"How lovely!" Elyssa whispered.
"I thought you were thirsty," said the cat. His tail twitched nervously as he spoke.
"I am," Elyssa said. "But—oh, never mind." She knelt down beside the pool and scooped up a little of the water in her cupped hands.
"Who steals the water from the unicorn's pool?" demanded a voice like chiming bells.
Elyssa started, spilling the water down the front of her dress. "Drat!" she said. "Now look what you've made me do!"
As she spoke, she looked up, expecting to see the person who had spoken. There was no one there, but the chiming voice spoke again, in stern accents. "Who steals the water from the unicorn's pool?"
Elyssa wiped her hands on the dry portion of her skirt and cast a reproachful look at the cat. "I am Elyssa, Princess of Oslett, and I'm very thirsty," she said in her best royal voice. "So if you don't mind—"
"A Princess?" said the chiming voice. "Really! Well, it's about time. Let me get a look at you."
A breath of air, scented with violets and cinnamon, touched Elyssa's face. An instant later, a unicorn stepped delicately out of the woods. It halted on the other side of the pool and stood poised, its head raised to display the sharp, shining ivory horn, its mane flowing in perfect waves along its neck. Its eyes shone like sapphires, and its coat made Elyssa think of the white silk her stepmother was saving for Dacia's wedding dress.
"Gracious!" Elyssa said.
"Yes, I am, aren't I?" said the unicorn complacently. It lowered its head slightly and studied Elyssa. An expression very like dismay came into its sapphire eyes. "You're a Princess? Are you quite sure?"
"Of course I'm sure," Elyssa replied, nettled. "I'm the second daughter of King Callwil of Oslett; ask anybody. Ask him." She waved at the cat.
The unicorn scowled. "I should hope I would never need to ask a cat for anything," it said loftily.
"Overgrown, stuck-up goat," muttered the cat.
"What did you say?" demanded the unicorn.
"Nothing that would interest you," said the cat.
"You may go, then," the unicorn said grandly.
"I'm quite happy right here," the cat said. "Or I was until you came stomping in with your silly questions."
"How dare—Princess Elyssa! What are you doing?" said the unicorn.
Elyssa took a last gulp of water and let the rest dribble through her fingers and back into the pool. "Having a drink," she said. She really had been very thirsty, and she had taken advantage of the argument between the cat and the unicorn to scoop up another handful of water.
"Well, I suppose it's all right, since you're a Princess," the unicorn said. Its chiming voice sounded positively sulky.
"Thank you," said Elyssa. She stood up and shook droplets from her fingers. "It's very good water."
"Of course it's good water!" the unicorn said. "A unicorn's pool is always pure and sweet and crystal clear and—"
"Yes, yes," said the cat. "But it's time we were going. Princess Elyssa has to seek her fortune, you know."
"Leave?" said the unicorn. It lifted its head in a regal gesture, and light flashed on the point of its horn. "Oh no, you can't leave. Not the Princess, anyway."
"What?" Elyssa said, considerably taken aback. "Why not?"
"Why, because you're a Princess and I'm a unicorn," the unicorn said.
"I don't see what that has to do with anything," Elyssa said.
"You will gather trefoils and buttercups and pinks for me, and plait them into garlands for my neck," the unicorn went on dreamily, as if Elyssa hadn't said anything at all. "I will rest my head in your lap, and you will polish my horn and comb my mane."
"Sounds like an exciting life," said the cat.
"Your mane doesn't need combing," Elyssa told the unicorn crossly. "And your horn doesn't need polishing. As for flowers, I'll be happy to have Stepmama send you some dandelions from the garden at home. But I'm not interested in staying here for goodness knows how long just to plait them into garlands."
"Nonsense," said the unicorn. "You're a Princess. All Princesses adore unicorns."
"Well, I don't," Elyssa said firmly. "And I'm not staying."
The cat lashed his tail in agreement, and gave the unicorn a dark look.
"You don't have a choice," the unicorn said calmly. "You're not much of a Princess, but you're better than nothing, and I'm not letting you go. I've been stuck out here on the far edge of the Enchanted Forest for years and years, with no one to sing songs about me or appreciate my beauty, and I deserve some consideration."
"Not from me, you don't," Elyssa muttered. She decided that the cat had been right to call the unicorn a stuck-up goat. "I'm sorry, but we really must leave," she said in a louder tone. "Good-bye, unicorn." She picked up her bundle and started for the edge of the hollow.
The unicorn watched with glittering eyes, but it made no move to stop her. "I don't like this," the cat said as he and Elyssa left the hollow.
"You're the one who found that pool in the first place," Elyssa pointed out.
The cat ducked its head. "I know," he said uncomfortably. "But—"
He broke off abruptly as they came around one of the huge trees and found themselves at the edge of the hollow once more. The unicorn was watching them with a smug, sardonic expression from the other side of the pool.
"We must have gotten turned around in the woods," Elyssa said doubtfully.
The cat did not reply. They turned and started into the woods again. This time they walked very slowly, to be certain they did not go in a circle. In a few minutes, they were back at the hollow.
"Had enough?" said the unicorn.
"Third time lucky," said the cat. "Come on, Princess."
They turned their backs on the unicorn and walked into the woods. Elyssa concentrated very hard, and kept a careful eye on the trees.
"I think we're going to make it this time," she said after a little. "Cat? Cat, where are—oh, dear." She was standing at the edge of the hollow, looking across the pool at the unicorn.
"The cat is gone for good," the unicorn informed her in a satisfied tone.
Elyssa felt a pang of worry about her friend. "What did you do to him?" she demanded.
"I got rid of him," the unicorn said. "I don't want a cat; I want a Princess. Someone to comb my mane, and polish my horn—"
"—and make your garlands, I know," Elyssa said. "Well, I won't do it."
"No?" said the unicorn.
"No," Elyssa said firmly. "So you might as well just let me go."
"I don't think so," the unicorn said. "You'll change your mind after a while, you'll see. I'm much too beautiful to resist. And I expect that with a little work you'll improve a great deal."
"Elyssa doesn't need your kind of improvement," said the cat's voice from just above Elyssa's head.
Elyssa looked up. The cat was perched in the lowest fork of the enormous tree beside her. "You came back!" she said.
"Did you really think I wouldn't, Princess?" said the cat. "I'd have gotten here sooner, but I wanted to make sure of the way out. Just in case you've had enough of our conceited friend."
"You're bluffing, cat," said the unicorn. "Princess Elyssa can't get out unless I let her, and I won't."
"That's what you think," said the cat. "Shall we go, Princess?"
"Yes, please," said Elyssa.
"Put your hand on my back, then, and don't let go," said the cat.
Elyssa bent over and put her hand on the cat's back, just below his neck. It was a very awkward and uncomfortable way to walk, and she was sure she looked quite silly. She had to concentrate very hard to keep from falling or tripping and losing her hold as she sidled along. "How much farther?" she asked after what seemed a long time.
"Not far," said the cat. Elyssa thought he sounded tired. A few moments later they entered a large clearing (which contained neither a pool nor a unicorn), and the cat stopped. "All right, Princess," the cat said. "You can let go now."
Elyssa took her h
and off the cat's back and straightened up. It felt very good to stretch again. When she looked down, the cat was lowering himself to the ground in a stiff and clumsy fashion that was quite unlike his usual grace.
"Oh, dear," said Elyssa. She dropped to her knees beside the cat and stroked his fur, very gently. "Are you all right, cat?" she asked, because she couldn't think of anything else to say.
The cat did not answer. Elyssa remembered all the stories she had ever heard about animals who had been gravely injured or even killed getting their masters or mistresses out of trouble, and she began to be very much afraid. "Please be all right, cat," she said, and leaned over and kissed him on the nose.
The air shimmered, and then it rippled, and then it exploded into brightness right in front of Elyssa's eyes. She blinked. An exceedingly handsome man dressed in brown velvet lay sprawled on the moss in front of her, right where the cat had been.
Elyssa blinked again. The man propped his head on one elbow and looked up at her. "Very nice, Princess,'' he said. "But I wouldn't mind if you tried again a little lower down."
"You're the cat, aren't you?" Elyssa said.
"I was," the man admitted. He sat up and smiled at her. "You don't object to the change, do you?"
"No," said Elyssa. "But who are you now, please?"
"Prince Riddle of Amonhill," the man said. He bowed to her even though he was still sitting down, which proved he was a Prince. "I made the mistake of stopping at Queen Hildegard's castle some time ago, and she changed me into a cat when I refused to marry her dreadful daughter."
"Queen Hildegard? But I was supposed to go see her!" Elyssa exclaimed.
"I know. I told you you wouldn't like her," Prince Riddle said. "She condemned me to be a cat until I was kissed by a Princess who had drunk the water from a unicorn's pool. Her daughter was the only Princess the Queen knew of who had tasted the water. If she had also managed to kiss me I'd have had to marry her." He shuddered.
"I see," said Elyssa slowly. "So that's why you brought me to the Enchanted Forest and then found the unicorn's pool."
Riddle looked a little shamefaced. "Yes. I didn't expect to have any trouble with the unicorn; they usually aren't around much. I'm sorry."
"It's quite all right," Elyssa said hastily. "It was very interesting. And I'm glad I could help you. And—and you don't need to think that you have to marry me just because I disenchanted you."
"It is traditional, you know," Riddle said, with a sidelong glance that reminded Elyssa very strongly of the cat.
"Well, I think it's a silly tradition!" Elyssa said in an emphatic tone. "What if you didn't like the Princess who broke the spell?"
Riddle smiled warmly. "But I do like you, Princess."
"Oh," said Elyssa.
"You were always very nice to me when I was a cat."
"Yes," said Elyssa.
"And I like the idea of marrying you." Riddle looked at her a little uncertainly. "That is, if you wouldn't mind marrying me."
"Actually," said Elyssa, "I'd like it very much."
So Elyssa and Riddle went back to the castle to be married. Elyssa's family was delighted. Her papa kissed her cheek and clapped Riddle on the back. Her stepmama cried with joy and then was happily scandalized to hear about the doings of her old school friend Queen Hildegard. And both of Elyssa's sisters agreed to be bridesmaids (much to the dismay of the King's councillors, who felt that it was bad enough for a middle Princess to be married first without emphasizing the fact by having her sisters stand up for her).
The wedding was a grand affair, with all the neighboring Kings and Queens in attendance. There were even a couple of fairies present, which made the King's councillors more cross than ever. (Fairies, according to the chief councillor, were supposed to come to christenings, not to weddings.) After the wedding, Elyssa had her stepmama send a special note to Queen Hildegard. A few days later, Queen Hildegard's daughter disappeared into the Enchanted Forest, and shortly thereafter rumors began circulating that the unicorn had found a handmaiden even more conceited than it was.
And so they all lived happily for the rest of their lives, except the King's councillors, who never would stop trying to make things go the way they thought things ought to be.
Naked Wish-Fulfillment
by
Janet Kagan
The stories in this anthology so far have presented unicorns in many unusual surroundings, from Miami Beach to a suburban neighborhood to a Ute Indian reservation, but the story that follows, one of the finest of modern unicorn stories, shows us a unicorn in the most unlikely location of them all—on the set of a pornographic movie!
Although she has only been selling for a few years, Janet Kagan is rapidly building a large and enthusiastic audience for her work, and may well become a figure of note in the '90s. Her first novel, a Star Trek novel called Uhura's Song, was a nationwide bestseller, and her second novel, Hellspark (not a Star Trek novel), was greeted with similar warmth and enthusiasm. Her new novel, Mirabile, was just released to wide critical acclaim. She is a frequent contributor to Isaac Asimiov's Science Fiction Magazine, where two of her popular "Mama Jason" stories have won the IAsfm Reader's Award Poll by a large margin in successive years. She has also sold to Pulphouse and Analog. She lives in Lincoln Park, New Jersey, with her husband, Ricky, several computers, and lots of cats . . . but no unicorns (as far as we know, anyway!).
After the first twenty minutes, you don't notice who's dressed and who isn't—but it had taken Barbara some twenty minutes longer to notice that she no longer noticed. When she did, she opened her notebook and tried to put the effect into words. The result was disappointing.
She sighed deeply and returned to the equally frustrating task of cutting Dick's dialogue to a level he could handle. The most believable thing he'd said all morning was, "Hey, baby—wanna fuck?" and that had been to Barbara, not to one of the actresses. So much for all her hard-won comic dialogue . . .
By the time she had finished reworking the next scene on the shooting schedule, she became aware that Tom had called, "Cut! Take fifteen, people. Rick—let's get these lights moved. Suzy, not you. I need somebody to light. That's good, just lie there." Then he laughed, and Barbara pushed up the brim of her hat for a look.
Suzy had Bruppy the teddy bear's muzzle in her crotch and was writhing in mock orgasm. Tom caught Barbara's glance and her suppressed smile. "If you tell my wife where her daughter's teddy bear has been, I'll . . ."
"You'll have to buy her a new one," Barbara finished for him, her smile no longer suppressed.
Tom peered through the camera's aperture, fiddled with the light, peered again. "Lend me your hat, Barbara."
"No way," said Barbara, dropping her pen to clamp the hat to her head. "I've seen what you do with borrowed props. I lend you the hat you'll use it for water sports."
Across the room, Dick brightened visibly at the suggestion.
"Not with my hat you don't, Dick." She tightened her hold. "Next time I'll write you something special, but it won't include my hat." From under the brim, she raised an eyebrow at him suggestively.
"With whips?" Dick threw himself backward, arching his body until its highest point was the tip of his cock. "Flay me, baby!"
"No whips," she said, "but you do all your sex scenes upside-down, under water."
Beside her, Harry guffawed, but Dick came up off the couch, looking interested. "Yeah!" he said, "all right!"
"Hat," said Tom, prying loose her fingers and taking it. "Just to shade the light, dammit, Barbara."
Barbara handed him her copy of the script as well. "New lines for Dick," she said. "If you want, you can tell him I made him more macho."
"Right," said Tommy. He skimmed the scene. "Yeah," he said, "that should help." And for the third time since he'd learned what Dick considered acting, he said, "Sorry, Barbara, he came highly recommended."
"Not your fault," she said. "You had no way of knowing all they meant is Dick can it get up and off on cue." Then,
finding herself a bit puzzled, she sought the source of the inconsistency and added, "I'd've thought he'd give a better cum shot." Any tomcat (though it was ER that came to mind) would put Dick to shame. "He just sort of dribbles on his hand . . . I expected something splashier."
"That too," said Tommy unhappily. Then he held up the hat and said, "Thanks," as if he meant for the loan. Stripping gaffer's tape from the roll hung over the buck knife on his belt, he taped the hat to shade the right-hand light. Then he went back to his camera.
Barbara rolled her eyes at the nearest sympathetic face, in this case, Harry's. Not only was it sympathetic but (she had to admit) it was one of the best she'd seen on a male in years. The rest of him was just as good: tall, slim, dark-haired—every inch the romantic hero—except for the bright pink bow he was wearing on his dong.
Harry's specialty was burlesque, for this film at least. Barbara was grateful; she'd been able to expand his speeches to compensate for Dick's.
"Author!" he said, flopping his xeroxed copy of the script at her, "Oh, author!"
Now he was being Earnest Young Actor, and Barbara did her best to match him earnestness for earnestness. "Yes, Hurry?"
"Tell me, please. What's my motivation for this line?"
With effort, she kept her face straight as she read through the nccne he indicated. "Your motivation in this scene," she said, as she returned his script with a finger pointing to one of the more obvious double entendres, "is that you're horny."
Harry considered her gravely. Just as gravely he re-read the scene, paying special attention to the line at her fingertip. When he had finished, he met her eyes and said solemnly, "Yes, I understand. I can find that within me. Thank you."
Barbara held her laughter for a long moment only by holding her breath, then breath and laughter burst out at once. Harry grinned and nodded, the nod a bow acknowledging her laughter as the applause due him.
Unicorns II Page 21