by E. J. Mellow
“And we won’t know any of that unless we test it, will we?” Dev counters. I sigh in concession, not pleased with the fact that his logic makes sense. He grins. “Okay, let’s do this.” Immediately I stiffen, terrified of the unknown that’s about to launch in my direction. “Remember to access whatever you felt yourself using last time,” Dev yells before he presses a button on the side of the ball that makes a powering-on sound.
Pulling his arm back, he launches it into the air as I watch and wait for all hell to burst forth. As it reaches the height of its projected arch, the ball suddenly breaks open to reveal a huge, black net. It soars aggressively toward me, and all I can think of in that millisecond is the whole thing igniting into flames and disintegrating before it hits me.
Just as quickly as I begin to manifest that intense desire, the familiar burning sensation flickers straight from my stomach up my body and cools around my brain. This time I pay attention to the way the energy moves inside. It swirls around my mind like wind, and I don’t know if I am imagining it, but if I concentrate hard enough, I notice the energy that I’m holding internally comes off my skin like heat waves.
All these thoughts are taking place as I will the net to burn away before it reaches me (and my guidance counselor said I wasn’t good at multitasking). As if on command, it does just that. The black material ignites into fierce orange flames that disappear just as quickly as they begin. Nothing but soot falls from the sky and splatters across my skin, the breeze carrying the majority of it away. My head only slightly hurts from the strain of concentrating on that one.
Dev laughs, and I only have a second to see his beautifully wicked smile before my attention moves to the assembled Arcus in his hands. Two flaming blue arrows sit tightly at the ready. The only thing stopping them is Dev holding the string back.
You’ve got to be kidding me!
“Don’t you think you’ve advanced a bit too soon!?”
“Nope,” he answers and lets go.
Time once again slows as I instinctually recall what worked the last time I was in this position. Concentrating hard, a dull pain seizes my brain as every cell in my body responds, pumping out wave upon wave of energy to create a shield around me. I watch with utter focus as the arrows collide with the invisible bubble, pricking my mind slightly as they curve around the force field to fly past me. They crash into the ground with a loud BOOM.
As soon as I think it’s safe, I relax, drooping my shoulders. The energy that was swimming in every inch of my brain and body dissipates instantaneously. I breathe in deeply, helping the ache in my head to subside. Once I’m certain that I’m unharmed, the excitement about what just happened spreads over me like tiny shockwaves. That was so sick! I grin widely at Dev.
“I think you’re having too much fun trying to test me,” I call to him.
“I wish you could have seen yourself.” He beams. “I could almost see the field you made around your body. It was amazing.”
My smile widens. I have to admit, this is pretty friggin’ cool. The leftover adrenaline from awakening that energy makes me feel invincible, like a superhero. I badly want this all to be real.
My face grows slack. How can I know if it’s real?
“Okay, let’s try something else,” Dev says, bringing me out of my thoughts. “Can you try to create environments? Like you did that first night with the beach?”
I instantly blush, knowing full well what he’s referring to and why I must have made that place to begin with. Even at this distance, Dev’s cool sapphire eyes hold me just as transfixed as they did that first night, still reminding me of the crystal blue ocean of the tropics.
My body grows warm as these images come to mind, awakening the energy that I need. Without pause, the heat spreads through my head and then cools as the ground under me shifts to a soft surface, and the rhythmic crashing of waves hitting a shoreline reaches my ears. A salty sea breeze passes by.
Dev hollers in excitement and I blink away, taking in the tiny island. The sun beams down like a spotlight in the middle of the dark field, transforming the area where we are standing into a small tropical paradise. The sand crunches under my shoes as elation courses through me.
I did this! I created this with my mind!
Dev laughs and runs toward me, lifting me up in an excited hug. I squeak in shock before grinning at his exuberance. Placing me back on the soft sand, his arms stay securely around my waist, our close proximity making my stomach dance in circles.
“Do you know how amazing you are?” he asks softly. “I don’t know why you came here, what wonderful thing brought you here, but my life will never be the same.” His eyes burn behind their brilliant blue, rendering me paralyzed. I know I should look away, step away, thinking about what happened the last time he held me this close, but I can’t. His strong hands keep me still, his muscular body presses into mine, and the memory of his words still whisper around my ears.
“My life will never be the same either,” I say breathlessly, and I know it’s the truth. How can it ever go back to the way it was? And if I were being honest with myself, I would never want it to.
Dev suddenly looks conflicted. A fight spins in his features, and it only makes my stomach tighten more. The energy that dances around us is almost painful. Whatever he’s trying to decide keeps my whole body on a precipice, waiting to fall, and at this very moment I don’t care how much it will hurt if I do.
I lick my lips, trying to cure my nervous dry mouth, and his eyes go to them, his hands pulling me involuntarily closer as he lets out a small moan.
“Molly,” he says my name gruffly, like a plea.
And then he brings my lips to his. Our mouths close over each other’s as my whole body floods with fever and my ears fill with a loud ringing. His lips are soft and full but hungry and filled with desire. Definitely a kiss I would dream of.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I’m thinking this isn’t a good idea, but that voice is immediately silenced by his scruff scratching along my skin, making my lust for him spike higher. I wrap my hands around his neck and try the impossible of bringing our bodies closer, my mouth opening to his, completely accepting what is happening. He hastily removes the quivers from both of us, and with the momentum he creates from bringing our bodies back together, we drop to the ground. Dev’s strong arm breaks the fall, and he gently lowers us to the sand. The whole time we stay locked together like starved animals, unable to get enough of the other. This kiss is searing, eclipsing, absolutely terrifying, and I can’t stop.
He grazes a hand along the side of my waist and spreads his fingers over my thigh, touching, feeling, exploring. His dark, clean scent consumes me, fills me. The air around us warps and shifts as his mouth moves to my neck, kissing the soft, sensitive skin and sending a shiver down my body. Light dances and flashes behind my eyelids. I gasp and open them. In that fraction of a second, I realize we are back in the dark field, the sandy beach gone. I shut my eyes again as his hand moves under my shirt, deliciously grazing along my stomach and up and up, awakening every nerve ending.
I attempt to rip his shirt from his body and he leans up, easily taking it off in one pull. I take in the sight of his bare chest. It’s every inch what I imagined but better, perfect and defined, with a small amount of dark chest hair that makes him look even more masculine and inviting. I move my hands over the hard contours, my thighs inadvertently tightening around his waist from desire. His gaze sears, his blue eyes now dark, and he lifts me to him like the thought of us not touching is painful.
I’ve never felt like this before. So carnal and frenzied. Never have I craved a touch that all at once burns me and in the same instant cools. I feel outside of myself as Dev whispers my name again, continually kissing every inch of my neck.
And then something’s wrong.
I feel kissing on the back of my neck as well, but Dev’s in front. I glance around, confused. Dev lifts off by a fraction, noticing my change, and as I stare at him, I know in that
moment what is happening. My heart constricts in anguish. I want to reach up and force his body onto mine and never let go. And that’s exactly what I attempt to do.
But in a blink of an eye the dark field is gone, replaced by an early morning light. I stiffen and gasp as someone behind me pulls my body tightly against his. Soft kisses caress the back of my neck, sending shivers up my spine. A panic consumes me, and my stomach drops as I grab for my sheets, quickly pushing away from the body.
I turn to see Jared lying in my bed, confusion in his eyes.
Jared?…oh God, Jared!
— 18 —
“ARE YOU OKAY?” Jared asks, pushing up from my bed.
I sit on its edge, looking down at the man who feels like he just materialized out of nowhere. My head still swims with euphoria from the moment…a moment I was just in with one man while sleeping next to another. Suddenly feeling dirty, I pull the sheets wrapped in front of my body closer.
“I’ll be right back,” I say, surprised I’m able to maintain a level voice as I move swiftly to the bathroom and close the door.
“Molly?” Jared calls out, but I’m already leaning over the sink, splashing cold water on my face, desperately trying to regain my wits. I catch my reflection in the mirror. What was that? My cheeks are still stained pink from the fluster I awoke in, and though my breathing has slowed, my mind continues to race forward trying to figure out what exactly just happened. I kissed Dev…Dev kissed me. I would have done much more with Dev, too, if I wasn’t woken up by—wow, this is bad.
I grip the side of the sink to keep my hands from shaking. I can still see Dev, feel him, and taste him. I realize I want a man who doesn’t exist. As soon as I admit this, I feel sick. What about Jared?
Glancing down at the T-shirt I slept in, I’m no longer in the black ensemble I created in my dreams. Remembering my power, I decide to try something. Taking a deep breath, I fix my eyes on my body and imagine wearing those same dark clothes. I go through the same motions I used when making them appear in my sleep.
Nothing.
A quick wave of disappointment and frustration sweeps through me, but when I catch my gaze in the mirror again, I realize what I just did. The laughs start slowly, like fizzy bubbles surging up my belly, until they come cascading out of my mouth in loud guffaws.
I’m insane. This is it—I’ve officially lost my mind.
Just as quickly as I began to laugh, I switch to tears—behavior that I know is the final stamp on my mental health ward admittance. My emotions pour out of me unchecked. Every thought and feeling is in overdrive, trying to work my way through thoughts of Jared, Dev, this place I constantly go to every night, the powers I desperately want to be real—
There’s a tap at the bathroom door.
“Molly, what’s going on? Can you open the door?” Jared asks from the other side, the handle jiggling against the lock.
I wipe the tears from my eyes and clear my throat. “Everything’s fine. I’ll be out in a second.” How in the world will I explain this to him?
After trying my best to remove all evidence of my crying, I timidly open the door. Jared sits on the edge of the bed in only his boxer briefs, his gorgeous bare chest exposed. He watches as I approach, concern and a little apprehension in his hazel eyes.
“What happened?” he asks.
I lean against the wall directly in front of him, guilt keeping me from moving closer. I shrug. “I had a really weird dream, and waking up like that startled me.”
Jared’s eyes narrow slightly. I decide that holding his gaze is what an innocent participant would do, so I try to maintain the connection. I clench my hands into fists to keep from tucking my hair behind my ear in a nervous tick, giving me away. “Then why were you laughing? Was it a funny dream?” Jared asks slowly. I can see his brain mulling over the last few minutes. I have to remember that he’s a lawyer.
“Uh, no, not exactly…”
He waits for me to continue.
I need to shake myself out of this and stop being so awkward. “I was laughing because I realized I was panicking over a silly dream, that’s all.” I force a little smile while taking in the sight of Jared, his muscles taut with worry, hair askew from just waking up, basically looking adorable. He’s as good a distraction as any and my fingers flutter, itching to touch him. How can I have feelings for someone else when the perfect man is sitting right in front of me? It was just a dream, right? Innocent enough. Even though somewhere deep down I know it was more than that. I push that feeling far away, like I’ve begun to do on so many mornings.
Jared’s expression softens as he sees me assessing him. “Come here.” He lifts a hand to me. I hesitate a moment before allowing him to take me in his arms, his touch now reassuring instead of panic inducing. “I’m sorry I startled you. That wasn’t my intent…I was obviously looking for a different reaction.” He gently kisses my shoulder.
“It’s okay.” My guilt expands. “I should be apologizing to you. I’m not really sure what all that was. You probably think I’m crazy.”
“No, not crazy.” He grins against my skin. “But you are a strange one.”
You are a strange one. Someone else said similar things to me, someone I was willingly kissing moments ago. I study Jared, seeing the care in his eyes. How much he’s quick to forgive of my growing manic ways. I lean up and kiss him softly, removing any phantom sensations that still linger from Dev, replacing my memories with Jared, with lips that are right, that are real. His body responds instantly to my touch, and he rolls us to lie on the bed, keeping his arms around me.
He’s gentle, caring, and hesitant to go any further, probably considering how I acted when I woke up, and I’m grateful for it. My mind still wavers between what I’m convincing myself is real and what I must have dreamt. Glancing quickly at my clock, I remember I have an appointment with Dr. Marshall today. It couldn’t have come at a better time.
—∞—
The hospital doors glide open as I enter for my follow-up tests, and I drop my cell in my bag, just ending a call with my mom where I promised to tell her immediately how the results turn out. I check myself in and take a seat.
“Ms. Spero?” A larger older woman in scrubs announces after hours of me zoning out to daytime TV in the waiting area. I follow the nurse, resigned never to know if Hillary’s evil twin sister, Mallory, steals Hillary’s man as she lies in a coma. Sigh.
I’m shown into a room where a nurse takes my blood and checks my vitals, and I change into a gown to do another MRI.
After all the poking and prodding, I sit in Dr. Marshall’s office, waiting for him to come in and tell me how everything looks. My legs bounce with restlessness as I take in his office. It has no real character to garner what kind of man he is. The walls are bare except for his medical and scholastic achievements. No family photos, no pictures of a girlfriend or boyfriend, not even a plant. His desk is immaculate. Save for a sleek desktop computer and penholder, nothing else clutters its surface. How boring to be in the only doctor’s office that can’t be snooped in—what else are patients supposed to do while they wait?
I’ve already texted Becca about her successful date with Rae, happy from reading her gushy messages about how sweet he is. She asked to come over tonight, but I need a night alone. I want some time to sort through my thoughts and, if all goes well with my tests, a plan to go into work tomorrow. I need my life to get back to normal, with the hope that it might help in other areas.
The door opens and Dr. Marshall steps in. He holds a big folder that must contain my scans and a smaller one that I’m assuming has all my other information. “Molly,” he says cheerfully while showcasing his very white teeth, taking my hand in his. “How are we feeling today?” He moves around to sit at his desk, placing the manila folders neatly in front of him.
“Okay.”
“Just okay?” He tilts his head to the side but doesn’t move the smile from his face. Why does it bother me so much that he’s so chipper? “You l
ook a little high strung.” He glances at my bouncing knees, and I steady them instantly.
“Oh, no, I’m fine. I guess a little antsy for my results.”
“Understandable.” He leans back in his chair. “Before we get to that, is there anything you would like to talk about first? Anything new or unusual happening since the accident?” I tuck my hair behind my ear, mulling over if I should discuss my dreams. He is a doctor. Who better to talk to about it?
“Well…” I begin. “I’ve been having these weird dreams.”
“Yes?” he coos in the form of a question. “Well, that can happen after something so traumatic. Are they nightmares?”
“No, not really. They’re just…vivid, and they’re almost the same ones every night.” I don’t really know how to describe the fact that they are playing out like I’m living a second life without sounding crazy. Dr. Marshall looks at me curiously.
“Can you remember what they are about?” he asks after a moment.
“Sorta,” I lie. “They’re just of this place, this field, but none of it really makes any sense.” I don’t know why, but I get a sense that I shouldn’t talk about them anymore. “It’s probably all stupid, right?”
Dr. Marshall studies me, his face unreadable. He moves forward in his chair and places his hands on his desk. “Getting struck by lightning can cause all sorts of strange things to occur, especially mentally. You’d be surprised at the rewiring that can take place. What you’re describing isn’t uncommon. I would try not to worry about it too much.”
“Oh” is all I manage to say. It isn’t uncommon? I’m a little disappointed. Could other people be dreaming the same thing as me?
“My only concern from this is whether or not it’s leaving you well rested. Are you having a good night’s sleep despite these dreams?”