by Renea Porter
“You’re awake,” Gwen said to me. “How are you feeling?”
“Better. I’m okay.”
Lunch was brought in and I ate while Gwen talked.
“So, while the Iverson’s were in here, I snuck up to the nursery ward. Oh my gosh, Murph. She’s such a little beauty. I could only see through the glass partition. You make pretty babies. You know, in case you have any more.” She winked.
“I can’t believe you went up to see her.”
“How could I not? And she does look like him. A lot,” she confirmed.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. I tried not to think about him. Or the fact that I handed his baby over to her new parents. It was such a weird feeling.
“God. This food is awful. I’m dying for a milkshake.”
“I’ll get you one for dinner,” Gwen said.
“Pass me a magazine. I could use some gossip.”
***
The next day came and I was packing up, about ready to leave, when Catherine came in with Adam. Gwen excused herself to go get the car.
“All set to leave?” Catherine asked.
“Yeah.”
“Well, we just wanted to thank you again. It’s a miracle we have a baby. You can go see her before you leave,” Adam chimed in.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea. Not right now. You guys enjoy it. Really. I’ll be okay, eventually. And I can’t thank you enough. Lee has great parents. She’s super lucky.” I nodded nervously.
My heart ached. It ached for the loss I felt.
“Well, you know where we live. Our offer will always stand. She’s lucky to have such a courageous mother,” Catherine said.
Mother. I was a mother.
“I know. Once I get myself back together, I will come over for that dinner you promised.” I tried to laugh.
Standing at the bed, they both hugged me tight.
Chapter Thirty
FIVE YEARS LATER
“Murphy you have a surgery in thirty minutes. You ready?” Dr. Tucker asked.
“I was born ready. I’ve done this a hundred times,” I countered.
I was in my first year of residency. Being a Neurologist required three years of residency once you graduated medical training. I was training in various areas of the specialty. But my specialty was back surgery. Specifically, lower spine, due to injuries, slipped discs, or to ease chronic pain. I reveled in Dr. Tucker’s instruction.
My first year was almost up and I still had a lot to learn. It was the first of October, the season was changing, and people were starting to get into the spirit of the holiday.
In the operating room, Tucker was always there guiding me and demonstrating anything I needed help with. Most of the time, I knew what I was doing, but knowing he was there helped. For a guy well experienced and with so much knowledge, he was not intimidating. He stood a foot taller than me and was about fifty five years of age.
I worked for the hospital in the city. The same city my best friend, Gwen, was from. She worked here at Mercy Health, as well, specializing in Labor and Delivery, of all things. She found her niche, and she was successful at it. We even lived in the same apartment building, just on different floors. We often ate meals together and talked about our day.
I loved my life. I was comfortable in my space, and life was good. Work consumed much of my time, though. It kept me busy, and I liked that. I learned everything I could, and took in everything Dr. Tucker said.
In the operating room, the patient was on the table, ready. I scrubbed my hands and arms with soap over the sink. Then a nurse guided gloves on my hands once they were dry. The surgical instruments were sterilized and laid out for me to use. My steady hand guided the knife as I made a small incision on the patient’s lower back. He was having lumbar surgery. It was to alleviate pain from pinched nerves. I had done the same surgery about fifty times or more. It was routine.
After the surgery, which was a success, I was walking down the hall, and Dr. McGuire passed me a chart. “I’m sorry to spring this on you, but can you perform another surgery? It’s simple. I actually have a family emergency to attend to.”
I took the chart without looking at it. “Of course. Go do what you need to. I got this.”
He thanked me profusely and rushed away. Opening the file, I stopped in my tracks and reread the name. No. It couldn’t be right. Still in disbelief, I stepped into another room and read the x-rays against the bright light. I trusted Dr. McGuire’s notes, but I still liked to see the damage for myself.
This was one I’d performed before lower lumbar. The surgery itself was called Lumbar Laminectomy. It typically allowed room for the nerve root to reduce the pain. With the proper recovery, the patients returned to normal activity.
I just couldn’t believe I would be operating on August Jensen, the one and only boy I ever fell in love with. Taking the x-rays down, I flipped the light switch off and sat in the quiet room to relax until the surgery. Since Dr. McGuire already spoke to August, I wouldn’t have to face him until after the surgery.
In the quiet room, all the memories we shared came flooding back the good, the bad, and even the ugly. I wondered if he looked the same, or if he’d changed. Meditating in the room before the surgery wasn’t helping, because all I could think about was him. There was still a spot in my heart, only reserved for him. At the time, we just weren’t meant to be. The day I lost August was the day I vowed never to let anyone get that close to me. I know I pushed him away, because it hurt too much. Too much pain surrounded us. Then Lee was born and I was given a chance at a new life, a new start. I worked my ass off to get here and I made it.
Exiting the room, I made my way to the operating room. I prepared myself as best as I could, knowing the information I did. I scrubbed my arms and hands with soap while a nurse stood by to pull gloves over my hands. All scrubbed up and prepped, I looked over, seeing him lying there on the table. He was already given anesthesia. I’d give anything to hear his voice. Just to hear him say, “Hey, Murph.”
Standing over him, his dark hair peeked out from his cap, while dark stubble decorated his chin and jaw. He looked soundly asleep.
With the tools sterilized and spread out on the table, I grabbed the first instrument. The first cut into his skin made my hands shake. No one seemed to notice. But Dr. Tucker was close by, watching. Taking a deep breath, my hand steadied and I found my rhythm.
An hour and a half later, I closed him up. The nurse was taking him into the recovery room. Once I finished up, I went into the recovery area to see if August’s mom was there. I approached her gingerly, not sure how she would react to seeing me, until she said my name and my shoulders relaxed.
“Murphy, is that you? Did you do the surgery?”
I laughed. “It’s me. And yes I did. Dr. McGuire had a family emergency, so he asked me to step in. I understand if you don’t want to see me.” I turned away.
“I couldn’t think of anyone better to do the surgery. Tell me, how’s he doing?”
“He did well. Great, actually. He should be waking soon, and then he’ll be taken to a room to recover. He’ll be groggy and probably in some pain. Eventually, the pain will go away and he’ll be able to do normal stuff. We’ll keep him here a few days just to keep an eye on him. He should be able to go home by Friday.”
She breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank you so much.”
I nodded and smiled, and then turned to walk away. “Murphy,” Helena called.
Turning back, I faced her. “Yes?”
“Can I ask how you’re doing, and if you’ve settled down?”
I smiled. “I’m really good. And no; I’m still single. I do have my own place, and this job. That’s enough for now. Can I ask how he is?” I was curious after all.
She placed her hand on his. “He still loves you. I don’t think he’s ever stopped. He never thought he was good enough for you. Always said you deserved better.”
My heart swelled. And for once, I was speechless. “Once he
gets settled into a room, I’ll stop by,” I told her.
Thankfully, his surgery was the last one for the day. I was ready to head home once I checked on August. I waited thirty minutes before returning to his room. Knocking lightly on the door, I entered as Helena motioned me in. She was talking to him. He was awake, and my heart skipped a few beats.
I looked at him, and he met my gaze. Approaching him, I smiled and reached for his hand. It was an automatic reaction when it came to him. “How are you feeling?” I asked, as if it was an everyday thing.
“Is it really you or am I dreaming? I’m dreaming, right?”
I couldn’t help the giggle that came out. “August, it’s me, Murphy. How are you feeling?”
“My back is killing me. So, you’re a doctor now?”
“Yeah. At the last second, I was asked to perform your surgery. Your back was pretty messed up. You’ll be in pain, but the nurse will help you manage it. Get some rest, okay?” I told him. Nervousness twirled in my belly.
“Hey, Murphy?” he said.
“Yeah, August?”
“Will you stop by tomorrow?” he asked.
“Of course. Now get some rest. Doctor’s orders.”
Leaving the room, I stopped and caught my breath. Taking my badge off my white coat, I clocked out for the evening. My feet were aching, and it was almost dinner time. I had a few hours to relax and get a good night’s rest.
“You done for the day?” Gwen asked catching up to me as I walked to my car.
“Yeah. You?”
“Yeah. Want to come over for dinner?” She asked.
“Sure. Let me shower quick and I’ll be over.”
I slid into my car and drove the two miles it took to get to my apartment. I had gotten my license four years ago, and had been driving since. It gave me my own independence…and a car payment.
Chapter Thirty One
Inside my apartment, shedding my clothes, I stepped right into the shower. The hot water soothed me and calmed my tense muscles. I hoped that August would be okay. I knew he would. I just feel protective of him. Always have. At least I get to see him tomorrow.
After showering, I pulled on a pair of black leggings and a baggy shirt, and left my hair in a messy heap of a bun. Two minutes later, I’m in Gwen’s apartment, which is identical to mine. Just a basic two bedroom apartment. Walking in the front door, the kitchen was to the right and the living straight ahead. A hall separated the living space that led to the single bathroom and two bedrooms next to each other.
Meeting her in the kitchen, Gwen greeted me in a pair of pajamas. “I’m making stir fry.”
“Yum,” I said, passing her and finding a chair at the kitchen table as I watched her cook. She never let me help her, and vice versa. It was a thing. Our thing. She was my person.
“So, I had an interesting day,” I announced.
“Oh yeah? Do tell.” She arched her eyebrow at me.
“You remember that guy August I dated the first year I met you?”
She looked at me with curious eyes. “Of course I remember.”
“I operated on him today. Dr. McGuire had a family emergency or something, so I stepped in. It was shocking to find out I was going to operate on him. I even talked to his mom. She asked me how I was doing, and the whole thing was just weird,” I admitted.
“And August? What was it like seeing him again?”
I laughed. “He couldn’t believe it was me when he came to. All those memories came flooding back, and I was a tad overwhelmed.”
Gwen sat a bowl of rice and stir fry in front of me and sat down across from me and I continued telling her about my day. “His mom told me that August was still in love with me. She asked if I was happy and settled down. You know the answer to that.”
“Yeah. You haven’t opened up to anyone since. Not even with the guys I set you up with. There was always an excuse not to like them.” She poured us each some red wine to go with the meal. “And you have to tread very carefully since you’re his doctor. I know there’s history between you, but you have to be careful.” She took a bite to eat.
“I know. I just can’t help but think fate brought us back together for a reason. But I will totally keep it professional at work. So what’s new with you?”
“Nothing, really. Except Jeremiah keeps trying to get in my pants, and I keep telling him it will never happen.” She let out a sigh.
I laughed. “I don’t think he’s ever going to give up. He likes the challenge, and you gave him a taste at the company party. Now he wants more and you’re backing off. I think, deep down, you like him, but you’re scared.”
“Am not,” she retorted with a smile.
“You so are.”
We both finished eating, and downed the wine until the bottle was empty.
“Well, I better go. See you tomorrow. Thanks for dinner. My place next time,” I told her standing.
She walked me to the door, and I took the elevator down to the level floor. Locking the door behind me, I settled on the couch with my laptop so I could check my messages. There was an email from Catherine, and I immediately opened it.
Our girl is turning five. We’d love for you to come to her birthday party. It will be held in our home on Nov 1st. You can bring a guest. Please RSVP as soon as you can.
I read the words again. Lee was turning five. It was hard to believe how quick time passed. Lee was already turning five, I repeated. And she was so stinking adorable. Catherine and Adam always sent me pictures of her, and I visited a couple times a year. With her birthday around the corner, I was looking forward to seeing her. She was raised knowing who I was. But she didn’t ask many questions about her situation. And, like my instincts told me, she was living a great life and I couldn’t ask for better parents for her.
I RSVP’d with a reply to the email, not sure if I’d go alone or bring Gwen along. She had met her once or twice before. Shutting the laptop, I decided to call it a night and headed to bed.
In bed, I tried to read the book I started a few days ago. But August crept up to the forefront of my thoughts. Part of me was excited to see him again, and part of me was deathly afraid. Afraid my feelings would grow and expose my heart wide open. Or it could shatter into tiny fragments.
***
Beep, Beep, Beep went my alarm. “Ugh.” I groaned, holding my head. Too much wine last night. Rolling out of bed was a task most days. Today was no different, especially because I was not a morning person. At least not until I got my caffeine in the form of a diet coke. I knew I was weird, but I still hated coffee, and it made me too jittery.
Taking my messy bun out, I scrunched it and put it into a low ponytail. I then swiped a coating of mascara over my lashes, and finished with a swipe of lip gloss. With black pants and a burgundy top, I pulled on my white coat; my name tag hanging from the breast pocket. Grabbing my soda on the way out, I headed to the hospital. It was a little after nine a.m. Clocking in, I looked over my schedule. I had rounds to make, and two back to back surgeries. A busy day like yesterday.
The one thing to look forward to was August. I took his chart and signed it. Entering the room, I found him eating breakfast and watching a talk show on the overhead T.V.
“Good morning, August. How are you feeling?”
He looked up at me. “A lot better now.” He smirked.
“Good. Maybe you can go home tomorrow. The nurse is going to come and see if you can walk. We’ll see how you are healing and go from there.”
He pushed his empty tray away. “Thanks, Murphy. Or should I say Dr. Tanner?”
Cocking my head to the side, I gave him a look, ignoring the doctor comment. “No problem. Where’s your mom?” I asked, staying a safe distance away.
“She’ll be in once she finishes her shift. She had to work the morning shift.”
“Oh, okay. Well, I want you to take it easy. If all goes according to plan, you’ll need a few weeks of physical therapy then you’ll be good to go to return to normal activitie
s.”
I had a hard time looking at him. He was so intense all the time, and I was afraid of what I might see.
“Sit, please.” He motioned to the chair next to his bed.
“I can’t. I have rounds and then two surgeries to do. I really should go.”
“Please. Just for a few minutes.”
I sat down and fidgeted with my nails.
“Why won’t you look me in the eye?” he asked.
Maybe I don’t want to see the truth. “Seeing you, even after five years, is hard. But on another hand, I’m glad to see you. It gives me some sort of closure, I guess,” I muttered.
“Closure?” he asked, confused. “You just up and stop taking my calls and you think this is closure.”
“I’m not the one to blame here. Look; we don’t need to discuss this now. I’m your doctor. I’ll come back later.” I stood, ready to make a break for it.
“It was fucking unbearable when I lost you, and that’s the truth.”
His words shot right through me as I reached for the door. I refused to look back at him. Tears stung my eyes as I entered the hall. I pressed my back against the hall wall and closed my eyes for a brief moment. When I opened them back up, I saw Helena approaching.
“Hey. How’s our boy?” she asked.
“He’s good. He’s going to need a few weeks of physical therapy, though. He should be released tomorrow.”
Concern washed over her. “Physical therapy, huh? That could be a problem, driving a few hours cuts into my shifts. I don’t know how we can make it work. Being the manager, work requires more of my time. I know August is a big boy, but he can’t be driving that long of a distance a few times a week.”
“I know. Why doesn’t he stay with me? I only live two miles from here, and I can take him to and from his appointments.”
She pondered the idea for a moment. “Are you sure that’s no trouble? I don’t want to burden you.”
This was such a bad idea.
Chapter Thirty Two