by Shane Morton
They also didn’t gossip much. At least, I knew they wouldn’t talk about me if I asked them not to. They were stand up guys, and I was going to miss the shit out of them.
“Ready?” Elliot asked as he stood up straight.
“Don’t leave us behind, McKendrick. I remember the last time we ran the cross-country course together. Fuck, you can run fast. I thought I was going to pass out.” Elder slapped me on the ass and headed over to the track. I followed, and we started out at a nice leisurely jog.
“So, shoot. The anticipation is fucking with me, man. What was so urgent?” Elder asked as he inhaled slowly through his nose and exhaled through his mouth as he ran.
“I was… Well… shit. Why do you think there are no gay athletes at this school?” I asked.
Elliot burst into laughter.
“What rock have you need hiding under. There’s that tennis player, Dennis, and I know there is a baseball player, too.” Elliot said loudly. His voice breaking with every step he took.
“I mean… You know. Out players,” I answered.
Elder slowed down and put his hand on my shoulder, bringing us all to a stop. “What are you telling us, McKendrick? You saying that you’re gay?”
“That’s cool, man. No sweat from us, promise. Besides, we have a lot of gay friends. Elder here even let a guy suck his dick once,” Elliot laughed, punching his brother on the arm.
Elder walked over and stood in front of me, his face serious. “You’ve been… Damn… Mason? I am so sorry, man. That has had to suck.”
I stared at my shoes. I don’t know why I felt shame, but I did. I was ashamed I had lied to them all these years, to myself too.
Elder reached out and put one of his big hands on my shoulder and pulled me into a bear hug. “Dude. You have nothing to… I am so proud of you, man.”
“I don’t know why I feel like… Like everything is about to come to an end, you know? Once I tell everyone, there’s no way to bottle it back up if they take it badly.” I said, trying to not get overly emotional on the fucking football field.
“They won’t, and I will kick anyone’s ass who does,” Elliot popped his knuckles, a frown on his face. “Dude, we got you. Promise. This isn’t 1980 anymore. Maybe there hasn’t been any real out male athletes at this school because they haven’t had you to lead them. You are Mason Goddamn McKendrick, and you are the fucking man, gay or not. Be the change, bro. It’s about time.”
“It’s really funny that you asked about this today. We were talking to some friends of ours in LA, and they asked this same thing, and what Elliot said is true. All it takes is one person brave enough to do it, Mason, and who knows who else will follow. Dude, the team respects the shit out of you, we all do.”
“So, you think I should?” I asked glumly, still feeling like this was the scariest fucking thing I would ever do in my life.
“I think you should do what it is you need to do and damn the consequences, Mason. But I can’t make that decision for you, bro. That has to come from here,” Elder placed his hand on my heart and tapped out its rhythm to me. “Listen to this Mason, it will never lead you down the wrong path. I promise.”
“You are the guru, my friend,” I smiled at him. “Love you, bro.”
Elder wrapped me in his massive arms and squeezed the shit out of me. It was almost like going to a chiropractor. My spine snapped and popped.
“So, who is this tutor? Is he the one who has made you think about this?” Elliot asked as he patted me on the back.
“Remember the guy at the party who put us all in our place about jocks getting special treatment?” I laughed.
“No way!” Elder shook his head. “I liked that little dude. He was fucking cute.”
“Hey, what about this blow job you got?” I asked teasingly.
“Dude, it was the best blow job I have ever received in my fucking life. But, eh… It was a hole man, and that dude was a fucking pro. But it didn’t do any more for me than that.” He laughed.
“Why did you do it?” I shrugged.
“You don’t know until you try it. I mean, I think guys are hot, and I thought well maybe… As great as it was, I knew when I shot in his mouth that I was straight, as boring as that might be. We are what we are, man. Come on, let's do this.” Elder started jogging in place, and Elliot and I did too before we headed around the track.
I felt like my decision was made. For Calvin and for me.
When we got back to the locker room, Coach walked in and crossed his arms. He always looks like he just saw something that pissed him off. We’re all used to that now. I haven’t seen him smile the whole time I’ve been at college.
“McKendrick, get your ass into my office when you finish in here. We need to talk, now!” he barked before he turned around and headed back to the crypt where he lived. He could be that scary.
Elder rolled his eyes, and Elliot slapped me on the back as they dried off. “Want us to bring you something back to eat before practice? If Coach gets on a roll, you could be in there for the next two hours.”
“Yeah, that would be cool,” I responded, wondering what the hell he wanted to talk to me about.
“Cool. See you later, McKendrick. I’m fucking proud of you, man,” Elder said as he pulled his shirt on and headed out the door, followed by his brother. I ran the towel over my hair again and threw on my hat before I walked down the hallway to Coach’s office.
I knocked on the door.
“Come in and shut the fucking door, will ya?” he ordered. I did and walked over to the chair that sat in front of his desk.
“What’s up, Coach?”
“We got a problem if you want to see it that way, or we could look at it as an opportunity.” He raised his bushy eyebrows at me. “Your grade came back to me from the quiz. You got an A so congratufuckinlations on that, son. You did good and just in time too because Hawkins isn’t going to be allowed to play on Saturday. You ready?” he leaned over his desk and looked at me hard. That’s the only way I can describe it. Everything the Coach did was hard.
“Yes, sir. I’ve been ready,” I said back, feeling like the weight of the world had just crashed down on my shoulders. I sat up straight, I would not let my team down.
“That’s what I thought, son. Now get your head together. You have a team to lead, and I would really like to win one fucking game this season. Got it?” he snapped as he slapped his desk. “I’m counting on you. Now go out there and show them why you’re this team’s heart. That’s all, McKendrick. Good job on the uh… quiz, by the way.”
I stood up and felt like the room was spinning. “Yes, sir.” I turned to walk out, and as my hand touched the handle, I thought about telling him.
Instead, I opened the door and walked back down the hallway to the locker room.
Fucking starting… now, of all times. My head was a fucking mess.
My heart was too.
This was not the time to let the boys know the truth about me.
I sat down and stared at my locker until the guys started to arrive.
I had a team to lead.
Fifteen
Calvin
Mason said we should meet at the library tonight. To say I was disappointed was an understatement. But we did actually need to study. Mason did have a mid-term next week that he had to pass, and I wasn’t sure I could tutor him with his dick in my mouth.
Besides, there would be time for everything else after we took care of his class.
Then I could take care of him.
He was sitting at our table, and I almost skipped over to him. I was so excited to see him. This is how life was supposed to be, wasn’t it? This is what feeling loved was.
I plopped down on the chair in front of him, and his face was so stoic it was shocking.
“Mason? Are you okay?” I asked, concerned that something had happened.
“I got an A on the quiz,” he was drained of color. “Can you believe it?”
“Yes, I can. You studied ha
rd, Mason. That’s’ fuckin’ awesome, so why do you look like someone has died?” I reached out and tried to take his hand. He balled his hands into a fist.
“It’s been… a… fuck, Calvin… A hell of a day.” He looked up at me and stared right through me. “Sorry… I’m in a bit of a mood.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” I offered, pulling my hands back and setting them in my lap. A chill crept over my body.
Was he already breaking up with me? What had I done?
“I, uh… told a couple of my teammates about us today.” He said quietly.
“Shit… Mason… I, oh fuck… I’m sorry.” I caught my breath, it felt like a vise in my chest, constricting me with fear.
“No…” he chuckled sadly. “It went well, actually. The twins… they are, you know cool and thought that the rest of the team would be too.”
“They weren’t…” I said, knowing that this had set him on the spiral he was now feeling, that I was now a part of. “Fucking assholes. Those jocks they… I mean, they don’t matter in the long run, Mason.”
“Huh?” he stared at me like I had two heads.
“The other football players took it badly. Figures. I’m sorry, Mason.” I leaned in. “Are you okay?”
“I didn’t tell them, Calvin.” He sighed. “You know it bothers me that you think so lowly of us. They might all be as cool as the twins think they will be. We don’t go around beating up gay guys, you know.”
“Sorry, Mason… I just… I don’t understand what it is you keep not telling me.” I said suddenly, anger rising up in my chest.
“I’m going to be starting on Saturday. Hawkins is out on academic probation until he gets his grades up. Coach said that might not even be happening, so I am now leading the team until further notice. It’s… I mean, fuck, Calvin. It’s a fucking lot of stress.” His eyes had tears clinging to his long eyelashes. He was really in a state.
“Okay… That’s scary, I get that, but isn’t it what you always wanted? This should be exciting for you, too, shouldn’t it?” I asked, feeling like there was something here that I just wasn’t getting.
“You and QB one all in twenty-four hours… It’s just a lot, Calvin. I don’t know how I can take all of this at once, how I can deal with it, you know. I’m just freaking out, and I wanted to talk to you about it. Of course, I am also freaking out about this exam next week too. It’s fucking overwhelming, and all I can think about is you.” He stared at me. “All I want, right now, is to take you in my arms, Calvin. To wrap my arms around you and protect you from all of it, but right now, I don’t feel like I can protect myself. You understand?”
“Not really.” My voice broke. “What are you saying?”
“I can’t let my team down, Calvin. I have to get us through this game and maybe, just maybe the next one and then the season. I have to concentrate on it, or I’m gonna fail. People train for this all year, and I’m getting thrown into the deep end for the first time in almost three years on Saturday. I can’t… I need a little time, Calvin. Can you give that to me?”
“Why do I feel like you’re breaking up with me? We hadn’t even become boyfriends, yet.” I put my face in my hands, doing my best to keep it together.
“Aren’t we? And I’m not breaking up with you, dumbass. I just need… I just need time, I guess. I know I told you that I was going to step out and be who I really was, but right now is not the time. Do you understand that?” His voice was heavy with emotion.
“I think what you’re trying to tell me is that I’m gonna stay your secret until the season is over. Is that it?” I ask, understanding dawning on me. My face becoming a mask as I pondered what that life would be like. It was a life I had already lived and almost died of.
“I hate when you say it like that, Calvin. I just… I don’t know when. Okay? But you know how I feel. Don’t you?” He kept his hands where they were and looked down at them.
It was happening. He was pulling away, just like Eric did when school started up again. He would meet me after his practice and make love to me when no one could see, while no one knew, and I would let him. He would break me with his sweet words at night and his awkward glances during the day. The starter of the football team would never hold my hand in public. He would never kiss me just because he was happy as we sat underneath the stars. He wouldn’t meet my parents or my friends, or come to my birthday party as anything more than someone I knew.
I stood up.
“Sit down, Calvin,” he said harsher than I hoped he intended. It shot chills down my body, which was already fucking numb with freaking the fuck out. “I’m sorry, I just…“ He banged his fists on the table. “It’s all coming apart at the fucking seams, Calvin. I want you so bad. I need you. Fuck! I think I love you, Calvin. Please stay…”
“I will get you through this test, Mason. But I can’t… No, I won’t go backward, no matter how much I think I love you too. Can you understand that? I can’t, McKendrick,” the use of his last name made his face fall. “If I do… I don’t know what will be left of me. I thought you understood that. I thought you would never hurt me. I’m not saying that it has to be today, Mason, or even tomorrow, but I won’t be with you, hide with you in the closet. I can’t do that, no matter how much I want to kiss you right now. But it would have to happen soon for me to stay with you.” I leaned in towards him and lowered my voice. “And don’t you ever order me to do anything again, unless it’s in your bed.”
He stood up as I took a couple steps away and towards the exit. “Wait. I’m sorry. Fuck! I am fucking all of this up, aren’t I. Okay… I can’t lose you, baby. I know this is all so fucking fast, but I have never felt so sure of anything in my life. If I let you walk out that door, I will never forgive myself. How long can you give me?”
“I can’t tell you that, Mason. You can’t do this for me. You have to do this for you. But I will wait for a time. Okay? But I can’t wait forever. I won’t. As much as I love you, Mason, I have to love myself more.” I said sadly.
“We’re practicing late tomorrow night. Can I count on you being at the game?” he asked huskily, looking at me as if he was beaten. I hated that I was now a part of that. “It would mean a lot to me to have you there…”
“I never miss a game, Mason. I always look for you.” I bent down and kissed him on the top of the head and started to walk away. I felt his hand on my arm as he pulled me to him, his lips gently finding mine.
“I love you, Calvin.”
“I’ll see you Saturday, Mason,” I said as I left him standing there alone in the library.
Sixteen
Mason
The night was long and full of fucking thoughts that spun around through my head like a twister. Calvin’s words, the look on his face as I told him I couldn’t be with him in the way he needed, almost broke me.
The closet is dark, and even though I am usually surrounded by people who say they care for me, I have always felt so fucking alone. Now I have to decide when I will do this, or I will lose him forever, and he is the best thing that has ever happened to me in this stupid, fucked up world.
How long will he wait? How long will I string him along before he decides I am not worth it?
Why am I such a fucking pussy?
I get in my car and drive to the liquor store and pick up a bottle of whiskey. I need a goddamn drink, and I want to be alone with my misery.
The look on his face when he thought I didn’t want to be with him anymore. It's fucking haunting me. I promised him that I would never hurt him, and I came damn close to doing just that.
It was what I intended… in a way. I wanted to tell him that I needed to slow down, that I couldn’t handle falling in love with him and leading this team all at once. I wanted us to take a breather, but as soon as I saw his face, I knew that wasn’t what I really wanted. I needed him, more than I think I have ever needed anyone ever before.
How can someone become such an important and visceral part of you so fast? Fate? De
stiny? Or just blind fucking luck?
I drive over to the stadium and use my card to enter. I’ve only ever done this once before during my freshman year. The stadium is dark, but the lights of moray and the shopping center across the street illuminate the field. The grass is dewy, and I can feel my shoes getting wet. Doesn’t fucking matter I brought a small blanket to sit on as I stared at the stars. One day I would have to bring Calvin. If he waited for me. He would love this shit.
I spread the blanket out and lay down, feeling the turf sticking through the blanket and scratching me as I lay back upon it. The stars are out in full force tonight. The cool air wisps over me as I pull the top off the bottle and throw it somewhere into the field.
I take a gulp of the amber liquid, and it burns on the way down just like good Kentucky bourbon should. I’m gonna regret this tomorrow, but I can sleep it off and be ready for practice in the late afternoon. I need this Hell, I deserve this.
The more I drink, the blurrier the stars become. It hits me fast since I haven’t really eaten all day the food the twins brought me still sits somewhere in my locker. After the talk with Coach, I couldn’t bring myself to eat it. Fuck, I am weak…
How can I lead this team when I can’t even lead myself? They have looked up to me all year. I gave the pep talks, called the plays from the sidelines for Hawkins to follow because he had no clue and was in way over his head. Coach looked to me to offer guidance and fellowship to this motley crew of loser we called a football team, and I was glad to do it. Would they be glad if they knew who I really was?
I took another swig. Fuck… it warmed me nicely as I lay here. The stars glared down at me, judging me with their harsh light as I watched them slowly move across the sky.