by J. L. Beck
“That should be easy then. Caroline is having her birthday party there this weekend. We could just show up, act all nonchalant. I can socialize while you do the investigating.” It was the perfect plan.
He smiled and it was breathtaking. My core clenched, and for a brief second in time, I thought my ovaries would burst into a million tiny little pieces. He was sunshine and whiskey, warm and supporting, strong and heart-shattering... and I would make him see he was just as much mine as I was his.
“Perfect. When is the party and what time? We need to plan accordingly.” He was back to what I would assume is his FBI demeanor. Cold, calculating, and straight to the point.
“I know it’s on Saturday, but I need to talk to Caroline again to confirm the time.” I would have to use his phone again to call and ask her.
“Ask him.” Devon interrupted my thoughts. What was he talking about?
“Ask who?” I questioned.
“Tony. Ask him when it is.” Devon’s eyes peered into mine as fear slithered down my back. Why was he looking at me like that?
“Devon, I don’t—”
“Ask him, Tegan. This isn’t a game. Lives are on the line. I’m on my own on this and I need the upper hand. Without it, a lot of people could lose their lives. Yours included. I would never forgive myself if something happened to you because we weren’t prepared. So do it,” he demanded.
For a fleeting instant, I contemplated his demand before slipping out of the booth and heading toward the counter. I could feel his eyes burning into the back of my head. My skin felt warm and tingled all over. I didn’t dare turn around and look at Devon, too afraid he might see the effect his demands had on my body.
“Everything okay?” Tony asked. His voice was cold as he stared at Devon over my shoulder. He didn’t seem convinced he was just an ex-boyfriend who happened to show back up after all these years at the most perfect time. A time when I needed someone the most.
“Yeah, it’s fine. I just can’t remember when Caroline’s party is. I thought she said this evening, but… you know me,” I joked. My smile was as fake as the crystal glasses behind the counter.
“Saturday, the Casino Ballroom. I called you and reminded you, remember?” Had I forgotten this? No, you didn’t. He didn’t call you. You don’t have a phone. We went over this. Something was very off.
“Oh, yeah... well, thanks. I’m going to head out now. Thanks for reminding me.” I walked away awkwardly as if I hadn’t just lied to my boss. It was one of the most confusing and fucked up conversations I had ever had. My mind was littered with words, but none of them made sense.
“Saturday, casino ballroom,” I told Devon the minute my butt touched the worn booth cushion. I was exhausted and beginning to worry. I wasn’t worried if they would find me because I knew they could if they wanted to. Instead, I was worried more so of when they would find me.
Devon gazed at something over my shoulder. His stare was hard. “Good. Now let’s go.”
We were playing a cat and mouse game of sorts. I would run—they would follow. I would hide—they would, too. Someone was going to get caught in the mousetrap sooner or later, and with everything inside of me, I was praying it wouldn’t be me.
Chapter Fifteen
Devon
The way she looked at me made me wonder if she feared me. If, after everything, she was afraid? Afraid of me. It was never my intention. It was never my idea to pull her down this road. Wasn’t this the very reason I left?
She was a breathing reminder of the good I was capable of doing. She made up for all the people I had killed, for all the blood that marked my hands. Good guys and bad guys had died at my hands. People I cared about had died. What if it were she who died one day? What if she was the victim, and what if it was I who had to be the one to take her out?
“Devon.” Her voice was soft, reminding me of silk as it hit my ears. I couldn’t pull myself from the madness though. If she knew what was under all the jokes and the looks, she wouldn’t look at me like she always had. She wouldn’t see me like a knight in shining armor.
“DEVON!” This time, when she said my name, it was panicked. It was as if she were afraid she couldn’t reach me. What she didn’t understand was she couldn’t. No one could.
“Just leave me alone.” I could hear her cries as I came around the corner. Why did he always pick on her? Why didn’t he just let her go?
“I know you’re with Devon now.” His voice was a sneer. He didn’t realize how that one single comment caused my blood to boil. It didn’t matter who she was with—even if it were me he claimed she was with—either way, she wasn’t doing shit wrong.
“Devon and I are just friends. You know how my mom feels about me dating. It shouldn’t matter anyway because you and I aren’t anything either.” She tried to stick up for herself, but her voice was weak.
“Garret, man, leave her alone.” I couldn’t stand there and watch their interaction and not say anything any longer. It was as if a switch turned on in my mind. They both turned around and looked at me with shock in their eyes. Tegan had never been one for confrontation so why she was talking to him, even explaining herself to him. It didn’t make sense to me.
“Leave her alone? Devon boy, she was mine before she was ever yours.” The way he was talking about Tegan as if she was an object made my stomach roll. She was his before she was ever mine? Mine?
“This isn’t elementary school, Garret. She isn’t a toy you left on the playground only to come back and pick her up to be used and abused all over again.” Tegan had yet to say a single word. Instead, she looked between the two of us in confusion.
“She is mine. Has been mine since the start and always will be.” His words were meant to shake me. Rattle the deepest parts of my being. What he didn’t realize was you couldn’t break or shake something that was already broken.
I knew the time to step up was now or never. Tegan was mine even if I didn’t claim her. She was mine in every way. Neither of us understood the connection, but I wasn’t going to let some limp dick get in the way of it all.
“If you ever,” I growled, not even knowing who I was anymore. “Touch her. Talk to her. Look at her. Taunt her.” My words were dark, and my mind was darker. “I will end you, right here. She is nothing to you anymore. You lost the chance to have her when you ended things. Move on.” There was no warning, no threat to my words. It was to simply move on or I would do something about it. Option A or B.
He glared at me, and I could see the fury in his eyes as I took the one thing away from him that meant something. I made it clear where I stood, and even if we were juniors in high school, I paved the way for our future.
She looked at me with adoration as if I were her Prince Charming and had just saved her from her evil stepmother. I wasn’t the good guy in this though. I wasn’t supposed to win the good girl. I shouldn’t have even cared, but I did. It wasn’t until that moment I realized I had crossed a line. I had chosen her and in doing so, I had also chosen our fate. I was in love and there wasn’t a fucking thing my sorry ass could do about it.
“DEVON! What the hell is wrong with you?” Her voice was hysterical as if she thought she had actually lost me. I wasn’t lost. I wasn’t gone. I was still here, right by her side. I was wrong though. I was wrong to think I could touch her and kiss her, that I could taste her and be able to walk away at the end of all this if she asked me to.
Now we both would pay the price for my actions.
“Nothing’s wrong with me. I just kind of spaced out for a second,” I grumbled. She was sitting on the couch next to me, her legs crossed Indian style. Worry lines marred her face and I almost felt guilty. Almost.
“Why are you so distant? Was it what we did last night?” Her face grew red in embarrassment and I wanted to laugh. She didn’t have a fucking clue as to how gorgeous she was last night. The way she came all over my cock for me. The passion and fire that sparked in her eyes the moment I shackled her to the headboard.
“Then what is it?” Her question was innocent. I just didn’t know if I could answer it. I was the boy from the wrong side of town and she was the good girl. We both had to know our pasts would catch up to us and then this would all be too good to be true.
“This is wrong. All of it. I don’t regret for one fucking moment touching you, kissing you, or even having that one blissful moment with you. However, it’s still wrong. It still doesn’t change shit. I can’t be with you after all of this.” I had let the words leave me without hesitation, and as her eyes filled with tears, I knew I had shattered everything we had built all over again.
The seriousness of what was happening had finally hit me. It was a bullshit fairy tale to think I could win the girl and take down the bad boys at the same time. I couldn’t. She was the woman to fit the glass slipper, except I would never be the Prince searching for her. I would have to sacrifice something yet again to keep her safe, to keep us both alive. Even if I had to do it alone. Even if I shattered both of our hearts. Even if it ripped me apart from the inside out. I would feel the pain a million times over if it meant saving her.
“I…” There was a hiccup in her throat that stopped her from talking, and I knew she was trying to hide her tears. She didn’t want me to know I had hurt her yet again.
I had to tell myself that hurting her was the right thing and it was better than her being dead. It was easier to mend a broken heart than to plan a funeral. I could live with her anger. Hell, I could even live with her hate, but I couldn’t live with her death.
“I know it hurts. I know I hurt you again after telling you—” My words cut off. My throat went dry as I felt the first crack within my heart.
I couldn’t even finish my own sentence. This moment, these words were the reminder of the past, of the hurt I had caused her then.
It was a reminder of one moment in time when I had broken her heart. Broken us.
“Hurts? Hurt is an understatement of a thousand fucking words. To hurt is when someone pinches you and the pain eases after the infliction. This isn’t hurt. This is death, a slow fucking death. Devastation so strong I not only feel it in my heart, but deep within my fucking soul. It’s taking a still beating heart and ripping it from someone’s chest. You fucking broke me, Devon, and now you sit her breaking me again.” Her words were like a whip lashing at my skin.
“It has to be this way. There isn’t anything that can change it. Don’t you think I have thought about this? Don’t you think I have tried? That I—” She stilled, putting her hands up to my face as she stared at me.
“What I think and what you think are two different things. You think about what is best for me without even consulting me. You did it back then and you’re doing it now. You do what you think is best for you and that’s all that matters to you.”
Was she right? Did I even take how she felt into consideration? I had to stop thinking. I just had to do it. I had to. It was fight or flight, and I wouldn’t let her be killed. I wouldn’t be the very reason she died.
“What matters to me is that you live. That’s what matters to me. I’m willing to let go of my emotions for that. You should be willing, too,” I gritted out between clenched teeth. My words like venom being spat at her.
How had we gone from making love and being one just the night before to being so far apart?
She laughed right in my face, an angry scowl spreading across hers. Fear showed in her eyes, and I wondered why.
“I would rather die than have to go through the heartache again. I would much rather be put out of my fucking misery than to know you’re out there living while I wallow in my own fucking sorrow. My heart belongs to you, no matter what the fuck you do. No matter what the fuck you say. So, no, I’m not willing to let my emotions go for that. I’m not willing to let anything go. You can try to convince yourself all you want... tell your heart you’re doing the right thing, but we both know what it’s like to not have each other. How can that agony be right?”
Her voice faded out as my mind registered what she had said. Was she contemplating putting herself in the line of fire for this? For us? Did she wish for death? Anger like I had never felt surged through me.
I gripped her by the back of the neck applying light pressure as I pulled her face into mine. “Death isn’t going to make it easier. I have seen death, I have killed, and it isn’t something that can be undone. I will do anything and every fucking thing to protect you. Get yourself together. I’m done talking about this. There isn’t anything else to say.” I released her, shoving myself away from her before I did something I would regret. I wanted to shake her, to wake her the fuck up so she could see this was not a game.
She didn’t even realize everything that was at risk. Or maybe she did and just didn’t give a fuck.
“There is plenty to say, Devon. You’re just too much of a fucking coward to do so. I was stupid to ever believe anything that ever left your lips. To think what we experienced last night would change things. Maybe one day you will grow some balls and actually fight for what you want!” She stood stripping herself of her clothes right in front of me. I had to force myself to not look, to not let the temptation get to me.
The bathroom door slammed closed with a thud and I heard the creaking of the pipes. It was then I broke down. My chest heaved with anger as I ripped my phone out and texted Zerro.
D: How do you protect something that doesn’t want to be protected?
I stared at my phone for a moment wondering if he would even text me back. I had been lying to everyone recently, working undercover off the clock.
Z: You don’t. Some things can’t be protected.
What the fuck did that even mean? Was he pulling some physiological reasoning out of his ass or something?
D: What the fuck, man? What are you saying?
Z: I’m saying, maybe whatever you think or feel you need to protect maybe it doesn’t need protecting.
I read the text over and over again. Is that what I was doing? Was I so wrapped up in trying to save Tegan, I didn’t realize maybe she didn’t need me to save her? Maybe she just needed me to be there for her. Had I let my thoughts of death overrule everything good in my life?
D: Thanks, asshole. You’ll make a great therapist someday.
Z: Shut up, asshat. I have a wife, a daughter, and a heart, even if it’s black and cold 99.9% of the time. What’s going on?
He was concerned for me and he had a reason to be, too. I was breaking the law in more ways than one, and I didn’t even tell him about it. Over the years, we had grown close. We relied on each other. In all honesty, he had become my best friend, my only friend, and here I was lying to him.
D: Nothing. Just reflecting on the past with all this free time that I have. What’s up? You miss me?
Z: Fuck off. No one misses you. Out on a job, undercover right now. Gotta go though. Wish I had my partner in crime with me to fuck some shit up.
D: I’m pretty sure you fuck shit up all on your own, but know I’ll keep my phone on so when Frank calls me to clean your shit up, I’ll be ready.
Z: Yeah, yeah, asshole.
D: Think smarter, be smarter, asshat. Ttyl.
I slid my phone back in my pocket. I was one man going in on a suicide mission. I had to tell myself this was the right thing to do simply because I had no other options. It was the right thing, and years from now, I would know so.
The pipes in the bathroom creaked, signaling Tegan was done in the shower as my stomach filled with anxiety. I had to get over it. I had to look at her as if she wasn’t my one reason to breathe.
* * *
The last two days had been like living in hell. I would much rather put a bamboo shoot under my nails than to be forced to endure another two days
of silence with her. One day in, and I had almost broke and gone back on my word. I wanted her closeness, her love so fucking bad. By day two, I wanted to jump out of the nearest window if it meant getting away from the evil looks and smart comments being made under her breath. Fuck, her breath. The way her chest rose with each intake.
You did this to yourself.
Now I was sitting in the Tahoe next to her while she sat there looking sexy as fuck. I swear she did it on purpose. She fucking had to have.
I pulled the truck into the parking lot, finding a space in the back that wouldn’t draw a shit load of attention.
“Let’s just get the info and get out. That’s it. Socialize and have a good time, and I’ll do the digging,” I commanded. Her blue eyes turned on me, and my cock grew hard as the heat in them flared.
“Okay, Captain Devon,” she mocked me as she open the door of the Tahoe, jumping out without a backward glance, leaving me to follow suit. We walked under the huge drive-thru awning. It reminded me of a hospital’s entrance. Lights were all over the place, blinding me in more than one way. As we walked through the entrance, we were greeted by a group of half-dressed women with their tits, pussies, and asses barely covered by fake jewelry and skin tight clothing.
Those women drew the attention and admiration of every man except me. My attention was solely on her. Her red hair reminded me of fire as I stared at the back of it while we maneuvered throughout the Diamond Royale Casino. She was angry, livid even, and for a second, I wondered if she would turn my knife on me. I had given her a small pocket knife that could be easily concealed but used in case she was cornered. I didn’t know if she would use it or not, but I was running off hope. Hope that if she had to take someone out, she not only could but also would. She didn’t say a single word to me. She just took it out of my hand and slid it into the waistband of her jeans.