by Natalie Ward
Evie nods against my shoulder before lifting her head again. “That’s a lot easier said than done,” she says, giving me a sad smile.
I smile back at her, tucking her hair behind her ears. “I know it is, but we both know it will never happen again, so all we can do is try.”
“It won’t,” she says, shaking her head as if to emphasise her point. “It won’t ever happen again, Ben,” she says. Her hands are under my t-shirt now, clawing and scratching at my skin, hungry and desperate. I let go of her, watch as she pulls my shirt up and off me. She never takes her eyes off me and they are filled now, with a determination, a want that makes my heart pound in my chest.
She throws my shirt across the room before her hands are back on me, her fingers moving everywhere, all over my bare skin, touching and teasing me. She shifts on the couch so she’s straddling me now, rubbing herself against me. I’m already half hard, the overwhelming need to have her, be with her in this moment, waking me right up.
“Evie,” I groan as she presses her mouth hard against mine. “Evie…”
“I need you, Ben,” she whispers, the words smothered by hard kisses. “I need you, now.”
“I know,” I say, understanding completely as I pull her t-shirt off. As soon as it’s over her head, her lips are back on mine and my fingers are undoing her bra, sliding it off her arms and throwing it onto the floor.
I slide my fingers down her ribs and waist to her sweat pants, pushing them down her hips as I go. Evie half stands so I can get them and her underwear over her hips and down her thighs.
“Baby, get up,” I breathe against her. “I need to get these off.”
Evie pushes off my chest, standing on the couch as she shoves her pants down her legs and kicks them to the floor. I’m still sitting between her legs as she stands over me and I use the opportunity to push my sweats down, kicking them to the end of the couch so both of us are now naked.
“Come here,” I say, staring up at her as I hold my hand out.
Evie slides her fingers into mine and gently sits back down, this time positioning herself against me so that I slide into her, her hips stilling against mine.
“Ben,” she moans, her mouth once more on mine, and not letting me say anything.
My hands find her hips, holding her, guiding her now as I move her against me. Slow because I need to make this last, but slow because I’m afraid of losing control right now. I might think I can let the past go and I might try to convince her that we both can, but those four years still feel like so much wasted time. So many mistakes, so many days and weeks and months that we lost, and it’s time that we will never get back either. No matter how hard we try. And even though I’m always trying to, my desperate, urgent hunger for her making me want to lose control with her right now, I know those years are gone forever.
“Ben,” Evie says again, the word an impatient groan.
“What, baby?” I whisper, shifting as I move my mouth from hers and press kisses along her jaw to her ear. “Tell me what you need.”
“You,” she says, wrapping her arms around my neck and bringing my mouth back to hers. “I need you. Now.”
I open my eyes and find Evie staring at me, her green eyes looking at me with so much love it actually makes my chest ache, hitting me with a force that’s so powerful, I almost can’t breathe. This is what I mean when I say that every time she comes back to me, I feel like I fall in love with her all over again. This is what I mean when I say that the force of what I feel for her is just so strong I can barely breathe, let alone think straight.
“Please,” she begs and I nod, closing the distance between us as I press a hard kiss to her mouth. My hands, which are still on her hips, grip tighter now, my fingers digging into her skin as I speed up our movements so that she’s riding me, harder, faster, pushing both of us to the edge.
My whole body feels like it’s on fire and Evie’s skin is hot beneath my hands, her body now covered in a light sheen of sweat. We’re still kissing, practically devouring each other, both of us desperate to get closer, to erase the past and all of the mistakes we’ve both made.
“Oh god, baby,” I moan into her mouth as she keeps moving against me. “Eva, shit…I’m going to…”
And then I do, my hand moving to touch her so I can push her over with me. It doesn’t take long, Evie throwing her head back as she lets out a loud moan and clenches around me, our bodies finally stilling as we both get what we need from each other.
My heart is pounding in my chest right now and I can feel hers doing the same thing as she collapses against me, her head falling onto my shoulder. I wrap my arms tightly around her back as I pull her even closer, our bodies practically glued together.
“Fuck,” I murmur, my face buried in her hair.
“Yeah,” she says, pressing soft kisses to my shoulder and neck.
“You okay?”
Evie nods against me and we sit in silence for god knows how long, both of us still trying to catch our breath, trying to get our heart rate back to normal. Eventually she lifts her head from my shoulder, her hands moving to cup my face, her fingers brushing my cheeks as she looks at me.
“Wow, I really needed that,” she says, finally smiling.
I smile back at her. “I think we both did,” I say, knowing that was the perfect way to erase all of the bad memories and thoughts and mistakes of our past. We still have more letters to read, more bad times in front of us, but knowing we are through that first one, the night which started everything, I feel like it’s gonna be easier going forward now. I feel like maybe this time, with Evie finally understanding my side of the story, we might actually be able to let all of this go.
“I also think I need another shower,” she says, glancing down at us. I’m still inside her, our bodies sticky with sweat and everything we’ve just done.
“Think I do too,” I say, grinning back at her.
“Come on,” she says, easing herself off me.
She stands up and holds her hand out to me, smiling as I slide mine into hers and she pulls me up off the couch. I pull her into my arms so our bodies are pressed together, skin to skin. “I love you, Evie Foster,” I say as I lean down and press a soft kiss to her mouth. “So fucking much.”
12:47 am - 1 March 2012
After we’ve showered, we walk back into the living room to grab our clothes.
“Maybe we should go to bed,” Evie says, glancing in the direction of our bedroom.
“You wanna finish reading them tomorrow?” I ask.
She shakes her head, smiling as she says, “No, just finish reading them in bed. Make it easier with all this debt I’m working off, right?”
I laugh. “Yeah, I might need to start banking some of that actually. You may have worn me out.”
Evie scoffs as she grabs the box of letters. I pick up the other box and together we walk into our bedroom, dumping our clothes on the floor before sliding under the covers.
“Worn you out,” she says, leaning back against my shoulder. “Like that’s ever going to happen.”
“I don’t know, I’m not as young as I used to be, babe,” I say, wrapping my arm around her shoulder and settling her against me.
Evie laughs. “Oh, okay old man, I’ll remember that. In the meantime, I never got to ask you my questions.”
I grin as I press a kiss to her neck. “No, you were more interested in molesting me I think, but go ahead, ask away.”
Evie laughs as she pokes my stomach. “And are you complaining about that?” she asks.
I shake my head, so glad that her earlier sadness has now gone. I know that what just happened between us was about so much more than just sex. It was about feeling connected, about proving to each other just how much we need each other. God knows we once went forever without it, even after she finally came back to me and we sorted everything out. Me breaking my back put a damper on that reunion in a big way, and I think both of us has always been trying to get that lost time back. Trying to
remind each other that this is how we really feel about each other.
“Ben?” she asks, poking me in the ribs this time.
I laugh as I tilt her face up and press a hard kiss against her mouth. “Nope, not one bit.”
“Didn’t think so,” she says, smiling up at me. “Should we move on?”
“No questions then, you’re good?” I ask, kissing her again.
“We’re good, Ben,” she says, smiling. “We are good.”
10 March 1996
Dear Evie,
It’s been 11 days and you are still gone.
Mum and dad came back today too. I still have no idea where you are and I finally got my letter for where I’m going.
It’s London, Evie, I’m going to London. So is Paul, we’re both are, but you know what, I don’t even want to go anymore. I don’t want to leave this place because you’re not coming with me and none of this means anything without you.
We were supposed to do this together, Evie, you and me. This was the start of our new life together. You and me, on our own, living together like grown-ups.
Instead, Paul and I are now getting a flat together. We aren’t working at the same station, but because I don’t have you, he and I are just going to live together. He broke up with Lily you know. Well she sort of broke up with him, didn’t want to move and didn’t want to do the long distance thing either. He figures it was a sign, good timing or whatever.
Paul keeps asking what’s going on with you and me. He saw you go running down the stairs that night, saw me go running after you. Everyone saw me come back alone, everyone knows you never came back. That you still haven’t come back.
The questions, Evie, so many fucking questions. I get them all the time, from everyone. They never stop fucking asking them and all I want to do is scream at everybody to shut the fuck up. To tell them that they have no idea, no one has any fucking idea what’s really going on here. No one knows what this is like, no one knows what we go through, no one.
Sarah’s worried sick about you. She and I have been spending a lot of time together because I think we both know that we are each other’s link to you. A part of me hopes that if you get your trigger and you don’t want to see me, that maybe you’ll want to see her. I don’t want that to happen, but if it can’t be me, then yeah, I want it to be her.
I don’t know…
All I do know is that this is killing me, Evie. Being apart from you has never felt this hard before. Being without you after everything that’s happened, during all of the years, but especially last night. Knowing there is no way I can fix this, that I can’t find you and explain it so that you understand, it’s fucking awful.
I don’t know what to do, baby. I miss you so much and everyone thinks we’ve broken up and no one knows why and they just won’t stop asking me questions.
Questions I don’t know how to answer. Questions I don’t want to answer.
Please, Evie, please just come back to me.
I miss you so much, baby.
Love,
Ben x
12:59 am - 1 March 2012
Evie lets out a deep breath. There are no tears this time though, it’s more like she’s gathering strength, preparing herself for what’s to come.
“Not fun, huh?” I ask her, kissing the top of her head.
She shakes her head. “No,” she says. “And you know what, all these things, how you were feeling. I was feeling it too,” she says. “I just didn’t know why.”
I half laugh. “I would’ve given anything to not know why,” I say, almost to myself.
Evie’s head falls back onto my shoulder and she stares up at me. “Funny, I would have given anything to be able to know,” she says. “I didn’t know what was wrong with me, why I felt so sad and lost.”
I lean in and kiss her, knowing there is nothing I can say to make it any better. It is what it is, and deep down, we both know that.
“Should we keep going?” I ask, knowing I just want to get through this part as quickly as possible.
Evie nods and I hand her the next letter.
2 June 1996
Dear Evie,
I’m leaving.
Today is the day Paul and I move to London. I still have no idea where you are and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here. I have to go, because I have to believe that one day you’ll find me again. That somehow you’ll find a way to forgive me or at the very least, let me explain. And when that day comes, I want to be ready, because I’m going to tell you everything, baby. And I’m going to get you back.
I’ve left my details with Sarah and with Mum and Dad. Rachel too, although she’s still living at home for the moment. They all know how to reach me, ok? And there’s Paul’s mum too, if that helps. I guess I don’t know who you’re going to reach out to. Maybe it won’t be me. I hope so, but I’m kind of thinking it won’t. I don’t know how things are going to go when your memories come back. I know when it happens you remember everything, so I know that means when you do, you’ll remember everything about that night too.
So Sarah, ok. If you have to talk to someone, talk to Sarah. She knows everything. Well, not about you disappearing, but she knows everything about that night, about what really happened. We’ve spent a lot of time together, trying to work out where you are. It’s been strange, searching like that when I can’t tell her the full story. But I’ve spent a lot of time telling her about what really happened that night, what that stupid girl did, what I didn’t do. She’s so worried about you, Evie. So am I.
We both just miss you, baby, so much.
Please…please come back.
I love you,
Ben x
15 August 1996
Dear Evie,
It’s been a while I know and I’m sorry. I just…I’ve been so busy with work and training and courses and shit. Although none of that’s why I haven’t written. I just…I’m just so fucking lonely, Evie. So lonely and sad and hurt and I just don’t know what to say to you. I don’t want to just write these things down, I want to talk to you, see you. I want to be with you, Evie.
I’d apologise a million times over if I thought it was going to bring you back to me. But you know what, I’ve done that and nothing has happened, you still haven’t come back. And it’s not like you’re even getting these letters anyway. It’s not like any of what I say here is going to make a difference.
I’m not giving up though, I promise. I’m just…I don’t know. I’m struggling, baby. A lot. Losing you is always bad enough, but losing you like this…
I really just need you to come home…please.
Love,
Ben x
25 December 1996
Dear Evie,
It’s Christmas and I’m back in Fleet with Mum and Dad and Rachel. But not you. You should be here, Evie, and what makes it a million times worse is that everyone’s stopped asking me about you. Everyone’s stopped asking where you are or what the hell happened between us or when you’re ever coming back.
And as much as I hated the questions, as much as I hated the constant reminder of everything that had happened between us, it’s only now that they’ve stopped that I realise how much I needed them. I needed them to help me keep you real, to help keep you with me. I’m afraid that if everyone just starts pretending you never existed, that somehow you won’t. That you’ll really disappear this time and I won’t ever get you back.
And I can’t let that happen, Evie…I really can’t.
God, I miss you so much. So much. Nothing is the same without you here to share it with. None of this means anything anymore and I don’t know what I’m going to do.
I need you to come back, Evie. Please…please I’m begging you baby, I’ll do anything. Please just give me a chance to explain.
I love you more than anything,
Ben xx
28 February 1997
Dear Evie,
It’s your 21st birthday today.
Happy birthday, baby.
<
br /> It’s also been a whole year since you disappeared and I still don’t know where you are. We’ve never been apart like this before and it’s killing me because I don’t know if you just haven’t remembered me yet, or because you really don’t want to see me anymore.
I miss you so much, Evie. I miss talking to you, seeing you smile, making you laugh. I just miss being with you. And I know that all of this is my fault. As much as it kills me to say this, there’s a part of me that understands why you haven’t found me yet, even if you do remember me already.
It’s taken me a long time to understand why you might be doing this. I always hoped that it was just because you didn’t remember me…and I don’t know if you do yet, but the thing is, I get it. I hurt you, didn’t I? I did the one thing I swore I would never do and as much as I wish I could make you understand, make you see what really happened that I night, right now I can’t.
Mum and Dad have started asking about you again. I think they thought that maybe today we might have talked, being that it’s your birthday and all. It was hard telling them that we hadn’t, that we might never. They miss you too, you know? They hate that they never got a chance to say goodbye to you. I had to tell them some lies at first, make up some bullshit to cover up what had happened. That hurt, not being able to tell anyone the truth, but at the same time I didn’t want to say it out loud either. I couldn’t bring myself to admit what a fucking dickhead I’d been. I can now though. Now I get it, I get why you’re so mad at me. But shit, Evie, if you would just give me a chance to explain. To tell you what really happened that night.