“Chloe…”
“Mm?”
He gently turned my face to look at him. “What’s up?” An encouraging smile hinted at his lips. “You can’t be worried I’ll break Ella’s heart.”
I swallowed. “Even if I was, I’m expecting it.”
He winced a little as he slowly took his hand back. “I want to tell you I’m not really that guy…”
I nodded and looked down.
“I’m the first to admit – embarrassingly – that I like the attention and I let it go to my head. I’m young and stupid and – yeah – I’m arrogant. I feel like I have to be a certain kind of guy to get where I want to go in life. But I’m trying to remember nothing’s worth it if I lose the things I care about. I’m trying to be a better person.”
I looked up with a frown. “Why?”
He scoffed, but it was humourless. “Because you...” He paused. “People like you can’t really like that guy. And being scared the important people are going to leave is only going to make them leave…”
“Are you trying to tell me you’re afraid to have your heart broken?” I asked him.
“Aren’t we all? Friends, family…” He tipped my chin back up so I looked at him, “people who could be more.”
“Yet you didn’t really care when you broke all those other hearts?”
His eyes searched mine. “If I did, I didn’t mean to.”
“I could argue that makes it worse.”
“Are you going to?”
My lips tipped up involuntarily, which made his. “Not this time,” I told him.
My head was trying to remind me that he might have some pretty words, but that didn’t change anything. And it didn’t change the fact that Ella wanted him. So even if he wasn’t the guy I assumed he was and I was interested in him, he still wasn’t for the likes of me.
“I’ll let you win, if it will make you feel better?”
I laughed. “Thanks, but I’m okay.”
His smile was warm. “Okay.”
Our somewhat serious moment dissipated naturally and we waited for the next person to come and buy their tickets, chatting with Govi and Rica across the corridor.
Sometimes we pretended we couldn’t hear them, talking in stage-shouts. Other times the boys broke out into song. Usually it was Govi obviously trying to serenade Rica, and I could see it was totally working. He even pulled her into a dance at one point where they ended up hugging. To give them as much privacy as possible, I turned to face Eli.
“Sorry about him,” Eli laughed, turning around as well.
I shook my head. “I’m not.”
“I want to say he’s not usually like this–”
“But we both know he is,” I finished for him and he grinned.
“Govi’s gonna Govi.”
“And the world’s a better place for it, too.”
“So your perfect guy is someone like Govi then?” he teased and I smirked.
“Is that your unsubtle way of asking me who my perfect guy is?” I threw a ball of scrap paper at him and he caught it.
“Well, yeah. I wasn’t intending to be subtle,” he chuckled.
I nodded, sneaking a look at our friends as they were being all cute and mushy. “Okay. I’ll share if you do.”
He nodded. “Deal.”
I sat back as I thought about it. “I guess my perfect guy would make me laugh like Govi does. But I don’t know if I have the energy to keep up with his enthusiasm for life.”
Eli nodded and waved his hand at me to continue as he took a sip of his Peach Coke.
I grinned. “I don’t know,” I laughed. “I haven’t thought about it that much. I guess I want a guy who sees me. A guy who looks at me and doesn’t see the Ella understudy. Someone who doesn’t constantly compare me to her. He just likes me for who I am.”
“Hm…” Eli mused as he put the lid back on his bottle. “Makes sense.”
“That is not sharing.”
He grinned. “My perfect girl is drop-dead gorgeous. Blonde of course. Big boobs. Tiny waist. Wide hips. Legs for days. Oh and a brain the size of a pea.”
A snort escaped as I tried not to laugh. “I so hope you’re joking.”
“Of course I am.”
“Thank God. I might have lost all respect for you.”
“I didn’t realise you had any to begin with.”
“I have…a small amount of respect for you. Out of love for Govi, of course.”
“Oh. Of course. I couldn’t have possibly fostered any of that for myself.”
I shook my head a little overzealously and I hoped he didn’t notice.
Because it was plainly obvious that the respect I had for him had very little to do with Govi anymore. I wasn’t going to fall for Eli, but I liked him. He had, under everything, the makings of a decent friend. When he wasn’t being the rockstar wannabe. Those moments when he was properly relaxed, not performing, those were the moments I saw through what I sincerely hoped was a façade.
I cleared my throat, not trusting my voice to come out properly, then said, “You still haven’t told me about your perfect girl.”
He nodded, looking thoughtful. “She doesn’t put up with my bullshit, for starters. Anyone who lets me get away with acting like a twat is not long-distance material–”
“Long-distance as in long-term, or literally because you’ll be world-famous and always travelling?” I interrupted.
He looked at me. “Do you think you could do the long-distance thing?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. It would probably depend who was on the other end of the distance, wouldn’t it?”
Eli looked down to the bottle in his hands. “He’d have to be something pretty damned special?” It wasn’t really a question.
“I think they’d both have to be pretty special for it to work.”
“You don’t think you’d be worth it?”
I shrugged and looked down again. “I don’t think I’ve proven I am.”
“I think you’re short-changing yourself again.”
I smiled humourlessly. “I’m not. Right now, I’m a person I’m not interested in. How can I expect someone else to be interested in me?”
“How sure of that are you?”
I looked up quickly in surprise. “What?”
He shrugged almost self-consciously. “Well, how sure are you that someone couldn’t be interested in you?”
I blinked as my heart skipped a painful beat in my chest. My throat went a little dry and my breath felt short. “I guess then I’d have to say that they’re interested in someone I don’t intend to be for long.”
His eyes narrowed, like he was trying to find the right words. “What are you going to do if you’re already the person you’re meant to be?” he asked gently.
It was like he knew I’d take offence to it, but he was offering the suggestion as a comfort, as a compliment even if I thought it was the opposite.
“Eli…” I started, hoping this wasn’t going where it felt like it was going. “I don’t know what you think–”
“I think,” he interrupted pointedly, “there is someone I want to ask to the formal.”
I shook my head wildly and actually pushed my chair back with the force of my knee-jerk retreat. My heart hammered. It was a good hammering and a bad hammering. It was nervous excitement and panicked terror.
“Gin?” both Govi and Rica asked, pausing in whatever conversation they were having now.
I was still shaking my head. “No, Eli,” I said firmly.
“Chloe–”
“No.” I stood up.
“I didn’t even finish–”
“You don’t have to. My answer is still no.”
“Why?”
I leant towards him in the hopes Govi, Rica and whoever else might have been in the corridor wouldn’t hear me. “Because my sister’s a vengeful bitch.”
“Again the only reason you come
up with?”
“What? No. It’s not the only reason.”
“Then give me one I’ll not only believe, but accept.”
“I don’t want to go to the formal with you.”
“Really? Because there is a definite vibe between us.”
I felt my cheeks flush, but held my ground. “There really isn’t.”
“I’m not the only one feeling it.”
I was very hot all of a sudden. “You must be.”
“Are you really telling me you’re not interested in me?”
“I’m really not interested in you.” I made to turn away but felt rude, so I added a weird, “Thank you,” I immediately regretted then started walking away.
“Gin?” Rica called.
I stopped again and looked to Govi. “Can you… Can you take over for me please? I need to… Bathroom.”
“Sure.” Govi nodded, concern strong on his adorably confused face.
But I had no time for that.
I needed to put as much distance between Eli and me as possible.
I took deep, shuddering breaths as I manoeuvred through the steady trickle of students in the corridor. I almost felt like my heart beat was under control until I felt a hand on my shoulder and I jumped in fright.
“Dude! Sorry,” Rica said as I turned around. “I just wanted to see you were okay.”
I nodded. “I’m fine.” I wasn’t fine. “I just need to… Breathing.”
Rica looked at me and I knew she knew I wasn’t fine. I also knew she knew what had happened. I just had to hope she wasn’t going to try to make me talk about it.
And she didn’t. Sort of.
She just nodded. “Is there anything you want to talk about?”
I almost nodded, but shook my head.
I didn’t want to talk about what was going on in my head because that would make it more real than it was already starting to feel. And that was dangerous.
Because what felt real was that someone had picked me. They’d had Ella on as much of a silver platter as they were going to get her, but they’d picked me instead. And they weren’t Rica or Super-G or Aunt Bow. They were an attractive young man who made me laugh and made me question if what I’d planned for myself was actually what I wanted, someone who made me question who I thought I was and who I thought I wanted to be.
“No,” I told myself sternly.
“No, you don’t want to talk? Or no, you’re arguing with yourself in your head again and losing?” Rica asked uncertainly. “Again.”
“Why did it have to be him, Ree?” I asked. “Of all the people who picked me, why did it have to be him?”
“And what am I now?” she huffed. “Figment of your imagination? Consolation prize?”
“Never. You know what I mean,” I sighed.
Rica lost all her faux-bluster. “Yeah. I do. And I don’t know, Gin. I don’t know why it was him. But for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”
I nodded and gave a humourless laugh. “I mean, it’s not like I am interested. Of course. I just…” I shrugged, letting her work out whatever I might have been going to say.
“Sure.” Rica wasn’t convinced, but at least she didn’t call me out on it.
I was about to say something, but a commotion back down the corridor distracted me.
“What the…?” Rica muttered as we both turned to look.
People were milling about and the sounds of muttering were almost drowning out a song being played. Something about it drew me closer, and Rica stuck behind me as I pushed through to the front of the gathered crowd. But what I saw made me wish I’d kept walking away.
Eli was standing in the middle of the corridor in front of a totally fake surprised Ella, strumming his guitar and singing some nonsense about her going to the formal with him. Ella made sure to look around to see how many people were watching rather than concentrating on the guy who was apparently throwing all his hopes at her feet, if the lyrics were to be believed. There was a noise beside me and I turned see Lindy was even there, filming the whole sham.
My stomach plummeted and my throat closed up for a second.
But then Ella found me and the smile of victory on her face just made me angry.
As usual there was no sign of thank you, there wasn’t even an insincere modesty to the whole thing. She grinned like the cat who didn’t just eat all the cream, but devoured every mouse as well. She may as well have been standing triumphant on the lifeless corpses of all the people she stepped on to get what she wanted in life.
“Dramatic much,” I sighed, chastising myself.
I felt Rica shrug. “I dunno. I have to say I saw it coming. Like, way to be original, man.” She shrugged again and I looked at her in annoyance.
“What?”
She pointed to Eli. “He’s a rockstar, for all intents and purposes. So logically in this narrative, how else was he going to ask her?”
I opened and closed my mouth a few times, but didn’t really know what to say to that.
Before I’d worked it out, Eli looked at me and I had trouble trying to work out what his expression was trying to convey. He seemed to want me to be proud of him. Proud of him for asking a girl out? Like he did all the time. Like he could probably do in his sleep by now.
I felt myself give him a sarcastic grin and turned to walk away.
But the tersely snapped, “Chloe,” stopped me in my tracks.
I swung back around unenthusiastically to face my sister. Now that my mission was complete, I had zero inclination to pander to her absurd expectations.
“Ella,” I said testily and felt Rica’s elbow in my side.
I sighed, knowing Rica wasn’t wrong; it was better and safer to play nice. Even with the corridor now emptying of students on their way to classes.
“So Eli asked you to the formal?” I said as though it was a surprise to me. It earnt me another elbow from Rica, but Ella grimaced in the closest she could managed to a smile in my presence.
She batted her hair off her shoulder and I watched Lindy follow suit, her eyes on Ella adoringly.
“He did. I was surprised, of course. Who knew the Elijah Sweet could be interested in little old me,” she gushed.
I fought very hard to keep my shit together.
Twelve months. Neon lights. Freedom, I reminded myself.
“You don’t say,” was all I could come up with that was remotely polite.
Ella looked me over, displeased I wasn’t bowing and scraping and calling Eli the luckiest boy in the whole world to be taking Ella Cowan to the formal!
“Make sure Rica is free after school,” Ella said scathingly. “If she’s going to be at the formal, I need to approve her dress. I can’t have her embarrassing me.”
I had a great many things I wanted to say I response to that, but if I was physically holding Rica back now so she didn’t do it, then I should probably keep my own mouth shut as well.
“I’ve got the formal committee,” I reminded her.
Ella looked me over like less than the dirt on the bottom of her shoe. “I don’t recall you being needed.”
I looked at Rica whose expression told me in no uncertain terms that if I wasn’t there, she’d lay a whole world of hurt on me.
I took a deep breath. “I’m sure Rica would like me to be there with her.”
Ella sighed. “And she will. Next year. If anyone asks you to the formal.” She looked at Rica. “Be in the carpark by four.” And with that she left.
“I’m going to kill you,” Rica breathed.
I nodded. “I do not blame you.”
“Why couldn’t you have said yes?” she asked, her voice still a harsh whisper.
“When?”
“When Eli made it very clear he wants to take you.”
“He seems perfectly happy to be taking Ella.”
Rica groaned through gritted teeth as she grabbed my arm and shook me. “Did you ever think he might be doi
ng that for you?”
“He did not so enthusiastically ask her to the formal for me.”
“How do you know?”
“Because that’s ridiculous. He’s just finally turned his attention where it’s actually wanted.”
“Sure. Even though he quite clearly didn’t want to turn it there?”
“I was entertainment and now he’s moving on to the next act.”
“You did turn him down…”
I shrugged out of her grip on my arm. “Ella got what Ella wanted,” I told her forcefully, hoping to end the conversation. “Everyone’s happy.”
“Except Chloe, who never gets what she wants.”
I scoffed. “I don’t want to go. And certainly not with Eli.”
Rica had her ‘I don’t believe you’ face on. “Mhm…”
I shook out my shoulders. “I don’t.”
Casting a shadow
Ella had been a total prat all weekend. All I heard about was Eli. How dreamy Eli was, how perfect, how famous he was going to be. It was sickening. So sickening I slipped out of dinner and into Super-G’s back garden.
Aunt Bow found me a little later, sitting on a bench and staring up at the stars.
“You’ve been strangely quiet tonight, Gingernut,” she said as she sat beside me. “Are you compensating for the extra waffle coming out of Ella’s mouth? Or is something up?”
I huffed a small laugh. “What did you want to be at my age?”
She breathed out and looked up at the sky. “I wanted to be in a folk band and travel the world in my van.”
“What changed?”
“Well, for starters, the rude reality that it is very difficult to drive to another country from Australia. Waterproofing a kombi van was going to cost a shit tonne and I wasn’t convinced the old vdub was worth it.”
I snorted and looked at her. “Seriously?”
She shook her head and settled us back, her arm around my shoulders. “Plans change, baby. People change.” She kissed my hair. “Why do you ask?”
“I thought I knew what I wanted. I had it all planned out. But…what if I was wrong?”
I felt her shrug. “Then you were wrong.”
“That’s it?”
The Stand-In: my life as an understudy Page 14