“Logan, I don’t know what else you can do bar tying her up and not letting her go anywhere. I’m not saying don’t be there, but you can’t be responsible for her all the time.”
He nodded. “That’s what I think. I’d just feel so guilty if anything happened to her.”
“You’re feeling guilty now; it’s written all over your face. You already said you’re trying your best.” Without even thinking, I reached across the table and placed my hand on his. “Sometimes nothing we do stops the inevitable.”
I wasn’t just talking about his situation, but my own. So many years I’d just kept going, trying too hard to keep a relationship together that was going nowhere.
Those beautiful brown eyes of his were so sad, as if he’d come to the realisation that maybe he had to let go.
“Are there any other rehab options?” I asked.
“Yeah, there’s a place she can go. I was trying to convince her of that the other night. I can’t force her hand.”
I nodded. “No, you can’t. Have you told her how you feel about all of this?”
“I’ve told her I think she needs help. I’ve told her that she needs more than what she’s been doing. That she needs the support and I’m not enough.”
I took a sip of my coffee and studied him. He had both hands wrapped around his cup, gazing into the liquid.
“There’s only so much you can do. She’s an adult.”
He shrugged. “I know you’re right. It’s just hard to walk away.” Logan looked up at me, that mischievous twinkle having returned. “So you mentioned tying her up. Are you into that?”
I gaped, the heat in my face rising as he took his turn studying me.
“I guess so. Lady has some kinks.” He kept his voice low so the kids didn’t hear him.
“Stop it.” I laughed, shaking my head.
“Guess not then. What do you like, Olivia Grant?” Our gazes locked, and my heart pounded so hard I could hear it beating in my ears. “I mean in general. Not in bed. But I don’t mind you telling me that too.”
I rolled my eyes, laughing again, and he grinned.
“I don’t know. I’m just trying to find myself right now,” I said.
He ran his finger around the rim of the cup before picking up a cookie and dunking it. “Well, if you need a friend you know where to find one. I know I kinda landed it on you, but it’s nice to get a perspective from someone not closely involved.”
I got it. Sometimes it was the people outside the situation that saw it for what it was.
My situation? I saw it, but the end still caught me by surprise.
Chapter Nine
I spent all week looking forward to sleeping in on Saturday. The week dragged by, and on Friday night I treated myself to a bottle of wine on the way home. Something to take the edge off, though I would need no help to sleep.
We picked up fish and chips and gorged ourselves silly before both my boys began to yawn.
Friday night, 7.30pm, and I had peace, quiet, and a nice Sauvignon Blanc to keep me company. I sat on the couch and flicked through channel after channel, looking for something to watch on the television.
There’s nothing on. Friday night isn’t a night to be home alone.
I laughed at my thought. It had been years since I’d had a Friday night out, or any night out, for that matter. Looking down at the glass of wine, I swirled it around, watching as the liquid splashed. Drinking alone. How sad.
I took one sip, and then another; the alcohol had a fast effect. This was my second whole bottle of wine in months, and not being used to the drink, it made me warm and fuzzy. So fuzzy.
Thump, thump, thump.
My head pounded in time with the knocking on the door. Who was that at this hour? With bleary eyes, I checked the clock. 9.30am. Okay, maybe not so early then.
“Mum,” Jack said through his teeth. He was so good; he and Thomas had done as I’d told them many times before and not opened the door by themselves.
I forced my eyes open. They stood beside the couch, staring at me like I had two heads. I’d never slept the whole night on the couch before. This must have seemed strange.
Stupid wine.
“Okay.” I sighed.
I pushed myself to my feet, groaning at the effort. My knees ached from bending my legs all night, my neck ached from whatever weird position my head had been in.
I felt about a million years old and probably looked it.
Taking unsteady steps toward the door, I twisted the handle and pulled.
“I was beginning to think you weren’t home.” Logan stood on the other side, grinning with two takeaway coffees in a cardboard cup holder.
“I wasn’t awake,” I said. My voice was still thick with sleep, and he cocked his head, studying me closely.
“You okay?”
“I’m fine. I just had some wine to drink last night and it made me really tired.”
“And you didn’t invite me over? I could have drunk half the wine, left you with half the hangover.”
I wrinkled my nose. “I don’t have a hangover.”
“Let me guess: you haven’t had a drink in a long time and you’re not used to it.”
I might have laughed at that, but the throbbing in my temples was too powerful to ignore. “Something like that.”
“Just as well I brought you a coffee, then.”
What was this? I hadn’t really flirted with a man in, well, forever. Was this what it was like, or was he just being nice?
“Thanks, I appreciate it.”
He grinned, plucking one of the cups from the cup holder and passing it to me. “I seemed to remember you having milk and sugar the other day. Hope it’s okay.”
“I’d drink it black if I had to this morning,” I muttered.
Logan laughed. “I came by to see if you wanted a tour of the neighbourhood. You know, seeing as you only just moved in.”
He wanted to spend time with me? Us? What? No, maybe he was just saying thanks for me listening to him talk the previous weekend.
“What is there to see?”
“I thought I could take you three to the park. There’s a playground there; the boys can let off some steam. You can sit in the sun, or under a tree while we kick a ball around, or you could kick a ball around with us too.”
My stomach dropped to my knees, and not because I was feeling seedy.
“You want to play football with my boys?”
He shrugged. “Why not?
“I just didn’t picture you as the playing-football-with-kids type.”
At that he frowned, and I shook my head. “I’m sure the boys would love to go to the park. Let’s finish our coffee and I’ll get dressed.” I turned my head towards the living room. “Hey, you two. Want to go and kick a ball around in the park?”
“YES,” Jack screeched and I held my finger to my lips to quieten him. My head still wasn’t too happy. He and Thomas jumped up and down on the spot. I glanced at Logan. It was as if he were spellbound watching them.
He had such a good heart.
“I can’t believe anyone could leave kids like that,” he said quietly. Our gaze locked. “Or you.”
“It is what it is,” I said, and took another sip of coffee. Thoughts of being out in the blazing sun weren’t that attractive, but getting fresh air and giving the boys something to do other than sit around in the living room sounded good. The noise from the television would only add to the thump in my head.
I gave up sipping the coffee, and downed it while Logan watched, bemused.
“I needed that. Thank you,” I said.
“That’s what all the girls say.” He winked and laughed.
I rolled my eyes. “Excuse me for a moment. I’ll just jump in the shower and get changed.”
As I walked away, I heard him call behind me. “Wear those shorts you were wearing when we first met.”
When I shook my head, he laughed. Flirty or friendly?
I hadn’t dated since high school
, and I was never any good at working out whether boys liked me or not. Now it all seemed much harder.
I’ll take it as friendly until such time it becomes obvious.
I flicked the shower on, twisting the water mixer until it came up to the right temperature. Peeling off my clothes, I stepped into the water, sighing as it caressed my skin, the heat relieving my aches and pains.
I grabbed a towel from the rail beside the shower and stepped out, running it over me and wrapping it around as I brushed my teeth. Finally, feeling human again.
It was then that I realised I had no clean clothes with me, and I frowned at the thought of the dash across the hallway to the bedroom. There was no guarantee that Logan would see me do it, but always a possibility.
I pulled open the door, peeking around to see what was happening. Logan had turned his chair to face the television and was laughing with the boys over something. I looked to the ceiling, saying a silent word of thanks before taking the three steps from one door to the other.
Grinning as I closed the door behind me, I finished towelling myself off.
Pulling out a pair of jeans from the chest of drawers, I made a mess trying to find the right top to go with them. Finally I settled on a loose-fitting shirt with a low, round neckline. Cute, but not too sexy.
What are you worrying for? He’s just saying thank you. Get it together, Olivia.
I looked in the mirror. A face that seemed old for its age looked back at me. It had been so long since I’d taken care of myself. Screw it. It was time to start.
Taking a deep breath, I smoothed the fabric down, making sure it sat okay, hiding any bumps that lumps that might have appeared after my boys were born.
“Let’s go,” I said to the mirror.
Logan smiled when I walked back into the living room. “Ready?”
“We are,” said Thomas.
I stared at him. My little mouse, so vocal all of a sudden. I smiled as I realised he’d put his pants on, but they were inside out.
“Baby, come here a second?” I motioned to him to come toward me, and he jumped all the way.
Kneeling down, I whispered in his ear. “We just have to fix your pants.”
He frowned. “Okay, Mum.”
I slid them down, turned them the right way in and ran them back up his legs. “There you go,” I whispered.
“Thank you.”
“Come on, then,” I said.
Logan opened the door, and I grabbed my bag. Jack had his ball and we headed down the stairs and across the car park. Thomas and Jack walked either side of me, holding on to my hands as we ventured out to the street. We were led by Logan, who took us down the road and pointed out shops along the way that we might find useful.
“There’s a takeaway place up that way that does the best fish and chips, and Chinese food. Their sweet and sour pork is to die for,” he said.
“Sounds great.”
“There’s the bakery I told you about, the one with the amazing cookies.”
The boys started skipping as we grew closer to the park, and when we hit the edge of the grass, I let go of their hands.
“This way,” Logan said, leading us to the playground. There were swings, a climbing frame, and a huge slide that made Thomas’s eyes as big as saucers to see. There were a couple of other kids playing, but it was fairly quiet. Perfect for a little boy about to tackle a slide so much bigger than him.
“It’s a big slide, isn’t it, bud?” Logan asked.
Thomas nodded, slipping his hand into Logan’s to pull him towards it.
“You want to go on it?”
“Yes.”
I watched as the pair of them went to the foot of the slide. Jack hung back with me.
“Don’t you want to go?”
“Nah. Let Thomas go and then we can kick around the ball. That’s what I want to do.”
I ruffled his hair.
“Mum?”
“Yes, Jack?”
“Why didn’t Daddy ever bring us to the park?”
I’d thought the worst was behind me, but standing there looking at him, I fought back the tears. I had no idea what the answer was either.
“Um, I don’t know, sweetie. Maybe he just didn’t like coming to the park.”
His beautiful baby face screwed up. “I hate him.”
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I pulled Jack close. I couldn’t blame him. I knew exactly how he felt.
“Baby, I don’t know why Daddy did what he did, but I do know one thing. When you were born, he was right there, holding you, and he fell in love with you just as I did. This whole thing—he might have behaved badly, but it’s not about you or Thomas. It’s about him and me.”
There were so many other things I could have said, so many other stories I could have told that would have made Jack hate his father even more. But what I told him was true. The night he was born was one of those nights that Evan and I had been close. He’d looked at his newborn son in awe, unable just as I was to believe we’d made this child together.
That felt like so long ago now. We were just children ourselves.
“Okay, Mum.” He looked at the ground, kicking the toe of his shoe into the dirt. I could barely believe that tiny child was my big boy now. The feeling I’d had that first night had only grown these seven years.
“Come here.” I opened my arms and he fell into them, dropping the ball on the ground, and wrapping his arms around my waist. “Love you, baby boy,” I whispered.
“I’m not a baby.”
“Nope, but you’ll always be my baby.”
I closed my eyes, running my fingers through his hair.
“Mummy, look at me.” Thomas’s voice came from above.
Jack and I both looked up. He stood at the top of the slide, triumphant, and I shifted my focus to Logan. He was poised underneath as if ready to catch him if he fell.
“That’s awesome, honey. We’ll be right at the bottom,” I called. I took Jack's hand, leading him toward the end of the slide.
Logan stood right under Thomas and slightly to the right so Thomas could see him.
“Come on. I’ll follow you down,” he said.
Thomas took a deep, loud breath as he sat at the top of the slide. I grinned at the sight of him. He struggled so much with self-confidence, and the sight of him being so brave and proud gave me shivers. I didn't know if it was the location or the company we were in that was making him so happy, and I didn't care. He looked more full of life than he had in a long time.
I moved to the base of the slide and he pushed off, squealing as the slide took over and gravity pulled him toward me.
Logan ran as Thomas slid, joining me at the end as my boy reached the bottom, and jumped off to hug me.
“Mum, that was so cool. I was so high up and it was scary, and Logan said I didn’t have to do it, but I wanted to do it.” He babbled away excitedly, and I grinned to see him so far out of his shell. This was exactly what he needed.
I’ll bring them here whenever we can come. He's having so much fun.
I bent, wrapping my arms around him, and kissing his little face. He brushed me away. “Mummy, stop it.”
“I’m allowed to,” I said, but pulled away. His eyes shone with excitement, and he grabbed my hand, squeezing it.
“Want to go kick the ball around now?” Logan asked.
“YEAH.” The boys spoke in unison now, both so excited about playing. Oh, this did my heart good to see them like this.
Logan led us behind the swings and slide, to an area with goalposts and plenty of grass to run around on. I sat on a bench nearby to watch, and Logan joined me as the boys began to kick the ball around.
“They’re having fun.”
“They are.” I looked up at Logan. All that flashy smiling stuff he did when he was being flirty was gone, and a genuine smile shone from his eyes as our gazes met.
“Thanks so much. We saw the park and had talked about coming here. They're really enjoying you playing with
them.”
He shrugged. “I grew up without a dad. I know how hard it can be.”
“Yeah, me too. Never thought I’d have to deal with it with my own kids.”
As stupid as it sounded, I hadn’t thought of it that way before. This was history repeating itself. My dad had abandoned me years ago.
“My dad overdosed when I was seven. It’s tough losing your dad, especially when you’re a boy.” He gaped. “Sorry, I mean, it can’t have been easy for you either.”
I shrugged. “My dad walked out on my mum. I was five, and devastated. I remember us being really close, and then there was nothing. My memories of him are really vague, but I still miss him sometimes.”
Logan frowned. “See? I get that bad things happen in relationships, but walking out on a kid is really crap. How do you do that to your own flesh and blood?”
I shifted my focus back to the boys, who were laughing and joking while kicking the ball back and forward. “I don’t know. I’d do anything for those two. Hell, I still can’t believe I made two people.”
He laughed and squeezed my arm. “They’re great kids. I think they have you to thank for that.”
“There are some days that are harder than others, but we’re doing okay.” I leaned back on the bench and took a deep breath of fresh air.
Why was it so easy to talk to him? Maybe because he’d opened up to me first; I didn’t know. It was nice to find someone to talk to. It definitely didn’t hurt that he was so cute, and seemed to actually give a crap.
“Logan, come and play,” Jack called.
He stood, peeling off his jacket and handing it to me. “If you could look after this, I’ll go kick a ball around with the boys. This’ll be interesting. Haven’t done this in years.”
I laughed, shaking my head as he walked away then ran, clapping as the boys jumped up and down, excited to have someone to play with.
Every time we wanted to do something different, go somewhere as a family, it had always been me and the boys. I’d taken them to the zoo, to the movies, swimming. Everywhere we went, it was the three of us, barely ever the four. When Evan had come with us, he’d moan and complain about every little thing. I never saw just how much he’d put himself on the outside of our family until now. Now some stranger played football with my children in front of my eyes.
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