightly startled but answered. “Yeah, about a year ago.” My eyes fell back to the passing buildings and cars.
“What about Malibu?”
“I’ve never been to Malibu. Why are you interrogating me?” I shot him a trademark hateful look.
His mouth opened to answer but the shrill, annoying ringer on my phone interrupted him. Our eyes went to my bag on the floor.
“It’s them,” I said, practica
lly diving for the phone. As much as the seat belt would allow anyway. “Hello?” I sounded like I’d just ran a marathon.
“Ms. Michaels…this is Julie. We met at the casting.”
“Yes, hi.” What was the protocol on talking to casting directors? There was some paper shuffling and I wanted to choke Julie for making me wait.
“Well, it’s great news, Fallyn. We would like to offer you the role and congratulate you on such an amazing audition.”
My heart faltered a bit with her words. I got it…I GOT IT. “Thank you so much for calling, Julie. This means a lot to me, honestly.” I could see Mason’s eyes grow big from the corner of my eye.
Vicious Circles Page 4