“Are you okay?” he asks. His soft, breathless voice breaks through my thoughts as I stare up into his eyes. What I’m thinking must be reflected in my eyes as he reluctantly rolls over to his side and tenderly kisses me on the forehead. He wraps his strong arm around my waist and holds me tighter. He senses me. With all the years between us, I can never hide my feelings from him. I turn my head and look over at his handsome face.
“What happened between you and Reed?”
Tyler hesitates a moment as a torn expression passes across his face, but his eyes are still wild with passion. He sighs, looking down at me as he brushes away a strand of hair from my face.
“You have no idea how hard it was for me to keep this from you,” he admits, creasing his brow. He swallows roughly, cupping the back of his neck as he searches my face.
“Tell me what?” Now my heart is pounding in my ears as I sit up on the bed and hold my pillow to my chest. What information has he been withholding from me that has him acting guilty and afraid?
He sits back against the headboard, fidgeting with the edges of the pillow. “You don’t know how fucking hard this is. I thought this was our time, our chance to be together.” He clenches his jaw in aggravation. “Fuck.” He looks at me through blazing brown eyes. “Elle, can you honestly tell me if you still have feelings for Reed after tonight?” he breathes. “Because the way I see it, I’m going to lose on both sides. Once you’re honest with me about Reed, it’s going to probably break my heart in two. And, on the other hand, once I tell you what I did to interfere with Reed, you’ll most likely push me away anyway.”
“What? What are you talking about?” The air around us suddenly becomes electric with tension.
“I knew Reed was here,” he says brokenly.
“Yes,”‘ I reply, raising my eyebrows. “A lot of people knew.”
“No, let me finish.” He inhales a sharp breath as I hold mine and hang onto his words. “I’ve known since Travis got into town. At the airport,” he murmurs, dropping his eyes to his hands. “I confronted him in the restroom and told him to stay away from you. That he was no good for you.”
I shake my head in disbelief. “What? Why? Why would you do that?” I mutter after a couple of minutes, trying to contain my emotions.
“I saw every fucking thing he put you through. I was protecting you from more hurt,” he retorts. I notice the vein pulsing in his neck, and his hands clutching the sheets tightly.
“Is that… Is that what you think?” I choke on the words. “You watched me cry and go through more pain over Reed than I did both times with Cane. You knew how I felt when I thought Reed just left me. All this time you knew he was back for me, and you told him to stay away. Are you fucking kidding me with the protecting me bullshit right now?”
“I was there for you. Do you remember that?” His once soft voice hardens. “Does that mean anything?”
“I do remember. Everything.” I gaze up at him in disbelief. My heart hurts that he would do this. “And it means so much to me that you were there. But...” I trail off, unable to finish. I can’t find the words. I can’t understand any of this. Tyler would never do this to me, hurt me like this, or was he really protecting me?
“I can’t take back what I’ve done,” he interjects. “I know I should have let you decide on your own. Even after trying to move forward with our relationship, you still love Reed. I really believe we can never be anything more than what we were before. Elle, you need to know I thought this was the best for you, and obviously I thought wrong. If you choose Reed and it doesn’t work out, you know I’ll be here for you, but I can’t help you pick up those pieces again. I can’t handle it.”
He lets out a sigh and reaches for me, trying to make me look into his burning eyes. It’s at this moment that I’m fully aware of my vulnerability and nakedness displayed in front of him.
“Stop,” I breathe. “You should have let me make that decision on my own.”
“Yes... No...” He shakes his head. “I... We were both being selfish. I wanted you. I wanted us while you still wanted Reed. God…” The wounded look on his face assures me how difficult this is for him. “When I fucking heard you tell Sierra that you still loved him tonight, I ignored it. I had to. I’ve always wanted you. I thought this was my chance to be more than a friend to you.”
“Maybe I was being selfish,” I affirm. “I needed you like I always do, and you never fail me. Ever.”
“You don’t think I know what happened that night at J.P. Licks? Who you saw? I knew he was there. I saw his truck parked on the street. I knew that was why you were so upset. I left it alone. I’m always protecting you. Maybe that’s what I’ve been doing wrong all this time.”
Closing my eyes to stop the tears and unable to speak through the lump in my throat, I listen to Tyler’s breathing and ponder the time that has passed. Lost time. Time I could have used to figure out things with Reed. Whether we should let it go or work on what we had.
“Elle,” he says my name so tenderly that I open my eyes. He smiles sadly at me, pulling me into him. “This fucking hurts,” he whispers, peering through me, all the way to my soul. “We...I…can’t do this anymore. This is not good for either one of us. You need to figure out what you want and having me here is making it hard for both of us. I love you. I’ve wanted to be with you for so long, and it hurts like fucking hell to say this.” His eyes glisten with unshed tears. “I didn’t want it to be this way, but I know that you don’t love me the way I love you. In the end, it’s always going to be me who hurts the most.”
I force away my gaze and exhale, wondering where we go from here. My emotions are pulling me in a million directions. I don’t know how much time passes as we sit in an uneasy silence now that the truth is out in the open.
“Maybe this is for the best since neither of us knows where we’ll be in a year with you planning to go to medical school and my baseball career. But, you know I’d go anywhere with you. I would make it work,” Tyler reasons, clearly saddened by the idea and so am I.
“Let’s take a step back, go back before all of this,” I whisper, wrapping my arms around his waist. “We still have our friendship. I don’t ever want to lose that. If I did, I don’t know what I would do.” Tyler strokes my hair as I look up into his emotion-filled eyes.
“I don’t know what I would do either.” He cups my cheek. I shake my head as my own tears begin to fall. “Don’t Elle,” he says, wiping away a tear with his thumb.
“I want us to move forward and see our future married and happy, even if it’s with someone else.”
“I’ve always wanted that for you.” My breath catches when he smiles, realizing that I can never stay angry with Tyler. “You know you can tell me what you want from me, and I’ll do it. If you want me to leave, I’ll leave,” he whispers.
“No.” I lift my head to look into his eyes. “I could never stay mad at you,” I say.
Even though what he revealed hurt me deeply, I still needed Tyler tonight because I know that by moving forward, things are going to change between us. I just didn’t have it in me to be alone tonight. I still needed my best friend.
I wake up to the smell of coffee brewing in the kitchen. Yawning, I sit up and glance out the window, thinking about what happened last night, what could have happened and what was said. Before we fell asleep, I gave him a framed picture that Chad took of me in his childhood baseball jersey and my pom-poms. He laughed. I love his laugh. It was like we were little kids again and everything was simple and perfect.
I slept curled up in his arms last night. Safe. I love him, but I’m still upset. Talking in the dark made it easier, but now that it’s morning, I feel there’s more that needs to be said. We have to be clear about our relationship so there is no misunderstanding. I pull the covers off and put on a tank top and pair of sweats and pull my hair back into a ponytail. I feel weak on my feet as I walk down the hallway to the kitchen. My stomach is unsettled, and my brain is in a dense fog. I
can’t remember the last time I drank this much. Actually, I do but swat away the unpleasant thought as my phone rings from somewhere in my apartment. I scurry around looking for it.
“You see my phone?” I call out from the living room.
“What happened to good morning?” Tyler laughs from the kitchen.
“Morning!” I yell, running into the kitchen. “My phone?”
“Relax. It’s right there.” He points to the table. “It’s ten a.m. on a Saturday. Who’s calling you?”
“Who knows?” I answer, giving him a quick peck on the cheek before checking my text messages.
Piper.
Oh crap. I hope to God she doesn’t ask me to go out. I can’t do any more drinking this weekend.
Piper: Hey. Don’t make any plans next Friday.
Elle: Why?
Piper: House of Blues...Crimzen. Ur coming with me.
Elle: Sounds like fun.
Piper: Booked. I’ll be at your place at 9.
“Who was that?” Tyler questions, looking over his shoulder as he runs his hand through his tousled hair.
“Piper.”
“Your wild friend?”
“How do you define wild?” I ask, standing next to him as he pours me a cup of coffee.
“Wild is taking my conservative best friend to get a sexy tat.” He turns slightly to me and winks.
“Conservative?” I smirk, bumping him with my hip. “I think you’ve got me all wrong, Mister.”
“Doubt it. Remember when I got my first tat?”
I scrunch my nose at him and shudder. “It just looked painful.”
“Well, you told me you would never get one.”
“I felt inspired.” I sigh, looking up at him with a smile.
“Inspired?” His eyes flick down to my tattoo before returning to my face. “What inspired your tat?”
I shrug my shoulders. It was a spontaneous decision and it felt right when I chose to get it, but right now I just don’t want to talk about it. I don’t think Tyler would understand. We still need to talk about what happened last night and how things have changed. I grab my cup of coffee and sit at the table. Tyler sits across from me and sips his coffee in silence, not knowing what to say to me and I’m unsure what to say to him.
“Tyler.” I finally speak. He eyes me carefully as he puts down his coffee, making it impossible to know what he is thinking. “I hate that what I’m about to say is going to hurt you. I’ve said it before. I need to be honest with my feelings. I can’t be stringing you along like this.” I pull back and observe him cautiously.
“Elle, I couldn’t sleep last night. I was thinking, trying to understand all of this.” He utters as he takes my hand. He looks so sullen. “I always thought that...we could have more than a friendship. I never felt this way for any girl in my life, and I was hoping and praying like hell that you felt the same for me. I have to be true about how I feel. You need to know...”He trails of.
“I know...” My response is barely a whisper.
“But...” he interrupts, staring blankly into his cup. The emotions rise in my throat as I lift his chin. Guilt and sympathy wash through me when I see the warmth and love in his eyes which makes what I’m about to say that much harder to express.
“I love you so much. You’re my best friend, but I know I love Reed in a way that I’ve never felt before.”
“It’s the same way that I love you. I get that. I mean, I have no choice really. I’m not going to force you to feel what I feel for you.” He exhales. “It’s not possible.” He gazes at me intently and takes both of my hands. “What’s missing?”
“Tyler, nothing is missing. You’re everything I want in a friend. Everything. I just need to find out what it is I’m feeling, and dragging you through this while I try to figure out my feelings is not fair to you. It’s horrible to mislead you.”
“You didn’t know how much I loved you,” he murmurs, stroking my cheek.
“I did know. I always knew.”
“You’ll never be mine like I want you.” He rises from the table.
“Tyler,” I choke. “I tried, but I can’t deny these feelings. Do you understand that?”
“I’m trying,” he whispers so I barely hear him. He looks at me. Passion burns past the tears in his eyes. “I’ve wanted us together for so long that the thought of letting go of the idea of us …”
“You’re wrong,” I breathe, rising from the table to face him and wrapping my arms around his shoulders. “You’re not losing anything, and you are not losing me. Ever.”
“I only wished that you would have looked at me the same way you look at Reed. I really hoped for that, but all along I think I kept forcing us...pushing you away.” He swallows. “You know I had to try, Elle. I couldn’t go through life not knowing what it felt like to kiss you and love you. I won’t ever regret these last few weeks.”
“I don’t regret one second with you.” My words come out in a low murmur. “None...none of this was easy for me. Don’t ever think that. “
“Why did you move forward with me when you were clearly still in love with Reed?”
“It wasn’t clear to me. Not until I came face-to-face with him again.” I shake my head and look up at him. “You know I would never hurt you intentionally.”
“If I had told you that Reed was at the airport that day, what happened between us would have never happened?”
“That’s not fair to ask.” I pull away from him. “You’re not making this easy,” I protest, shaking my head stubbornly.
“Because it’s not so easy to let go of the idea of us. After these past few weeks with you, I know for a fact that Reed is lucky, and I swear he better not do anything stupid. I hope he realizes what he has with you this time.” He leans down and brushes our lips together. “You’ll always have me as your best friend.” My tears begin to fall.
He wipes away my tears and smiles sweetly. “I think we need to take some time to find out how to be away from each other since we’re going to have to soon enough with medical school and baseball.”
“Tyler, I’d rather keep you as my best friend than lose you all together. Please don’t let this time apart create more distance between us. I’ll love you no matter what. You know that, right?”
“Yeah, Elle, I know. Give me a few days to let this settle. I think I just need to be alone for a while.”
I wish things could have ended differently, like he wanted, but my feelings for him do not equal how he feels for me and Tyler only deserves the best. I can’t give him what he wants because my heart belongs to Reed.
“I want all of you, not part of you. I wouldn’t want it any other way, and if your heart is with Reed, then I have to let this part go. It’s for the best,” he smiles wistfully.
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m not sorry for loving you. Don’t be sorry for how you feel.” He pauses. “If anything, this just makes our friendship that much stronger. I want to be the first one you come to for anything. I don’t want this to change anything between us.”
I am so happy to hear those words from him. I gaze into his warm brown eyes and wrap my arms around him tightly. “Never. I promise.”
I have to stop counting the hours until Friday, telling myself time will go by faster if I do. Piper is confident, so I’m anxious to see if her plan is a success. I’ve been shooting her text messages to make sure we’re still on. She say’s I’m annoying her but I know she doesn’t mean it, and if she did, I wouldn’t give a shit. Now, I need to focus on other things like where the hell Tommy and Juju are going to stay when they come up to Boston in two weeks, three days before Halloween. They could stay here, but with Luke’s lifestyle, I am not sure it’s the best choice. If worse comes to worse, I can sleep on the couch and they can take my bed.
This is my first Halloween in Boston, and from what Luke has told me, Lansdowne Pub is the place to be. I agreed to go because I have nothing planned, and I’m sure Juju and Tommy would love to hit the t
own right away. Luke said he’ll take care of the particulars since he knows someone that works there. I’m not surprised. My only hope is that by that time Elle is by my side.
I stopped calling and texting her altogether. Talk about fucking impossible, but after what she saw, I think she needs a break from seeing me with other women, particularly Sierra. Thank goodness Sierra won’t be a problem anymore since I deleted her number and told her to delete mine.
I don’t expect any calls from Elle either, even though I’m hanging onto the idea that she might. Regardless what I do, I always stumble. When I reach out for her, I’m always pushed away. I wish my luck would change. I’d do just about anything for her, but each time I run toward her it seems like I’m not any closer to her. All I can do it wait.
Running. That’s what I’m doing right now. I relish the cold October air cutting into my skin as the sun breaks out from behind the clouds. The park is busy today with kids playing soccer and some guys playing touch football on another field. I finish my last lap and make my way to watch them play for a few minutes when one of the guys starts chatting with me.
“Man down. Can you play?” he asks, taking a sip of water from a jug.
I look over and smile. “I think I can help with that.”
“Cool.”
I spend the rest of the afternoon taking some hits and catching some passes before I head back to my empty apartment. I exchanged numbers with a couple of guys to come out and play whenever they need an extra man which is good because I have some spare time on my hands. Getting some additional practice time can only help me when tryouts come around. I find myself drifting in the direction of Elle’s mom’s house when I leave the track. I have to stop this shit. If anyone sees me, they will probably call the neighborhood watch. I could always walk by the center. It’s on the way, unlike her house, which is completely out of my way. Maybe I’ll get lucky and catch a glimpse of her.
Wanting Reed (Break Me) BOOK 2 Page 24