‘You. Are. Amazing,’ he sighed as he kissed around my ear. ‘You blow my mind, baby. You’re so receptive to everything I do to you, always trusting that I’ll let you come.’
‘Gabe,’ I whispered with a shaking voice, unable to control the spasms still continuing in my pelvis.
‘Close your eyes for me baby, because when you’ve rested I want to make love to you, slowly and gently. I want to make you come for me with my tongue, my fingers and my cock. I want to please you the way you please me every day, Mia. You’re everything to me, I’m so in love with you. Nearly three years on and I can’t get enough of you my beautiful girl. Sleep.’
I wanted to say something back, to tell him how much I loved him, but I was too tired after all that. I let out a contented sigh and let his strong heartbeat lull me to sleep as his cheek rested on my head and his arms held me tightly.
It was nearly dark when I woke up, alone. I stretched out and smiled, some seriously hot submissive sex and then another hour of making love had left me completely shattered. I headed to the bathroom to use my bidet to clean myself up, pulled on some knickers and a small crop top and headed out to the lounge. He was in the armchair watching some nature programme on the TV. It was still only ten o’clock.
‘Hey. I woke up and you’d gone.’
‘Hey,’ he smiled as I ran my hand through his hair, caressing his scalp. ‘Sorry, you looked so peaceful I didn’t want to wake you.’ He patted his lap and I climbed on and wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed his forehead.
‘I was tired. You did make me come rather hard, a number of times.’
‘I did,’ he smiled proudly.
‘Are you all packed?’
‘Yes, but we’ll go shopping when we arrive to fill our wardrobes over there to save carting everything each week.’
‘Ok,’ I smiled and chewed on my bottom lip.
‘What’s the matter?’ he asked as he pushed my sex tangled hair away from my face.
‘Something Doug said.’
‘O good, you’re talking again,’ he beamed.
‘You set that up! You were supposed to do a handover with him.’
‘It’s your business now Mia, I figured it was a way to break the ice, that you needed to deal with this.’
‘We did, he’s apologised and I’ve accepted, but told him I won’t be friends with him again until he apologies to Lexi and makes things ok with her.’
‘Seriously?’ he sighed. ‘He’s my best friend Mia, I want to be able to invite him around to join us sometimes.’
‘Well, Lexi’s my best friend and I won’t betray her.’
‘Bloody hell, you’re so damn stubborn.’
‘No, he was an arse and until he admits it I refuse to pretend that it all never happened. It needs to be out in the open, they need to hash it out and either never speak again or somehow be friends. The longer they leave it to fester the worse it will be.’
‘I wish you’d apply that logic to our situation,’ he sighed.
‘What situation?’
‘Don’t make out like you don’t know what I’m talking about. You’re refusing to discuss the IVF again.’
‘No, I’m not refusing to discuss it. We did discuss it and I told you categorically that I wasn’t doing it. There’s no further discussion to have.’
‘Yes, there is.’
‘I knew it,’ I uttered as I sat up straight. ‘Doug said he was happy to hear we were trying again. You told him we were, didn’t you?’
‘Mia, I don’t want to argue about this.’
‘I’m not arguing, I’m asking you to answer a question. Did you tell Doug that we were trying it again?’ I demanded.
‘Yes,’ he shot back. ‘Because we are! We can try it in August so if you get pregnant you won’t be suffering in the heat of the New York summer.’
‘Excuse me?’ I hopped off his lap and looked down at him in horror.
‘It’s the best way,’ he shrugged.
‘Did you even listen to me when we had all of those discussions in and out of therapy? I’m not doing it again.’
‘Yes we are Mia, it’s the only way.’
‘No we’re not, and no it’s not the only way, you’re the one being stubborn now.’
‘This is a joint decision Mia, you don’t get to say it’s not happening,’ he glared.
‘And you don’t get to say it is,’ I glared back.
‘You agreed Mia, you agreed to try. You know how important having a family is to me.’
‘And you think I haven’t tried?’ I was mortified. What the hell was this? What was he trying to say?
‘I didn’t mean it like that, of course you’ve tried, but you can’t give up. The chances of us having an ectopic pregnancy again are … minimal.’
‘Don’t you dare preach statistics to me, Gabe. Did you look at the statistics of a twenty-one year old being diagnosed with such bad endometriosis? Of ruptured cysts? Of having an ectopic pregnancy or losing an ovary, all in the space of two years? Because I think the statistics for those are pretty bloody minimal, yet here we are.’
‘I’m trying to help,’ he sighed.
‘No, you’re making it worse. I was perfectly clear with you that I’m not going through it again, I’m never going through it again.’
‘God damn it Mia, this affects both of us,’ he yelled as he launched himself up from the sofa to face me.
‘I know that, you think I don’t know that, Gabe?’
‘Then why the hell are you being so bloody obstinate?’
‘I physically can’t do it Gabe, my body is completely screwed.’
‘No it’s not, with the right specialist looking after you we can get you through this.’
‘I can’t believe how insensitive you’re being,’ I gasped as I backed away and wrapped my arms around myself.
‘Insensitive? Jesus fucking Christ. I’ve been Mr. Bloody Sensitive from the word go Mia, what more do you want from me?’
‘To respect my decision, Gabe. I didn’t want to have the IVF in January and you talked me into it, I only did it for you, against my better judgement and look what happened.’
‘So, it’s my fault. That’s what you’re trying to say? Us losing our baby and you losing your ovary? Everything’s my fault?’
‘No, I’m not blaming you. It is what it is. My body simply can’t handle a pregnancy. If I were to try again, I’m at risk of another ectopic or even losing my last ovary and going into early menopause at twenty-one. The risks are too high for me physically, and emotionally. I just can’t do it, Gabe. Be reasonable, I can’t go through this arguing all over again. I thought you understood that I was done.’
‘And I thought you understood that having a child with you was something I wouldn’t bend on Mia, it was one of my deal breakers when we got back together. I’ve been perfectly bloody clear about that from the start, you promised me, remember?’ he glowered. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
‘I promised to try Gabe and I have, I’ve tried so damn hard but I can’t do it anymore. When we got married you told me that you’d changed your mind. That I was more important, you promised me that. I won’t risk my health, or potentially my life, if I have another rupture, when we have other options.’
‘There are no other options, Mia,’ he yelled.
‘Yes there are. We have some frozen embryos left. We can find a gestational surrogate.’
‘I don’t want that. What don’t you understand about me wanting to have my wife give birth to my own fucking child?’
‘And what don’t you understand about me being hurt that you’re prepared to risk my life to have that child, Gabe? You can’t ask me to do that, you may have had the emotional pain of what we went through, but I was the one who carried the physical pain, me, not you, me. You can’t tell me what I can or can’t handle, you don’t know, you couldn’t possibly know. You’re being selfish, putting your own desires above my well-being and I can’t believe you’d even ask
me to put myself in that position again.’
‘I’m being selfish? I’m being fucking selfish? If you’d listened to me in the first place none of this would have happened,’ he roared as his fists clenched up. I backed away and looked at him hurt.
‘What do you mean?’ I whispered.
‘You refused to go to London to see the top specialist, you insisted on seeing Dr. Walker and a fat lot of bloody good it’s done us. If you’d done as I asked we wouldn’t be in this fucking mess.’
‘You’re blaming me?’ I gasped.
‘Yes,’ he shot back. I looked at him stunned. ‘You never wanted bloody children did you? I should have listened to you from the start. You were perfectly clear and you tried to make it obvious to me by refusing to see the top specialist. No one can be that unlucky so many times in a row. You must have done something, bloody dancing when you weren’t supposed to be, wearing those sodding heels when I told you to wear flats. You never wanted to have a child with me, well now you’ve made it clear. Don’t worry, I’ve finally got the bloody picture.’
‘I didn’t ask for this, Gabe,’ I yelled, unbelievably angry with him. ‘No, I never wanted children, but you convinced me. I spent ages in therapy for you working on my issues and you know what, I did want them. I wanted them so badly and every time I saw another mother and child it would eat me up inside, and each failed attempt just amplified that. I wanted that, I wanted to be able to love a child, to give you a child because I knew how desperately you wanted it. Do you have any idea how it feels to be a woman who can’t get pregnant? It’s one of our main purposes in life and I can’t even do that. I just lost a part of myself, a part of what makes me a woman. How would you feel if you’d just had a testicle removed? You had a virtual breakdown over not being able to swim, you seriously can’t put yourself in my shoes and realise how hard this is for me? I don’t understand why you’re being so mean to me. I’ve tried Gabe, I really tried, but I can’t do anymore.’ I started sobbing and flopped down on the sofa.
‘Shit Mia,’ he sighed. I felt him sit next to me and stroke my hair, but I batted his hand away.
‘Don’t touch me,’ I hissed. ‘I’m feeling so hurt right now. You’re trying to force me to do something I don’t want to do, you’ve just accused me of deliberately sabotaging my chances of getting pregnant and blamed me for the loss of … I don’t think I’ve ever felt so let down in my life. By anyone. Not even my own damn father has hurt me the way you just have.’
‘That’s unfair. I’m hurting too Mia, and you won’t work with me.’
‘I have worked with you, Gabe. I know we’re a couple, but it’s my body. I’d never ask you to do anything that would risk you getting physically hurt, yet that’s what you’re asking me to do, I just … I can’t believe it.’ I looked at him through my tears, totally unable to comprehend why he didn’t understand this. ‘Are you having one of your PTSD episodes again? Because this just isn’t you talking.’
‘I’m just asking you to try one more time Mia, with the specialist in London, that’s all.’
‘No, that’s not all. You said “one more time” last year, you begged and you pleaded with me and I couldn’t bear seeing you so distraught, so I went against my better judgement and did it for you. You’ve had your one more time Gabe, it’s gestational surrogacy, adoption or nothing at all.’
‘I don’t accept that,’ he said stubbornly.
‘You don’t have to accept it Gabe, I’m simply telling you that I’m not doing it. I don’t care how much I love you, I’m not doing it. You need to have some time to think about what’s more important to you. Our marriage and the chance of having our baby born to someone else, or your obsession with needing me to give birth and putting myself at risk, because if that’s what you truly want, then that’s not the man I want to be with.’
‘O my God, we’re back here! You’re giving me an ultimatum again? Give up my dream or you walk?’
‘It’s not an ultimatum, Gabe. It’s stating facts. I’m not doing what you want, if you can’t accept that then that’s your decision, but I won’t be in a marriage where the person who’s supposed to love me unconditionally, in sickness and in health, blames me for what’s missing in his life and makes me feel so … worthless. I think we need to take a time out while you reassess. Have a break. Go to New York and stay working there for as long as it takes for you to decide what’s more important to you, and I’ll wait here for your answer. I love you, but I can’t do this anymore, I’m running on fumes and I have no fight left in me.’ He just sat staring at me and I wiped my eyes and went to the bedroom and grabbed my case that was already packed for the trip to New York. As I wheeled it out he stood up and turned to face me.
‘Where are you going?’ he demanded.
‘To sleep at Lexi’s. Ring me from New York when you’ve made a decision.’
‘Don’t you dare walk out that door, Mia,’ he hissed.
‘Gabe, I’m exhausted and I’m really upset with you, I feel let down and hurt. Please don’t make this any harder. Give my love to Robert, Sofia and Ava and I hope the new job goes well.’ I bit my bottom lip as it wobbled and opened the front door.
‘You walk out of that fucking door we’re over, Mia,’ he hissed.
‘Gabe, seriously. Don’t be so melodramatic. I’m suggesting a break to re-evaluate and cool down. I’m not leaving you.’
‘I’m not being melodramatic. You’re my wife and I’m ordering you to stay. You will stay. We’re going to talk about this until we agree a way forward.’
‘You just don’t get it do you?’ I sighed. ‘We can’t agree Gabe, I won’t change my mind and you refuse to change yours. Screaming at each other for the next few hours isn’t going to resolve anything. This is me. Fucked up, unable to give natural birth to your child, me. If you can’t accept me or love me how I am, then there’s nothing to talk about. I want you to seriously think about this because I’m not revisiting this conversation ever again. I will NOT do the IVF and I will NOT spend the rest of my life with a man who blames and resents me. The ball’s in your court now, you take the time to think about whether you can accept me as I am and forgive me for whatever mistakes you think I may have made when it came to losing … losing our baby, or you walk away from me. It’s really that simple. Whatever you decide and despite how horrible you’ve just been to me, I need you to know that you’re the love of my life, you always will be.’ I wiped my eyes on my sleeve and pulled my bag out of the door.
‘If you really love me as much as you say you do, you wouldn’t leave,’ he called. I looked back and saw him wipe some tears from his face.
‘If you loved me unconditionally, you wouldn’t have forced me to.’
‘One last chance Mia, make a decision.’
‘You just made it for me, Gabe,’ I whispered and I closed the door behind me with shaking hands and a broken heart.
Coping Strategies
I’d done my best to settle into my new life without him. When I’d stepped out nearly two weeks ago, I’d really expected him to call. I thought he’d take a day, or two at most, to realise that what he was asking of me was unreasonable. I thought he’d ring to tell me that he’d thought it over and that he was sorry, that I was more important to him than that. I thought he’d agree that we could try the surrogate route and get back on track. I was a fool. I’d sat waiting for a call that never came. I’d picked up the phone myself, so many times, daily, but I knew in my heart that if he couldn’t forgive me and apologise, I’d never be able to forgive him and we’d never make it. I’d cried for a week solid, with Lexi cursing him at every opportunity. Robert had called, begging me to fly over and try and work it out with Gabe. Sofia had called in tears, saying that I was right. She agreed that I had to stay strong, that I’d given enough of myself and that he had to accept that. She also said that her heart ached for me. My heart ached for me.
Part of me hated him for the things he’d said to me, as if I wasn’t feeling guilty en
ough that I’d failed him, to have him tell me that he blamed me? I hadn’t told Mum yet, I couldn’t bear to, like if I told her it would all become real somehow, that it would mean that we were definitely over. Lexi had given me her key to next door, I’d left mine inside, along with my car keys when I’d left, but I couldn’t step foot in there and didn’t want her to. It was still our house, well his house, and I didn’t want her to go clearing my stuff out until he’d returned and we’d had a conversation about it.
I was taking a high salary from Greyson’s, Lexi was refusing to let me pay rent or anything toward the bills, saying that she owed me. So I’d set back up in my old bedroom and just gone out and purchased a whole new wardrobe and accessories, plus some extra to cheer myself up. I’d thrown myself into work, spending my days there dancing, teaching or sitting in my office doing paperwork. Doug and I communicated by email only, he started that by emailing me queries instead of talking to me, so I started replying by email, but whenever I saw him he’d give me the sympathetic look. He knew. He was obviously in contact with Gabe. I hadn’t told anyone, not even Cindy and Max. Business was business. I saved my tears for at home.
Infinite Love (The Austin Series) Page 35