by Guy Lilburne
Terry was actually born in Essex, but told everyone that he was a ‘Cockney’. He certainly spent all his adult life working and living in London. He retired at 66 years of age and went to live in Thailand. The trouble was that he had no pension other than his old age state pension. Terry had worked most of his life on the edge of criminality. He had worked for some serious criminals, although Terry himself had never done any serious crime. As Terry would say ‘he spent his life wheeling and dealing and ducking and diving’. He had been a driver, a body guard, a croupier at an illegal casino and, for a long time, he was a delivery driver. The trouble was he was delivering stolen cash, weapons and smuggled goods. Terry didn’t see his past as a bad thing. It was just a job and it was all in the past. He had been in prison, but he never talked about it much. He very poetically called it his ‘Blue Period’. He was retired now and ‘living the dream’ in the Land of Smiles. He was a very lovely and kind-hearted man with a non-stop sense of humour. He survived in Thailand the same way he survived back in England - by wheeling and dealing. But it was always with a smile and nobody was getting hurt. Terry always became even more ‘cockney’ whenever anyone else from around the London area would come into the bar. He spoke in a stronger cockney accent, dropped into a jerky walk with facial twitches and had exaggerated arm and hand movements. It was as if all London people had to try and out cockney each other, without the other person knowing they were trying to do it. In their conversation they would slip in questions about people, places or history of London to establish each other’s real credentials. The other domino players called it the cockney quiz show and laughed about how two strangers claiming to be from London could turn into Chas & Dave within 30 seconds.
John was also from Essex and had never claimed to be from anywhere else. He had raised a family back in England all by himself, after his wife had run off with his best friend when the children were small. But after they and his grandchildren had all grown up, he decided that he wanted to have some time and some fun for himself. He retired to Thailand five years before at the age of 70. He had married a Thai lady who he had met in a bar and they had been happy together ever since. John was often the voice of reason within the group, despite the fact that he suffered with ‘tourettes’ and was sometimes a little slow on the uptake. Besides the occasional trip organized by Sloany, playing dominos in the Sloan Square Bar was the highlight of his life. As far as John was concerned they were all friends living in a tropical country, playing dominos and ‘living the dream’.
Norris was 70 years old, over weight and his arms and chest were covered in tattoos, which advertised his passion for Birmingham City FC, his parents and his children. A few of the self-inflicted ones advertised names of old girlfriends who he couldn’t even remember anymore. Like the rest of the domino players and the bar owner he had very little or no hair. When they all sat at the same table they resembled a box of eggs!
Norris was largely responsible for Gary Sloan coming to live in Pattaya. Actually, it is probably unfair to blame Norris. They had been friends for a long time back in England and, after Norris had retired to Thailand, Sloany came out for a holiday and fell in love with the vibrant bar scene. A few months later he had sold everything he owned and turned up in Thailand. Sloany was too young for a retirement visa and had no regular income once all his savings had gone. Norris let him stay at his house on one of the new estates just outside the city. He also fed him every day, so the only thing Sloany had to spend his money on was beer and someone to have sex with from one of the bars. From the day he arrived up until the present time he had never had a visa, so he was one of the thousands who live in Thailand and have to leave and re-enter the country every 30 days, on what is known as a visa run. Sloany knew he wouldn’t be able to survive forever on his savings so he decided to marry a bar girl, set up his own bar and motorbike-hire business as a way of earning an income. Tuk was the lucky girl - or as most people now believed, the unlucky girl. She was delighted to get married and have her own bar. She worked extremely hard and she made the bar work, but her marriage to Sloany had become a bit of a sham - a show for the people who knew them. On some level there was love between them, but that love never made it into the bedroom. After Sloany married Tuk he borrowed the money to set up the bar from Norris, but all these years later he had still not paid him back. The loan was still talked about between the two men and Sloany always explained that business was not very good, but he would start to repay the loan as soon as things get better. Anyone else would have taken action to recover the debt, but Norris was just too nice. He was just Norris. He felt sort of responsible for Sloany and Sloany was always very quick to take advantage of Norris’s gentle heart.
Chapter 3.: So this is Pattaya!
After his shower and a change of clothes Simon walked out into the hot bright sunshine of the Pattaya day. The feeling of excitement still surged around his body. He wondered if everyone who visited Thailand for the first time had the same feelings that were now pulsating through his body. It felt like a drug and he wanted to take it all in and soak it all up. He felt as if he was making a new start in his life; a new job, a new country and a whole new adventure. He walked along the busy Soi (road). He was dressed too smartly to be an ex-pat. He looked exactly what he was - a brand new first timer in Thailand. The sun was hot and the weather was humid and he was sweating before he had walked twenty paces. It occurred to him that he should have put shorts on instead of the long cream trousers that he was wearing, but the white short sleeved shirt and the old straw trilby that he had brought with him from England were more suited for the climate. He had no plan and no destination in mind. He was just going to wander around and acclimatize himself. He knew that he wasn’t too far from the beach, but he didn’t know in what direction he had to walk to find it. He decided he would have to get a map of Pattaya from somewhere, until he knew his way around. But for today it wasn’t important. An overwhelming feeling of happiness and excitement was washing over him and he was just happy to be there, walking along a Soi in Pattaya and looking at all the beautiful and sexy girls, who all seemed to be looking at him and smiling. Some waved and some even called out
“Hello sexy man. Where you go?”
Simon just smiled back and shrugged his shoulders. It felt like this was the friendliest place that he had ever been and he was sure he was going to like it in Thailand.
He hadn’t wandered very far when he walked past The Sloan Square Bar. It looked a little dark and dim inside and he didn’t like the cream painted walls, but he was attracted by the loud laughter of a group of old Englishmen, who seemed to be having a great time as they slammed dominos down on a table. He slowed down to watch the men as he walked past. They were an unremarkable looking lot. They were all old and bald, but they looked like they were having a great time. One of the men sitting at the domino table looked too skinny to be healthy and his teeth looked a bit too big for his mouth when he laughed. But what made him stand out from the others was the white trilby he wore cocked at an angle on his head and the long white Arab robe, or Thawb, that he was dressed in. Another man shouted out;
“Fuck, shit bollocks.” And after a while he shouted, “Twat.”
Simon wasn’t sure if he had tourettes, or was just taking the domino game a little seriously!
A bald headed man with a huge beer gut appeared from the back of the bar and, as he walked to the front of the bar, he spoke to Simon.
“Hello mate. Do you fancy a nice cold beer?” The man had a big face. His cheeks were wider than the top of his head and gave his face a sort of triangle shape, but he had a very wide smile. Simon found himself smiling back and he suddenly realized that a cold beer was exactly what he wanted.
“Thanks, I’d love one.” Simon stepped up the one step into the bar and sat away from the group playing dominos. He sat on a bar stool and leaned on the flimsy wooden rail at the front of the bar and looked out into
the Soi.
“What do you want to drink?” asked Gary Sloan.
“I’ll have a beer please. Whatever you’ve got.”
The fat man with the big face nodded and smiled. He walked back behind the bar where he spoke with a pretty Thai lady who nodded. After a moment she brought him a bottle of Chang beer and a printed bill in a little wooden cup. The chubby man walked behind her.
“This is my wife Tuk,” he said. “My name is Gary Sloan. This is my bar. All my mates call me Sloany, so you can do the same.” Sloany offered his hand and Simon shook it. Sloany made a good first impression and had a warm Birmingham accent. Tuk wai’d to the new customer and went back to the bar.
“My name is Simon. Nice to meet you.”
“You just arrived in Pattaya?” It was a question, but Sloany had announced it more as a fact. Simon nodded the confirmation.
“About an hour ago.”
“Thought so. I can always tell,” laughed Sloany. The volume of the laugh slightly shocked Simon at first.
Sloany leaned in close to Simon and whispered in a conspiratorial way.
“Watch out for the lady boys. You don’t want any surprises when you take the knickers off.”
“Okay,” said Simon, not really knowing what else to say.
“Don’t get me wrong - there is nothing wrong with lady boys. I’ve fucked loads of them. But there is nothing worse than a surprise in the knickers department, if that is not what you were shopping for. Watch out for them - that’s all I’m saying!” Sloany gave him a heavy pat on the back and rattled off a machine gun laugh.
“Okay,” said Simon, again not really knowing what else to say.
“So, what are you going to do on your first day in the ‘Land of Smiles’?”
“I haven’t really thought about it.”
“Well, a nice looking bloke like you isn’t going to be lonely. Know what I mean?”
Simon shrugged.
“If I was you I’d go and get a two girl massage and then go down to Soi 6 and go in one of the ‘Blow job’ bars. Have a beer and get a girl and a lady boy to give you a blow job while you sit and relax.”
“I’m not bothered about lady boys, thanks.”
“Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it mate. When in Thailand do as the Romans do.”
“What!”
“You know what I mean.”
“Yes, I guess. Cheers.” Simon slugged from his cold beer and it tasted good.
“I think I’ll just have a wander around. I’m not really into lady boys!” Simon reiterated, to clear up any doubt as to his sexuality.
“Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it!” repeated Sloany, confirming his own bisexual tendencies. Sloany fired out another overly loud laugh. He sat with Simon and told him fantastic and unbelievable stories about Thailand, until Simon paid his bill and left. They shook hands and thanked each other and Simon couldn’t make his mind up if he liked Sloany or not. He certainly got the impression that he should take whatever Sloany said with a pinch of salt. Sloany didn’t even consider if he liked Simon or not. To Sloany Simon was just another two week holiday maker to Pattaya. But if he had made a good impression and Simon came back to his bar as a result, then he would be happy and consider that he had done a good job.
The domino players, Terry, Norris, John and ‘Old’ Tony didn’t notice Simon leaving the bar. They were laughing and joking, drinking and smoking. They dished out the banter and they soaked up the banter. They were, in their own way, a band of brothers. They were ex-pats living in Thailand and bonded together in the same belief. Time after time and day after day someone would raise their glass and toast to “living the dream.”
The glasses and bottles would clink together over the dominos.
“Living the dream,” they would all chorus and, as far as they were concerned, they were!
“Did you have anyone needing you to talk to dead people last night Tony?” Terry pushed his glasses further up along the bridge of his nose while he waited for a response from Old Tony.
“Actually, I had two customers last night. The first one was a girl who had won some money on the lottery and she wanted to know if her dead father thought that she should share it with her sister.”
“What did the dead father say?”
“Well, he said that she should give some to her sister, but not tell her sister how much she had actually won.”
“And was the lady happy with that?”
“She was delighted. She felt good about herself and she got to keep most of the money.”
“Her dead dad is a clever man!”
“Yes, he seemed very wise.”
“And who was the second customer?”
“Another girl, who had started feeding a stray dog. The dog really needed to be treated by a vet, because it had a bad limp and a scabby coat. The girl didn’t want to spend the money on a vet, but she felt sorry for the dog and fed it each day. A few days ago the dog got run over by a car and died. The girl has had a dream about the dog. She wanted me to talk to the dog to find out if the dog is angry with her for not taking it to the vet.”
“And did you manage to speak to the dog?”
“Of course! The dog just wanted to say thank you to the girl for feeding him. He thinks she has a good heart and he is going to send her some good luck.”
“I’m guessing the girl was happy with that too?”
“She was delighted. She felt good about herself and she is coming into some good luck.”
“What a crock of shit!” said Sloany and everybody laughed.
Chapter 4: There is a Rhythm to the City
It was early evening when the domino game wound down to a stop. The bar girls were going past Sloan Square Bar on motorbike taxis - some still applying the last touches to their make up as they perched side saddle on the back of the speeding bikes. Others talked on mobile phones. Some went past with three or four on a bike, but all looked sexy and beautiful. All were heading to their respective bars for another night’s business - the business of love and romance for cash. For the punters who didn’t want love and romance, they could just have sex….the price was the same! There was a rhythm to the days in Pattaya that never changed. The mornings would see the street vendors setting up and cooking food. The bar girls heading back to their rooms after a night’s business would stop and buy breakfast, still dressed in their sexy little skirts and tops from the night before. They would sit alongside Thai market traders and the occasional Monk, grabbing a bite before they got on with their own daily routines. Mixed in amongst them would be ex-pats having a bowl of rice soup and a coffee, for less than half the price that they could buy a daily newspaper back in their home countries. And of course, there would be the holiday makers and tourists, who would walk slowly past, take the occasional photograph and not really know what they made of the scene before them.
By mid-morning the food sellers would disappear as quickly as they had appeared and be replaced by hawkers, who would walk the streets for the rest of the day selling sunglasses, cigarettes, lighters, Viagra, condoms, chewing gum, trinkets, toys, wallets and, for some strange reason…., hammocks! The massage shops would also be opening up at this time. Pretty women of all ages would sit in front of the shops calling out ‘Hello, massage?’ to every farang (Foreigner) who walked past. Older ladies and shop owners would be mopping and sweeping the business fronts of bars, shops and massage parlours. Incense would be being lit and prayers, bottles of red Fanta, and bowls of rice would be offered to Buddha and ancestors in exchange for a good day’s business.
By midday the ex-pats would be settled in their chosen bars after having had cooked European breakfast - with or without a bottle of beer. The streets would be busy with tourists and holiday makers and the taxis that bring and take them to and from Bangkok. By la
te afternoon the food sellers would be back filling the air with delicious smells of barbequed food. Early evening would see the bar girls coming out for another nights work and the drunken ex-pats heading home to get some sleep. Later at night the city would be in full swing - alive with the sound of music beating out from every bar. Bright lights and beautiful girls……and boys doing anything they could to entice customers into their bars. Lines of Chinese tourists following someone carrying a flag, smiling, nodding and taking photos to show all their friends back in China what a great time they had, even though they never actually went in a single bar!
Walking Street would be crammed full of tourists and sightseers. The hard core sex tourists would be packed into Soi Six. Each and every Soi looked and felt the same to the holiday maker, but, to the ex-pats and locals, each had its own distinct atmosphere and character.
Terry headed home after another day of dominos. He was walking home. He did own a motorbike but, because he lived in the city, he didn’t really need it. He usually had it rented out to one of the holiday makers who would be staying in his Soi. It was a couple of thousand baht a month and every baht mattered to Terry. He was too drunk to remember if he had won more games than he had lost, but it didn’t really matter. It had been another day in paradise and he was happy. He stopped at one of the stainless steel food carts that lined the road and bought some noodle soup. The woman put it in a plastic bag tied with a red elastic band so he could take it home to eat. Terry was one of her regular customers, so she didn’t bother putting in the little bags of sugar and chili powder, because she knew he didn’t like it spicy. Terry walked the short distance to his room. Actually it was more than just one room. His ‘room’ was two bedrooms, a bathroom and a sitting room/kitchen. He had been extremely lucky when he first arrived three years ago and had managed to rent for the exceptionally cheap price of five thousand baht a month. In the last three years his landlady had never bothered to put the price up. She owned most of the buildings in the small Soi, which formed a cul-de-sac just off Soi Buakaow. The Soi consisted of a massage shop, a small bar, a Seven Eleven shop and rooms to rent on a daily, weekly or monthly basis. Terry had really landed on his feet. He rented out his spare bedroom to three bar girls who, between them, paid him six thousand baht a month. So Terry was actually living for free. He had also bought a second hand washing machine fitted with a coin meter, which he installed in the kitchen. The girls used it on a daily basis and he made a few hundred baht out of that as well. The bonus for Terry was that he had had sex with every single bar girl who had ever rented the room off him and they seemed to change every few months. It was sort of part of the condition of renting the room - an act of goodwill if you like and nobody seemed to mind. The only rule was that the girls were not allowed to bring customers back to the room. Nobody ever did.