Dorian stiffened as we reached the dying palm trees. “I can sense Gate Maker. He’s here.”
After what Sen had just told us, I wasn’t looking forward to seeing Gate Maker again. His selfish behavior and the myriad of lies were still too fresh in our minds. Although we couldn’t feel physical pain here, Gate Maker’s betrayal was like a hot poker to my agitated mind. My dominant emotion had shifted from anger to grief, but I still wanted to know why he’d lied to us, why he’d brought us here. I was too upset over our day of dead ends to muster up the emotional energy to seek him out. Let him wallow some more. The clouds above the castle were stained with emotions I couldn’t decipher.
Dorian, pausing at the edge of the sand surrounding the estate, had his gaze trained on one of the more distant towers. It had held up slightly better than the others. It wasn’t nearly as deteriorated as the one we’d reached from the laboratory when we’d followed Gate Maker only to witness his tantrum.
“Shall we head that way?” he asked. “We might be able to hunker down for a while, just get out of this mist and get some walls around us.”
I nodded, too emotionally weary for words. I wanted nothing more than to be alone with Dorian and take a breath. We made our way to the tower, not caring how much noise we made. I doubted Gate Maker would try to find us, whether he’d sensed we were here or not.
I dragged my eyes across the green glass windows, which were broken in many places, and tried to banish the memory of Gate Maker smashing his fists through the window motifs. There was no need for me to sleep, yet my bones lusted for somewhere to rest after all the chaos. Although my muscles weren't sore in the traditional sense, my eyes and head ached dully. It was like I’d been staring at a computer too long. Or in my case, an endless void in a higher plane of existence that I’d discovered by being kidnapped, more or less. I hated the lack of permanent objects.
Reaching up to pull myself through a gap in a tumbled wall, my eyes caught on my watch. Should I even bother wearing it? In the Immortal Plane, soul-dim and soul-bright were irregular, making it difficult to keep track of time there, but at least it felt like time passed. There, I could watch soul-lights dance across the sky. The plants and animals moved in the landscape. Hell, by this point I even would’ve welcomed the sight of Inkarri's velek. Living creatures like the ones from the Immortal and Mortal Planes made me realize how much my existence was based on the things around me. There was forward motion and a sense of life.
Here? There was nothing.
Dorian helped me up a steep, half-ruined staircase. We entered the tower to find the surroundings were far less impressive than the lively, creepy chaos of Gate Maker’s laboratory—it was clear that was where he had put his time and energy. In this tower, there were only a few old, faded cushions scattered around the floor. Heavy jade velvet curtains ringed the entire room, covering walls and windows alike. I saw slivers of the same green glass windows through gaps and tears in the curtains. The room was empty except for a few glass bottles, and after seeing Gate Maker's lab, I could only imagine they used to contain some kind of horrendous body part or suspicious liquid.
Magical crimson torches on the wall lit the room with a reddish glow that mimicked firelight but gave off no heat. It wasn't perfect, but it was cozy… cozier than anything else we'd found so far. I scuffed my boot across the stone floor, which, despite the general decayed aura of the property, was not dusty or dirty in the slightest. There was little in the way of comfort besides the cushions, but Dorian and I could cuddle together to make up for it.
Jia stood patiently by the doorway. He hovered, refusing to enter.
"Do you need to rest?" I asked, gesturing that he was welcome to join us in the chamber if he wanted. If his creator was watching or getting direct reports from him, I wanted her to know we had been welcoming to her proxy. It might improve our rapport with her.
He shook his head. "I need nothing." He lapsed into silence. It was unnerving to have a babysitter-guide-spy with no interest in speaking unless specifically prompted in the right way. I sighed.
Dorian and I collected the cushions and pushed them all into a corner against the smooth stone wall. Dorian tugged down several of the heavy fabric curtains and used them as a base for a crude mattress.
"It's not much," he observed. "But we've slept in worse places."
I nodded, thinking of our times on the cold floors of caves, in the dirt around campfires in the forest, and our traumatizing stint in the cells of the sanitarium. We threw ourselves onto our makeshift bed, sprawling together as we appreciated the tactile contact with each other and the fabric. I leaned against Dorian, and he tucked me underneath his arm. Although I had no need for sleep, the comfort of being able to take a moment together filled me with contentment. Even Jia staring into space in the doorway failed to bother me that much. Xiu had truly crafted him for a singular purpose, hadn't she? I reviewed our journey in my mind. It felt like days melting together, even though I was sure a shorter time had passed.
"Well… stuff sucks right now," I announced dryly. Dorian let out an amused snort.
"Yes, my eloquent lover, stuff does indeed suck." Dorian sighed, and his hot breath ruffled the top of my hair. I was grateful that our state of stasis meant our bodies stayed clean… or at least as clean as they'd been when we left the battle. "Nobody will talk to us. Nobody but Jia, and even then it's like putting a coin into one of your treat machines for children, only to get a riddle instead of candy or a toy." Our lessons on human culture had truly delved deep during our time in Scotland.
I sighed in frustration and buried my head in his chest. "I hate this." My speech came out muffled. "I’d almost prefer malice or hatred over this complete indifference. How are we meant to figure out how to confront or work around the arbiters' attitudes when they barely even acknowledge us? And the more time we spend trailing from one to another of these jerks, the more time is passing in the Immortal and Mortal Planes. We might not be feeling it pass, but it’s sure as hell passing down there."
Dorian grunted. "You're right. We can go wherever we please here, but it’s meaningless because there is nowhere to go and no means of escape. We have complete freedom, and it’s because nobody cares. They think we're powerless. What’s most frustrating is that they’re not completely wrong." He tensed beneath me, a frustrated groan escaping his tight mouth. "I hate not being able to do anything."
"That makes two of us," I pointed out. But what could we do to change it? I tapped my fingers rhythmically on Dorian's chest as I thought. Could we… could we hurt them perhaps? "We know a little because of Gate Maker, but we don't know the limits of these arbiters." I danced around the subject, pushing my fist against his chest so he would get my meaning. Jia made no reaction from the doorway. Dorian's eyes flickered to the proxy and back to me.
"Yes, of course," Dorian said evenly. "Interesting to think about how powerful they are. It doesn't seem like anything can affect them."
Would we even have the capability to hurt these beings? I couldn’t help but think that it was unlikely. They could create proxies in mere moments, shift their forms to what they wanted, and evidently had the knowledge and power to change the characteristics of entire species before the Separation. I imagined all the arbiters we had come across so far, thinking hard about the physical structures of their forms. They existed as orbs of pure energy and as variously shaped humanoid figures. So far, Gate Maker was the only one I knew who had depleted his energy, and he claimed that it had only happened because his body had been changed by the other arbiters. What hope did that leave us if we tried to start a physical altercation?
Physical conflict was probably impossible even if we could get close enough to land a blow. Hell, as weak as he was, Gate Maker had easily killed a hunter in the form of a redbill during the battle at the training camp. I remembered it vividly. It was as if he’d been completely aware of all his surroundings and able to sense blows coming his way. It was like a vampire's senses but even more h
eightened. If he was that dangerous with just a fraction of his power, how powerful were the other Higher Plane beings? I shot a glance at Jia. Powerful enough to produce servants out of nothing.
I sat up, considering Jia more closely now. He was helpful when we asked the right questions. If I was careful, maybe I could get some information out of him about the extent of the arbiters’ capabilities without concerning Xiu.
"Are the arbiters, in their physical forms or even in their orb shapes, deathless?" I asked, trying to keep my tone mildly curious and not too forceful. "I can't imagine a life without an end, yet the arbiters have apparently always existed, from what Sen told us."
"Arbiters are truly immortal," Jia said. "They have no lifespan and cannot be killed, although they can choose to undo their life force by their own free will. If they do so, they relinquish consciousness. On the other hand, their physical bodies are able to be destroyed, but when this occurs, they merely return to their true form of the orb until they absorb enough power to create another physical body."
I thought back to Gate Maker's room of stored bodies and his hurried explanation that he didn't have enough energy on hand to produce another then and there.
Jia continued, "Destroying the physical form has a ripple effect. It causes an explosion, due to the concentrated energy stored inside the bodies."
My eyebrows shot up in surprise. "An explosion? How strong?"
Jia considered this. "If I am to think in terms a mortal might understand, it is similar to the energy of a star exploding. It is large. I would not recommend being around when it happens unless you enjoy the sensation of being instantaneously incinerated."
Delightful. "The orbs aren't physical?" I pressed. "How can something that doesn't have a physical mass have energy?"
"No. The arbiters are not physical in their light forms. Everything they do is through mentally shaping the plane around them to their desire, rather than interacting with the world tactilely with their bodies the way you two do. It takes an immense amount of energy for them to create a body, even greater stores of energy to move and manipulate said body, and even more energy to shape the plane around them." Jia explained everything like a dull college professor, with little intonation. It was like having a walking, talking encyclopedia on the Higher Plane.
I pushed away the unsettling realization that it now felt more natural than unnatural to have Jia following us around, though I still wondered if Xiu was somehow hearing all this. Would she know why we were asking these questions?
"I know a thing or two about energy," Dorian said. "I assume you know how I get it, but how do the arbiters get energy?"
"From the universe," Jia replied simply. "They absorb it. You will recall that Sen mentioned that you two are doing the same thing at very, very low levels due to your flesh—"
“Yes, yes, our flesh-based forms, we know.” I would’ve taken the last bit as an insult if I didn't know that Jia had zero emotional capabilities. I rubbed my temples, suddenly overwhelmed by trying to make sense of it all. Gate Maker had mentioned something about not having a soul, but who knew if anything that creature said was true?
"What about souls?” I asked. “Do arbiters have souls?"
"Arbiters have a collection of memories and experiences. They are continually in the process of becoming, as you two are, but their decisions do not create light or dark energy like the creatures from your Mortal and Immortal Planes. Therefore, they are not connected to the afterlife at all," Jia replied.
At all? A wave of shock and almost pity passed through me. So these guys just floated around until they decided to unravel their life force, and then exploded like a dying star?
Dorian let out a shaky breath, clearly struggling to process this confusing information. "You say that arbiters don’t have souls, at least not like ours. You say they generate no light or dark energy. How can that be possible, if that's the natural order?"
Jia's blank stare was woefully unsympathetic. "It is your nature to have these things. It is not the nature of the Higher Beings. The arbiters, and this plane as a whole, are not ruled by the same orders."
An agitated grunt crawled up Dorian's throat, and I turned to him, squeezing his hand. His face was tight with repressed emotion.
"Is it so hard to accept?" I wondered aloud. "I didn't know anything, really, before I met you."
Dorian exhaled slowly. It was a controlled breath, as if he were fighting everything inside him to contain his fury at the situation. "I find it difficult to believe that vampires were designed by the arbiters. I can't accept that. It doesn't make sense to me. Especially now I know that they allegedly created vampires as moral guides… yet their own actions have no consequences for their souls because they don’t pass on into an afterlife." He pointed to himself. "We must've been around forever, just like humans and wildlings and Immortals. It doesn’t make sense, does it?"
"In a bid to clarify information to better your understanding of the situation," Jia announced suddenly, as if Dorian had asked him directly, "I must point out that your previous statement that you cannot believe that vampires were created by arbiters appears to have been generated by a misunderstanding. Vampires were not created by arbiters, for arbiters cannot create life. They can, however, alter a pre-existing species' powers and physique until they reach the desired design and effect. That is what was done to vampires prior to the Separation."
Dorian narrowed his eyes. "That’s practically the same thing!" Outside, through the green glass, the sky darkened. "Vampires weren't created. We weren't formed to do anybody's bidding. That's ridiculous. We have always had a sacred duty and known our role in this universe. We have morals and guidelines. How could we have been made by beings who don't seem to care about anything but themselves?"
His angry words filled the room, but behind the anger was pain. The idea that these "higher" creatures—who couldn't even give us the time of day—had somehow crafted our way of life and in turn, our destinies, was the height of absurdity.
"All these caste prejudice issues, the genocide, the wars… everything we've been fighting for… are they saying that they could've prevented this just by doing their damn jobs? If that's true, it's like we're cleaning up a mess they left for us when they suddenly decided that keeping the balance just wasn't for them anymore," Dorian ranted. As he did, lightning cracked above us outside the tower. Wind battered the glass. I peered through the window to see a small tornado forming outside the tower, snatching at the large, leafy edges of the sagging palm trees. My stomach clenched with worry for Dorian and for what his intense emotions might do.
And I was angry myself. It was infuriating to be subjected to all this. Dorian's feelings came from more than just being shocked that the world was different than he’d believed it to be. I squeezed his hand harder with one of mine and gently tugged the collar of his shirt with the other. He looked at me, his glacial eyes filled with confusion and pain.
"I know it doesn't seem to make any sense,” I said softly. “I had this crisis already only a few months ago. It's not fun for someone to come into your life and turn everything upside down, and yet… sometimes it turns out to be for the best. You learn the truth. It's hard, but it's worth it." I held his hands tight and tried to communicate all the love I had for him with my words and my touch. Outside, the sky lightened a fraction. "When I was with the Bureau, I learned that everything I knew was an elaborate lie. It hurt so badly to discover that there was an entire story I didn't know about. Those in power, my uncle and the old board, they used their power for greed and cruelty. But I found my place and my path through it all despite the setbacks."
He inhaled, his breath catching in his throat. The wind softened against the window.
"I have you now, and you have me," I said. "I learned how to trust my own values of honor, of justice, of responsibility, and of protecting those who can’t defend themselves. You helped me with all of it along the way. Even if some of the people who taught me my principles ended up b
eing liars, I still believe in those values. They exist separately from the people who betrayed my trust. Part of the reason I still believe in those things," I said, searching his face, "is because of you. You reminded me that there is hope in life. You were a great leader who stood up when my world was falling to pieces. You've always shown true integrity. I was inspired by your dedication to your cause, and your rationality and compassion as a leader pushed me forward on this path. I haven't been perfect, and neither have you, but we've learned together. With your support, I've been able to forge my path. Our path."
"Lyra." His Adam's apple bobbed as his hands tightened around mine.
"I have no reason to question your virtue, or the virtue of any vampire, just because the beings who ‘designed’ you don't seem to have any. You taught me that vampires believe that what they do with darkness and light is their true role. Your people learned for yourselves and recorded your history over generations with utmost dedication." I paused, feeling my throat tighten with overwhelming love for him. "Nobody can take that from you, Dorian."
Dorian went still, the muscles in his shoulders loosening. The sky lightened. I let out a tiny sigh of relief as I felt him relax beside me. The tornado vanished, fading into the gray nothingness that stretched into the distance. Thank goodness. I’m not sure this crumbling tower could survive very long being hit by an emotional tornado. I studied Dorian from beneath my lashes. He would need time to process things. This was a massive change for him. Both of us would probably have to deal with these things for the rest of our lives, always processing the strangeness and brutality of life's honesty.
"Thank you," Dorian whispered, wrapping his arms around me. His face held a haunted shadow, but it would pass. All bad things did. We sat together like that for some time, just holding each other. I loved the sensation of his body against mine. True comfort washed over me.
Jia continued to watch, his orb-like blue eyes taking everything in. There was nothing wrong with what we were doing. Still, as things had taken a raw and intimate turn for my lover and me, a bit of privacy would be preferable.
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