“No!” I stood up and crossed the room. “I’m not letting some shrink pick my brain apart and tell me I’m crazy because my mother was an irresponsible failure. I know all of that already.”
“This isn’t about your mother Fallyn. This is about you and your life right now.”
I spun until I was facing the wall. “My mother is dead anyway. I suppose you’re right.”
Lynn was next to me in an instant. “When did you find out?” She grabbed me by the shoulders and forced me to look at her. “Tell me.”
“Jill told me,” I said rolling my eyes. I didn’t feel any emotion over the death of my mother whatsoever. She had taken my sister from me and as far as I was concerned she was taking my life from me.
Lynn smoothed my hair and pulled me to her in a tight hug. She rocked me slightly and still I didn’t cry. My head was pounding and my nose burned. A sick feeling rose in my throat about the whole situation. I’d really gotten myself into some shit and I lacked the skills to cope with any of it. I was dating a good guy with a good head on his shoulders. I had a decent career and a decent income. I don’t know what had come over me.
“Mason would shit himself if he knew you were talking to her again, Fallyn. She is no good and you know that.” Lynn pulled away with a sigh.
I picked at a string on my shirt. “I know, I know. Lynn, please don’t tell him.”
A pained expression crossed her face. “This isn’t a good idea. I can’t be the secret keeper between you two. Do you realize what you’re asking me to do?”
My chest burned. I was a piece of shit, it was settled. “Just let me tell him, OK? Can you give me a few days?”
“He’s going to call me back and I really don’t feel comfortable lying to him!” Her voice rose in pitch.
“Fine just calm down,” I pleaded. “I’ll call him and tell him tonight, I promise.”
Lynn let out a slow breath. “Fallyn, you are my closest friend and I hate seeing you like this. You need to talk to someone and if I have to get Mason involved I will.”
I crossed my arms defiantly. “Mason doesn’t need my bullshit right now. He’s got to focus on the tour.”
“Mason loves you. That’s all I’m going to say; I have work in the morning and so do you.” Lynn gathered her keys and cell phone before laying a hand on my left shoulder. “We’ll talk tomorrow. I left your late Christmas gift on the coffee table, use it wisely.”
She left, but not before giving me a stern look. I knew she meant business. I thought back to Christmas and it seemed worlds away. Mason has been so happy on Christmas morning. I fell to the couch and grabbed the white envelope Lynn had left for me. In all the excitement of the past week I’d forgotten all about the belated gift she’d promised.
As soon as I opened the envelope and pulled the folder out, I felt sick. It was an airline voucher good for one open ended ticket. Groaning out of guilt I pulled the small Christmas tree shaped card out and flipped it open.
Fallyn,
I know how upset you were about Mason going out on tour so I thought this would help you out. Just make sure to bring me a shot glass back from wherever you end up.
Merry Christmas
Love,
Lynn
I’d never felt so unworthy in my life and I almost screamed. My stomach rolled with guilt at all my lies and deceptions I’d committed since I started medicating myself. I was my mother and there was no way around it. My sister never had a chance. She never had the chance I had at life and I was on the fast track to ruining everything I’d worked for. Eventually everyone would discover I was a fraud.
Without too much thought, I slipped my flip-flops on and grabbed my purse. I drove my car into downtown Los Angeles looking for the person who I thought I’d never see again. After about twenty minutes I spotted him leaning against the side of a club Mason’s band had played many times. He noticed my car and sauntered over to the window. I rolled it down.
“Thought you quit…” He left the thought open.
“I don’t want to talk about this, Tony. Just give me enough to get me through until next week.”
He slipped into the passenger seat and pulled a bag of Percocet from his pocket. “Does your man know about this?” he asked as he counted.
“Just count faster so I can get out of here.” Who would have known that the nameless bouncer I’d met months ago would end up being my dealer.
“Here you go, sweetie.” He slid back out of my car. “Tell your guy I said hello.” He tapped the car once and I drove off.
Chapter 18
My therapist always says that my biggest problem while using was that I wasn’t held responsible for anything. I didn’t pay any certain price because my own view of myself was the lowest of the low to begin with.
February 2010
The unthinkable happened to me at the very end of January. I was ‘let go’ from the movie I was working on. The movie I stayed in LA for dumped me. The director claimed I was hard to work with and I wasn’t focusing enough for his vision. It was a load of shit. I was out before most of my filming had been done and some other girl was brought in my place.
One week after I’d lost my job I got a call that turned my world upside down once again. Somehow I’d been recommended for a studio film; a big studio film. I was offered a lead in a movie that I didn’t have to audition for.
Things with Lynn had gotten better gradually but the truth was I just got better at hiding the things that bothered her. I’d become a damn good actor. I had so many reasons, or justifications rather, swirling around in my mind for all my unsavory actions. Of course, the unexpected time off meant I could go see Mason sooner than planned. Lynn was thrilled that I was putting her present to good use.
Maybe it was fate or maybe it was dumb luck, but my plane would land bright and early on Valentine’s Day. My bags were packed and ready by the front door even though I wasn’t leaving for a few days. I suppose I felt time would pass quicker if I rushed it along myself. As usual I was wrong. Somewhere deep inside I was hoping that I wouldn’t have the time to get in my car and go find Jill. I couldn’t say that I was addicted to snorting white powder off of odd surfaces but the combination of the cocaine and the Percocet was something I couldn’t forget.
I paced the space between my coffee table and small entertainment center erratically. I’d already taken my fill, or what I guessed was my fill, of pills for the day. I tried to ration myself which didn’t make any sense but I felt better about the whole thing if I did.
My phone vibrated softly in my pocket and I yanked it out quickly to see who was calling. There was a time not so long before that moment where I always pleaded silently to let it be Mason.
That night, I pleaded for it to be Jill.
“Where are you?” I accosted Jill with the question without even saying hello. Our relationship was nonexistent and I didn’t bother with formalities.
“Don’t be such a bitch. You sound strung out, Fallyn.”
“Fuck you. Just tell me where you are and stop trying to act concerned. I’m leaving in a few days.”
Jill laughed and sighed. “I’m on Sunset. Tony and I had some dinner.”
My chest tightened ever so slightly. “Since when are you and Tony hanging out?”
“I fucking told you before. Don’t you remember or are you that high?”
She had mentioned that. It scared me a little that certain parts of my life had started to black out.
“Can I pick you up?” I almost begged.
“Fine. I’m just down the street from the bar. I’ll wait here for you.”
I closed my phone without saying goodbye and grabbed my purse from the table by the front door. I eyed my two bags waiting for me but there was no guilt. If I didn’t do what I had to do before I left, there would be no way to play it cool around Mason. Of course there was the chance he could see right through me. That was a chance I was willing to take.
Jill wasn’t hard to find. She was sitting o
n the dirty sidewalk, back up against a random building.
When she stood her shoes were dangling from her right hand. She got into my car and we rode in silence back to my apartment.
“I got a major part,” I offered as we walked through the front door.
“I heard.” Jealousy laced her tone. “You get an advance?”
I nodded and fell to my knees in front of the coffee table. “Let’s just get this over with.”
Jill rounded the table and mimicked my position. “I’m not a fucking idiot, Fallyn. I know you’re just using me for the drugs. You shouldn’t mix this shit with the pills.”
I scoffed. “Are you seriously trying to tell me how to take drugs safely?”
“No,” she smirked, “but I promise you that you won’t make it through your little trip to see Mason without both. I’m sure he’ll get a kick out of it.”
I jumped onto the low table and leaned over Jill, my right hand on her neck. “If you tell him, you’ll be sorry.”
“Are you threatening me, bitch?”
My heart was pounding and for a moment I didn’t recognize my own thoughts. I backed off and returned to my spot across the table from her. “Cut it.”
Jill pulled a vial from her small bag and dumped the powdered contents on the glass table top. I watched in disgust and excitement as she carefully cut the powder into even and thin lines. My bottom lip shook as I anticipated the rush of feelings I knew were soon to come.
Without hesitation, I took the cut straw from her and took my first line. The inside of my nose burned though it wasn’t as bad as the first time. Whether it was my imagination or not I could feel the warmth spreading from the face down, combining with the high I was already on from the Percocet. Combined the two did an amazing thing for me. I felt neutral. I felt just right.
“He’ll find out eventually, you know.” Jill said as she did her last line and laid down along my carpeted floor.
I was trying to ignore her and enjoy the warmth in my stomach.
“Fallyn?”
“Yeah?” I stood and towered above her.
“You could lose everything.” She sniffed and rolled to her side to stand. She didn’t sound concerned as she was only stating a fact.
I watched her silently as she gathered her paraphernalia and left my home without another word or a wave goodbye. It was almost our custom to remain detached. I stared at the back of the door, swallowing the burn of tears in my throat.
“I’ve already lost everything.” I said to no one in particular.
***
On Valentine’s Day I woke early, glad that my bags were already packed. I felt okay. My stomach was in knots because I hadn’t seen my boyfriend for two months. I was not the Fallyn he’d left. The thought of it made me sad and I didn’t want to be sad.
I showered and afterward stood before the sink in my favorite neon pink towel. I wiped the condensation from the mirror with my left hand. The leftover water ran vertical in a downward fashion. The drops caressed my cheeks in the reflection and looked like tears. It was so fitting.
My reflection was me, the true me on the inside that I couldn’t manage to find even though I knew I was in there somewhere.
The drive to the airport was quick because there wasn’t much traffic on the freeway before six in the morning. I parked my car in the long term lot and rode the bus to the terminal. I was OK the entire flight until the captain announced we were ten minutes from landing. The ground below me looked like a patchwork quilt so I tried to concentrate on the patterns. The nervousness I was feeling slowly melted away as the plane hit solid ground and pulled in for unloading. I pictured Mason’s face in my mind and felt silly for feeling nervous.
He was there, in baggage claim. I hadn’t even made it to grab my bags when I saw him. He was alone, which surprised me. I stopped dead and just took him in. His eyes held mine so intensely that I wanted to look away but I couldn’t. I noticed the slight bags under his eyes and knew that he hadn’t been sleeping. His hair was longer, but I liked it. His shirt was wrinkled and I would have bet money he’d been wearing it for at least a day and a half.
Mason began to walk toward me so I didn’t dare move. His green eyes glittered with excitement and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world at that moment. When he reached me, his hands automatically rounded my waist and pulled me to him. He smelled like cigarettes and take-out food.
“I fucking missed you,” he mumbled into my hair. “Jesus, Fallyn. You have no idea how happy I am to see you.”
I didn’t remember doing it but my hands were threaded in his longer hair and I forced him to look at me. “I know exactly how you feel. You look tired.” I traced the faint purple area underneath his right eye. “I missed you too.”
He kissed me then, which surprised me because he was always so private before. I missed his fingertips, the rough feeling of them against my neck and face. I missed that he always kissed me like he couldn’t get enough and my heart felt full of him once again.
“Let’s go back to the room,” he suggested once we’d retrieved my bags.
I couldn’t help but feel the usual electric charge as he held my hand over the gearshift in his car. I was still surprised that he’d driven it, but of course, I had my own car after all. We rode in comfortable and welcomed silence the entire drive. I giggled the tiniest bit when we pulled into a small roadside motel that had seen better days.
“What’s so funny?” he questioned in a tired drawl.
“Do they rent by the hour?” I asked laughing and motioning to the faded paint on the office.
He turned and smiled at me. “Doesn’t matter, we’re staying here all night.”
I rolled my eyes but secretly enjoyed the thought of him and me naked and sweaty in a cheap motel bed for the rest of the day.
The room was messy and there were two beds that had both been slept in. Poor Dave had probably been forced to inhabit someone else’s room for the night. I kicked a random beer can from the doorway and dropped my overnight bag on the neater of the two beds.
“Welcome to the mid-west,” Mason said as he grabbed my hips and thrust his own into my ass a few times. “The only thing to do here is fuck and drink.”
“What about playing music?” I turned and raised an eyebrow.
“Well,” he said with a smirk, “I won’t be doing any of that right this moment.”
He leaned over my right shoulder and licked the bare skin. I shivered and leaned further into his warm embrace. I led him to the bed without my things on it and pushed him down before retrieving my iPod from my bag. I put one ear bud in his ear and the other in mine.
“Did you find something new?” He asked, trailing his fingers along my arm slowly.
“I have a few new songs.”
We were nothing like most couples and it didn’t bother us one bit. It was nothing to sit side by side anywhere and listen to whatever appeared on the iPod he’d bought me. There was a slight shyness traveling between the two of us and neither was sure how to get the other naked. It seemed ridiculous but it was our reality. I sighed quietly and pressed play on my mp3 player.
The truth was, nothing else besides Mason meant anything to me as I sat next to him and reveled in the warmth coming from his arm. We breathed in union as a new song shuffled around.
“This sounds like porn music. I feel like I’m in a porno.” He gave me a confused look.
I burst into laughter just as the lyrics presented themselves. I looked at him and saw pure lust. I ceased my giggling and pulled the ear bud from my ear. I let it fall to the bed but I could still hear the backbeats to the song. Mason reached forward and grabbed either side of my shirt. He pulled it up and off quickly. Before long my bra and pants joined it on the floor.
He wrapped his right arm around my back, leaning me back as he advanced. His tongue met my belly button roughly and I gasped as he ran north along my heated skin. My breathing was uneven which matched his perfectly. When his lips finally met mine he
released me and I fell to the cheap mattress, bouncing.
The iPod was abandoned totally although the song played on repeat under the sounds of our ragged breaths. We touched and grasped for any part we could find. I became frustrated with his clothed state and began to yank his recycled outfit off with urgency.
“Damn…I missed you,” he murmured against my bare breast.
“I missed you more.” I pushed his pants down as far as they would go with the heels of my feet before finishing the job with my hands.
He groaned when I moved and his warm mouth lost contact with my naked body. I positioned myself in front of him on my knees and smiled. I admired his thin, pale frame and fell in love with him all over again. His eyes burned into mine and they said everything he couldn’t speak aloud.
Vicious Circles Page 14