Typically the Princess was on great form, though today for a better reason than ever before. As soon as all of us were seated together, she demanded a toast, and said, ‘Good news, everyone. I’m in remission. Yes, you heard right, I’m cancer-free. So, I’d like us all to drink to me, please.’
The rest of us immediately put down the glasses we’d been holding in the air and tackled her to the couch for hugs, with whoops of joy. Just over a year earlier she had been diagnosed with cervical cancer and put on an emergency course of chemotherapy. Thankfully, she had responded well to treatment, and, assisted by some complementary healing by some fella from Wicklow who could talk to horses and had magical hands, she was back to normal relatively quickly. But hearing news of remission was the best thing that any of us could have wished for. Her cancer was never mentioned unless Lisa brought it up, and since she never talked about it, her condition had preyed on our minds.
After a short love-in, she shoved us away, saying, ‘I’m sympathy allergic.’ She ordered us to bugger off so she could drink her champagne in peace before it got warm, and asked Jeff to grab another bottle she had left chilling in the freezer. Pretending to act normally, Parker and I tucked into our doughnuts, while secretly winking at each other with delight. Embarrassed by the attention, but clearly delighted with herself, too, Lisa fussed with her phone, muttering, ‘I told you you’d never get rid of me.’ She ignored us for less than two minutes before blurting out, ‘Ah, crap. I can’t believe I’ve lost him again.’
Curious, I asked, ‘Who?’
‘The new guy I’m having sex with. I’ve lost him.’
Instantly Parker’s ears pricked up. ‘That’s a bit careless, don’t you think? And where, pray tell, did you lose him? On a bus, or did that huge man-eating vagina of yours swallow him up whole?’
‘Ha! Ha!’ Lisa chuckled, trying in vain to keep a straight face. ‘Actually I’ve never even met him—’
‘Is he imaginary? Or is it a telepathic thing?’ interrupted Parker, over-eager as usual.
‘He’s a boy I’m having phone sex with. I’ve lost him a few times now – his number, I mean, if you must know.’
‘Oh, I must,’ cooed Parker, while rubbing his hands together with glee. ‘Tell all, please. I feel like I’m the only one not feeling the love these days. If Captain Sensible pleads a headache one more night, I swear I’ll trade him in for a younger model.’
‘I heard that,’ came a cry from the kitchen.
Clearly dying to tell us, Lisa continued her story while continuing to fiddle with her iPhone. ‘Well, what I like about him most is that he has a filthy mind. It’s not often I meet someone more sexually corrupted than me, and I have to say I appreciate it.’
Worried for her safety, I put on my mother hat and asked, ‘What do you know about him, exactly?’
‘That he’s a pervert, and when he’s not getting me off he plays darts in his free time.’ Momentarily glancing up, she smiled the dirtiest smile before quickly returning her attention to her phone with renewed urgency.
‘Wow, darts, eh?’ Parker sniggered. ‘There’s a turn on. Could this guy be more exciting? I wonder, does he still live with his mother, too?’
‘Eh, no,’ answered Lisa, a tad sheepishly. ‘He shares with a few lads.’
‘In a squat?’ heckled Parker.
‘Nooo. In the nick.’
In complete synchronicity Parker, myself and even a returning Jeff screamed, ‘Excuse me?’
‘He’s currently doing five to ten years for grand theft auto.’
‘Ten years is a lot of time for stealing cars. How many did he steal?’ As always, Jeff had his eye on the practical.
‘I think there’s a charge of GBH and some other stuff, too. I’m not one hundred per cent.’ Her mood quickly changed from jovial to defensive.
‘Delightful.’ Parker cheered. ‘So, when are you starting the conjugal visits? Eva, you’ve been looking for an idea for that book of yours. I hope you’re taking notes. You won’t get a juicer plot-line than this!’
‘Steady on,’ Lisa grumbled, ‘we haven’t taken things to that level yet.’
‘Ahhh,’ hissed Parker sarcastically.
‘But it is a kinky idea.’
Although I was trying my best not to be judgemental, I couldn’t help but moan, ‘Maybe, in your polluted mind.’
But Lisa chose to ignore my sniping. ‘No, it’s strictly phone sex. He’s working up his credits, though, to get time on the house computer. And then we’ll step things up a bit and start having Skype sex.’
‘Nice.’ Jeff smiled before planting a big kiss on Parker’s forehead. ‘Just don’t you be getting any ideas, all right?’ Not wanting to distract Lisa, Parker chose not to reply to him, and smiled at Lisa, hoping she’d continue.
‘Judge me if you like.’ She looked directly at me as she spoke.
I chose to do my usual shaking of the head, which then morphed into a nod, and then back to a shaking, while whispering, ‘Nooo … yes … nooo.’
‘Well, I like being a gangster’s moll. It’s only a phone thing, and these cold dark nights are lonely for a single girl. Ever since I broke up with Francis last year, I’ve felt incredibly needy. No jokes, thank you very much. I brought the champagne this evening, and I might just leave with it again if this continues.’
Dismissing her idle threats, I asked, ‘So how do you get to have phone sex with a criminal? Please tell me you haven’t turned into one of those wackos who stalk men in prisons and then end up marrying them.’
‘I’ll ignore that, thank you very much. I dunno. He texted me by accident, and it just went from there. It’s been happening every night now for about nine days. I suppose you could say we’re going steady. Are you impressed?’
Jeff’s jaw was now hitting the floor with the shock, while Parker and myself did our best to fake some support and gushed, ‘Absolutely.’ And, ‘I reckon it’s the real thing.’
‘OK, enough about me. You’re all annoying me now, so let’s talk about you, Eva. I can tell you’re hiding something. You’ve got that funny look you always get when you’ve got something on your mind. So spit it out. What’s new with you?’
‘Well, I don’t have a character out of Snatch to call my lover. But I do have news.’ Still recovering from Lisa’s disclosure, the group just sat in silence, waiting for the next bombshell. ‘OK, well, the thing is I’ve been offered another job.’ Showing their manners, all three congratulated me formally. ‘And it’s to work on a documentary. For TV.’
Once again, they all showed enthusiasm and stepped up the compliments with mini-statements like, ‘Wow. That’s really cool.’
But everyone’s pleasant chatter soon halted as I revealed, ‘But the job is in London – and, well, I leave next week.’
Parker already knew, but Jeff and Lisa sat motionless, as if frozen in time. Swallowing nervously, I tried to get things back on track. ‘Congratulations, Eva?’ I suggested. ‘That’s wonderful news. Next week, you say? We must celebrate!’
Jeff looked uncharacteristically confused. ‘I don’t mean to rain on your parade, petal, but have you thought this through? Can you really do this? What will you do with Daisy?’
‘Daisy is coming with me, and, yes, I can do this.’
‘But where are you going to stay?’ asked Lisa, all flustered. ‘What are we talking here? A month or two?’
‘Relax, it’s all sorted. More or less. I’m moving in with my auntie and uncle over there.’
‘Don’t they have kids of their own?’ questioned Parker.
‘Yes, they do. Three, in fact.’
‘Cosy,’ added Jeff.
I hadn’t thought it through properly, in fact, and I stuttered, ‘Well, y-y-y-yes, sort of. But we’ll work it out. It’s only a temporary thing. Five, six months, tops. I’ll probably, I dunno, rent somewhere. Maura and John’s is just a place to base myself from to begin with. Anyway, I think it’ll be nice to be surrounded by family.’
�
�Maybe if you were a feral cat or a rabbit!’ screeched Jeff dramatically. ‘It’s not healthy to live in such cramped conditions. This isn’t sounding glamorous at all.’
‘OK, thank you for your concern. But Daisy and I will have our own room, and I’ll have plenty of spare hands to help out with her care. There won’t be much room for a shoe and handbag collection, but I’m going to be working as a waitress, anyway, so I’ll have a uniform for every day.’
‘Did you say waitress?’ interrupted Lisa, echoing Jeff’s surprise. ‘I’m getting confused here. One minute it’s a documentary, and the next you’re waitressing from your auntie’s box room.’
Feeling backed into a corner, I felt obliged to tell them the full story. I was just disappointed that it didn’t sound as exciting once it left my mouth. ‘OK, I don’t want anyone to overreact, but I’m working as an undercover journalist in a dodgy restaurant.’
Jeff asked, ‘How dodgy?’
‘Ah, just normal dodgy, I think. Well the restaurant’s not dodgy, it’s just the people who work there who are. I’ll be watching how the bar staff pocket cash without ringing it through the tills, and how managers hang on to certain bills as refunds, pretending there were complaints. Usual stuff, just that I’ll be making secret video reports on what’s happening, and then be pocketing two paychecks for myself. One from the production company and one from the restaurant. Not bad, eh?’
‘That’s it?’ asked Jeff. ‘How much are they paying you?’
‘A hundred and fifty K.’
‘To expose tea-leafing barmen, and managers with light fingers? That doesn’t sound right. That’s a lot of money, girlfriend. Are you sure there isn’t something you’re not telling us?’
‘No, I don’t think so. I’ve just been told I have to make friends with everyone and keep my eyes peeled for unusual practices.’ Although I was saying the words, for some reason I began to question the deal myself. Maybe I was being too trusting because of the large amount of money that was being dangled, but it was more money than I could ever imagine making in six months. I’d be foolish to turn it down, wouldn’t I?
‘Eh, earth to Eva.’ Lisa gave me a nudge to wake me from my daydream. ‘I know you might have got a taste for the limelight after your WAG drama, but do you think you’re up for this?’
Not wanting to show weakness, I did my best to sound convincing. ‘Of course, why not? I’m capable of being discreet. Just call me Columbo from now on.’
‘After your shower escapade the other week, I think we should nickname you T. J. Hooker.’ Lisa sniggered as she refilled her glass with more champagne.
‘Going by the way she scoffed those doughnuts I think she’s more of a Chief Wiggum,’ added Parker.
Doing my best to distract attention away from prying questions, I tried to keep up the lighter tone by poking fun at Parker’s follicularly challenged head. ‘Says Kojak here. If you lose any more threads you’ll be able to play his doppelgänger.’ Extremely sensitive about his thinning hair, Parker quickly closed his mouth. Although he regularly dyed what was left a bluey-black colour to match his entire winter Prada wardrobe, it only seemed to highlight the bald patches. But he couldn’t be told, and he never listened to reason when the subject was brought up.
‘Oh, oh, I’ve got another one,’ continued Lisa, as she finally flung her phone on the couch. ‘Maybe I should move over to London as well, and we could be a double act. We could call ourselves Cagney and Lesbian. Ha! Ha!’
Knowing that the latter referred to me, I complained, ‘I’m not a lesbian.’
Only for Lisa and Parker to respond, ‘Oh yes you are,’ in perfect panto mode.
Defending my honour, I pleaded, ‘Excuse me, a couple of snogs with a girl does not a lesbian make. That was just an experiment.’ But my argument fell on deaf ears.
Putting his arm around me protectively, Parker pulled me in close and laughed, ‘We love you no matter who you kiss. If you only want to be called a lesbian from the waist up, we’ll make sure to use the correct term in future.’
Knowing I couldn’t argue my way out of a paper bag, and since I actually had enjoyed a brief yet mild flirtation with another girl some years back, I killed the joke with a mannerly thank you and let them have their laugh.
I ended up leaving my UK contract in my bag and never showing it to them. Instead I headed back to the flat early, overcome by a serious bout of self-doubt, and needing to be alone and have a clear head to think things over. I gently lifted Daisy out of her cot that night and put her into the bed beside me. Like a giant hot-water bottle, her body heat had a calming effect on my nerves and, after much deliberation, I decided the London move was the best decision for both of us. I needed to provide for her future, and aside from winning the Lottery this was my only hope of saving money for a rainy day. I was just drifting off to sleep, thinking that good things came to good people, when Daisy jolted and belted me smack in the nose with her fist.
4
Moving to London was not just a scary prospect, it quickly became a frightening reality. I might have had a few wrinkles on my face, but that didn’t mean my emotional age had progressed much past that of a nervous 17-year-old. Acting first and thinking later had long been a Valentine trait. But packing my life into black bags and stacking photo-frames of Daisy and myself into vegetable boxes from the local supermarket started me thinking far more than any therapist or Oprah Winfrey ever could.
Although I had thought that I had few belongings, it was only when I began to file them away that I realized that not only had I lived a full and busy life, it had been one filled with laughter and love, and that even without a man to hug and kiss every evening, all had been good. In fact, better than good. It had been great; and now it was about to change.
Now Daisy and I were about to encounter new people and new adventures in London. Lisa had joked about all the fresh blood that the city would offer me. ‘London’s a bit like New York. It’s got millions of men with a swagger! Just be careful to steer clear of any old haunts we might have frequented. You don’t want to be bumping into any old exes now, do you?’
Aside from having to avoid the Primrose Hill area for fear of bumping into an old boyfriend – whom I had actually forgotten about until the idea of moving to London became a serious issue – this was the fresh start I needed to kick me in the ass. For a long time now, I had been going through the motions of everyday life. I needed to put myself out there and shake things up a little. Get some of the old Eva da Diva attitude back. And this London job was exactly the motivation I needed.
Catching my reflection in a small mirrored plate from my upsettingly dusty bookshelf, I gave myself a cheeky wink and laughed out loud at the silliness. I disturbed Daisy from watching her cartoons, blew her a kiss and whooped, ‘Here’s lookin’ at us, kid,’ before leaping over to her, rolling her back on the floor and blowing bubbles on her belly to make her laugh. While a display of affection like this would normally have been greeted with fits of giggles, this time I was instead quite definitely pushed off in a huffy manner, so she could have a clear view of the TV again. Did it curb my enthusiasm? No way. But it did show me that change was not something that everyone embraced. And that if I wanted to make a go of this life, I would need to start becoming a heck of a lot more charming in my approach.
My older sister Ruth had thought me mad to go to a cold and heartless city and leave the safety of my steady job at YES! Having turned into our mother, she had moaned at me, ‘You’ll regret it. And when you do, don’t bother running back to me. Because I’ll only tell you I told you so.’
I pointed out that she was just scared of change – after all she was the one who married her childhood sweetheart, and wasn’t exactly good at making decisions that involved anything bigger than choosing spaghetti or beans for the kids’ tea! But, seeing I had hurt her, I stopped teasing and thanked her for her concern. Though I did subtly slip in one more jibe by texting afterwards, ‘All I want is a little support, sis. Just be
cause U’ve got your life all sewn up here, doesn’t mean U should stop me from pursuing my dreams xx.’ Clearly frustrated, she never replied.
As first days in a new job go, this was definitely proving to be a difficult one. For some as yet unexplained reason, Bradley hadn’t turned up for work that morning, and with no sign of ‘Brutal Billie’, as I was privately calling her, I was pointed in the direction of a desk and told to make myself comfortable. All I knew was that I had to keep the nature of my assignment a secret from the rest of the office, and that, if anyone asked, I was nothing more than a PA to Bradley. Dressed in a formal black pencil skirt, a cream vintage-lace blouse and quirky coordinating cream and black heels from Schuh, I felt I looked the part of a sexy assistant. Going for the understated, confident look, my poise was soon crushed when I realized I was going to be left to my own devices for a few hours.
Instead of making friends in the office, I knew I was supposed to blend in and keep myself to myself, so, feeling like my wings had been clipped, I kept my head down and busied myself with some newspapers that had been left on my desk. Each of them offered a different sordid story about my WAG rebels Tanya and Issey. Naturally I felt responsible for every tale, but I did my best to fight the guilt and tell myself I didn’t put Tanya in rehab, and I wasn’t the person who checked her out early only for her to get caught snorting cocaine in the toilet of the aptly named Sir Charlie’s nightclub. As for Issey, the papers were reporting that she had been put on suicide watch after splitting from her boyfriend, and had pulled out of a reality show that was due to start filming for Living TV.
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