Doug and Lexi drove me to the hospital to see her, but it was me that needed to be taken to A&E. I was dying. My heart was disintegrating at the thought of losing her, and I knew that I’d never be able to reassemble it if I did. She owned me, completely. Without her, I’d be the walking dead.
The Specimen
Come on Gabe, get a grip, I told myself as I tried to masturbate into the specimen cup, but it just wasn’t happening. I needed Mia, my muse. No one else even stirred a reaction in me anymore, not even Chelsea. Mia had blinded me to the opposite sex, she was all I could see. I stuck my head around the door and my stomach flipped to see her sitting there, her beautiful hair tumbling around her shoulders as she picked at the top of those damn sexy over-the-knee socks.
‘It’s not happening,’ I whispered. She looked up at me surprised.
‘You can’t … you know?’
‘No.’ I was embarrassed, this had never happened before, but he soon jerked to attention when she stood up and gave me that amazing smile, then came in to help me out. She looked hurt when I asked her to face the door. I couldn’t look at her while I was being sexual, not since … not since that bastard took her and tried to touch her. I’d let her down, I’d promised to protect her and I hadn’t. I felt so damn guilty that I couldn’t even look in her eyes when I came. I didn’t want her to see how much I hated myself for breaking my promise to never let anyone hurt her. I’d only loved two women in my life. My mum and Mia and I’d failed them both. Mia was going to be my redemption. I was supposed to take care of her, having a child with her would cleanse me, prove that as a man I had what it took to look after my family. It would make up for my failings as a child. I couldn’t look at her face as I emptied myself into that cup.
The Wedding
I practiced deep breathing as I looked out over the loch. I was getting married and I was nervous as hell. What if she changed her mind? What if she didn’t turn up? She’d promised me that she didn’t blame me for her abduction and I’d finally started to accept that it wasn’t my fault. I’d done everything that I could, but I still needed to shrug off this weight of losing Mum and my sibling. Mia had helped me so much, she’d made me believe that I was a good man, a strong man, a man that she felt safe with. Starting my new life with her was everything to me. She’d be mine completely, for eternity. Having our child together would finally lay those old ghosts to rest. She was going to cure me, was already so close to curing me.
‘Dude, seriously, you need to chill,’ laughed Doug as he slapped me on the back.
‘What if she’s changed her mind? What if I screw up again and she leaves me?’ I sighed as I shoved my hands through my hair. I’d never been so nervous in my life.
‘She hasn’t changed her mind. She was wearing her dress and looking seriously happy. You’re the love of her life mate, anyone who didn’t know that would spot it a mile off. She stuck with you through your accident and all the crap you went through, when most girls would walk away. If she can handle that, you’d have to be a pretty shit husband to make her walk away from you now, and if she did, I’d probably tell her that it was for good reason.’
‘Thanks, some mate you are.’
‘Gabe, I’m telling you that for her to leave you, it would have to be a fuck up of royal proportions, so you’d deserve it. Anyway, you can relax, she’s here and she looks stunning.’
I nodded and took another deep breath. I couldn’t look around. I was so emotional that I could feel tears pricking at my eyes. She wanted me, she loved me and she trusted me. I never wanted to let her down, ever again. I wanted to be the perfect husband, the man she deserved. I gritted my teeth to prevent me from looking around at her. I’d missed her so much these last forty-eight hours and sixteen minutes, but I didn’t want anyone to see me cry. I was man for God’s sake. You will not cry Gabriel Austin, I told myself. I knew it was a ridiculous promise to make to myself the minute I turned to see her standing at my side. Seeing her everyday still took my breath away, but today … today she’d just hit me with a wrecking ball.
‘Mia … I … wow … you look … so … damn it, I can’t talk again.’ I laughed, embarrassed as I felt my eyes water. ‘You’re stunning,’ I sighed as I took her right hand and squeezed it hard. I cupped her face and leaned in and planted a tender kiss on her lips and heard her let out a soft moan, which made me chuckle. I loved that I affected her so badly. As badly as she did me.
‘I wasn’t going to cry,’ she moaned as she dabbed her eyes.
‘Me neither,’ I nodded as I wiped my eyes and scanned her again. I’d never seen her look more beautiful, and this was Mia we were talking about. When women were created, she’d set the beautiful benchmark. Damn it, I was getting hard as well. Her firm tits were heaving in that gold bodice. ‘Amazing dress, baby.’
‘Thank you,’ she giggled. She knew exactly what was running through my mind. I nudged her fingers apart and laced mine between them, determined not to let go until I knew she was officially mine. I cursed myself for choking during my vows, but when she said hers, all sincerely as her stunning blue eyes merged with mine, she ripped my heart right out of my chest. As my wife she owned it now, it didn’t belong to me anymore.
‘O baby,’ I sighed and hauled her against me and kissed her with all the passion I could muster. I didn’t care that I’d jumped the gun. She was mine. Finally mine and I wanted to taste my wife.
The Loss
I thought I’d been a bundle of nerves when my sister Ava finally arrived, safely. It had felt like some of the shackles of my childhood had been released. I had another chance with my new sister, to love and protect her, as well as Mia. Those nerves were nothing compared to what I was feeling right now, as Mia lay on the bed awaiting her ultrasound. Getting her through this pregnancy was my life’s mission and I was not going to fail this time. I’d walk over hot coals for my wife and unborn child. No way was I losing either of them.
When we were told that our baby was growing in her fallopian tube and needed to be terminated, I’d never felt pain like it. I’d been eviscerated. I felt my guts spilling out over the polished hospital floor. I tried so hard to be strong, to be the man that my wife needed, but inside I was dying. I’d failed, again. How many more times could I let the people I loved down?
I could see her pulling away from me, shutting down because the pain was too much for her to endure. I was losing her. I was so desperate I even resorted to blackmail. “Talk to me or I won’t show you any affection,” I snapped. What the fuck was wrong with me? I tried to focus on managing Greyson’s while she recovered, but I hated being there. Everyone just went about their business like nothing had happened. It hadn’t. To them. They didn’t know the loss we’d suffered. I felt like a pit pony, the tar was dragging me down and no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get out. We were drowning. Having a baby with her was all that could save us now. The thought of it was a shining lighthouse beacon slicing through the fog. We just had to focus on it and we’d make it safely to shore, avoiding crashing on the rocks.
The Separation
I recognised the look in her eye when I told her that we were trying the IVF again. She reminded me of that argumentative, stubborn and challenging girl that I first fell in love with. That I was still in love with. But this was one battle she wasn’t going to win. Her having our baby was so important, I thought she understood that. I was furious with her and lashed out as she refused to see sense. She knew what this meant to me, to us, why was she fighting me? When she told me that she wasn’t coming to New York, that she needed some space, I lost it. If she thought she could just take a break now, when I could feel her drifting, when I was clinging to her by my fingertips, she had another think coming. Ordering her to stay didn’t work. I should have known better. This was my Mia. My hot headed, feisty, challenging, Mia.
‘If you really love me as much as you say you do, you wouldn’t leave,’ I called, in a last ditch attempt to stop her as she stepped toward the door. I brushed
some tears from my face. She wouldn’t leave. She’d promised me that she’d never leave me. She’d promised me that she was my forever.
‘If you loved me unconditionally, you wouldn’t have forced me to,’ she replied looking defeated. How the fuck was this my fault? I was trying to fix us.
‘Once last chance Mia, make a decision.’
‘You just made it for me, Gabe.’
I watched stunned as she closed the door on me. She’d just left me. And taken my heart with her, along with all of my emotions except for fury. I left for New York without her and drowned my sorrows for thirteen nights in a row, until Dad finally lost patience with me.
‘Gabriel, you’re making a huge mistake,’ he sighed as he ran his hand through his hair. ‘You’re being unreasonable. Mia’s been through enough. Are you deliberately trying to push her away?’
‘No,’ I yelled as I staggered back to the island and poured myself some more whiskey. ‘I’m trying to fix us. Fix my fucking marriage. She obviously blames me. Blames me for losing our … losing our baby. I need to fix it by giving her another.’
‘Please put the whiskey down. You can’t hold your liquor and you need to be thinking with a clear head. There was nothing wrong with your marriage other than this obsession you have with trying to make Mia give birth to your child. Mia is not your mother, Gabriel. Forcing her down this path, risking her life to do it, is selfish and ill advised. It won’t bring your mother back and it won’t make up for any residual pain and guilt that you may still feel inside.’
‘What do you know,’ I muttered.
‘I was her husband, Gabriel,’ Dad roared. He picked up my glass and hurled it across the room. I watched it shatter as I stepped away from him shocked. ‘I promised to love her and protect her and I failed too. Trust me, I know exactly how you are feeling, except I lost Tabitha and our baby, you still have Mia, if you haven’t pushed her away for good already. Right until the moment Ava was born I thought that she’d wash away my guilt. She didn’t. Ava’s brought me immeasurable love and happiness, but I was the only one who could forgive myself for your mother and the child we lost. I finally have, because living with a foot in the past was stopping me from fully appreciating my future. You have to let it go.’
‘No,’ I growled stubbornly as I tried to push him away when he approached me. But when he pulled me into a tight embrace, I suddenly broke down and sobbed on his shoulder. He’d just turned on the light switch, illuminated the truth for me. If I continued down this path I’d lose Mia forever. ‘I love her so much, Dad.’
‘Then let it all go, son. You were a child, forgive yourself and make peace with Mia. She’s the best thing that ever happened to you, she helped you open up and love again and you’ll be miserable without her. I can’t bear to see you suffer any more than you already have.’
‘I need her,’ I whispered. ‘I miss her so much.’
‘So go home and sort this out, before it’s too late. I’ll sort the company jet for you. Go and pack.’
I paced the floor of the plane as I headed home, wringing my hands. I’d fucked up. Seriously fucked up. Dad was right. Mia bearing my child wasn’t going to change the past. Mia was the most important thing in my life, I’d been so focussed on having a baby, how could I have lost sight of that? I was terrified that I’d let her down so badly, that she’d never forgive me. I’d wallowed for two weeks, two fucking weeks, letting her think that I blamed her. It shouldn’t have taken me two seconds to choose her over any alternative. How the hell was I going to convince her of that? If I lost her now, I had no one to blame but myself. If I lost her now life wouldn’t be worth living.
The Reconciliation
I lay on the bed facing her, our fingers entwined. I had to be the luckiest man alive. My wife was not only beautiful, but she was brave, honest, and forgiving. Against all odds, she’d given me another chance. When she’d lied about sleeping with Tyler to push me away, I’d felt my legs get swiped out from under me. More shocking was that I didn’t hate her, I hated myself. I’d driven her to it. In that moment I’d decided that I needed to let her go. I’d promised to let her go if I thought someone else could make her happy. But that promise was short lived, I was too selfish to let her go. I needed her. I’d turned up drunk pleading with her to take me back, I was prepared to try and bury the pain I felt at her having slept with Tyler. I wasn’t too proud to admit that she had me by the balls. I’d always thought of her as my possession, when in fact it was really the other way around. I was hers. Completely. The relief I’d felt when I found out that she’d lied was … indescribable, but nothing compared to hearing her agree to go on a date with me again. I lay watching her gently breathing as she slept, wondering what I’d done to deserve such an incredible woman.
Our Happy Ever After
I stood at Mum’s grave, sixteen years to the day that I’d lost her. So much had changed since in all that time. Except I hadn’t truly lost her, she was still in my heart, still in my soul, I knew I’d always carry a piece of her with me. Today though was the first time that I stood here on this anniversary, without blaming myself, I’d finally been able to forgive myself and let it go. I looked around me with a smile. I was surrounded by my closest family. Dad, Sofia, Ava, the most important person in my life, Mia, then our children, Greyson and Tabitha and of course Mum. She was here with us too and I knew she’d approve, of all of it. Especially of me, of the man that I’d finally become. It had taken me a long time to get here and I hadn’t done it unaided. In fact, two of my closest family were missing, Doug and Lexi. Without all of these people in my life I wouldn’t be standing here now, the proudest husband and father imaginable. I looked over at Mia, she had Greyson and Tabitha balanced on each hip as she giggled and kissed them both repeatedly. Looking at my wife and children made my chest constrict every time, the love I had for them was too big for this body of mine, let alone my heart. I remembered my wedding vows and made myself a promise that I was never going to lose sight of them again.
‘Mianna Page. The sun rises and sets with you and you’re the moon and star light in that void between. You’re the air in my lungs, you control my breathing, the blood in my veins which gives me life and purpose, you power the beat of my heart. You’re the marrow in my bones which helps me stand and make it through the time that we’re apart, and you’re the joy in my soul which makes me love you, and my life with you, more and more each day. I intend to devote every moment of my life making you as happy as you make me. I’m going to love you, cherish you and protect you for the rest of your life, you’re my everything baby, my forever.’
We truly were destined. Mia Austin was my infinite love.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank you so much for sticking with Mia, Gabe, Lexi, Doug and all the other characters in The Austin Series.
If you enjoyed it, please could you spare a moment to leave a review for me? They mean so much to authors, they help new readers discover our work and make all the long hours sat alone at our keyboards creating these stories so worthwhile! CJF x
Acknowledgments
Thank you to all my loyal readers and fans for making it this far with me. I’m always in awe at the reception The Austin Series has received and your words of encouragement have been so rewarding.
Thank you to my three Beta Readers, Amy, Michelle and Pollie, who tested out my first draft and encouraged me to pull back the reigns a little on the angst!
Thank you also to Ella Marie, my new editor, who is starting to get her head around some of the quirky English spellings and expressions!
CJF x
A complete box set of The Austin Series will be available 1st September 2014.
What’s Next?
I am currently working on 31 Days, a series of two erotic romance with humour novels, due out in December 2014 and January 2015 respectively.
31 Days of Winter
Ellie Baxter is a twenty-six year old Senior Editor in a Publishing firm, whose relationship is stagn
ant and she feels unfulfilled and underutilised in her career. Following a shocking discovery, her best friend convinces her to take a month out, to give her time to reassess her life. So she books a month’s retreat in a cute little boat house, situated on an island in the middle of a loch, in a remote part of Scotland. Her intention, to be as far away as humanly possible from any distractions. What she didn't expect was the instant chemistry with the caretaker of the island. Ruggedly handsome and mysterious, she is intrigued by him, but he is a closed book, one she becomes desperate to open to discover the secrets held within.
For more information on release dates, please check out my social media links:
http://www.cjfallowfield.co.uk
https://www.facebook.com/cjfallowfield
https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/7807992.C_J_Fallowfield
https://www.twitter.com/CJFallowfield
Infinite Love (The Austin Series) Page 48