Color of Forgiveness

by Madeleine Beckett

“No. Hey, before I forget, Grampie’s estate got settled, and I want to give you some money for the boy’s college funds.”

  “What? Myra, that is your inheritance. You don’t even have a job right now. You need that money to live on and—”

  “No, I don’t. You know I never touched the insurance money from when dad died so I have plenty of money to live off of.”

  “But you need it for insurance and what if you get the C word? Remember how freaked out you were over that and how you were worried that you wouldn’t have any money—”

  “Well, I’m over that now. I was just having a moment back then. I’m on Cobra and everything is going great. I want to do this for you.”

  “But—”

  “No buts. You know how much I love your boys. I want them to be able to go to any college they want. I’ll get with you later on about the account numbers and such to do the transfer.”

  “Myra, I don’t even know what to say. You have stripped me of my words. I’ll make sure when my boys go to Harvard Law and Yale – because they take after me and are just that dang smart – that they know you were the one that made it possible for them to pursue their dreams.”

  “No, don’t tell them.”

  “Hell to the yeah, I’m going to tell them. That’s my one stipulation. You have to let me tell them but of course not until they’re older. Way older like the day they leave for college.”

  “Well, we’ll see.”

  “Thank you, honey. Thank you so so so much. I love you dearly.”

  “I love you too.”

  “I have to tell you about this dream I had last night.”

  “Oh boy...”

  “Yeah, it was crazy… and raunchy. And it was about Desmond of course. We were on this crowded subway and suddenly he was naked. And then somehow my clothes vanished and I was naked too, but thankfully no one started screaming or tried to throw themselves from the train. That’s how I knew it was a dream. Anyway, everyone was staring at us, but it didn’t bother me one bit. I looked up and Desmond’s eyes turned black, and he had blood dripping from his lips. I should’ve been scared or grossed out, but I just kind of wanted to lick it.”

  Myra raises a hand to cover her mouth, stifling another gag.

  “Then the next thing I knew I was on top of the Empire State Building still naked, with a ton of people still staring at me, and Desmond started stalking towards me, and he looked like he wanted to eat me. Then out of nowhere, King Kong suddenly appeared and grabbed Desi away from me. Then all of a sudden I felt good. Like really good… I woke up and realized that it was Jeff perving on me in my sleep. At first I was really pissed and wanted to beat him upside his head for waking me up out of my sexy Desi dream, but because of our talk the other day, I jumped his bones instead. Aren’t you proud of me?”

  Myra chuckles and shakes her head. “Maybe...? I’m not really sure because you kind of scared me with that dream.”

  Susie laughs. “It was scary. So are you two still going to meet the family today?”

  “Yeah, but…”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I don’t know. I woke up this morning not feeling so good, but I can’t cancel on him. This is like a huge thing for him to want me to meet his family. But I don’t want to get Natalie sick or anything.”

  “What kind of sick… sore throat or the scoots?”

  “The scoots?”

  “Yeah… You know, when you have to scoot to the toilet every few seconds to shit your ass off.”

  Myra giggles. “The things you come up with… No, I don’t have the scoots, but my stomach is really queasy. I think I might be getting a stomach bug or something or maybe it was something I ate last night. I just tried to brush my teeth and gagged.”

  Myra frowns when the phone goes quiet. “Are you there?” she asks, thinking they got disconnected.

  “Oh my sweet baby Jesus on a can of tuna, I totally remember gagging on toothpaste too. You’re pregnant, Myra, you’re pregnant, pregnant, pregnant…! I knew all of that sexing with that Greek god was going to knock you up. I’m going to be an auntie! It’s a girl; I just know it. I’m tapping into my psychic abilities right now, and I can feel it. I’m finally going to get to spoil a girl! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god…!”

  For a moment, Myra feels like she can’t breathe. “Susie, I’m not pregnant!”

  “You have to go take a pregnancy test right now. Go to the store. I’ll stay on the line with you the whole time,” Susie squeals. Myra can hear her clapping in the background.

  “I can’t. Dylan’s here and he won’t let me go anywhere without him because of the stalker thing. Besides, I don’t need a pregnancy test because I’m not pregnant!”

  “Shit. I forgot about Dylan the Guardian. Okay, I’ll FedEx you one. Let’s see… this is Saturday so you should get it by Monday. And that way you can sneak it into the bathroom while he’s not looking, and we can take it together.”

  “I don’t need a pregnancy test.” Myra takes in a deep breath and blows it out. “Now seriously, what should I do about this weekend? Should I still go with him? What if it’s the flu? I can’t get Natalie sick in her condition.”

  “Are you running a fever?”

  Myra frowns and feels her forehead; it’s not overly warm or clammy. “No.”

  “Do you have body aches?”

  “No.”

  “Have you been tired?”

  “Yeah, I fell asleep on the couch last night.”

  “Are your tits sore?”

  “What?”

  “Give your tits a little squeeze and see if they’re sore.”

  “Oh my god,” she groans. “I can’t believe I’m doing this,” she mumbles as she squeezes her breast. She’s stunned to find that they are in fact tender.

  “A little…”

  “You are so preggers! Look, I gotta run so I can go get the pregnancy test and get it shipped off to you ASAP. I’m so excited I’m about to bust. Can you imagine what your babies are going to look like? They’re going to be so beautiful you’ll have to enter them into those ‘most beautiful baby’ contests. They’ll be little miniature scruffy Greek goddesses. And I’m going to have to stop by the baby store while I’m out. I haven’t been to a baby store in like forever. I’ll call you later, okay?”

  Numbly, Myra hangs up the phone and stares at it, deciding that Susie has officially lost her mind because there’s no way she could be pregnant. What would Dylan…? She can’t even complete that thought before a horrible fear comes over her and a lump forms in her throat. But before she can do anything, her stomach lurches and she jumps off of the bed and runs to dry heave into the toilet again.

  CHAPTER 9

  BRONZE, ACCEPTANCE

  Myra looks up when she hears the loud sound of Dylan’s work boots hitting the hard wood floor as he gets closer and closer to her bedroom. Closing her eyes, she inhales deeply through her nose and blows the air out slowly through her mouth, trying to slow her rapid heartbeat and calm her frazzled nerves. As another wave of nausea hits her, she swallows hard and prays that she can hold it together in front of Dylan and not run to the toilet gagging. She knows she can’t be pregnant, but even so, she can’t let him suspect anything. Not until she knows for certain what’s going on herself.

  Her heart twists painfully in her chest when she thinks of Dylan. She loves him so much, more than anything. She hadn’t admitted it to herself yet, but she knows deep in her heart that she would have given up her dreams of marriage and children for him. She would have willingly sacrificed all those things to be with him because of how much she loves him.

  The thought of hurting him when he’s been through so much already is almost unbearable to her. If he were to find out she was pregnant, she knows it would crush him. She can’t even imagine how he’d react. He’d never accept it. He’d somehow blame her and probably leave. And all of the progress that he’s made – talking to her about Mel and going to seeing the therapist – would be for nothing. />
  She quickly tries to recall when her last period was. She spotted a little bit on the day she flew out to Philly to be with Susie. It definitely wasn’t a ‘normal’ period, but she chalked it up to all the stress she was under at the time.

  She tries to think back on her birth control pills. She knows for a fact that she hasn’t missed any of them this month. She’s been incredibly diligent about taking them every day after the conversation she had with Dylan, but what about last month? She frowns when she can’t remember any of it and her mind goes completely blank.

  She looks up when Dylan pokes his head inside her room, a big goofy grin on his face. “Knock. Knock.”

  She puts her worries aside for a moment and gives him a small smile back. “Who’s there?”

  He frowns. “Shit. I don’t know any damn knock knock jokes,” he grumbles, causing Myra to laugh.

  Reaching over to her bedside table, she grabs a hair scrunchie to put her hair up in a ponytail. As she runs her fingers through it, gathering it together in the back, she freezes and gasps loudly.

  Dylan frowns as he sits down on the bed next to her. “What? What’s wrong?”

  Terror creeps up her spine. She can feel the color draining from her face, and she can barely breathe.

  Dylan grabs her thigh, squeezing it. “Myra. What is it? You’re starting to scare the fuck out of me.”

  Her fingertips linger on the scar on the back of her head for a moment before she slowly drops her arms. Memories of falling on the ice and Dylan rushing her to the emergency room flood her mind. She’d had a concussion and had been a little out of it. She didn’t think anything of it at the time… when she missed a few pills. She took them a few days later as soon as she realized she’d skipped them. By the time she slept with Dylan that first time, she was back to regularly taking them. But somehow… maybe… could it be? Fear clutches at her heart.

  “Please tell me what’s wrong,” Dylan pleads in a soft voice as he gently turns her face towards him. “Did you see the ghost again? You’re as white as a fucking sheet right now.”

  Myra slowly shakes her head. Not knowing what else to do or say, she simply wraps her arms around Dylan and buries her face in his neck. He hugs her close to his chest and holds her quietly, not saying a word, just simply rubbing her back gently. She’s so thankful for his ability to somehow sense exactly what she needs. They stay that way for several minutes, giving her some much needed time to get herself together. She presses her lips against his neck before pulling back slightly.

  “Thank you,” she whispers as she touches his jaw. “I’m okay. I just…” She frowns, trying desperately to come up with something to say other than the real issue at hand. She clears her throat. “Did I tell you that Jackie is selling the bookstore?” she blurts out, feeling ridiculous for coming up with something so stupid.

  “No.”

  “Oh. I guess I forgot to tell you. Some anonymous person offered her double what the place is worth. She’s going to sell it and move back to Boise. I was just upset thinking about it because she’s my only neighbor so it’s going to be kind of lonely not having her around.”

  A worried crease forms in Dylan’s forehead. “Why would someone offer her double what the place is worth? And do it anonymously? This is Nyssa. Jackie probably barely gets enough business to pay her utilities. That just doesn’t make any damn sense.”

  “I don’t know. There are some weird people out there. I thought she should go for it because those kinds of offers don’t come along very often.”

  Dylan picks up her hand, entwining her fingers with his. “You gonna tell me the real reason you were upset earlier?”

  “Maybe later…?”

  “Are you upset about going to Boise with me? We can stay here if you want. I don’t give a shit. I’m not scaring you off by taking you to see my family, am I?”

  “Of course not, I want to go with you. You have no idea what it means to me that you asked me. I can’t wait to meet the rest of your family.”

  Dylan gives her a half-smile. “I didn’t do any dumb shit to upset you, did I? Because I know I’m prone to lots of assholish behaviors,” he says, rubbing his thumb gently against her fingers.

  “No, you’ve been absolutely perfect. You’ve done nothing wrong, at all. I’m fine, I promise.”

  Dylan raises a skeptical eyebrow at her. “All right,” he says in a not-so-convincing voice. “You know you can tell me anything, right? I know I’m not a sensitive guy and shit like that, but I can try to be.”

  Myra nods and squeezes his hand.

  “Are you packed yet? Where’s your bag?” he asks as he looks around her bedroom.

  “Oh. Susie called me earlier before I had a chance to,” she says as she stands. “Just give me a few minutes to throw some things together.” At some point, she needs to sneak downstairs and search through her pantry while Dylan’s not looking and find some Saltines to help quell her queasy stomach.

  * * *

  Dylan opens the door to his truck for Myra and an idea hits him. “Hang on a sec,” he mumbles. Tossing their bags into the backseat, he removes the papers he has piled on his center console and pushes the console to an upright position so Myra can sit in the middle close to him. Immediately, the sound of pocket change, tools, and various other shit he has stored in the console goes crashing to the bottom of it. “Fuck,” he groans in frustration before he steps back.

  “Uh oh,” Myra says. “That did not sound good.”

  “Oh well,” he says with a shrug. “It was a shitty mess to begin with. I want you sitting close to me, and don’t you dare give me hell over it.”

  She laughs lightly. “So you like to cuddle in your truck too?”

  He holds his hand out and helps her into the truck. “You’re damn right,” he teases before he pinches her lightly on the ass, causing her to let out a cute little squeak.

  Dylan’s trying to keep things light and playful because he knows something’s bothering her. As he backs out of her driveway, he can’t help but worry. The look on her face when she was in her bedroom scared the hell out of him. He doesn’t know why she won’t tell him what’s going on. He’s actually a little pissed about it. He wants her to be comfortable enough to talk to him about any shit that might be bothering her, which is pretty fucking hilarious considering the fact that he’s the worst damn communicator in the world. But he knows that was a huge issue with him and Sabrina, and he doesn’t want to repeat that with Myra. So he’s trying.

  He smiles as he glances down at her. He scoots a little closer, slipping his hand inside her thigh and giving it a little squeeze. She smiles back up at him and tucks her arm under his, entwining their fingers together and keeping their hands in her lap. She snuggles up next to him and leans her head against his shoulder. It feels so damn good having her so close to him. It just feels right and comfortable. He feels content and actually… happy. He frowns as he thinks about that. He’s not felt anything even close to happiness in years because he always felt guilty.

  A pang hits him hard in the chest when Mel’s little face flashes in his mind’s eye. He swallows hard. He doesn’t know how to not feel guilty. Feeling guilty is all he’s known for the last three years. He’s carried the guilt of not being able to save his son, the guilt for letting his marriage fall apart and even the guilt for still being alive. He hopes like hell that this therapist can somehow help him make all this guilt and anger go away for good. He doesn’t want to feel this way when he’s with Myra. She deserves better from him.

  “Do you miss living in Boise?” she asks.

  “Yeah, sometimes… I don’t really miss the town because I don’t mind living in Nyssa, but I do miss being close to my family.”

  He can feel Myra nod her head against his shoulder.

  “What about you?” he asks. “You lived in Philly. Do you miss it?”

  “Sometimes…” Myra sits up a little bit more, but still stays snuggled close to him. “Of course I miss Susie the most
, but I loved living in Philly. There was so much to do in the city. I loved the hustle and bustle and the frantic chaotic pace of city living. When I first moved back here, I hated it so much that I almost hopped on the first flight back.”

  Dylan chuckles.

  “But you know what? Moving here was the best thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. Because if I hadn’t,” she says softly, “I would have never met you.”

  He glances down at her with her cheeks rosy and her eyes sparkling, and her beauty completely takes his breath away.

  “Moving to Nyssa was the best goddamn decision of my life,” he says. Her eyes shine as a beautiful smile lights up her face. She grasps his bicep with her other hand and pulls him closer to her as she rests her head back against his shoulder again. A happy smirk touches his lips as his eyes focus back on the road ahead of him.

  * * *

  “Are we there yet?” Myra asks with a giggle before Dylan playfully pokes her in the ribs. “Don’t! I’m just teasing!” she squeals as she jerks away from him.

  Dylan stretches with a groan and then drapes his arm around her shoulders, pulling her against him. “We’re about five minutes away,” he says as he flips on his turn signal. “I gotta warn you, though. I got a text from Natalie this morning, and she said that mom and dad were already at her house. And my mom…” He shakes his head. “She just goes way overboard. You know what she’s capable of since you witnessed that little stunt she pulled at the airport. I’m still pissed at her over that.”

  “Don’t be mad at her. I loved it. I thought it was adorable.”

  “Yeah… adorably fucking annoying.”

  Myra giggles. “It was cute to see you get all embarrassed like you did.”

  “I’m not cute,” he growls with a mean scowl on his face causing Myra to burst out laughing.

  “Okay. You’re not cute, you’re more like…” She taps a finger against her chin as she stares at him, her brow furrowing in concentration. She wants to shout out, “The most incredibly gorgeous, insanely attractive man I’ve ever laid eyes on,” but decides against it. Instead, she settles with mumbling, “You’re very handsome.”