Vicious Circles

by Leann Andrews

  I felt like shit. He was apologizing to me for something he had nothing to do with. “You didn’t do anything Chris. I just shouldn’t have gone out that night, plain and simple.” I sighed and lit my cigarette.

  Chris relaxed a bit, knowing I wasn’t angry at him. “You and Mason seem to have it made.”

  If you only knew. “We have our moments but mostly we’re golden. I’m lucky to have him.”

  “He’s lucky to have you…” Chris said. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I have seen a positive change in Mason since you came along. I mean, he wasn’t a dickhead or anything. He just seems happier. I saw you at the premiere and I wanted to tell you then…but I didn’t.”

  A smile spread across my face. “Well, that makes everything worth it then.”

  Chris laughed and stood, wiping the ass of his jeans. “Lynn told me you were awesome; I’m glad to finally meet you properly myself.”

  I looked up and grinned once again. “I try. Just don’t ever catch me on a bad day.”

  “Deal,” he said rubbing the top of my head playfully. “I’m going in to see what the band of brothers are up to.” He walked a little and turned again. “Smoking will stunt your growth. Just look at Mason.”

  I laughed as he disappeared inside. There was no reason for me to have feared any of Mason’s friends.

  December – Christmas Eve/Day 2009

  I hadn’t swallowed a Percocet since Mason supervised the flushing of every one I had on Thanksgiving. There was a period of a week or two where my body just craved it and I acted like a total bitch. I was nauseous and sweaty for about three days. After that I took to verbally breaking Mason down whenever he got near me. He didn’t flinch and I suspected he knew deep down that I had become a pill fiend. Then, the day came that I woke up and didn’t feel so bad. I made breakfast, drove myself to work and had a fan-fucking-tastic day. There was somewhat of a tantrum thrown on Mason’s behalf when I banned all alcoholic beverages from the apartment. I figured…squash one demon, squash them all.

  Again, I lucked out with not having to meet the Masons. Since the band was leaving directly after Christmas and headed their way, his parent’s were going to wait to see him. I was fucking relieved to say the least.

  “Merry Christmas,” Mason whispered in my ear.

  I rolled over in bed to face him and covered my mouth with one hand. “It’s Christmas Eve. Have you forgotten the morning breath rule?”

  He laughed and tickled my sides. “Oh my God, I’m so sorry I forgot.” He grinned. “Well go brush your damn teeth and come right back so I can give you an early Christmas present.”

  “What if I don’t come back?” I asked, trying to be coy. “What if I want to go bake sugar cookies?”

  “Don’t toy with my nether region woman. It’s Christmas for fuck sake.”

  The look on his face was priceless. I burst into laughter and was still laughing as I brushed my teeth. Much to his dismay, I showered as well and didn’t return to bed. He was sitting on the couch in a pair of jeans, talking on his cell phone when I emerged from the bedroom.

  “Lynn just called,” he said, holding his hand over the mouthpiece of his phone.

  I found my phone and cleared the missed call before calling her back. “Hey Lynn. You called?”

  “Yes! I’m so glad you called me right back. Listen I have serious last minute gift shopping to do and I can’t possibly go in my car. I need something with a bigger trunk.”

  “It’s Christmas Eve. Are you mental?” I shuddered at the thought of going anywhere in LA that wasn’t a gas station or fast food joint a day before Christmas.

  “Please…” she begged shamelessly.

  I turned and looked at Mason in all his shirtless glory. I had planned on sexing him up after making cookies. Then again, I couldn’t let Lynn go in her car. I remembered the last time she tried to shove a large purchase in her trunk. It ended up on PCH in the middle of the road..

  “Fine…FINE,” I agreed. “Meet me here. I’m already dressed.”

  “What did Lynn want?” Mason asked as he ended his own call.

  “Apparently she didn’t buy enough shit so we’re going back to hell to get some more. Oh and she needs me to drive because her trunk just isn’t big enough.” I rolled my eyes even though I didn’t mind helping her out.

  “Well, you remember the television don’t you?” He was referring to the item that fell out on PCH.

  I laughed. “And that’s why I’m going.”

  ***

  “What did you end up getting Mason for Christmas?” Lynn asked from the passenger seat of my car on the way back from shopping.

  “I got him the guitar strap, with the monogram.” I sighed because I had wanted to get him something so much better. Without the drugs running through my system I felt less sure about my gift.

  “He’s going to love it, Fallyn. Stop worrying.”

  I pulled the car up to my building and let Lynn out. While she was getting into her own car, Mason got into mine.

  “What are you ladies doing now? You’ve been gone most of the day.”

  “I’m following Lynn back to her place to unload her loot and then I’m all yours.” I grinned at him. “Have you been waiting for me long?”

  “No, I actually was bringing in your present from the trunk of my car. Now I’m going with you.”

  I smirked at him as I did my best to follow Lynn’s car in the holiday traffic. He turned the radio up and slipped his left hand into mine as it sat over the gearshift. We rode in the car like that often; in silence with the music playing loudly in the background. It suited us and it relaxed me.

  His presence was calming. We eventually made it to Lynn’s and I helped her unload her bags. Mason hugged her and I handed her a small box.

  “Merry Christmas, Lynn. It’s not much because I didn’t know what to get you.”

  She took the box and smiled. “I got you something too but you won’t actually get it until after Christmas.”

  I gave her a hug and a confused look. “I’ll take your word for it.”

  Mason and I both shed our clothes when we got back to my apartment. He fell back along the couch to call his mother and I got started on the cookies I’d been wanting to bake since Lynn gave me the cookbook. I’d never made sugar cookies and it looked slightly beyond my culinary level but I knew I could bake them.

  The dough was chilling in the fridge when Mason sauntered into the kitchen wearing only his boxer briefs. “How’s the cookie baking, baby?”

  “The dough has to chill for a few hours before I can roll it out,” I said, never once acknowledging he was practically naked.

  He grabbed me from the back and flipped me around until I was sitting on the counter in my John Lennon t-shirt and plain white panties. I squealed a little as he moved himself in between my legs and pulled me to the edge of the counter.

  “You owe me something and I’m collecting right now.” The right side of his mouth slid up into a sideways grin.

  “On the kitchen counter? The same place we eat from?”

  He chuckled darkly. “Precisely my intentions.”

  “Fuck, Mason we can’t do this in the kitchen,” I groaned.

  “Why not?” he asked before he pulled my t-shirt over my head.

  ***

  The kitchen sex blew my mind and I almost forgot about my cookie dough in the fridge. Mason, who still had his wits about him, reminded me. He pulled the cookie cutters I bought from Target and dropped them on the counter in front of me.

  “I don’t want Santa shaped cookies.”

  Mason opened the bag and dumped the cookie cutters out. “What shapes do you want? There isn’t a Santa shaped cookie rule, you know.”

  I laughed and pulled a few letters from the pile. “I want my cookies to say things like, fuck and ass.”

  “Well, it would be the first sugar cookie I ate that spelled out a swear word but I’m game,” he said with an amused look on his face.

  So
, we did just that. We made inappropriate cookies until I couldn’t stand to look at another and then we went to bed. When I cracked my eyes open the next morning, Mason was absent from bed and I could smell the distinct scent of fresh brewed coffee. I sat up, rubbed my eyes and then let my nose guide me to the kitchen. I passed our mini Christmas tree and noticed there was two gifts underneath. I wanted to investigate but the coffee was screaming my name.

  After two cups of coffee, Mason and I exchanged gifts. He loved the guitar strap and couldn’t wait to put it on his instrument. He totally surprised me with his two gifts and I almost cried. For anyone else, a laptop and webcam was a general gift, but to me it was a huge step forward for Mason and myself. He wanted me to be accessible to him while he was on tour and vice versa.

  He’d even set up the internet account for the apartment, which was above and beyond. Mason wasn’t the type of guy to show off or try to impress a woman so, when he went out of his way to make me completely happy, it meant something.

  Chapter 16

  It is very hard to pinpoint the moment my life started to completely unravel. There are so many times I would nominate but, since I’m being honest with myself, I’ll say it was a combination of many different moments. When Mason left to go on tour, I was smiling and waving, but now I know I was crying, screaming for him to come back on the inside. I knew I wasn’t strong enough to navigate on my own, but I didn’t know I knew; until now.

  December 2009/January 2010

  Mason very nearly begged me to spend the first week of the tour with him and I very nearly agreed. The only thing holding me back was the independent film I’d been working on for over a month. It was my first lead role and the script was amazing. I knew deep down that taking the film was the right thing to do and even though he pouted like a bitch, Mason knew as well.

  I loved the two girls I was working with even though they were prone to diva outbreaks. Lynn had worked with both of them at some point and she was the main reason I’d taken a chance and started to spend some time with them when Mason left the day after Christmas.

  “Did I tell you I’m going out on New Year’s Eve?” I asked Mason through my webcam.

  “No.” He looked concerned. “Who are you going out with?”

  “Just a few girls from set. I think Lynn’s going but I’m not sure.”

  He looked down at the keyboard of his laptop. “I would be an ass if I told you to stay the hell home, right?”

  “Let’s not talk about this now. I barely get to speak to you and our Skype dates are supposed to be fun.” I sighed.

  He brightened immediately. “What do you have in mind baby?”

  I grabbed either side of my tank top and pulled it up, leaving my breasts bare and in full view of the camera. “See what you’re missing,” I said, giggling.

  “This was such a good idea,” he said never taking his eyes from my naked chest.

  His phone started to ring and I pulled my shirt down. “You have to go right?”

  He blew me a kiss. “I’m sorry, baby. Sound check.”

  “I’ll talk to you next year then.”

  Mason grinned. “Have fun tomorrow night and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

  I stared at him with my eyebrow raised.

  “On second thought, forget I said that. Just behave.”

  I kissed my fingers and placed them lovingly on the webcam before I closed the laptop. My apartment was quiet without Mason there. I had become accustomed to his band mates coming around too. He was practically living with me. It made waking up alone unnerving.

  The next night I got myself ready, despite that fact that Lynn couldn’t make it out with us. Going out without her or Mason was just something I never did, but I was feeling bold. Maybe it was the short dress I’d bought on Rodeo Drive or the heels Lynn had given me for Christmas, but when I looked in the mirror I really liked my appearance. I had come so far from knotty hair and clothes from the local church that didn’t fit me to clothes from Beverly Hills and shoes that were worth more than my entire wardrobe.

  I stood there in the mirror a bit longer. My outer appearance had done a complete turnaround but

  I was still me. The Fallyn that was unsure and lost was still inside. It was easy to hide that girl under nice things and a false sense of self.

  ***

  The club was packed when I arrived with the two other girls. I had been to plenty of bars in the area but I had never been to a true club, with a red rope and a bouncer. The music was blaring from two large speakers and the dance floor was full of bouncing ‘Happy New Year’ hats.

  I turned the switch off on my brain that controlled my fears and followed my coworkers through the crowd. Angela and Stephanie were their names. They were my age, beautiful and had more money than they knew what to do with. Heads turned as we slid through the crowd holding hands. I felt a rush of power that I never realized I had before.

  “I’m buying first round,” Stephanie announced over the thumping beat. “Then I’m finding a hot guy to keep me company on the dance floor.”

  “Find me one too,” Angela said as she signaled the bartender for Stephanie.

  Stephanie ordered us a round of girly drinks and I giggled. Mason would have had something to say about drinking a fruity drink. Still, I took it with a smile on my face in an attempt to play nice.

  “Let’s mingle,” Stephanie said as she tried to grab my hand and pull me away from the bar.

  “This place is crawling with men.”

  “I’m just gonna stay here,” I half shouted at her.

  Angela put her hand on Stephanie’s arm. “Fallyn has a boyfriend.”

  “Oh, that’s right! Mason. I remember you telling me that now.” Mason smiled sweetly and walked away.

  I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. I was way out of my element and I felt foolish standing in that club with a girly drink in my right hand. My companions had hit the dance floor and found a couple of men who I’d seen frequently on the cover of tabloids in the checkout line at Whole

  Foods. The whole night was going to be marred by my bipolar tendencies, I should have known.

  I wanted to blame it on Mason but the sensible part of me knew I couldn’t and shouldn’t hold him back from being successful because I wanted to be selfish. So, I salvaged the evening the best way I knew how. I let random men buy me drinks and moved on after they had. The whole scene reminded me of the night Jill left me in Philly.

  My stomach rolled at my behavior and the revelation. I leaned against the bar, ignoring the guy that was trying to buy me another drink. Stephanie and Angela were gone as far as I knew. I hadn’t seen them and that was OK because I was completely drunk. I stumbled from the bar toward the ladies room. I ignored the attendant at the counter and leaned against the cool granite to splash my face with some water. The temperature in the bathroom had spiked all of a sudden.

  It wasn’t until I looked up at my reflection in the mirror, that I saw her. A drop of water fell from my nose as I stood absolutely still. Her black hair was curly under a New Year’s hat, her makeup flawless as usual. Her eyes, on the other hand, were bloodshot. She looked like she hadn’t slept in days; the makeup wasn’t helping her hide that fact at all.

  “Well, the famous Fallyn ventures out to mingle with the common people. Where’s your man?

  Don’t tell me you two aren’t together anymore.” She laughed. “I know that’s not true. I saw you two on the internet holding hands. I saw you dangling off his arm like a prize at the premiere.”

  “I can’t say it’s nice to see you Jill, I’m sure you understand.” I tried to walk past her but she stopped me.

  She moved close to me, so close I could smell mint on her breath. “We used to be friends, what happened?”

  I couldn’t ignore her. It was like watching my life on the big screen and the little voice in my head was the audience and they were screaming to just walk away. Of course, I couldn’t walk away.

  “You left me on
the east coast with nothing, Jill. How can you stand here and talk shit about us being friends after you just left me there.”

  “You claimed to not give a shit about Mason Jennings and now you’re dating him.” She looked hurt.

  “I didn’t expect to be involved with him, Jill! If you ask me, it’s your fault because he was my only way out of Philly.”

  She swayed a little on her feet. She was probably drunk.

  “You can move your arm now. My friends are probably waiting for me.”

  Jill moved her arm but slowly backed me into the corner of the bathroom instead of letting me go. The attendant looked the opposite way, as she pretended to not see a thing. I knew she was a loose cannon and I was actually scared of her in that moment. The look on her face was maniacal.