We were best friends, you know? I didn’t know what to do when you died. I won’t ever forget the way you looked at me that day. For so long I saw it every time I closed my eyes. I knew you were out of control. I knew that things were very, very fucked up and I didn’t do anything. I pretended it was fine. Even now I have a very hard time thinking of your face the day you lost your battle to drugs.
They say everyone has a rock bottom and I know what mine was. I looked in the mirror the day Mason found me half dead on the floor of that house and saw you. My reflection was yours.
I don’t know how I’ve gone so long without you. I’m still grieving for you and that may never stop.
I love you.
***
I stood and walked to the front of the room. I hadn’t been in front of such a large group of people in a long time, but I felt ready. I scanned the crowd and recognized the usual faces: Lynn and Chris. They’d both been such a support system for me. I would thank them the best way I knew how. I’d stay clean and move on with my life.
When I reached the front of the room, I stopped and cleared my throat.
“So, I’m breakin’ out of this joint tomorrow.”
There was a slight chuckle throughout the small room.
“My name is Fallyn Michaels and I’m an addict. I’ve spent countless hours sabotaging my life even though I had what most people wanted.” I paused as Mason’s face entered my mind. “I’ll never stop thinking about taking the easy way out. There will always be temptations and this fight…well, I’m fighting it for life but there’s something different about me now.”
Lynn and I locked eyes. She was doing her best not to cry.
“I know who I am and I like the person I found hiding inside. I’m caring and intelligent. I’m a really good actress and I make damn good sugar cookies.”
I looked down at my hands as they trembled. My lip followed and I cried. “I slept in homeless shelters and against dumpsters in Hollywood. I hopped from house to house and let myself slip away. Then…I met someone, and he was so good to me. He turned my life upside down and damn if he didn’t try to fix what was broken. I broke him in the process.”
I wiped the tears from my cheeks and stood a little straighter.
“Tomorrow is going to be a better day and I’m ready to get back to life.”
***
Dear Mason,
Tomorrow I leave rehab for good. It’s been three long months and I’m ready to learn to live all over again. I can’t say that I don’t miss you still, but as long as you’re out there somewhere happy, I will be OK. No one had ever loved me the way you loved me and for that I thank you.
Everyone said, you weren’t that type…that you couldn’t fall in love, but you did and it was with me. With me, the broken girl from Pensacola with no home and no hope.
We may cross paths one day and I’m ready for that. I’m also getting used to the idea of never seeing you again. Either way, you were in my life when it counted and I’m alive today because of you. I forgive you for leaving and maybe one day you’ll forgive me for everything that happened between us.
I know you’ll never see any of these letters but just knowing that they exist makes me smile.
These random pieces of paper know exactly how I feel about you. They’ve been along this journey with me.
So, be happy. That’s what is important, after all.
I will always love you,
Fallyn
Chapter 23
It took all of my strength to live in that damned house. Of course, day after day it started to feel like home until I opened the closet and pulled out the painting of the crying girl. She represented who I was and who I never wanted to be again, so I hung her over my bed.
June 2010
The early morning sun beat down on my bare arms and legs. I stretched my limbs before falling into the closest chaise lounge. It was my first day off in weeks and I couldn’t wait to do absolutely nothing. I kept weekly appointments with my therapist which kept me sane, if I were to be honest. I’d developed the habit of keeping myself super busy to keep the thoughts of using away. It worked, except I was tired as shit all the time.
Mason hadn’t called, emailed, sent a smoke signal…nothing. I missed him so much and my heart ached at night when I laid in bed alone. Lynn and I had gathered everything that reminded me of him that would fit in a scrapbook and had craft hour. I looked at it often. Mason Jennings was harder to get over than my drug addiction.
“Good morning!” Chris called from the front of the house.
“I’m out here on the deck.”
He strolled through the sliding doors in a pair of shorts and a salmon pink polo. I waved at him from my chair. “Sorry if I don’t get up. This is my lazy day.”
“How’s things?” He asked and took a seat at the end of my lounge chair.
“Fabulous, dahling.” I waved my arm around in an exaggerated way. “The sun is bright and the stars are tanning here in Malibu.”
Chris laughed. “Let’s go get some lunch.”
“Mr. Lennon, it’s not lunch time yet.”
“Then let’s get some brunch.”
He grinned a toothy grin and I gave him the finger. “Last time we went out, they accused us of having sex. Your girlfriend and I had a good laugh over that one.”
“Well, I’m headed to Hollywood anyway. We’ll stand in line for Pink’s if you want.” Chris stood and pulled his sunglasses down over his eyes.
“Hot dogs? Really?”
“Don’t talk shit about Pink’s, Fallyn. I’ll wait in the car for you.”
“Way to let me make my own decision,” I yelled as he walked away. I heard his laughter as he closed the front door. “Make me stand in line for a stinkin’ hot dog…” I mumbled as I jogged up the stairs to change.
I always gave him a hard time, but the truth was Chris had stepped up big time in my life. We’d gone from barely knowing one another to really good friends in a matter of months. It was a platonic relationship, of course.
I threw on the first outfit I came to in the closet and hopped back down the stairs with one shoe in my hand. Chris waited patiently with the engine running as I set the alarm and locked the front door.
“How are things on set since you got out?” Chris asked as he pulled off down my street.
“Christ, Chris…you make it sound like I was in jail.”
He laughed and turned onto Pacific Coast Highway. “Hey, some people see it like that. Either way, you didn’t answer my question.”
I sighed and let my right hand float in the breeze the speed of his car was creating. “There is always that little voice in the back of my head telling me to drown my sorrows, but I feel good. Work is going great.”
Chris glanced at me over the top of his sunglasses. “But…”
“I’m not so sure I really want to stay with acting. It pays the mortgage on the house but it’s the part of me that disappeared with Mason.”
“Hey,” he said tapping the steering wheel to the song on the radio, “you are free of all that shit that was dragging you down. I say do whatever makes you happy.”
“Yeah,” I said, concentrating on the ocean as we passed it in a blur.
***
I hadn’t been out and about much since my discharge from rehab and for good reason. Photographers followed me for a week straight afterwards until they realized Mason was nowhere to be seen. Then, the couple of times I’d been brave enough to go out with Lynn or Chris those bastards descended like wolves. Honestly, I could deal with the cameras in my face. It was the mentions of Mason and our split that caused me pain.
Chris pulled up in front of Pink’s and I eyed the huge line wearily. “Chris, I am not melting in this heat for a hot dog. This is my only day off.”
“You are absolutely no fun, Fallyn.” He put the car in drive and turned the corner. “We’ll go sit and eat.”
I smiled, happy about getting my way. We rode silently to the small café th
at Lynn and I frequented so often. They had the best French toast and it was also the place Mason and I had lunch together for the very first time. Chris threw his arm around me and propelled me toward the entrance. The valet sped off in his car and it was a damn good thing. Sitting across the patio was Dave and Mason. Dave and I had noticed one another almost immediately but Mason had yet to see me. Chris was oblivious and headed into the restaurant.
The sun was shining on his hair, which he’d cut since I’d seen him last. It felt like my chest was caving in on itself and I wondered if I was really strong enough. I wanted to run away.
Dave, being the super polite guy I knew him to be stood and walked over right away. He grabbed me and pulled me to him before I could object. When he let go, my eyes met Mason’s and the world stopped. There was no question at all…I was not over him. I expected the tears to start but instead rage balled up in my stomach. Chris reappeared from God knows where just as I stalked across the small patio and right up to Mason.
“What happened to you?” I asked in the nicest voice I could muster. I didn’t want to be angry, but I was.
“I…” He faltered and was at a loss for what to say. It was clear that he was shocked to see me. He did the thing where he opened and closed his mouth a few times. “It was just better this way.”
I took a deep breath and pushed him backwards with all the strength I had. He stumbled backwards and caught himself on the railing that surrounded the small patio. Chris and Dave had moved forward in a half assed attempt to stop me, but I suspect they were only keeping up appearance.
“You left me when I needed you the most. You left me. I laid in a hospital bed for days waiting for you. I cried myself fucking silly for months over you.”
“Fallyn, I-“
“No,” I said pointing an index finger at him. “You don’t get to talk, it’s my turn. I loved you…I love you.”
“Maybe we should go,” Chris stated before grabbing me by the elbow.
Mason glared at him. “Let her talk.”
I shook out of Chris’s grip. “You don’t bail on the people you love, Mason. You stand beside them and help shoulder whatever it is they’re going through.”
He flexed his hands in and out of a fist. “Don’t you think I wanted to stay? I fucking wanted to be there but I couldn’t.”
I looked at him in disbelief and realized I was getting nowhere with him. “Well, have a nice life Mason.” I turned and pushed through that wall that was Dave and Chris. I ignored the small audience that had gathered and exited the restaurant.
There was a searing pain in my chest but the adrenaline that was coursing through my body was keeping the hurt at bay. I wanted to curl into a ball and cry until I passed out. I wanted to down pills with Vodka and sleep until the memory of his face was erased from my mind. I half ran down the sidewalk not caring about anyone or anything. I could hear Chris coming up the concrete behind me so I crossed the road and started walking in the opposite side. He gave up his pursuit when I hailed a cab.
I kept replaying the scene over and over in my mind. He looked so good and I was pissed because he looked better than I’d ever seen him look. Maybe he was better off without me after all. The thought made me sick and more than ever I wanted to make it all go away. It would only take me ten minutes to find Tony and buy something off of him to make me happy again.
When the taxi dropped me off, I threw him some cash and ran into my house. I dropped all of my shit on the floor by the front door.
“Deep breaths. Deep breaths.” I chanted the words over and over to myself.
My skin was on fire and I could feel sweat forming on my face as I made my way into the master bathroom. I splashed some water on my face. When that didn’t help, I turned the shower on and got in, clothes and all.
***
July 2010
Life had been much harder since getting clean. I expected it to be vastly different, but I didn’t expect everything to be twice as hard as before. I had to work extra hard on my lines and keeping up with normal things sometimes proved too much.
“I think this was a really good idea,” Lynn informed me as she walked through the glass doors at the back of my house. “Everyone loves a good Fourth of July party.”
“You seem to have forgotten what happened last time I had a party, Lynn.” I poked the charcoal in my grill and frowned. “I have never cooked on a grill before.”
“Move.” She pushed me out of the way with her hip.
“Hey, watch it.” I handed her the tongs. “Fine you be meat master. I’ll make lemonade.”
“Meat master? Really?” She giggled.
I laughed to myself and made my way inside to do something that didn’t require using fire and metal utensils. I’d recently mastered the art of lemonade so I grabbed what I needed for the job and got to work. My mind wandered, as it did in those days. It had been a month since the confrontation with Mason in Hollywood. He never called to apologize though Dave sent me a text. Chris felt like shit about the whole thing, but it wasn’t his fault.
“Hey you,” Chris announced his presence. He kissed me quickly on the top of my head on his way through my kitchen and his girlfriend waved, then kept right on walking.
“Yeah, yeah. I’ll make the lemonade by hand. Keep on walking! Slackers.”
In my mind, a party meant lots of people, but in Lynn’s mind it meant a small gathering of people who wouldn’t mind not drinking on such a booze driven holiday. Of course, Lynn was my miracle worker and she made shit happen. One by one I watched my backyard fill with people I knew and some that I didn’t. I made myself available to each and every one of my guests like a good little host. The more I mingled the less I thought about the things that had been haunting me for months. The pull between my head and my heart for Mason was still there but muted by the fact that I wouldn’t allow myself to go under for a man. Not many people got second chances after the things that I’d done to myself and those around me. Hell, my sister never took another breath.
It hit me that night as I watched the fireworks, tucked under Lynn’s right arm; I was in control of my life for once. I looked at Chris, who was wrapped around his girlfriend and back to Lynn who looked back at me questioningly.
“You OK?”
I turned my head back to the colors exploding in the sky but I still answered. “I’m fantastic.”
She smiled and I smiled. We broke into giggles that couldn’t be heard over the fireworks.
“I think we’ll all be just fine,” Lynn said trying to calm her laughter.
Someone tossed a random noise maker at our feet and Lynn squealed in response. She ran off looking for the culprit leaving me to admire the night sky alone.
Eventually, people started to disperse. I suspected that they were off to a place that wasn’t dry as a bone, but I couldn’t really blame them. I thanked everyone, shocked at my sweet host skills.
Lynn tried to stay and help clean but I forced her to leave. She walked out with Chris’s girlfriend still complaining about not being able to help. Chris was hugging me goodbye when Dave stepped through the front door that I was holding open.
“Hey man,” he gave Chris a wave and smiled at me. He stood, twisting his feet back and forth like he was nervous.
“Well, I’m headed into the night. Who knows where it might lead me.” Chris hugged me, kissed my forehead and left.
“So, I know I wasn’t invited-“
“Dave, you’re always welcome…you know that.” I interrupted him.
He grinned and shoved both hands in the pockets of his sweat jacket. “Listen, I want to talk to you about Mason. I…I know this is none of my business but I’ve watched him mope around for fucking months.”
“I don’t want you to be mixed up in all of this.” I sighed and leaned against the door that I had yet to close.
“I know, I know. It’s just he had some fucked up reasons for leaving you, Fallyn. You two were…are perfect for each other and believe me I wouldn
’t say that if it wasn’t worth saying.”
Dave looked around at the house and laughed. “I heard you were having a kick ass party tonight. I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner.”
I rubbed my face with both hands. “You know that all of this could have been avoided if he’d just had the balls enough to stick around. I could have moved on with a reason…all I ever wanted was a reason.”
“He’s in the car.”
My head shot to the right and I stared intently into the dark driveway. I left Dave standing in the doorway and walked hesitantly to his car. I opened the driver door and slid in. Mason was leaning against the dash, his head in his hands.
Vicious Circles Page 18