“But not so much now?” she asked softly and with concern.
“I don’t know. What I wanted and what I can have seem to be two different things.”
“That’s life, son. Sometimes it doesn’t go the way we planned. Life has to be about more than work. Having someone you care about and can grow old with matters as well.”
“Like with Dad?”
There was a pause before his mother said, “Yeah. But we can change directions and make something different, just as good maybe even better.”
Had his mother been as lonely as he when his stepfather, Michael, had come along? Matt had never really thought about how his mother’s life had changed when his father had died. Once again, he’d been more focused on his life than hers. That had worked when he was a boy, but as a man he should know better.
“I know you and Michael haven’t ever seen eye to eye. I know you’ve always thought it was his fault, but some of it has been you. It was difficult for you to accept him into what had become our life. By the time Jane and Ben came along, Michael gave up and focused on them. I saw how that hurt you, but you never gave him a real opening. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you. You are a part of our family. We all love you.”
In the background Matt heard his stepfather ask, “Is that Matt? I’d like to talk to him.” A few seconds later Matt’s stepfather’s gruff voice came on the phone. “Hey, Matt. Your mother told me what happened in LA. I wanted to let you know I’m proud of what you did. That took guts. It was the right thing to do.”
Matt swallowed hard. Shock shook him. If his stepfather had ever said anything like that to him before, Matt didn’t remember. “Uh...thanks.”
“How did the patient do?”
“Great. He has full use of his leg.” The strain in Matt’s shoulders relaxed.
“All because of you. And come to see us when you can. Here’s your mom.”
Matt wasn’t sure what dimension he’d gone into, but he liked it. He was speechless. Shay had pointed out more than once that his stepfather had set a good example. Matt just didn’t want to see that.
His mother continued, “The reason I called is your brother and sister are coming for a visit in a couple of months. I want to get on your calendar. It’s been too long since we’ve all been together. I wondered if you would try to come too?”
Suddenly, he wanted to reconnect. See if he could find common ground with his stepfather. To do his part. “I can’t promise anything for sure right now, but you have my word that I’ll really try. I’m not just saying that.”
“That’s all I can ask for.”
Matt didn’t miss the note of joy in his mother’s voice.
“And Matt...about Shay. You need to think long and hard about what you really want. Think about it. Sometimes we don’t get a long time with the ones we love.”
“Thanks for loving me even when I’ve not been very lovable.”
“What are mothers for? Others will love you too—you just have to give them a chance. I look forward to seeing you soon. Bye now.” His mother hung up.
She’d given him a lot to think about. It was time he started thinking beyond himself. To look at how other people saw and felt about things. Like Shay. He had to decide how he wanted to live his life, and with whom.
He paced across the small room that he was learning to hate.
Was he trying to fill a void with his work that was no longer there because he’d had Shay? Had he been using the adrenaline rush of surgery and long hours to cover his inability to face people he cared about? He did good work, he didn’t doubt that, but did medicine fill his need to be needed? While Shay used medicine to care for others.
He stopped to look out the picture window to the busy city far below.
She’d accused him of wanting her to make all the sacrifices. Hadn’t he? Was that what he’d wanted from Jenna as well? He’d not treated her with any more respect than he was treating Shay. What did it take for him to learn his lesson? He’d treated his parents the same way. He was an intelligent man who should have seen the pattern before now. He’d been thinking only of himself for so long that he couldn’t view life any other way. Until Shay pointed it out. He’d have to work at it, but he’d start acting differently. Figure out some way he could be worthy of Shay.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
OVER THE NEXT two months Shay poured all her efforts into her work, community activities and clubs. If she stayed busy, she wouldn’t think about how much she missed Matt. Or how really happy she had been when she had Matt in her life.
She couldn’t believe he’d think she’d just pick up and come join him in Chicago. He hadn’t even offered her any commitment. Her life was here. At times she’d felt her community had expected something she couldn’t give them, but still this was her home. People depended on her. She couldn’t just dump it all so that she could be there when Matt had time for her. Didn’t he know her better than that?
If she had let him, he wouldn’t have treated her any better than John had. Those days were gone. She would have all of him or none. Never again would she be second in the life of the man she loved. Where she couldn’t speak up for herself before, she had to with Matt. She wouldn’t be an afterthought. She deserved better than that. And would see to it she got it.
Yet, she’d found something with Matt she’d never experienced with John. It made it even harder to lose Matt because he had seen her. The real her.
Everything she did seemed surrounded by memories of Matt. He’d ruined the peace she found going to the farm because all she wanted was him there with her. At her house she started sleeping in the guest bedroom because she didn’t want to sleep in the bed they’d shared without him. The joy of working at the clinic had been taken away. Patients came in and asked about him all the time. Each time it happened it was like another reminder of what was gone.
On a Wednesday evening, she pulled up to her parents’ house and parked. They had been inviting her to dinner more often. They didn’t say it, but she could see in their eyes that they worried about her. She’d lost weight. Sleep came only after many long hours of tossing. Her parents weren’t the only ones who had noticed. Sheree, who usually teased Shay out of a mood, had given that up. Shay got more hugs instead.
“Hello,” Shay called as she entered her parents’ house through the kitchen door.
The design of the house looked much like hers except it sat in the center of a large farm. A fence surrounded it, creating a spacious yard with a few trees near the house. Shay had always loved her mom’s kitchen. So much so she’d patterned much of the farm’s kitchen after her mother’s.
Shay inhaled the smell of cooking roast beef and potatoes. Her mother had made one of Shay’s favorite meals. Matt would like it. Why did everything go back to him?
Her mom stood at the kitchen sink washing fresh fruit.
“Hi, Mom.”
“Hi, honey.”
Shay put her purse down on the empty chair by the door. The calmness and familiarity of the atmosphere eased her tight nerves.
Her dad came into the room and gave her a hug. “How’s my girl doing?”
“I’m all right.”
He studied her a moment. “Staying busy at the clinic?”
“Yeah. The new doctor is working out great.”
“Is he as good as Matt?”
Her mother cleared her throat, and Shay’s father looked at her.
No one was as good as Matt. “Dr. Willis is good. The patients like him.”
“Supper is ready,” her mother announced almost too brightly.
During the meal their conversation went to the weather, an issue at church and one of the families in town whose son planned to marry. Shay had the sense her parents were talking around what they really wanted to say.
Her father put his fork down on his empty plate and set his na
pkin on the table before he reached across and touched her arm. “We’re worried about you, honey.”
This was why Shay had been asked over. Her father wore the same concerned expression he had when what John had done exploded around her. His forehead wrinkled as he watched her.
“We’re concerned you’re making yourself sick. We love you and want to help,” her mother said.
The words hung in the air thick and stifling. Shay couldn’t look at her parents. She could hear her heartbeat in her ears. “I’m fine.”
Her mother said softly, “I know you really liked Matt. I saw the way you looked at him. It was so nice to see you start living again. We understood why you threw yourself into starting the clinic, but that wasn’t the same as having someone you cared about. The clinic helped you to heal, but Matt made you light up again.”
Her father gave her arm a gentle squeeze.
“The clinic is a worthy cause, but it isn’t the same as having someone to love and come home to. We know you and Matt were spending a lot of time together before he left,” her mother continued.
There was the gossip again, but it didn’t bother her. She had liked Matt. In fact, she loved him. That was the problem.
“How can we help you?” her father asked.
“This is something I have to work through myself.”
“If two people really care for each other there’s always a way to compromise,” her mother said softly.
Shay wasn’t sure that was true where she and Matt were concerned.
“Do you ever hear from him?” her mother wanted to know.
“I did for a while, but he was super busy, and the calls got fewer and fewer. It wasn’t working so I broke it off.”
“Honey,” her father said. “You need to figure out what’ll make you happy. Then figure out how to make that happen. Not worry about what others think you should do.”
“I wish it was that easy.” She feared what she wanted had already been lost.
“What you lived through with John wasn’t easy. But you did it.” Her father patted her hand. “Nothing worth having is ever easy.”
How like him to speak the truth practically.
He smiled. “Think about it.”
Half an hour later Shay drove up in front of her house. Despite the changes she made she didn’t want to go in. That part of her life was behind her. Without giving it any further thought she continued on and headed for the farm. It wasn’t that much farther to drive to the clinic from there.
She had to pull out of this Matt-induced stupor and take control of her life. Her parents were right. She’d wallowed long enough. Shay refused to continue to live in the land between what could be and what wasn’t.
At the farm she sat at the kitchen table with a pad of paper and wrote “Changes to Make” across the top. Sell house. Move to farm. Set up schedule at clinic where she wasn’t doing everything. Create a come in early/late schedule for the doctors. Form a fundraising committee for the clinic that she didn’t head. Give up all civic clubs except for the garden club. Start going to the small church near the farm. Call Matt and see if she was still invited for a visit.
Shay felt better about herself than she had in years. Now she could start building her future. Hopefully with Matt in it in some way but if not, she’d be living the way she wanted. Not in the way she always had.
Tomorrow she would call the real estate agent about selling the house. On the weekend she would start sorting and moving her belongings. She was determined to start working her list as soon as possible. She had a plan and for once in a long time she liked herself.
* * *
Matt pushed the OR doors open. The case had gone well and for that he was grateful, but something still didn’t feel right. He wasn’t as satisfied with himself as he should be. It had been a tough surgery and he wanted to share his success—with Shay. Yet she wasn’t there for him to do so. It was time he faced it. He wanted to be elsewhere.
He missed Jackson and the way of life he had for too short a time. The pace of the place. Looking at the stars. The grandeur of the Mississippi River. The pine trees. The farm. The people.
He pulled off his surgical garb and tossed it in the dirty bin with more force than necessary. The truth was he’d never been lonelier in his life. He missed Shay. His and Shay’s conversations over the phone, despite being brief, had eased the frantic pace of his life that living in Chicago had created while they lasted.
He wished for the contentment Shay’s simple farm house gave him when he returned to his sterile box hotel room. It had been months and he still hadn’t found an apartment. Each one had something that didn’t suit him. He huffed. What didn’t suit him was Shay not being in them with him.
Was this what he wanted for his life? Did he want to live like this? The demand on his time might slow down, but what would he have then? An apartment someone else had decorated, a great view of a busy city, and no one to share it with.
He walked down the highly polished floor of the hallway toward his office. At one time none of that might have bothered him, but after what he’d experienced in Jackson, he wasn’t sure he’d be satisfied anymore. He wanted to sit on a porch and drink coffee while he rocked. Wanted to skinny dip on a hot day. Wanted to eat a homemade apple pie. Most of all he wanted to see Shay smiling at him and to pull her to him for a kiss.
He’d not been pleased with what had led him to Jackson and Shay, but he was grateful for it. Because of what had happened in LA he’d had a chance to experience what his life could be like. He’d unearthed a place where he belonged. Hadn’t that been what he’d been searching for? His mother was right. Having someone special in your life was the most important thing. He’d found it, then shoved it away for position and money and lost Shay and the tranquility she brought to his life. With her he had found home.
Would she take him back? If she would, he’d open his heart and feelings to her without reservations. He couldn’t correct the mistakes of his past, but he could vow to never knowingly keep her closed off from how he felt—like he’d done with his family or in his other relationships. He would offer her his entire life, his devotion and most of all his fidelity. Shay would be his all. In all things he would consider her first.
He picked up his phone. It was time to accept that he’d made a mistake. He would start correcting it right away.
* * *
Matt’s nerves were about to get the best of him. He was finally back in Jackson. After giving notice two weeks ago, he’d sold his car and bought a truck and headed south. His boss at University Hospital hadn’t been pleased with him, but Matt had given him two names of surgeons who would be glad to fill Matt’s empty position. He’d even called them to make sure they would relocate. That had eased the displeasure some.
Shay had phoned, but he’d miss the call. He hadn’t returned her call, wanting to talk to her face-to-face. He desperately needed her to see his sincerity on his face, in his eyes. He didn’t want her to misconstrue anything he had to say. He could be making a mistake by surprising her, but he’d take his chances.
Matt drove straight to Shay’s house when he’d arrived in Lewisville. There was a for sale sign in the yard, and she wasn’t home. He saw a neighbor in the yard and asked if they might know where Shay was. The woman said she now lived out at her farm.
He drove toward Shay’s farm. While he’d been gone the leaves had turned and there was a nip in the air. Would Shay have a fire burning? The bigger question was would she let him in the house.
Making the turn down the lane to the farmhouse, he took a deep, fortifying breath. His life, his happiness hung in the balance. What happened in the next few minutes could change his world for better or worse. A petite, strong-willed woman held it in her hands. He’d brought this situation on himself and he planned to humbly pay his dues. Whatever he had to do to fix things between them.
With relief, he saw her car parked in front of the porch. He pulled slowly around and up beside it.
Shay stepped out of the house. She wore an oversized sweater, which she pulled tight around her and crossed her arms over her chest. Her hair hung free. Matt winced. Not the most welcoming stance. To his deprived eyes she’d never looked more beautiful. He continued to study her closely. She’d lost weight. Because of him?
Her focus remained on his truck as if trying to figure out if it was familiar or not.
Climbing out, he closed the door and stepped to the front of the vehicle.
The shock on Shay’s face made him unsure of his decision to surprise her. He smiled.
She grabbed the top of the closest rocker. “Matt. I hadn’t expected to see you.”
The sweet sound of his name on her lips filled him with warmth. His smile grew.
“You didn’t have to go to this much trouble to return my call.”
How like Shay to find the humor in a situation. “I was in the neighborhood.”
She looked at the wide-open land for a moment and shook her head. “I don’t think so. If you come here, you mean to.”
“You got me. I came to see you.”
“From Chicago?” Disbelief filled her voice.
“Yes. I need to tell you something.” He stuffed his hands in his jean pockets to keep from pulling her into his arms.
“What?” Concern filled her eyes as she tugged her sweater tighter.
“I decided the job in Chicago doesn’t work for me.”
Her eyes went wide. “Why?”
“Because it isn’t what I want anymore.”
“You don’t?”
“No. I’ve joined Dr. Roper’s practice. We both think it’s a good fit. He likes doing the routine stuff and I’ll be doing the complicated work.”
“You’re moving back here?” Shay said the words slowly as if having a difficult time understanding their meaning.
“Yeah. I have all my worldly belongings right here.” He patted the hood of the truck.
Taming the Hot-Shot Doc Page 15