“They’re not as cool as velociraptors,” was the sullen reply, “and you only let me make the bones for them.”
“We agreed they were too dangerous,” Sparkle Princess gloated.
“I didn’t.”
“Fine, fine, okay. We heard you,” Big Daddy said. “If we nix the unicorns, will you shut up and let us get to more important issues?”
“Husband...” Oceania remonstrated.
“Shouldn’t we vote on that first? You know, like in a democracy?”
“Daughter!”
“This is a ridiculous waste of time. It is clear that I, Thunderdome, should be in charge.” He slammed his fist again, this time punching all the way through the not-table. “I hereby cast as many votes so as I am able. Eighty-nine should suffice.”
“Son!”
“Unicorns would be so much cooler if they had horns everywhere, like armored spikes that shot acid-spitting crocodiles.”
“I think this is the first time I’ve ever agreed with Stinky Kid,” Mr. Mojo said.
“See? I’m not the only one after all.”
<<>>
*drinks*
<<>>
Fate, having long listened to the gods’ combined wishes for their finest creation, was ready to act. He slid his beer glass, still half full with autumn lager, to the side and unfolded like the first night engulfing an absolute horizon and left, seeping through the stitching that binds together dreams. Only Mr. Mojo Sex Machine noticed his exit—the others were still consumed by squabbling—and followed Fate to the yearning behind the stars.
There, he watched silently as the First Engineer faded into being.
“Oh. Is that all?” the First Engineer sniffed sarcastically after Fate told him the gods’ specifications. “Impossibly strong yet enduringly delicate. Wise and patient yet filled with innocent wonder and joy. Majestic to behold while looking like Thunderdome. It’s not just impossible, it’s insulting.”
“It has been proclaimed,” Fate said, though his voice was more a reverberation in the eddies of eternity than mere words.
The First Engineer shrugged eloquently. Their delusions weren’t his problem. “I do like the part about dangly bits, though. It makes them modular, redundant, and their genetic algorithms accept inputs from multiple vectors.”
Still thinking himself unseen, Mr. Mojo grinned. At least someone appreciated his brilliant idea.
“It should have already been done,” Fate not-quite-said, showing no sign that he considered impossibility a valid excuse.
“You’re serious?” When Fate nodded the First Engineer rolled his eyes. “Marketing. Always promising more than we can deliver. If I put all that in, all of creation would unravel. Explosively.”
No one says “So be it” quite like Fate, and while he had a half-earned reputation for causing more problems than he solved, Mr. Mojo was actually quite responsible at heart and couldn’t let the universe destroy itself without doing something.
He made his presence known. “I know how to make it work.”
The First Engineer eyed him, a non-engineer, skeptically but Fate nodded assent. “You have only bequeathed one gift,” Fate’s more-than-voice rumbled. “Another would not be remiss.”
Grinning impishly, Mr. Mojo Sex Machine saved the world.
<<>>
*drinks*
<<>>
As you might have guessed, that gift was beer. Unlike the other gods, Mr. Mojo knew that not even Fate was the force which turned the wheel of destiny. All of them, even mighty Thunderdome, were simply those who sat so close to the center they could not feel the motion. For all the gods’ grand ideas, light is balanced by darkness, a balance found in all things, even gods, and it is impossible to create something more perfect than yourself.
So when the pressure of living up to the godly, impossible ideals of dignity, productivity, accomplishment and sex appeal prove too much, there’s beer. When you know you need to do something but don’t know what, there’s beer. When you need to start a fire and the only sticks around are the ones up people’s asses, there’s beer.
The First Engineer did what he could, but you of all people should know the gods ask too much. When the world cracks under the weight of their demands, beer lubricates the slide from shining expectations to fuzzy reality. For every stuffed shirt there’s a string of people puking in the bathtub. Hubris dissolved in a warm, amber glow.
But that’s not why I gave you beer.
Light and darkness, darkness and light. I’ve walked many paths—including one which leads to a hermaphrodite named Raoulita absolutely owning it in the slums of Curacao, but that’s not important right now... or ever—and the darkness that isn’t seen devours. Better worlds than yours have blinked into oblivion, swallowed along with what they claimed as their wisdom. The darkness is hungry, remembers the infinite night before the dawn of all souls. More than that, it lurks in the shadows behind your eyes.
So. Humanity. The culminating pride of the gods’ creation. Drunken rage. Blackout sex. Loud, obnoxious not giving a shit. The million morning after embarrassments as what could have been is slowly pissed away in unisex bathrooms. What better tool than beer to lance the boils of self-delusion and numb the pain while the truth oozes free?
The gods made the world wrong and, as usual, I’m the one who has to clean up the mess. Know who you are, know what you are, and you and your dangly bits might yet survive. And if you happen to forget along the way, beer will always be there to remind you.
You’re welcome, and smile. The next drink’s on me.
<<>>
About the Authors
Bob Brown lives, works, and writes with his two pugs, two cats, and several dozen chickens in Washington state. He is the author of numerous short stories and the recently released children's book, The Damsel, the Dragon, and the Knight. He is currently working on several projects including a space opera techno thriller with Irene Radford. He is well known in the science fiction convention community as RadCon Bob, due in part to the nature of his work as a Health Physicist at the Hanford Nuclear Reservation where he supports clean up of nuclear waste left over from the Cold War. Bob is an avid gardener and a teller of chicken jokes.
Barb Caffrey is a writer, editor and musician from the Midwest. Though "On the Making of Veffen" is her first-ever story about beer, she has written other things, including a novel, ELFY, that will be published late in 2013 by Twilight Times Books. Previous stories and poems have appeared in the BEDLAM'S EDGE anthology (with late husband Michael B. Caffrey), the BEARING NORTH anthology, the Written Word online magazine, Joyful Online, the Midwest Literary Magazine, and at e-Quill Publishing. Find her at Elfyverse (AKA "Barb Caffrey's Blog") for discussions of all and sundry, or at Shiny Book Review.
Clayton J. Callahan once got a job he really loved, Professional Story Teller. He was performing at renaissance festivals, civil war re-enactments, libraries, book stores and schools. “What a great job to have!” people would tell him after a performance. Then in the next breath they would ask, “Can you make a living at this?” The answer sadly…was no.
To make a living he has served US Navy on an anti-terrorist team, the US Army as a communications sergeant, worked as a public school teacher, deputy sheriff, and Federal Counterintelligence Special Agent. He has served three tours in the Middle East where people tried, rather unsuccessfully, to kill him.
Re-entering the world of storytelling, he has written articles for Knights Of The Dinner Table Magazine, Tournaments Illuminated, Tabletop Gaming News and written informational books for gamers. He is also the designer of two games; Star Run and Battlefields: From Broadswords to Bullets.
Brenda W. Clough is a meek, mild-mannered reporter at a major metropolitan publication. She has published seven novels, many short stories, nonfiction, and innumerable book reviews that revolve around death, misery and grief. She has traveled around the world under the aegis of the US government, and now lives in a cottage at the edge of a forest, surrounded by animals
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Her novel, Revise the World, is available in electronic format at Book View Café (www.bookviewcafe.com). A version of it was a finalist for both the Hugo and Nebula awards. Her latest electronic novel is Speak to Our Desires.
Mark J. Ferrari has been a professional fantasy illustrator since 1987, and a published novelist since 2007, when his first fantasy novel, The Book of Joby, was published by TOR. The Book of Joby has since sold nearly 30,000 copies, been honored as a Booksense Pick, made Booklist’s ‘Top Ten’ for science fiction/fantasy in 2008, was selected as a finalist for the Endeavor Award, and was re-released as a mass market paperback in January of 2012. Mark has completed a new novel called Twice, currently heading toward publication, and has published several short stories in various anthologies during the past year in collaboration with author Shannon Page. Mark currently resides in Seattle, Washington. More info on his art and writing can be found at www.markferrari.com.
2Manny Frishberg was born just south of New York City and attended high school in the shadow of the Brooklyn Bridge. He has made his home on the West Coast for more than 40 years.
His feature articles have appeared on the pages of numerous magazines and websites since 1976, and won four journalism awards. He is a freelance book editor and an associate editor and columnist for Dark Eclipse, an online horror magazine, and its quarterly print companion, Dark Moon Digest.
Having been writing science fiction and fantasy for half his life in which children and cats play a significant role, he has sold several short stories that involve neither.
For the past several years he and his partner have made their home in the shadow of SeaTac Airport, where they attend to their cats and wait for the children to call.
Laurel Anne Hill's award-winning novel, Heroes Arise, was released by KOMENAR Publishing in 2007. Her shorter works of fiction and nonfiction have appeared in a variety of publications, most recently (2012-2013) in the anthologies Horrible Disasters, Shanghai Steam, Fault Zone: Over the Edge, The Wickeds and Spells and Swashbucklers. The fans of HorrorAddicts.net voted Laurel "Most Wicked 2011" for her steampunk/horror podcast, "Flight of Destiny." She lives in Northern California with her husband and their affectionate 100-pound werewolf. Laurel gives writing workshops to adults and young adults, serves as a writing contest judge, and loves to encourage young writers to follow their dreams. Visit Laurel's website and podcast at http://www.laurelannehill.com.
Chris Wong Sick Hong writes stories. There doesn't seem to be much more to say right now. If you'd like to read more, check out his near future urban fantasy, Dick Richards: Private Eye, at www.thedickrichards.com.
Frog and Esther Jones are a husband and wife writing team who live in Eastern Washington with their Flemish Giant rabbit, Oxeye, and their hedgehog, Cinnabun. When they aren't writing, they work at a rural law firm which handles whatever emergencies walk through the door. Their previous short stories include The Curse of Khenti-Amentiu, published by Skywarrior Books in 2011.
The ebook edition of Nancy Jane Moore’s collection, Conscientious Inconsistencies, was released in May 2013 by Book View Café. Her other books include the novella Changeling, available in print from Aqueduct Press and in ebook form from Book View Café, and the flash fiction collection Flashes of Inspiration, also a Book View Café ebook. Her short fiction has appeared most recently in PS Publishing’s Postscripts, the military SF anthology Best Laid Plans, and the steampunk anthology Gear and Levers 3. In addition to writing fiction, Nancy holds a fourth degree black belt in the martial art of Aikido and is working on a self defense book.
G. David Nordley is an author and astronautical engineer. A retired Air Force officer, he has extensive experience in spacecraft systems operations, engineering, and testing as well as research in advanced spacecraft propulsion. As an author, he is a past Hugo and nebula award nominee as well as a four-time winner of the Analog Science Fiction/Science Fact annual "AnLab" reader's poll. His latest novel is The Black Hole Project, with C. S. Lowe, from Variationspublishing.com. and his latest short fiction is "The Fountain" in the June 2013 Asimov's. Including nonfiction, songs and poetry, "A Wartime Draught" will mark his 100th publication. He lives in Sunnyvale, CA, with his wife, a retired Apple Computer programmer. His website is www.gdnordley.com.
Shannon Page was born on Halloween night and spent her early years on a commune in northern California's backwoods. A childhood without television gave her a great love of books and the worlds she found in them. She wrote her first book, an illustrated adventure starring her cat, at the age of seven. Sadly, that story is currently out of print, but her work has appeared in Clarkesworld, Interzone, Fantasy, Black Static, Tor.com, and a mighty number of anthologies, including Love and Rockets from DAW, Subterranean’s Tales of Dark Fantasy 2, Flying Pen Press’s Space Tramps: Full Throttle Space Tales #5, and the Australian Shadows Award-winning Grants Pass. She has two novels appearing in 2013: Eel River, a hippie horror tale, from Morrigan Books; and The Queen and The Tower, first book in The Nightcraft Quartet, from Per Aspera Press. Shannon is a longtime yoga practitioner, has no tattoos, and is an avid gardener at home in Portland, Oregon. Visit her at www.shannonpage.net.
Irene Radford has been writing stories ever since she figured out what a pencil was for. A member of an endangered species, a native Oregonian who lives in Oregon, she and her husband make their home in Welches, Oregon where deer, bears, coyotes, hawks, owls, and woodpeckers feed regularly on their back deck.
A museum trained historian, Irene has spent many hours prowling pioneer cemeteries deepening her connections to the past. Raised in a military family she grew up all over the US and learned early on that books are friends that don’t get left behind with a move. Her interests and reading range from ancient history, to spiritual meditations, to space stations, and a whole lot in between.
In other lifetimes she writes urban fantasy as P.R. Frost and space opera as C.F. Bentley. You can follow Irene Radford on Live Journal, rambling_phyl or on FaceBook Phyllis Irene Radford
Bruce Taylor, aka. “Mr. Magic Realism”, writes magic realism. He has nine books published. A collection (“Alembical”) with his novella, “Thirteen Miles to Paradise”, received a starred review in Publishers Weekly. “Kafka's Uncle and other Strange Tales” was nominated for the &NOW Award for Innovative Writing (SUNY, NY). Other titles are, “Edward: Dancing on the Edge of Infinity”, “Magic of Wild Places” and (with Brian Herbert) “Stormworld”. With Elton Elliott, he co-edited “Like Water for Quarks”, an anthology about the blending of magic realism and science fiction. New titles recently released are “Mr. Magic Realism”, “Metamorphosis Blues”. His first anthology, “The Final Trick of Funnyman and Other Stories” has just been re-released as an e-book from Baen Books. Another book, “Mountains of the Night” is slated for re-release as well as its companion book, “Magic of Wild Places”. The third book of the trilogy (“Majesty of the World”) is presently being written. Bruce is also working on other projects with Brian Herbert. Living in Seattle, he has a smashing view of Mt. Rainier. His website is: www.brucebtaylor.com.
Joyce Reynolds-Ward is a middle school learning specialist, horsewoman and skier living in Portland, Oregon. Besides earning a Semi-Finalist placement in Writers of the Future, she's had short stories and essays published in Random Realities, M-Brane SF, The Fifth Di…, Nightbird Singing in the Dead of Night, Zombiefied, River, Gobshite Quarterly, and Gears and Levers 1. Her newest novel in The Netwalk Sequence, Netwalker Uprising, will be available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and other sites in e-book form and trade paper in March, 2013. Examples of her professional education writing can be found at ChildsWork.com. When not teaching, she's often thundering about on her intrepid reining mare Mocha, living la vida ski bum, and writing. Joyce is currently working on a certificate in Interpersonal Neurobiology through Portland State University and hopes to integrate her study of neuroscience in both her teaching and her writing. Follow her adventures through her blog, Peak Amygdala, at www.j
oycereynoldsward.com.
Books Published by Sky Warrior Books
Purchase them through online resellers and better independent bookstores everywhere. Visit us at www.skywarriorbooks.com for news and upcoming books and promotions.
Alma Alexander
2012: Midnight at Spanish Gardens (E-book, Trade Paperback)
Embers of Heaven (E-book, Trade Paperback)
S. A. Bolich
Firedancer (E-book, Trade Paperback)
Windrider (E-Book, Trade Paperback)
M. H. Bonham
Prophecy of Swords (E-book)
Runestone of Teiwas (E-book)
Serpent Singer and Other Stories (E-book)
Bob Brown
The Dragon, The Damsel, and the Knight (YA E-book)
John Dalmas
Soldiers! Part 1(E-book)
Soldiers! Part 2 (E-book)
The Second Coming (E-book, Trade Paperback)
Deby Fredericks
Seven Exalted Orders (E-book)
Carol Hightshoe (Editor)
Zombiefied: An Anthology of All Things Zombie (E-book)
Gary Jonas
Acheron Highway (E-book)
Modern Sorcery (E-book, Trade Paperback)
One-Way Ticket to Midnight (E-book)
Quick Shots (E-book, Trade Paperback)
Frog and Esther Jones
Grace Under Fire (E-book)
Pat MacEwen
The Dragon’s Kiss (E-book)
Rough Magic (E-book)
Michael J. Parry
The Oaks Grove (E-book)
The Spiral Tattoo (E-book)
Phyllis Irene Radford
Healing Waves: A Charity Anthology for Japan (Editor) (E-book)
How Beer Saved the World (Editor) (E-book)
Gears and Levers 1: A Steampunk Anthology (Editor) (E-book, Trade Paperback)
Gears and Levers 2: A Steampunk Anthology (Editor) (E-book, Trade Paperback)
Lacing Up for Murder, A Whistling River Mystery (E-book)
So You Want to Commit Novel (E-book, Trade Paperback)
How Beer Saved the World Page 20