by Sienna Blake
What has happened that he would go without sleep? And without time to shave or change his shirt or shower?
Cade breaks through my thoughts by pressing against me in a fierce kiss. I feel like I am melting between his hard body and the wall. His hands slip to my hips. In a single violent move, my underwear is torn from me. Before I can take another breath my eyes are covered by his large hand and everything goes dark.
I hear him unzip his pants. Almost instantly I feel Cade between my legs. His other hand grabs around my ass and he lifts one leg to spread me. He enters me in one swift push and starts to move furiously inside me.
My body responds with a violent pleasure. My back thuds against the wall as he grinds into my hips. I can feel his breath coming hot and fast against my cheek. He has never been so rough with me and it scares me and thrills me at the same time. I can do nothing except let myself be taken.
Finally, he growls and shudders. He falls limp against me, crushing me against wall. I can barely breathe, but it feels so amazing. For once, I feel like I’m the one holding him up.
I can feel his chin resting on my shoulder, his heavy breath blowing hot air around my neck. His hand still covers my eyes, but it’s starting to slip so that I catch glimpses of light through his fingers.
“It’s okay, Caden,” I whisper. “Everything will be okay.”
He jerks back. He lowers my leg to the carpet then pulls away, leaving me with an aching sense of loss. His fingers leave my eyes and I blink a few times as my eyes adjust to the light again. I hear a zip and I’m a little disappointed that I didn’t catch a glimpse of him.
He stays close, but he doesn’t hold me. He won’t look at me. He tugs at the binds until they loosen, turns his head from me and steps away. I move my forearms apart and the ties slide off.
Caden sits on the edge of the bed and pushes his face into his hands. I don’t have to see his features to know that he’s in pain. I can almost smell the guilt and remorse rolling off him.
What is going on? Are we breaking up? Is this goodbye?
I wrap my arms across my bare breasts. I feel so, so naked. I grab my discarded dress from the floor and wrap it around me like a towel. I’m terrified, but I have to know what’s happening.
I walk on shaky legs over to Caden and lower myself on the bed next to him. God, what do I say? I want to touch him, but will that make things worse?
He lifts his head from his hands and pierces me with his eyes. They are bloodshot from rubbing.
“I’m so sorry.” He sounds so sad and so, so sorry.
Oh God, he’s going to break my heart. This is it. The end. This is my punishment for breaking the rules the last time. He has decided he doesn’t trust me anymore. Each thought is a blade that stabs me in the belly.
“I…” he glances up, just catching the first tear that rolls down my face before I turn my head away. “Are you crying? Fuck.” In my periphery I see him reach out to touch my cheek but pauses before he does. He snatches his hand away and makes a grunting noise in his throat and rubs his face again instead. “What the fuck is wrong with me?”
“I can fix it,” I say turning back to him, “Just tell me what I’ve done.”
His head snaps up. “You? You haven’t done anything. I’m the one acting like a fucking animal.” His cheeks redden and he looks away. He’s embarrassed. “I can’t believe I just mauled you like that.”
It clicks. He’s upset over how he just acted. “It’s okay. I could tell that you needed it.”
His face twists in disgust. “I was so rough with you. God, the way I–”
“I liked it. Don’t get me wrong. I love it when you tease and take things slow, but I enjoyed that, too.”
As he studies me his eyes narrow. I can tell he’s looking for some sign that I’m lying to him. “But you didn’t come.”
I smile and test the waters by reaching out for his hand. I feel relief when his fingers curl around mine. “I’m sure you’ll make it up to me. We have all night, don’t we?”
“You’re not angry at me?”
“Only if you don’t stop beating yourself up.”
I can see the moment that he starts to believe me. Slowly a smile stretches across his face. His eyes twinkle as they roam over my body, covered loosely by my dress held up across my breasts by one arm. “Conveniently, you are still very naked.”
His hands strip me of my modesty and push me back onto the bed. He searches for the silk ties, dropped on the carpet, before he joins me.
He spends the next few hours or so making it up to me. Afterwards, I’m so detached and floating that I barely connect with this Earth. I float up on a cloud of bliss, far away from anything and anyone who wishes me harm. I float, safe, with Caden as my tether.
When I come back to my senses, he has removed my blindfold and my binds and I find myself tucked back against his stomach and chest. I can feel the soft toweling of the bathrobe he wears. His arms wrap around me and his chin rests on my head. It feels so intimate, this kingdom of just him and me. I’m infused with the confidence that he needs me, too. I’m ready to tell him my secrets if he will tell me his.
“Caden, why were you so upset before?”
He tenses behind me. He brushes my arm and I can tell it’s an unconscious movement, like he’s trying to brush it off. “Could you forgive someone who has to do something bad in order to do something right?”
“You didn’t answer my quest–”
“Please, just answer me.”
I know that he’s talking about himself. He deserves an honest answer. I knew when I met Caden that he had secrets dark as night. I remember believing that he was worth saving even if he thought himself beyond redemption. I still believe that. I do.
“Yes, I could,” I say.
“Could you love that same person?”
I already do. “Yes.”
We both say nothing.
“Go use the shower first,” he says, breaking the thick silence. His voice sounds uncertain and distant and it echoes as he pushes me forward across the sheets away from him.
I don’t argue. The rejection stings, and I need some space. I’m losing hope that Caden will ever open up to me. For the first time ever I need to get away from him.
The shower pressure in the hotel is good. The hot water eases over my thoroughly-used body like warm fingers. I have been satisfied several times, but the combination of the trickling water and the knowledge that Cade is just a thin wall away from me has me squeezing my legs together to ease the ache beginning to build there again.
I hate this.
I want him so badly all the time. I feel like a helpless addict. I can’t live without Caden. I can’t. But… what satisfied me before, no longer satisfies. What I was prepared to accept before I can’t accept anymore.
I need more from him. From us.
This terrifies me. Because, if I ask for it, demand it like my heart wants to, I know he’ll walk away.
I stare up at this wall we have between us in our own version of togetherness. If I want to get over it I have to climb it.
I come out of the bathroom, dressed in a newly bought emerald silk singlet and shorts set. It is two shades darker than Caden’s eyes, and I want to see his eyes darken to this color when he sees me in it. He isn’t looking at me. He’s frowning at his phone.
“Is everything okay?”
“What? Oh, of course.”
It isn’t. He’s distracted.
He’s never distracted with me. My gaze burns on the phone and I stand motionless watching him as he presses a few more keys then slips the phone into the pocket of his bathrobe. He grabs his bag and clothes and phone before he brushes past me into the bathroom without even a glance at me.
My eyes widen as I spot his cream pants, forgotten, tucked among the blankets that are crumpled on the floor near the bed. He never leaves anything out here with me when he goes into the shower. Never. I’ve checked before, trying to find some sliver of his life that I co
uld cling onto, something about him that he refuses to tell me. As soon as he locks the door I’m going for it. This is a chance for me to glimpse over this wall. A few more seconds and those pants are mine.
I feel him grab my waist, startling me – I hadn’t noticed him coming out of the bathroom. My heart lurches in my throat. Shit. He has remembered his pants. He saw me looking at them.
When I turn my head to look at him, he isn’t looking at his pants, he’s looking at me.
“I just need to tell you how beautiful you look.” He draws me in for a deep kiss that I feel all the way down to my toes. Instantly I feel guilty for wanting to pry into his life. When he releases me, my head is floating. Caden smiles at me one more time before disappearing into the bathroom.
No, don’t do it. Leave it alone, I tell myself as I fall into bed.
Click.
I flinch as the door locks behind him. He locks it every time and won’t let me in. I tried to surprise him once by sneaking in on him in the shower, but the door was locked. It’s always locked. He always locks me out. The noise is like a switch that flicks off the guilt.
I deserve to know about him. He won’t let me in, but I need to know.
My gaze draws to the forgotten pair of pants twisted in the sheets on the floor. I look over to the bathroom door, biting my lip.
Do I dare? Or will he remember his pants and come back out to retrieve them? I listen intently for the noise coming from the bathroom to try to determine what he is doing and whether it is safe for me to go through his pockets.
I don’t dare to think what he would do if he found out I was trying to pry into his life. Not that I think he would hurt me. Caden would never, ever hurt me. But… would he let too long go between visits to punish me? Would he stop wanting me as much as he does? Would his messages stop?
These thoughts chill my bones. Just as strong in my body is the throbbing curiosity and need to know more about him.
I sit, my nerves ablaze for a few tentative minutes. When I hear the shower turn on I’m on my feet. I creep to the bathroom door. I hear the noises of water hitting skin and I know he has stepped into the shower. I have maybe two minutes if I’m lucky. I tiptoe to his pants, half hidden where they lay. My heart is thumping like a warning in my chest.
I draw the pants from the twist of blankets. I slip my hand into the first pocket. Nothing. Then the second. Again nothing. Maybe I won’t find anything here?
I slip my hands into a back pocket and my fingers find something hard and leather. I glance again at the bathroom – door still locked, shower still going – before I pull it out. It’s his wallet. I frown. This wallet is battered and the fake leather is peeling along the crease. This doesn’t look like a wallet that Caden would carry.
I drop the pants and focus solely on the wallet, a window into Caden’s life. I open it. Inside, the card section is sparse. First I pull out a driver’s license with the name Caden Thaine on it. The picture of him is him but… it looks somehow different. This hair is longer and more unruly and he is scowling at the camera. There is a bank card also with C Thaine stamped across it. I turn the card over and note his hurried signature.
I separate the money section. There is cash in there. A lot of cash. In fifties. I count them quickly. Holy Jesus. Five hundred dollars. He has five hundred dollars in his wallet.
What the hell is Caden doing with all this cash?
I’m about to close the wallet back up when I notice another section tucked in behind the cards. My fingers probe this section. My heart skitters when I feel the edge of something flat and plastic.
I glance towards the bathroom door before I pinch the edge of this hidden object and pull it out. It’s a photo, creased and faded. It shows a close-up of a little girl’s face, perhaps only three or four. She’s smiling at the camera with her light brown hair and green eyes. I recognize them instantly. Those are Caden’s eyes.
Who is this girl? She’s obviously related to Caden. The photo is old and faded, so who knows how long ago it was taken and how old the girl is now. Is she his sister? His mother? Or… his daughter? A knot forms in my stomach. If he has a daughter, is he married? He can’t be. Caden doesn’t have a wedding ring on his finger nor does he have a tan line indicating he has been wearing one – I checked on our first date.
I hear the water turn off in the shower. Shit. I shove the card back in the compartment and grab the pants from the floor. My fingers probe for the back pocket. The back pocket, where is the back pocket? I find it and shove the wallet in but… it won’t go in. What the hell?
I realize I was trying to shove the wallet into the second back pocket. A second back pocket with something else in it. I missed something. I slip my hand in and flinch when I pull out… a second wallet.
This one is made of black weaved leather. I can’t see the brand label, but I can already tell by the softness of this leather that it’s expensive. Why is Caden carrying a second wallet?
A noise from the bathroom alerts me that Caden is coming out. Shit shit shit. I don’t have time to find out. I shove both wallets back into their respective pockets and stuff the pants back under the blankets. I slip under the bed sheet and feign sleepiness.
Click.
Just as the door unlocks. I watch it open through the slits of my eyes. I have to pretend that my head isn’t rushing around with questions. Who is the girl? What’s in the second wallet? I steady my breath and count backwards from ten to try to slow my racing heart. Calm, keep calm.
When Caden steps out of the bathroom he’s already dressed in dark blue pajama bottoms and a dark t-shirt. Out of the corner of my almost-closed eyes I watch him place his bag down on the bag rack near the door. He moves towards the bed to pick up the blankets and throw them over me. I hear his pants drop on the carpet when they fall out of the mess of blankets.
He frowns when he sees his pants. I close my eyes fully. I feel his gaze move over me. I hear him move back to the bag rack. Only then do I take another peek. He folds his pants and shoves them into the top of the bag and zips it up.
I close my eyes again as he turns.
I don’t make a noise as he walks over the carpet. The mattress shifts behind me and my heart patters as he slips under the covers. The bedside light clicks off and we are submerged in darkness.
He kisses the back of my neck and whispers goodnight and I feel a few drops of moisture from his hair drop onto my skin. He puts his arm around me like always. For once I don’t want him to hold me. I shake his arm off and scuttle further to the edge of the bed.
“It’s too hot,” I mumble. It’s a pathetic excuse but the only one I can come up with. I can feel the tension behind me. Then it releases and he settles on his back. Whether he believes me or not, he seems to accept my lie.
For the first time ever, we lie in bed without touching. My back feels cold and I curl tighter in on myself.
I can’t sleep. I lay awake, my mind whirring over and over that little girl’s photo and the second expensive leather wallet. It’s clear that Caden has another life outside of me but… what is this other life?
Who is Caden Thaine? Who is the girl he carries around with him? Where is she now?
What’s in that second wallet? Did he steal it? Is this how he gets all his money? Oh God. Am I sleeping with a thief? Another criminal? What is wrong with me that I keep picking guys like this?
Stop jumping to conclusions. You don’t know yet what is in that second wallet. Yet.
I have to find out. I just have to.
I listen for Caden’s breathing to deepen. Slowly his breath steadies and he seems to settle into sleep. I count to a hundred, then look over my shoulder. His face is turned slightly away from me. I think his eyes are shut. I hope his eyes are shut. I turn my head back to look towards the bag rack and my resolve firms. I have to know what kind of man sleeps next to me. I have to know.
I slowly lift the blanket and slide my feet out from the side of the mattress. I pause. Hearing no change in
Caden’s breathing, I pull the blanket back even further. Inch by inch I roll up to sitting. I place my feet on the floor and push myself up to stand. I pause and check over my shoulder. Caden hasn’t moved.
I tiptoe across the carpet, repressing the shiver that runs through me. I tell myself it’s just the coolness of the air compared to being under the blankets with Caden. I know I’m lying to myself. I’m dreading what I might find.
I stop next to the bag rack. I know from seeing Caden’s bag earlier that it’s a navy canvas boxing-style bag with two thick strap handles and a zip that opens up three sides of the top panel. In the dark I can just make out the shape of it. I feel around the top for the zip. It clinks when I knock it and I flinch. My eyes dart to the bed.
Still no movement. I hold the zip firmly between my forefinger and thumb and take in a deep breath. Shit, am I really doing this? I start to move the zipper around. Slowly, slowly so it makes as little noise as possible, just a small clicking noise as the zip separates the teeth.
Finally, it’s open wide enough to slip my hand in. I feel around the folded pants material for the back pocket, one eye on Caden’s sleeping form. I find the back pocket and slip my fingers inside. The wallet is still inside and the familiar soft leather lets me know it’s the right one. I pull it out, untangling it from the fold of material as I go.
My heart leaps into my throat when I hear the sheets rustle. Shit. Shit. I snatch the wallet out and turn my head just in time to see Caden rolling towards my side of the bed. I don’t have time to hide.
“Kitten?” His voice growls out to me in the dark.
“I’m just… bathroom. Just going to the bathroom,” I call back as I stumble through the open door beside me. Crap. Did he see that I was standing at his bag? Did he notice the wallet in my hand?
I close the door and lock it behind me. I fumble for the light switch and blink as the fluorescent light bulb sears my eyeballs. Shit. What am I doing?