by Matt Shaner
“I can’t believe you actually did it,” Val said. I sipped the coffee. It was still strong and horrible.
“I almost stopped. It was the best thing.”
“I know.” She was taking this well. “I’m glad you told me first. I don’t like surprises.”
“Neither do I. It was the only way out,” I said, resigning to not drink any more of the coffee. A group of kids came in and took a table in the back, sparking my memories of childhood. We would drive out, too late on a weekend, and blow an hour in the same fashion. We never ordered much. The place still had the same waitress working the night shift.
Val and I sat in silence for a few minutes. Our marriage was our joining, and now she was truly in this forever. We decided that we were the most important team, and we would proceed in that manner regardless of who had to be left behind. I know that people may see it differently than we did then. It was pragmatic. It was just another choice in the wave of our generation. The time to act was then, and we chose to act. We did not know that something was being planned that night, and the next day things would be changed.
A new edition to the diner was a small television over the corner of the counter. The set was in my view, but the sound was off. Captions scrolled across the screen. The first item was the trial. The revelations from the testimony that I delivered rolled in white letters across a black background. I hoped no one would recognize me. An older guy was at the counter, and the waitress was busy talking to him. No one watched the screen but Val and I.
The last part of the report hit us both. The caption read that the attorneys were considering pressing charges against Shawn. The anchorman moved on to another story, and we drove home.
Chapter Sixty-One
The Fall Out
By this point I enjoyed the lack of sleep. The temperature in the bedroom never settled. My mind never settled. Everything flowed, from songs to imagining my guilty soul spending eternity wherever it would end up. Val shifted around next to me even though she was asleep. She kept kicking me out of the bed until I gave up around three in the morning and went to the living room. I watched a late Sports Center and felt the waves of no sleep burn into my eyes. I dropped into the zone familiar from all the nights of not sleeping in college.
The sun seemed an eternity away. I zoned until the black in the sky started fading into a shade of blue. The coldness lifted, and the room shone brighter. The television shows changed into morning news, and I heard the sounds of Val stirring upstairs. This inspired me to go up myself and get ready for our day in court.
I had been keeping business casual dress and decided to add a tie this time. The focus would still have some fall out on us, and it would be worth looking the part with all the pictures. We decided to have breakfast at home, rather than from the vendors at the courthouse, and with the early wake up, we took our time. We didn’t talk much over breakfast, and honestly; it was nice to feel a weight off my shoulders, even if the weight wasn’t a genuine one. It felt like the problem was no longer ours to contend with.
The drive to the courthouse was slower than usual. As with other prime moments in life, time slows down and existence forces you to wait and feel it out. Your senses take in everything, and say a tree you passed a thousand times suddenly becomes clear, and you notice every single detail of the leaves. The position of the sun in the sky stands out. Each middle-of-the-road hash is individual and displays its own characteristics. The air from the vents in the car feels like it weighs a ton.
We arrived to the fanfare, and the faces and screams seemed silent outside the car windows. The flashes felt off in the distance. We pulled into our parking spot. The walk into the courthouse happened without incident, and when we entered through the doors, the flashes stopped and time returned to normal. I noticed everyone looking at me a little longer. The guards stopped reading their paper and all took in our arrival. The lawyers and others walking to and from offices glanced over and noticed each step we took towards the courtroom. Conversations happening in the hallways paused, and each party looked to catch us before we entered the courtroom.
The response was the same when we walked through those large wooden doors. We sat down, and reporters, rather than mobbing us as they did outside, just stayed in their seats and wrote furiously on laptops and tablets. Shawn was not there. The room filled in more quickly than before. The judge had instructed the jury to deliberate on the possibility of a mistrial, and they would return their decision first thing. It was a nervous day for all.
The judge arrived on time, and before anything could start, he instructed the counsel to see him in his chambers. They all disappeared, and things stood still for the second time in one day. The jury was seated. The reporters still wrote, and the room was alive with the buzz of electricity and anticipation. The moments passed and drew into minutes. The minutes migrated into a half an hour. We sensed something was happening. Shawn still had not arrived.
The judge and lawyers returned, and he began to make his announcement. I’ve taken my time here and read most of the articles on what happened next. I’ll keep everything from memory for now.
The judge told everyone that he had two items to talk about. The first was, that after deliberation and discussion with the attorneys involved, charges would be pressed and a warrant issued for Shawn. A separate investigation would occur, and its findings would have bearing on this case. The second issue was the case itself. He started talking and went over the facts as they were presented so far.
He told the story of the prosecution. He told the story of the defense. Everyone shifted in his or her seats, and the wave of something was building on the horizon. He talked about the factors in the trial. Julia stopped her note taking and stared ahead. I knew she had no part in it, but a deep area of my being could not excuse her. She just played out an influence that was so tangible. At this point I thought I heard something. It was a faint commotion outside of the courtroom. Sound traveled in the entrance and up the concrete walls to our room. Conversation would echo into the trial every now and then, so I did not get concerned.
At the first use of the word mistrial, a murmur rose from the crowd into a cacophony. The judge slammed his gavel. The crowd quieted. He continued to talk. He began to instruct the jury about the issues around a mistrial. Julia leaned over to discuss something with her lawyer. The commotion from out in the hall became louder, and I noticed a bailiff who was standing next to the wooden doors, turn and go outside. When he swung the door open, I caught a look of a police officer walking ahead of him.
The judge kept speaking, and the reporters kept writing. People shifted in their seats. I started to comprehend what a mistrial would mean. Would I get charged with a crime? I knew that Julia would be free, but at that cost, so would I. The trade did not sit well, but it was an ending that allowed us all to part ways. Val and I planned to sell the house as soon as possible and move away from all this. We knew that we needed an escape.
The judge started to tone down his speech. As he did, the commotion from outside raised in volume, and people started to glance towards the door. This was the first moment anyone heard a siren. The walls opposite the door were lined with windows overlooking the city, and the sirens grew in volume as they came closer to us. Someone on the aisle, losing any regards for decorum, stood and ran to the window. He sat down after the judge issued a harsh warning. As he was making his way back to his seat, a bailiff backed into the door from outside, and all hell broke loose.
The first shot sent the bailiff in the air and down to the floor in front of our row. Then, on the tails of the bullet, Shawn pushed his way through the doors holding a handgun. The second shot hit Julia in the side of the head. The jury ducked and the judge vanished behind the large oak wall of his bench. Shawn stepped into the void between the lawyer’s tables and the judge. He fired two shots into the ceiling, sending pieces of plaster crumbling down and a fine white haze
over the entire room. The crowd of people, who were running in all directions, stopped as he yelled.
I knew he didn’t have much time, and since deadly force was used, the police would be looking for his death. The sirens that were initially far off now blared from the walls outside of the window. Val and I, after seeing Shawn, ran for the wall. We glanced down to see roadblocks being set up and a handful of police cars pulling into the front street that ran next to the courthouse. A black van with large letters spelling the word SWAT on the side pulled up and stopped. Officers exited the van. We turned around, and Shawn was standing over Julia’s dead body.
I looked to the twin doors and chairs were piled up to prevent them from being opened. A voice yelled from outside. I didn’t catch the name, but someone wanted to talk to Shawn. They said to put down his gun. They said to open the doors. He ignored everything. In the middle of the people left in the room, I knew he would search us out and, after that, probably kill us.
We were up high enough that they were unable to shoot any tear gas or anything through the window. I realized that, with the barricade, he must have thought things out. It was the perfect situation for a standoff. He was still standing between the tables and the judge’s stand. More voices came in from the doorway, and a crowd had to be building. The SWAT team made their way up by now and was waiting for some signal. In the middle of everything, Shawn still just planted himself in one spot.
The defense attorney, covered in Julia’s blood, looked up at him.
“This won’t help you any,” he croaked out as he wiped his face wish a handkerchief from his pocket. Shawn raised the gun and shot him. We all jumped.
“Anyone else have an opinion?” he asked. We stayed silent.
Ten minutes later, we were all seated per his instructions. He paced around the room holding his hands to his head. The sirens were still sounding outside. The police were still yelling from directly outside the door. The bodies were on the floor and bleeding. The rest of us sat in silence. Somewhere near the back of the room, a woman cried. I wondered if this historical place had seen anything like this in the past two hundred years.
Shawn paced and paced. It felt like he didn’t plan anything out, but after seeing the inside of his place, I did not believe that for a second.
“What are you going to do?” a guy asked to our right. Seated, we could not see every person in the room but only hear voices. Shawn stopped. He looked over, raised the gun, and silenced the person forever. He started to pace again.
I wondered what was keeping the police from busting down the door. I guessed they did not know how many people were inside or how many were alive and any sort of pressure could lead him to start firing away and claim even more lives. There was no way out, literally or figuratively. This would be the end of his existence, and he looked like he knew and accepted that fact.
The judge made his way back into his chair. I thought, by the look on his face, he was going to try something to take control of the situation. His determination was there and ill founded. Like the rest of us, he had to see what had happened to everyone who spoke up. These things seemed to go across his mind, and before Shawn could turn and look at him, he stopped and bent down behind the bench again.
The doors of the room jarred as the police attempted an advance into the room. They jarred twice, and Shawn turned to watch them. He turned around and looked me in the face.
“You did this. The whole time you did it,” he said. I tried not to draw attention to myself or respond in any way. This was not a moment to step out regardless of the circumstances. He sensed my hesitation and walked over towards me. The doors still shifted around behind him.
He focused in on me. I moved myself over in front of Val, and somehow found the nerve to stand. We were the only ones standing. The person who was crying had stopped. The judge slowly raised his head behind the stand. The blood from the bodies on the floor seeped their way to the carpet. The sirens outside still rang in the air of the morning. I hoped the police would lose their patience and just get in here. He kept walking in my direction.
I’ve heard the phrase vacant eyes and never knew what it meant until that point. They say that some events will define a life, and it was one of those times. That room and everything involved will always sit in my memory. I’ll carry it to the grave, and even though time has passed it still lingers. I still see him walking towards me when I shut my eyes in a quiet moment.
He moved in what felt like slow motion. The gun wasn’t raised, and that gave me a few seconds of comfort. He walked and was turning the corner of the isle. In a few more feet he would be directly in front of me. His eyes met mine. He raised the gun. Another shot rang out and snapped his head to the side. Blood covered the windows next to him, and he fell. Everyone looked over, and a bailiff, a young guy that everyone missed in the room, had drawn a gun. He stood there with tears running down his face. Hearing the shot, the police busted in through the door. The entire confrontation took less than a few minutes but felt like years.
The cops came in and cleared the scene. They moved everyone outside and gave medical treatment to those who needed it. I sat down next to Val, and we embraced each other. Shawn’s body lay only a few feet away. We did not look at it. An officer came over and helped us to our feet. We finally got the nerve to leave the room. More obstacles waited outside before we could get to the car.
Chapter Sixty-Two
The Walk Outside
The police had blocked the street off, and a large number of officers lined the stairwell and rooms outside of the courtroom. We could hear news helicopters hovering over the scene. The men all made eye contact with us, and Detective Williams looked at me from the entrance. Our lawyer must have been taken out before us. I never noticed where he ended up.
The doors to the courthouse were propped open by guards. Actual policemen replaced the old men who usually manned the metal detectors, and I wondered how they felt to see everything happen. Then I realized that they might not be alive. The floor was covered with glass shards from the broken doors. Some parts of the walls had chips in their cement where bullets made their impact.
The policeman who led us out was talking, but I could not hear anything over the noise of the press. The crowd was five times the usual number. People in the windows of the surrounding office buildings looked down on us. A line of cars waited to take us away to some other location and it was a very appealing idea.
The sun shone over everything and reflected in a harsh line from the buildings around us. I walked over more broken glass on the pavement. A pair of ambulances pulled up to our left, and they were loading stretchers in with bodies covered in white sheets. I was glad to be able to walk outside and not have to be wheeled alive and injured or dead. I was thankful to have Val next to me. Shawn wrote the final moments of his life, and I knew we would never forget those few experiences in that room. As we made our way to the car, a pair of female officers were comforting Erica on the inside of the barriers. She wailed, and her screams cut through the afternoon air above the sirens. People watched us all, and the odd feeling took a long time to leave the bottom of my soul. It felt like we were part of something that impacted our lives forever. When, if you get a chance to look death in the eye, it does not forget you. Part of Shawn still stuck with us, and as we entered the car, we both broke down. The driver did not speak as he took us to the parking garage.
We were told to go home, and we would be contacted later. When we finally closed the doors to the car, Val sobbed again. I hugged her. Off in the distance, three crows perched themselves on the concrete where we entered and exited the courthouse each day. They were picking at the remains of a soft pretzel and were oblivious to the crowds. The ambulances pulled away. We just witnessed death and destruction. We saw justice served in its own perverse form. The chaos of the scene still rode on in full force, and somehow nature still persisted. It was a remind
er that the globe turned a few thousand miles an hour regardless of what happened. We made it home, lay down and slept.
I remember staring at the ceiling. I remember waking up with Val next to me. It was dark. A few hours had passed. I looked at the clock next to the bed, and it was on the floor. I didn’t remember throwing it on the floor, but anything could have happened.
Being in that room was a great thing. I was happy to have Val next to me. Looking around, everything was in place. After taking inventory of my body parts and realizing that things were complete, I swung my legs over the side of the bed. My suit pants were on and very wrinkled. My white shirt fell loose against my chest. Val was on the covers and still wearing her outfit from earlier. I could see the side of her face, and noticing a smudge, I bent closer. In the dark, it looked black, but it had to be blood. Her stain went with one on my left sleeve. The events played over again in my mind, yet there was no moment where I recalled blood getting on us. I guess it traveled though. Then I realized that blood was not the only thing haunting our lives..
Somewhere outside of our walls, a few souls walked and waited. Shawn, Bryan, Travis and Drew all waited for me. I was the last one left. I made my way down to the kitchen as Val stayed in bed. Walking into the kitchen, I felt like breakfast even though it was dinnertime. We lived in a new universe now. Our time was not anyone else’s. Our lives were our own, and we succeeded in disconnecting from humanity. We fought to preserve our existence. We lied. I killed. We started this journey excited about a future, and now we were the future.
I heard a knock on the door as I wandered through my thoughts. I walked over and opened the door. Detective Williams, looking haggard, stood in front of me. He wore the same clothes as he had on earlier. His eyes were red.
“Can I come in?” he asked. I didn’t want to let him in but any avoidance was pointless now.