by J. L. Beck
It was one simple text, explaining nothing. I turned around to find him, but he was already gone. Was he not staying to receive his diploma? As they called Caroline’s row, and then the next, the minutes ticked by and eventually, I texted him back asking him where he was.
A minute later, I got a message back.
Devon: Busy.
My heart rate was skyrocketing as anxiety filled my belly. Devon had a less than stellar track record. He was what many would call the trouble maker. He had plans to make a better life for himself, but I wasn’t sure where that would take him. He had family problems, and I was worried it would lead him down a dark road someday.
As the choir sang, and the announcement of whose graduation party was after graduation, the anxiety just ate at me.
“What’s the matter with you?” Caroline asked, concerned etched into her face. She had worry wrinkles on her forehead and that made me smile.
“Oh, nothing, I just….” Could I tell her why the man I loved was missing his own graduation? That because he was dealing with family issues, he had to sacrifice his own happiness for everything?
“What?” she asked, confused by my mid-stopping sentence.
“I’m just excited,” I half-lied. As I waited for the ceremony to finish, my mind tumbled around. We threw our hats, and though it was official I had graduated high school, I felt something deep within my chest. Dread.
“We did it. We fucking did it. We beat the odds,” Caroline, squealed her arms wrapping tightly around me. I hugged her back, squeezing as hard as I could.
“We did,” I said back, looking for him again.
“Where are you going?” Caroline asked, my body moving of its own accord.
“Devon,” was all I said. I would text her and let her know I would be at the party later, but right now, I needed answers.
Parents, fellow students, and teachers moved to the stage or the front of the school, leaving the football field vacant. Off in the distance, I saw him. His lean body was casually leaning against one of the bleachers as he stood underneath it. His faded blue jeans were worn and rugged-looking and his navy blue shirt defined every muscle in his chest. He wasn’t overly large, but perfect. His cap and gown were in his hand, hanging off his shoulder casually.
“Tegan…” The way my name sounded coming from his mouth caused my knees to grow weak. I ran the rest of the distance between us. His arms welcomed me in a warm hug as my body settled into his chest. Home. That’s what this was.
“You missed your own graduation,” I stated the obvious, curiously hoping he gave me some type of answer. My tone was flirty, but as I looked up at him, I could tell he was angry. His jaw was clenched tight and a crease formed on his forehead. Okay, he was more than angry. He was pissed.
“Yeah. Family obligations. I didn’t even get to sit in my chair for all of five seconds before I had to sneak out the back.”
“Hey, it’s okay. There will be more graduations and accomplishments in your life.” I was trying to sound upbeat when, in reality, I wanted to curse the hell out of his parents for being so selfish.
“Of course, there will be,” he said tensely. His voice was void of all emotion and as I pulled away, I felt a coldness descend over me. The look in his eyes told me he was sorry, but he hadn’t done anything wrong.
“Is everything okay?” I couldn’t hide the fearfulness in my voice, and though words hadn’t even been said, I felt my heart breaking, every beat a constant ache.
“You know I love you, Tegan?” He was questioning me? One of his hands reached out, pushing a lock of hair behind my ear. His eyes scanned my own face as I nodded my head to answer his question.
“Then you know most good things in life come to an end…”
To an end? What was he trying to say?
“Most good things don’t come to an end…” I repeated the same words back to him confusion lacing my words. I was forcing myself to stay in place even though I wanted to run.
“I want this to work, Tegan. I want to be that man for you, but right now, it’s just not in the cards. I can’t be any more than what I am right now.”
My breath stopped and my heart fluttered.
“Are you… Are you breaking up with me?” It sounded so cliché. My heart ached and his words, even when hurtful, soothed me.
His hands worked through his sandy colored hair, and his eyes turned dark. The soft light that always made him seem lively left him.
“I’m saying you deserve better, you need more than just me. If I have to push you away for you to realize it, then I will.”
I wanted to laugh, but instead, I threw my hands up in the air, staring at the sky. Clouds were rolling in. They were heavy with rain. For some reason, it resembled the way I was feeling right at that moment.
“You don’t get to make that choice for me, Devon. I get to make that choice, and I say I love you and I want to be with you.” I was pleading, and the fact that I was scared me to the core.
“Do you hear yourself…” He laughed, but it wasn’t a humorous one.
“You’re eighteen, Tegan. You don’t know what love is, and some boy with more problems than he has things going for him isn’t going to hold you back from all of this. I love you, but I’m not stupid. This is me letting you go. So fight it all you want, curse me, hate me, hit me even, but know my intentions for you are only ever good and leaving you is the hardest decision I have ever had to make.”
I took a step away from him, his words stinging my every pore. What had happened to the man I loved? What had happened to us that caused such chaos to ensue? I loved him and I knew it.
“You don’t mean that…” I stuttered praying he didn’t understand what he had said. He had to know this wasn’t going to happen. I wouldn’t let it.
His eyes turned dark, and with a clenched jaw, he growled, “I do mean it. I already have someone else. Being with you was great, but let’s face it… it wasn’t ever going to work out.”
His words kept hitting me, slashing at my heart until it bled. I fell to my knees before him, and as I looked up at him, I saw someone I had never seen before. Someone who I didn’t love, someone who didn’t love me either.
“We can…” I was grasping at straws as I felt the tears leak from my eyes and streak down my face.
“We can’t. There is no me and you any longer, no ‘us.’ So, just leave. Leave me. Leave us. Get out of this run down town and do something with your life that doesn’t involve me...and, Teg? Don’t come back. There isn’t anything here for you anymore.” His words were final, and as he stared at me for a moment longer, I felt myself slipping further. There were no words to describe the sadness seeping into me.
In a moment’s time, my world had been flipped on its axis. Devon Mitchell had ripped my heart out and stomped on it. The only memory I would have that what we had was real would be in my mind.
Between tears, I watched him walked away. His steps were determined. Somewhere deep inside of me, I knew this wasn’t what he wanted. Somewhere, I knew he was trying to be the better person, but really, I didn’t want nor did I need him to be the better person. He doing this just proved what my mother had to say was right. All men would weasel their way in and then break you, leaving you with nothing but the absence of them and a broken heart.
Devon had done both. Except him leaving me there left a gaping hole in my chest. Nothing would fill the wound of lost love.
Chapter Two
Tegan
Six Months Ago
“FUCK!” I could hear Jamie’s voice echoing down the hall. What was the problem? I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and slipped out of the bed. Didn’t he know I had classes in the morning?
As I walked from the bedroom and down the hall, I could hear the slamming of objects and grunts of anger.
“What is wrong with—”I couldn’t finish my sentence as the scene before me stole all the air from my lungs. The couch was destroyed, personal items thrown around, and it looked as if a twister ha
d barreled through the place.
“Go back to bed, Tegan,” was all he said, his eyes skimming over my face. Didn’t he care? What had gotten into him?
“Back to bed?” I muttered the words in shock. What did he mean go back to bed? I had to clean this up.
“Yeah, walk your pretty ass back to the bedroom and pretend this never happened.” His voice was gruff as he held his head in his hands. Instead of listening to him, I continued to stand there staring at the disheveled mess, an array of emotions running through me.
“I can’t pretend this never happened. What the hell is going on with you, Jamie? You know I have classes in the morning.” Confusion coursed through me as I started picking up random objects that had been caught in the crossfire of his rage. He had never been like this before. He had never destroyed anything.
“Tegan…” He let out a harsh laugh as he said my name. “I fucked up… and when I say I fucked up, I mean it’s really bad.”
I held a hand to my head, a dull ache forming behind my eyes. What was he talking about?
“What do you mean you fucked up? Everything is fine, Jamie. Things get broken, and sometimes we act out on our rage, but it’s not that big of a deal…”
Silence passed as I continued to pick up numerous trinkets, placing the dining room chairs back up into a normal position, and moving things around until it looked somewhat normal again.
“The fact you think me fucking up has anything to do with what I did in here is cute. You’re naïve, Tegan. So damn naïve that it’s almost cute…”
“What are you talking about?” I snapped, having had enough of the confusion circling around my head.
Standing, he crossed the room until he was mere millimeters away from me. His body towered over mine. I should’ve been scared, but I wasn’t. Instead, I was determined. His dark green eyes bled into mine, and in them, I saw the vulnerability of whatever he was going to tell me.
“I love you, Tegan…” The words were a mere whisper in the wind as if they were something I could play in my mind over and over again. A fist-sized ache formed in my chest. I had felt this same type of pain once before in my life.
Devon.
That one word had the power to bring me to my knees, to crush my spirit, and to take me back to that very moment in time when my whole life was ripped from me.
“Tegan…” I could hear Jamie calling my name, but I didn’t want to listen. I didn’t want to hear whatever it was he had to say.
“I fucked up really bad. I mean really bad. I had to go to Tony to borrow some money, but it just got me deeper into the hole.”
His confession pulled me from my depressive state. “What do you mean you had to borrow money from Tony?” Tony was a friend of both of ours. He had money, his parent’s owned the local diner, and occasionally, we stepped in to talk to him.
Jamie’s eyes refused to meet my own, so I reached out to cup his cheeks, forcing him to look at me. Remorse showed over all other emotions, and I wondered why he felt the way he did.
“I have a gambling problem.” His words rang in my ears.
“Okay—okay, that’s fine.” I stumbled over my words. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but it wasn’t that.
Suddenly, he was shaking his head and my hands were falling from his cheeks. His hands reached out landing heavily on my shoulders.
“It’s not fine. I owe a lot of money to a lot of people. So much so, that it’s now put you in danger. They’re going to come for me, Tegan. They’re going to come for you, too.” The fear could be heard in his voice, and I wondered how much money we were talking about.
“How much money, Jamie? And who are these guys?” Taking a step back, he ran a hand through his dark hair.
“A lot of money and these men I can’t even tell you who they are. All I can say is if someone comes here looking for me, you tell them you don’t know me. You lie through your teeth and you lie good.” His words were final.
Without thinking about it, I asked, “Why?”
In a second, he was in front of me again, his hands wrapped tightly around my arms. His fingers were biting into my flesh, but all I could focus on was his face and his words.
“They will kill you if they find out you were with me. They will do anything they can to get their money back… Do you understand me? They will kill you. They will use you and then kill you. If it’s the last thing you do, you listen to me. Please, I’m begging you.” His voice was pleading, and he looked as if he was on the verge of tears. Yet, through all of this, all I could feel was the absence. The fact that yet again, I would be left alone.
“I won’t say anything, and I won’t risk my life for you,” I said coldly. My heart was filling with anger once again, and for the second time in my life, it was growing colder.
“Good, because I’m not worth it. Now I’m going to leave, Tegan. I’m going to run as far away as I can. If you come looking for me, they will find you, they will know. So lie, hide, and keep yourself out of the public eye.”
A kiss was placed against my forehead as he picked up a bag that had been lying in the corner. I hadn’t noticed it. I hadn’t noticed anything really. I should’ve seen it coming. The signs were there. I just ignored them.
As he headed for the door, feelings overwhelmed me. I should’ve been screaming at him. Telling him what a prick he was for using me, for taking everything I gave him and then leaving. Instead, I stood there watching him as he walked away, my heart shattering for the second time in its short life.
A tear escaped my eye, trailing down my cheek. How had I gotten to this point yet again?
Fool me once. Shame on you. Fool me twice. Shame on me. Fool me three times… There wouldn’t be a third time.
* * *
The days passed in a flurry, and as the summer turned to winter, the gaping hole in my chest became bigger. Every passing day was a reminder of what had failed to work in my life.
I had just sat down to devour a pizza from Domino’s when the doorbell rang. What the hell? Jamie’s reminder echoed in the back of my mind, but why should I care? He wasn’t here now.
Groaning, I got up from the couch and trekked over to the front door standing on my tiptoes to look out the peephole. On the other side of the door were two men, both wearing dark suits, their eyes boring into the wooden door.
“We know you’re in there, Tegan. Now open the door or we’ll take it down. Your choice,” one of the men said. A smile showed on his face, and my breath caught in my chest as I took a step back. Would they really kick down the door? How much trouble was Jamie really in?
“One…” I could hear the man on the other side of the door say…
“Two…” He was counting… Why was he counting?
“Three….” In an instant, I shuffled away from the door as it flew open. Wood splintered and cracked as they pushed it all the way open. My heart was beating out of my chest as fear rooted me to the floor. Why wasn’t I running?
As the two men entered my apartment, their eyes scanned the room. They’re just looking for Jamie. They’re just going to ask you some questions and then leave. You’re going to be okay, Tegan.
“You should’ve just opened the door, sweetheart.” He bent down, looking me over. His dark blue eyes were beautiful against his dark skin, and when he smiled, it sent a shiver down my spine.
“I would have...” I stuttered. I knew better than to talk out at these people. It wasn’t as if Jamie’s warnings went unnoticed. I knew because my mind said do whatever you can to survive.
“Don’t lie. You know why we’re here. You know that if we don’t find him, you will be his repayment,” the man with the blue eyes said. One of his large hands came into my view as he wrapped a lock of my hair around one of his fingers.
“You’re beautiful,” he whispered to himself. I wanted to swat his hand away, feeling as if I were being felt and looked at as if I were a prized piece of beef.
“I don’t know where he is. He left, he ran.” The words
I said were true, and the other man looked down at me as if he didn’t believe me.
“You know if you’re found lying, we will kill you,” Blue-eyes said. His voice was soft, so soft that for a moment, I wondered what it would be like to get lost in it.
“You’ll end up killing me anyway,” I said matching his soft tone.
Blue-eyes gestured to the other guy to do something, and I watched as he walked away leaving me alone with this man.
“Jamie owes the casino a lot of money, love. A hundred-thousand dollars. We’re sent to get the money, and if we don’t come back with something, then we’re to take whatever and whomever we have to in order to get it.”
He wasn’t trying to warn me or make it easier for me. He was simply letting me know what would happen if I couldn’t get the money for him.
“This is Jamie’s debt, though. Not mine. I haven’t even been to the casino since it was built. You have to believe me when I tell you I haven’t done anything wrong here.” I was pleading with someone who held my life in his hands.
Moments of silence passed and my eyes started to glass over. Why was I fighting my death? Why wasn’t I letting him take me in?
“Because you’re beautiful, and I don’t want to see you die, I will give you six months. That’s it. Find a way to get the money. Sell whatever you can, get a job, do something…”
“Six months?” I said in disbelief. I had six months to make a hundred grand? It wasn’t going to happen.
“Yes, love. Six months. That’s it.” His word was final.
“Most people in this town don’t even make that a year. How the hell am I supposed to do that?” The question was more directed at me. Blue-eyes reached his hand out and gripped me by the chin.
“Six months, Red. Six months is all I’m giving you. If, in six months, you don’t have the money, then your death is how repayment will be settled.”
His eyes were cold, and his hand had a death grip on my chin. Clenching my teeth together, I nodded. I wasn’t going to say another word. I was just going to do whatever I could to make the payments and then leave this town forever. Either in a casket or walking.